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Discussion Starter #1
My husband has anger issues. He will snap for silly things. Hit me and grabbed me in the past. He is emotionally abusive as well.
He told me to forget past and work on our future.

Do people like this change? Any experiences? I do not want to give up on him yet, but I cannot forget.
 

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My dad didn't...well, that's not exactly true. He did after my brothers got big enough to kick his a$$ for hitting my mom. Then he was too scared to.

Get out now.
 

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My ex h never did. In fact his behavior worsened. Thankfully I got outta there when I did.

I always stood up for myself. I was not about to let some idiot rule my life. No way, no how.
 

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He likely will not change. It is rare for an abuser to change--he would have to sincerely want to change, and if he is telling you to forget the past (i.e. his abuses of the past), then he likely isn't even ready to admit that he is an abuser.

If he attends therapy for his anger issues, either self-motivated or court-ordered, he would have to attend for the rest of his life or risk backsliding into his abusive habits.

Has his violence towards you escalated, or worsened, at each encounter?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I do not think it worsened but it did not stop. We do not fight lately though.
He is verbally abusive. He would call me names or telling me that he would slap me. It was only couple of weeks ago, when I told him to stop touching me but he did not. He was being playful but I did not like it. When I pushed his face away from me, he grabbed my head and told me with anger to stop this behavior or he will slap me next time. I could feel his fingers in my cheeks for a while. Once again, he said it was my fault.
 

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I have read your other posts and my heart breaks for you. Your husband has destroyed your self esteem and self worth and I can tell you do truly believe this is all your fault, even your name screams " MY FAULT".....NO!!! PLEASE TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK! NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! He probably won't change....PLEASE see a therapist if you can....and LEAVE HIM...you deserve better, I promise ;) Hugz for you....
 

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52 sessions in anger managment stop me from pushing my wife around.
This was not court ordered, it was something *I* had to do for my self.
As the abuse progressed I didn't like the person I was becoming.

So yes people can change. Even serial cheater can change......for those of you coming over from CWI forum...
Just like with my past abuse, my fWW has come along way and here we are both emotionaly healthier as individuals, and happier as a couple.

Until your H learns the tools to prevent this behavior it does get worse. I know I lived it years ago when I was in my 20's now at 45 I haven't touched Mrs. the-guy in anger since then.
 

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He likely will not change. It is rare for an abuser to change--he would have to sincerely want to change, and if he is telling you to forget the past (i.e. his abuses of the past), then he likely isn't even ready to admit that he is an abuser.

If he attends therapy for his anger issues, either self-motivated or court-ordered, he would have to attend for the rest of his life or risk backsliding into his abusive habits.

Has his violence towards you escalated, or worsened, at each encounter?
My estrange always said why can't you forget the past and move forward, but he would never allow me to discuss anything.

Because in their mind they justify every thing they have ever said or done to you, it doesn't really bother them.

They do not change.

My estranged has spent plenty of time in anger management therapy, he still to this day is aggressive towards me, pushing shoving and blocking my way, he certainly hasn't learnt to back off even when you are trying to escape.

He is in psychotherapy aswell now.

He still think's there is an us, for god sake no way, he asked if i would go to MC, apparently there is something wrong with me because i don't want to go with him, as far as i am concerned it is over.

To OP, please give up and don't waste any more time on him.

oh yeah they tell you you are to sensitive, then you are second guessing yourself, thinking you are, so maybe i was when he crushed my hand or locked me in his shop, then called me every name under the sun, starved me and shoved stale bread in my face telling me to eat it, by the way i am a non diabetic hypoglycaemic , which means i can get serious low blood sugar, so dangerous to starve me, or left me at a garage in the middle of down town LA late at night, no clothes or money, the officer said i was a very lucky not to been raped, oh well i must be to sensitive too ;)
 

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Discussion Starter #13
They usually get worse over time.

Get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

An abuser has zero incentive to change (that is, if he/she ever does) if you continue to stay with them and tolerate their crap behavior.
I got me that book this weekend. I am really excited about it. I believe I will find my answers. Thank you!
 

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How much work has he put into the issue? If all he has for you is that he's done abusing and you need to get over it, that is not enough. You have to be able believe him and he has to be believable.

Right now, I suggest that you read up on personal boundaries in marriage (I should talk ;) ) and think up some boundaries for yourself as well as have an action plan for when your boundaries are violated.
 

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No they don't. Moreover they don't deserve your compassion if they say they have.
 

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I think that anyone can change over time. I know I have.

That said, he's abusive. There is absolutely no good reason for you to be around until the changes are complete.
 

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My husband has anger issues. He will snap for silly things. Hit me and grabbed me in the past. He is emotionally abusive as well.
He told me to forget past and work on our future.

Do people like this change? Any experiences? I do not want to give up on him yet, but I cannot forget.
Do people Change ? Well They can most probably dont The only reason someone considers change is that the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change -repeat The only person in any given situation that can change is you you have the power to change yourself if you so choose
 

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My husband has anger issues. He will snap for silly things. Hit me and grabbed me in the past. He is emotionally abusive as well.
He told me to forget past and work on our future.

Do people like this change? Any experiences? I do not want to give up on him yet, but I cannot forget.
Far too often, people have to hit their "bottom" before they see their way clear to make better choices. Maybe his bottom is you in the hospital. Maybe it's him going to jail. It's not real clear to me that anyone would want to wait around for the bottom unless they absolutely had to.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Thank you for all help!!! :)

My H does not admit doing wrong. He always said I deserved it.
Sometimes, when we fight, he gets mad and stop talking to me. But after hour or two, he will come back to me and act as if it never happened. That is something I do not get. How can you be mad like crazy and then just smiling and not to say a thing about issue?

To me, he is in denial about his problems. For him, going to therapist is sign of weakness. Something for crazy people only.
I told him about my counselor and he called him d..head. I told him how can you call names someone who has 2 degrees, 10 years experience and did nothing bad to you? Just do not get it!

I also did not have my boundaries before. I did not know what people mean by "you have to love yourself". Now, I am happy to say, I know. I will have my boundaries and won't let him treat me the way he did before.
I am starting MC tomorrow on my own for now, but I hope it will help me with whatever I need help with.

I also did not know how much childhood effects you in your adult life. My father is alcoholic, who calls my mom names and is very hateful when drinking. He was also physically abusive before. I was always scared when I heard him yelling at her. And I believe it left scars on me without know it it.

I do not want my kids going through same things....
 

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That is something I do not get. How can you be mad like crazy and then just smiling and not to say a thing about issue?
AG, that rapid Jekyll-Hyde transformation is called "black-white thinking." It occurs frequently in people whose emotional development was frozen at a young age by childhood abandonment, abuse, or trauma. The result is that they cannot tolerate uncertainties, ambiguities, strong mixed feelings, or grey areas. They therefore force everyone and everything into a black-white perception of the world.

This all-or-nothing thinking is most evident in the way the person categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based on a minor comment or action. It also is evident in the frequent use of terms like "you always" and "you never." And it is evident in rapid flips from hating you to loving you. Days or weeks later, the person will flip back again just as quickly.

My exW, for example, would throw a temper tantrum for several hours and, then, in a few seconds she would flip to splitting me "white" again instead of "black." Indeed, she could be raging at me for several hours and, then, in a few minutes be ready to jump into bed with me. This happens because she is comfortable being in touch with only one set of feelings (loving me or hating me) at a time.

If you would like to read more about black-white thinking, please see my post in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, AG.
 
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