Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 26 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband has cheated on me and left 3 times in just over a year with the same woman who lives only 2 mins down the road. The first time it lasted 3 weeks, the 2nd was 5 weeks and the final time he moved out as I asked him to through suspicions due to him not sleeping with me and being cold and distant. it's been over 3 months now, he tried keeping her a secret to start but once I said I had proof he admitted it to everyone. For the last month, he has only seen the ow once a week, last week not at all, he told my daughter yesterday that he loves and misses me, he said hes not making any excuses but he was so low here towards the end that he somehow thought this ow would fill his emptiness. He has been on tablets from his Gp and said he feels so much better. He said I'll never trust him again which is true, he had a burner phone he said, all the truth is coming out but in my mind, it always does when he comes back but then 2 months or so down the line he seems to get bored again, he is certain he will never do it again, my daughter asked him how he could be so certain and he said he's spent a long time thinking. In my mind, he hasnt ended it with this woman again so how does that work? His answer is that he can ring her or turn up anytime, she is that sort of person and the reason he sees her is that he is living alone in a flat and gets lonely. He has admitted he abused me emotionally and never did the things in our marriage he should have to make it work, he told her this woman has nothing on your mum yet he went there? Hes not asking to come back as such, but he is scared of rejection. I spoke to him on the phone 3 weeks ago when he said he was working on himself and that he was so sorry for what he has put me through, said he misses me, but I cant get out of my head how when he left, he didnt give a **** about me, it was all about him and his needs to go be with her. I love him and hate him at the same time, weve been together 25yrs
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,832 Posts
You clearly cant trust him, especially as he is still seeing the OW.
My advise would be to cut off all contact and ask your daughter to stop relaying to you what he says and does.
While you are still in contact you will never be able to move on or heal.
You have given him more that one chance yet he still did it again. If he really cared for and respected you he wouldn't have acted that way.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,522 Posts
Honey, you can't trust him. You couldn't before he cheated the first, second or third time. And those are only the times that you know about.

Please don't do this to yourself. And don't make excuses for him, depression did NOT make him cheat. He chose to do it. There were a thousand other options he could have chosen but he chose that one.

Yes, he will do it again. That you can be sure of.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
580 Posts
I would also stop contact, don’t ever be the first to contact him, and just stop replying. Tell your daughter you don’t want to hear anymore (and really she shouldn’t have to be the go-between).

Really, why give a liar a pair of ears?? Being a great listener is an attribute. Only sometimes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,344 Posts
I would suggest not taking him back. He did this 3 times. At the very least talk with a lawyer.

If you decide to reconcile.

Then tell your cheating husband that he needs to get Individual counseling before the two of you can do marriage counseling. Do not let him move back in until the IC is done if your able to. I think him moving out could work in your favor.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,468 Posts
If you were to consider a reconciliation, it should only be after a year of living apart with you being able to verify his whereabouts and his behavior. No sex. No sleeping over. Let him try to win your trust again.

It's doubtful he will be able to do it.

If you want to be his doormat for the rest of your life, just left him back in. After all, he promised he wouldn't do it again (after he promised to never do it in the first place.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,390 Posts
Do the 180 to emotionally detach. He has treated you like you are an option. He has the problem let him sort it out. You must divorce this sack of ****. He was able to throw away 25 years. Get rid of him and get a life. Get yourself some counselling ready to start a new life minus him. Let the OW have him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,344 Posts
My husband has cheated on me and left 3 times in just over a year with the same woman who lives only 2 mins down the road. The first time it lasted 3 weeks, the 2nd was 5 weeks and the final time he moved out as I asked him to through suspicions due to him not sleeping with me and being cold and distant. it's been over 3 months now, he tried keeping her a secret to start but once I said I had proof he admitted it to everyone. For the last month, he has only seen the ow once a week, last week not at all, he told my daughter yesterday that he loves and misses me, he said hes not making any excuses but he was so low here towards the end that he somehow thought this ow would fill his emptiness. He has been on tablets from his Gp and said he feels so much better. He said I'll never trust him again which is true, he had a burner phone he said, all the truth is coming out but in my mind, it always does when he comes back but then 2 months or so down the line he seems to get bored again, he is certain he will never do it again, my daughter asked him how he could be so certain and he said he's spent a long time thinking. In my mind, he hasnt ended it with this woman again so how does that work? His answer is that he can ring her or turn up anytime, she is that sort of person and the reason he sees her is that he is living alone in a flat and gets lonely. He has admitted he abused me emotionally and never did the things in our marriage he should have to make it work, he told her this woman has nothing on your mum yet he went there? Hes not asking to come back as such, but he is scared of rejection. I spoke to him on the phone 3 weeks ago when he said he was working on himself and that he was so sorry for what he has put me through, said he misses me, but I cant get out of my head how when he left, he didnt give a **** about me, it was all about him and his needs to go be with her. I love him and hate him at the same time, weve been together 25yrs
Do you find it interesting that the only time he apologizes and expresses regret is when he is trying to get you to take him back? When he gets bored of his side piece?

