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Discussion Starter #1
Firstly Hi!,
So none of you know me, which is exactly what I like, as then I can get a independant opinion on a situation.
Short life story, married at 22 to first ever girlfriend, very one sided relationship (I think), I did everything for her, never complained (or very rarely), paid all the bills, arranged all holidays, date nights, birthdays etc etc, bought her everything she wanted (even to my detriment financially).
Married 12 years, 2 great kids, divorced (she had had multiple affairs and ended with one(they aren't together anymore)).
That was 3 years ago, since then I've had 2 year long relationships and a 6 week "blip" (2 girls at same time).
Now I'm engaged to a female I've "admired" from afar for 3 years (just after I got divorced). I basically chased her down and stole her from her partner (I'm not proud of this and had NEVER chassed girls down before).
Anyway now she lives with me and so does her daughter, her daughter is already calling me daddy.
She moved in after 5 days after our first date, we got engaged 2 days later (thats 7 days after we "offically" dated), Its now been 7 weeks and I'm feeling "odd", she is lazy (doesn't clean the house, leaves crumbs in the kitchen), I work from home most the time but do a 50 hour week, she works part time for 20 hours. She likes sex a certain way, it is "ok" but not really what I'm use to, we only have sex when she wants.
I'm having HUGE doubts about the wedding (which is costing me all the money I have saved and is in 2 months), I'm worried I rushed (no kidding!) and the illusion of her (i didn't really know her, it was all based on physical attraction (she is super hot)) is now going.
Am I being blinkered?, is what I feel real?, what should I do?, i don't want to hurt her or upset her or scare her away to find out I was wrong and she's great............

Advice please?
 

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What you feel (or felt) is the high of conquering someone you had admired for a long time. For the first week it was your dream come true. Well, dreams have a way of ending, don't they? And, my dear, yours has come to an end. The high is gone, the lust is waning and reality is setting in.

Take it from me. I moved in with bf shortly after we met and it lasted a whopping 3 months before I hauled ass back to my single life. I spent a lot of money packing and moving to just turn around and pack and move again. Not to mention me having to replace appliances and furniture I sold when I was "soo in love". So, yeah, I lost money when I ended the relationship but that is nothing in comparison to what I would have lost had we stayed together and gotten married.

The worst part for me was getting over the embarressment of our "happily ever after" ending so fast when it came to family and friends. But I just sucked it up because the rewards of leaving outweighed the torture of staying.
 

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DON'T DO IT!!!

Take time to read around on this site. This type of situation never ends well. NEVER!

I'm trying to be as blunt as I can. You've been married. You know that things don't get easier with marriage, they get harder. AND, the hardest part is that once you're married, it really is hard to get out.

Please don't do this to yourself. You will regret it forever. Plus, think of the damage to her little girl. You don't want that on you either.
 

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Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
..........Um a bit of a one side reply, thank you people. That's not good, maybe I can "bend" her to be better? (uh oh that's not good), she is sweet mind, doesn't really argue.
What if I end it and then regret it when I'm lonely, single, fat and ugly (I'm not fat and ugly yet, but who knows?).
How do I know?, I've NEVER been sure of any female, but was "pretty" sure of her (or I convinced myself I was?)
What about a pre-marriage course?, I'm not even sure what I want anymore?, maybe I just want no-one serious and just to play around?, I did want then until she became a possibility then I dropped it all (my choice) to "grab" her.

Thank you for the reply people!, I do appreciate them, but anyone have any "non-eject" opinions?/?
:scratchhead:
 

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At least postpone the wedding. What's the rush? If it's right now, it will be right in a year.
 

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Stop it now, put it all on pause. Your original post sounds like you need rescuing from forces out of your control. If that isn't how you feel then I think the question might be different. :)

I think some people are more keen on wedding commitment than others (it just feels more right and easy for them), but if a person isn't feeling right about commitment then it is a mistake to add more, try to keep it as it is.
 

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Ok,
how about you two just live together for some more time before marriage,and try to iron out those issues?
And go to marriage counseling for both of you. An unbiased person who can guide you both on some discovery would do your relationship a lot of good.

I'd also suggest some individual counseling. With your history, sorry to put it bluntly but, there's no way you're not somewhat messed up and I doubt you're ready for the kind of commitment needed here. You both have children now. If it was just you two, and it didn't work...oh well. But if this coming marriage doesn't work, what do you think it'll do to your kids and even more so...HER DAUGHTER. If she's already calling you Daddy, then the girl is already heading down an unhealthy path (not of her choosing) if you drop out of sight, lets just say this is a classic "How to make a stripper/porn star 101" class.
 

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You don't want to hear what you don't want to hear. You ASKED for opinions and because they're NOT telling you, 'Oh, GO AHEAD, MARRY this woman you BARELY know cuz it's just gonna keep gettin better & better....and all without effort', you've decided EVERYONE who's answered is biased against GF.

No, unlike YOU, we're just not BLINDED by her hot, sexy looks (cuz we can't see her, and a lot of us are straight women ;)).

If you wanna argue, you're gonna argue WITHOUT ME. I'll give you ONE SHOT at my not-so-bad advice, and here it is:

1. You're a NICE GUY (since you're new to this site I'm assuming that you do NOT know that that is NOT a compliment, look it up, then compare it to your behavior in your first marriage). Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy (order it online, read it).

