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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
In my situation, I have been dealing with over 7 months of "trickle truth". The most recent disclosures being the worst of them all...the "offenses" began coming out 7 months ago (by me confronting him with evidence) beginning with secretive "just friends" interactions with a co-worker and ended just two weeks ago with a report of a drunken evening over three years ago during which two girls (acquaintances) came on to him simultaneously. There were several other "incidents" in between (sexting, accidental kisses, seductive photos) that came out slowly during my seven months of begging for the truth...

I have a very hard time, at this point, believing that this "is all of it". While I want to know the truth, I know it will be impossible to ever KNOW that I know the truth...or ever trust him again.

Do they ever tell the whole truth?
 

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Do they ever tell the whole truth?
From my experience, no. My divorce lawyer made an interesting statement a few days ago. He said my husband couldn't tell the truth at this point because he doesn't even know what it is. People who lie to cover things up lose all track of reality. I've yet to get the whole truth out of my stbx. I actually have a better idea of what the WHOLE truth is than he does.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
wow...that is pretty scary. But I can see how that happens. The excuse I keep getting is that he "doesn't remember"...I can't tell which is worse. Lying about a pretty, young girl "forcefully" kissing you in a dark hallway, or feeling so little guilt that you don't even remember it happened!
 

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Exactly.....or getting details differently each time the story is told? I've gone through both "can't remember" and "can't get the story straight". Either way or both equals no credibility.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
being that we're not even married yet....7 ignorantly blissful years together, we bought a house together and I had moved to his hometown... what would your wise divorce attorney recommend to a 31 year-old who feels like she just wasted 7 years trying to create perfection only to realize it was all a farce?
 

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consider yourself lucky if there are no kids out of this relationship. I would just walk away and don't worry too much about wasting 7 years. You are still young and you have your life ahead of you to live.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
It is easy for me to think to myself that I need to walk away, but it is so much more difficult to actually DO it.

What would be your reasons for recommending this? I am at the point of feeling like I have lost all perspective and need outside influence/advice to help me gauge the severity of the situation. When he "explains away" each incident...I feel myself believing him. But when I am on my own and thinking about the things that he has admitted to...I am astonished that I am even still talking to him!

It is SO confusing and heartwrenching!
 

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being that we're not even married yet....7 ignorantly blissful years together, we bought a house together and I had moved to his hometown... what would your wise divorce attorney recommend to a 31 year-old who feels like she just wasted 7 years trying to create perfection only to realize it was all a farce?
LOL. My wise attorney just keeps reminding me I was the one who chose to marry the sorry, lying, cheating jerk. So, my attorney would tell you life is about choices. You have a choice to put 7 years behind you and find something better or waste 8 (9, 10, 11....) years.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
do they all promise that they love you...and only you..and it didn't mean anything...and they didn't want to hurt you...and it will never happen again...?
 

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Actually not. My husband of 25 years has never been remorseful. And he blamed me for causing him to behave this way.:scratchhead:
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
hmmmm...that's a tough one. for those of us that take things very personally (as I do...) that kind of blame can't be good for the soul...
 

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YES!!!! They all tell you that....the abusive ones that is. Cheating and lying is nothing more than severe emotional and mental abuse. This may seem harsh or even want to make you be defensive....but it is the truth. Think about it...his lies, stories, excuses have actually made you feel crazy, right? Are you crazy....NO! But you get to the point that you feel that way because of what he is putting you through....that is abuse! No person who truly loves their spouse will put their own needs and desires above the one they love. There is always two sides to a story...but nothing justifies cheating in my mind. NOTHING....and I have been the cheater....and I had good "reasons” and I was WRONG!!!!

And YES....the abusers always tell you they love you and it will never happen again. You can tell when someone is truly sorry...they are devastated by their own actions....they can't eat and sleep because they feel so bad....they will do ANYTHING to help you feel better and re-gain your trust....and they tell the whole truth with nothing held back...and not "trickling truths". They are the ones who you can trust again.....not someone who is all talk and no action to repair what he messed up.

Best of luck....been there....done that....it sucks....it gets better....but you need to be with someone who will treat you right.
 

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In my situation, I have been dealing with over 7 months of "trickle truth". The most recent disclosures being the worst of them all...the "offenses" began coming out 7 months ago (by me confronting him with evidence) beginning with secretive "just friends" interactions with a co-worker and ended just two weeks ago with a report of a drunken evening over three years ago during which two girls (acquaintances) came on to him simultaneously. There were several other "incidents" in between (sexting, accidental kisses, seductive photos) that came out slowly during my seven months of begging for the truth...

I have a very hard time, at this point, believing that this "is all of it". While I want to know the truth, I know it will be impossible to ever KNOW that I know the truth...or ever trust him again.


Do they ever tell the whole truth?
It probably isn't all of it. The first story I got (post discovery of her e-mails) was that it was just a "flirtation". I kept asking questions and getting answers that didn't add up. He sent her an e-mail NC the day after D-day but kept stonewalling for several days. Then he told me only part of the truth ( it only happened so and so). Finally after 10 months of questions he told me that it was in fact a 7 or 8 month PA. He told me that A. he was trying to protect me from pain and B that if he told me the truth he feared that I would leave him. I believe he was trying to protect himself far more than me, and he owed me the truth no matter the outcome. To betray is not an accident it is a choice, and a damn selfish one. It's very difficult to reestablish trust in someone who can talk themselves into cheating. The only way to do that is for him to tell you the whole truth and continue to do that.
 

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Nope.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
It probably isn't all of it. The first story I got (post discovery of her e-mails) was that it was just a "flirtation". I kept asking questions and getting answers that didn't add up. He sent her an e-mail NC the day after D-day but kept stonewalling for several days. Then he told me only part of the truth ( it only happened so and so). Finally after 10 months of questions he told me that it was in fact a 7 or 8 month PA. He told me that A. he was trying to protect me from pain and B that if he told me the truth he feared that I would leave him. I believe he was trying to protect himself far more than me, and he owed me the truth no matter the outcome. To betray is not an accident it is a choice, and a damn selfish one. It's very difficult to reestablish trust in someone who can talk themselves into cheating. The only way to do that is for him to tell you the whole truth and continue to do that.
This rings very true with my situation. Same explanations, same words, similar time frame for the truth to come out. How did you get him to finally confess after 10 months? It has taken me 7 months of pressure and manipulation and becoming the kind of woman I never thought I would be to even get some of the truth...
 

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I never have or ever will get the full truth from my husband. I knew about his PA but it wasn't until a month later I found all the sex sites he was registered under. When I confronted him, the only comment I got out of him was something to the effect of "You weren't horny when you were on antidepressants and it's tough for a guy to meet girls online"
No apology, no nothing. It was like "Ok you found out? So what?" kind of attitude
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Wow...you think you know someone so well for so long and they turn around and show a side of themselves that you never saw coming! I feel such a disconnect from him after learning that our boundaries are so different and what he considers a "joke" I consider cheating!
 

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put youself in the cheaters place for a minute, imagine you with a new exciting lover, how would you feel emotionaly? what little things might you say in a passionate time?? what things would you try that you really dont want to with your good old familiar spouse??? NOW say that you get caught, what would you tell?? NOT ALL THOSE LITTLE SWEET THINGS! NO WAY!! you would say what??.....think about it.
 
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