He’s got a sick way of getting his jollies and I hope you remove yourself from his self serving game as soon as possible. He is too much of a coward to even ask for reconciliation himself because HE IS SCARED OF REJECTION!?!?! What does he think it feels like to be thrown away like garbage for a side piece three times?!?! Oh wait he doesn’t even consider that because that would be too terrible to contemplate for his selfish little pea brain. And then he puts the word in your daughters ear.... really classy and mature man you are considering taking back there. Perhaps he could send a note through your daughter next time:

“Please convince me I am amazing by taking me back so I can **** you over again. I promise this time I’ll wait a couple weeks before I need validation from my side piece. It will be a great few weeks for me, I swear.
Circle one: yes no
Love, Loser Idiot Husband”

Please circle no, extra points for hells naw. Trophy for serving divorce papers with your hells naw.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,798 Posts
Sounds like a midlife crisis to me. He won't leave the OW. He won't be happy with you either. He is the problem! Neither you or OW will fix his internal pollution.

What he did was compound his problem exponentially when he tried to cure his boredom, depression, feelings of whatever with the OW.

As much as it pains you, you need to let him go. He will only keep hurting you. He is lost and confused. All his world is due to inner turmoil. He is the only one that can fix it with the help of a counselor that specializes in midlife men going through a severe andropause more commonly named male midlife crisis. This type of crisis may take up to seven years to get out of. It will wreak havoc on your marriage.

Sadly, there is a very slim chance that your long term marriage will survive after infidelity is one of the external solutions a midlifer uses to ease their internal turmoil. The chances are about 1 in 99. It is really that bad.

It is similar to adolescence. Some teens navigate through it well. Some act out, use drugs, alcohol, or sex to to get through it and eventually let go of those habits to settle down, get an education or trade and build long term relationships and form families.

But some just stay stuck with using drugs, consuming loads of alcohol, engage in unhealthy relationships and never really hold on to steady jobs and become self sufficient.

At midlife, if you engage in heavy drug use, alcohol or affairs; the chances of getting through midlife successfully are pretty much zilch because they don't have the tools or introspection needed to not spiral down so far that they can recover from it with their long lasting relationships intact. Those are the first to spiral out of their lives.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
He has moved out, it was 3 months ago when I asked him to leave, hes not been good at hiding it when he was seeing her. There clearly was something missing within me he couldnt find and hes admitted its him not me, we didnt have sex more than twice each time he returned before he started making excuses. I do believe he never slept with her until each time he left here, But I knew he was still in contact with her it was so obvious. He hasnt asked to come back, we spoke on phone a bit this afternoon, he said he should have gone to get help when he was feeling so low but he knows his cheating isnt justified by health. Dr has put him on antidepressants now, he did say he told the dr about the ow and that hes lost his family over it. It really hurt to hear him admit the ow must have had something or he wouldnt have kept going to her. But he says he's just trying to sort everything in his head out now, I havnt given him any hope of reconciliation. He thinks we're getting divorced as I've said it's the next step. What worries me is that no matter what he eventually tells me about never going there again, is that each time he returns I know he genuinely thinks this is it, it's great, then a couple of months later he will become bored and as I said her door is always going to be open. The only promising thing so far is that he knows he has issues and gets that his fantasy world is just that, I wouldn't let him move back in for months if I felt there was some hope for us anyway but I'm not sure what I want anymore, my head and heart are pulling in different directions. I'm doing fine this time though, no break downs like the 1st and 2and time, I dont need him but I do still love him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,468 Posts
Did you know that there are actually men out there who will treat you with respect and dignity and who will actually return love for love? It's true. Go find one. You haven't yet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,798 Posts
He has moved out, it was 3 months ago when I asked him to leave, hes not been good at hiding it when he was seeing her. There clearly was something missing within me he couldnt find and hes admitted its him not me, we didnt have sex more than twice each time he returned before he started making excuses. I do believe he never slept with her until each time he left here, But I knew he was still in contact with her it was so obvious. He hasnt asked to come back, we spoke on phone a bit this afternoon, he said he should have gone to get help when he was feeling so low but he knows his cheating isnt justified by health. Dr has put him on antidepressants now, he did say he told the dr about the ow and that hes lost his family over it. It really hurt to hear him admit the ow must have had something or he wouldnt have kept going to her. But he says he's just trying to sort everything in his head out now, I havnt given him any hope of reconciliation. He thinks we're getting divorced as I've said it's the next step. What worries me is that no matter what he eventually tells me about never going there again, is that each time he returns I know he genuinely thinks this is it, it's great, then a couple of months later he will become bored and as I said her door is always going to be open. The only promising thing so far is that he knows he has issues and gets that his fantasy world is just that, I wouldn't let him move back in for months if I felt there was some hope for us anyway but I'm not sure what I want anymore, my head and heart are pulling in different directions. I'm doing fine this time though, no break downs like the 1st and 2and time, I dont need him but I do still love him.
It is exhausting, and the end is not even close yet. You are conciously beginning to realize that he is now cake eating. That is the term we use here when cheaters go back and forth between the wife and the lover\s. Don't take him back because he will go back to her again. It is a toxic dance. The affair partner is his new drug of choice to ease his internal pain. That is why he can't leave her now or anytime soon.
He doesn't have the tools to seek solutions to his internal struggles from within himself. Instead he uses external distractions to ease his turmoil or what he refers to as boredom and depression. He needs counseling. The meds are really good too. The OW band aid will not help him one bit. Distractions avoid introspection and healing. He can't see it though. You can't help him see it either. That is why this is so frustrating and right out depressing for his loved ones.