2. You "stole" current GF from another guy. As a woman I can ONLY IMAGINE how virile that makes you feel, but the reality is either she did NOT have a good relationship with the guy she was with (using him to get the bills paid perhaps?) OR she is NOT A VERY LOYAL GF. The reality is you CANNOT steal someone away. She was already looking for a better deal or was ambivalent at best in her previous relationship. HOW LONG until she finds a better deal than yours?

3. Her daughter is already calling you 'daddy'. In SEVEN WEEKS (yes, count 'em...7) this little girl is calling YOU 'Daddy'. That is a SCARY THOUGHT. Where is this girl's BIOLOGICAL father? How long did this girl live with GF's PREVIOUS live-in boyfriend? I don't know how old this child is, but to go from calling Mommy's LAST BF 'daddy' (which she undoubtedly DID) to now calling you 'daddy' in 7 weeks is MIND BLOWING. You're a father YOURSELF. Would you want YOUR children DRAGGED in and out of different men's houses every few months/years? Would you like them calling every man they meet 'daddy'? How many 'daddies' has this little girl had? (Be honest!)

4. GF is lazy and doesn't respect your home (by keeping it clean.)

5. GF has no pride...she only works 20 hours per week THUS transferring MOST (if not ALL) of the financial burden to you for not only ALL the bills you had before, but the extra costs incurred for herself and her daughter. Any SELF-RESPECTING ADULT would pull their OWN weight, and pay their OWN bills. Don't YOU? Does being "super hot" excuse her from acting like an adult? Like a partner? Like a financially responsible person?

6. She is selfish about sex (using it as a means to get what she wants from you?). You only have sex when SHE wants it. She is unwilling to have sex ANY WAY except how SHE wants it. Sex WANES after marriage; it's axiomatic. Sad, but true! So, the sex is NOT gonna get more frequent. RIGHT NOW, when things are HOT & NEW is when the sex is going to be the most frequent, the most exciting, the most crazy (sorry, got lost in reminiscence for a moment :eek:). Remember back to your PREVIOUS relationships; not saying married sex isn't good/great, but the sex during the opening months of a relationship - UNFORGETTABLE! Yours, however, sounds ENTIRELY FORGETTABLE.

7. You're already having 'HUGE' doubts about the wedding. Well, WHO would know BETTER THAN YOU? You're also blowing YOUR ENTIRE SAVINGS ON ONE DAY? ON ONE PARTY? What, is the AMOUNT you spend on the wedding supposed to be in direct PROPORTION to how much you LOVE your fiance/fiancee? YOU ARE JEOPARDIZING YOUR FINANCIAL HEALTH FOR O-N-E DAY.

Okay, here's the thing - same mistake MOST PEOPLE MAKE: You are putting ALL OF THIS EMPHASIS on the "WEDDING" and NONE of it on "THE MARRIAGE." (Which lasts a helluva lot longer than one day of partying.) It's a lot of hoopla just for some photos that you're NEVER gonna look at!!!

8. NO-ONE can tell you that you ARE or ARE NOT going to regret marrying her. NOBODY has a crystal ball, including YOU. ALL anyone can do is their DUE DILIGENCE. There is no WEBSITE where you can go compare models/read reviews/get the best price on YOUR FUTURE. HAVE YOU DONE YOUR DUE DILIGENCE?

Why did ex-W cheat on you? How many affairs did you KNOW about BEFORE she left you? Has anything changed about YOU since your divorce? Have you worked on making YOU a different man than you were 3 years ago (I know you think you're a GREAT CATCH because you're so nice, but we all like to think that about ourselves). Have you GROWN AT ALL in the last 3 years?

Why does your GF run through men like water? Has SHE done any work on HERSELF? What kind of mother drags her very small child through house after house of man after man?

We all think that YOU KNOW this situation is a MESS!

There is a REASON old saws like "Marry in haste, repent in leisure" exist...because THEY'RE TRUE.

If you TRULY want a HAPPY LIFE from here on out (not just for YOU, but for your children - because THEY will be involved in this mess as well) then

a.) Call off the wedding NOW.
b.) Have GF and her daughter MOVE OUT NOW (you are messing up that little girl's MIND and her HEART; don't help her mother do that!) Explain to GF that you think it is best to slow things down, get to know each other better and look out for little girl's best interests.
c.) Read No More Mr. Nice Guy
d.) Get into individual counseling (IC) NOW to find out what pauljh REALLY WANTS and REALLY NEEDS in his life. Not just band-aids for a broken heart or 'giving the bird' to the cheating ex-W to show her you're still desirable to hot messes like your GF.
e.) Suggest that GF get into IC herself to help her straighten out her life and help her become a GOOD mother to her poor daugther.

My guess is, GF will dump your azz as soon as you tell her the FAIRY-TALE expensive wedding is OFF and you're no longer footing her bills. If so, consider yourself lucky - you just rid yourself of a gold-digger who would have sued you for 1/2 of everything in a divorce.
 

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SlowlygettingWiser has got this.

I can't get over the daughter calling you daddy so soon and her moving her kid in with you after 5 days. She has no IDEA who you really are and subjected that uncertainty to her daughter?

I don't know man...I don't know.
 
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