Detach and work on the 180. Take care of you because you are going to need your strength. Your children if you have more than just your daughter are going to need their only sane parent to be their rock. Your husband is frankly very lost right now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,344 Posts
He has moved out, it was 3 months ago when I asked him to leave, hes not been good at hiding it when he was seeing her. There clearly was something missing within me he couldnt find and hes admitted its him not me, we didnt have sex more than twice each time he returned before he started making excuses. I do believe he never slept with her until each time he left here, But I knew he was still in contact with her it was so obvious. He hasnt asked to come back, we spoke on phone a bit this afternoon, he said he should have gone to get help when he was feeling so low but he knows his cheating isnt justified by health. Dr has put him on antidepressants now, he did say he told the dr about the ow and that hes lost his family over it. It really hurt to hear him admit the ow must have had something or he wouldnt have kept going to her. But he says he's just trying to sort everything in his head out now, I havnt given him any hope of reconciliation. He thinks we're getting divorced as I've said it's the next step. What worries me is that no matter what he eventually tells me about never going there again, is that each time he returns I know he genuinely thinks this is it, it's great, then a couple of months later he will become bored and as I said her door is always going to be open. The only promising thing so far is that he knows he has issues and gets that his fantasy world is just that, I wouldn't let him move back in for months if I felt there was some hope for us anyway but I'm not sure what I want anymore, my head and heart are pulling in different directions. I'm doing fine this time though, no break downs like the 1st and 2and time, I dont need him but I do still love him.
Its because he never ever deals with the root of his issues, the reason why he is cheating. Which has nothing to do with you or your marriage or the AP. It’s a problem in himself and something he is refusing to address.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,249 Posts
He wishes he could love you the way he knows he should but ultimately he finds that life boring. But turns out that the other woman isn’t perfect either and so he yo-yo’s back and forth between the two of you — her, then you, then back to her. That’s on him but you’ve allowed that to happen and that’s on you. Either make him 100% accountable his time or accept that he’s going to be in and out of your life as long as one of you is alive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,939 Posts
He wishes he could love you the way he knows he should but ultimately he finds that life boring. But turns out that the other woman isn’t perfect either and so he yo-yo’s back and forth between the two of you — her, then you, then back to her. That’s on him but you’ve allowed that to happen and that’s on you. Either make him 100% accountable his time or accept that he’s going to be in and out of your life as long as one of you is alive.
You sure put that a lot better than I did 🤣🤣🤣🤣
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
44 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
It is exhausting, and the end is not even close yet. You are conciously beginning to realize that he is now cake eating. That is the term we use here when cheaters go back and forth between the wife and the lover\s. Don't take him back because he will go back to her again. It is a toxic dance. The affair partner is his new drug of choice to ease his internal pain. That is why he can't leave her now or anytime soon.
He doesn't have the tools to seek solutions to his internal struggles from within himself. Instead he uses external distractions to ease his turmoil or what he refers to as boredom and depression. He needs counseling. The meds are really good too. The OW band aid will not help him one bit. Distractions avoid introspection and healing. He can't see it though. You can't help him see it either. That is why this is so frustrating and right out depressing for his loved ones.

Detach and work on the 180. Take care of you because you are going to need your strength. Your children if you have more than just your daughter are going to need their only sane parent to be their rock. Your husband is frankly very lost right now.
I agree with everything you have said, this is actually the first time he has told the ow he wants space and she is allowing it. He is drinking quite a bit with his friends on the weekend but said what else is there to do. He actually moved in with her the first time he left and although it was for only 3 weeks, they had only met each other 3 times before this, he didnt even know her, he cant live with her, the 2nd time he got his own place and saw her all the time then it got boring as it does with me. He is lost, but hes never opened up the way he did today, although he has said he loves me and misses me he isnt asking to come back because he knows he cant do this again, he knows he needs to find himself, I just dont know if he can do it alone as DR hasnt referred him anywhere, he has other issues going on with severe back pain as well. Both of us got on so well over the years it's hard to understand what made him go in the first place other than him saying he loved her attention, I'm not going to say much more to him if he calls again, I know for sure hes hardly seeing this ow and it's a start, but until he can fully end it again I'm not intrested in trying to see where we go from here. I took him back so easily before, that cannot happen again if at all. I've been seeing someone recently, more for companionship and he heard this, he said hes gutted but can't do anything about it, I know it's not going anywhere as I'm still traumatised by the whole situation. All he can really say is hes trying to take a look at himself and the damage hes done. I dont really know what he thinks or feels for this ow except I know he isnt happy with her either and he said that's why he needs to be on his own, although he seems to have her dangling.
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Top