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Anyone thinks that it is so easy. Just wake up one day and say your child "come on, we' re leaving". Leave your school, leave you friends, leave your home and your life and go to live... Where??? And eat what??? Isn't that selfish? I know that theoretically the things you say are absolutely right, but how about real life? If I was in my child's place would I accept it? Of course not. Would I cope with it? No...
Why does the child have to leave their school and friends?You can stay in the same general area. Get a place to rent..
 

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FFS. I could make your post super simple to explain to you and others.

"I married the wrong man in a hurry because I lack judgement. I moved to his country hoping it would get better because I lack judgement. My husband treated me like absolute shyte and I let my kid grow up thinking an adult romantic relationship is supposed to be absloute garbage. I suppose I've allowed my child to marinate in a toxic environment since birth because I just can't bring myself to bother. It would be HARD to leave. I'd have to work, and move, and stand up to my POS husband. Much easier to use my kid as an excuse to stay as-is, have an emotional affair, and wait until some day....."

ANYONE who stays in a cold or toxic marriage "for the kids" is using their kids as an excuse to be lazy and spineless. Period.
 

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So sorry to read of your situation. :(
I disagree with the idea that staying married in an abusive situation is somehow benefiting the kids. Divorce is often devastating to kids but if there is abuse, they are growing up thinking that is normal behavior in a marriage.

That said, if you’re afraid to divorce, cheating won’t solve anything. I don’t believe that this guy you’re “in love” with is a good man, to be honest. He knows you’re married and he lacks boundaries, at the very least. I think you should make a choice, either divorce and move forward or don’t divorce but this other man shouldn’t be part of your life until you divorce. It sucks to be in the situation but that’s my advice. Hope you find the courage to get out of your abusive marriage. If it were me, I’d focus on that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
FFS. I could make your post super simple to explain to you and others.

"I married the wrong man in a hurry because I lack judgement. I moved to his country hoping it would get better because I lack judgement. My husband treated me like absolute shyte and I let my kid grow up thinking an adult romantic relationship is supposed to be absloute garbage. I suppose I've allowed my child to marinate in a toxic environment since birth because I just can't bring myself to bother. It would be HARD to leave. I'd have to work, and move, and stand up to my POS husband. Much easier to use my kid as an excuse to stay as-is, have an emotional affair, and wait until some day....."

ANYONE who stays in a cold or toxic marriage "for the kids" is using their kids as an excuse to be lazy and spineless. Period.
Well.. No. I married the wrong man because I fell in love with him and not only me, noone could ever imagine that he wasn't the good caring guy that he seemed to be. I moved to his country because he convinced me that I was fault about what happened to us, my family, my friends, my job and yes he was sooooo convincing. Apart from that, i had recently lost my father and I was too young, I couldn't bare to lose my husband too. And yes, it was hard to leave. Because when I told him he tried to choke me. He told me that he's going to kill me if I take his child away from him. Because I went to a lawyer and told me that in reality noone could protect me even if I had restraining orders against him! Because I was afraid. Because his parents reassured me that he was a good guy and if we went to stay near them all are problems we'll be solved! Yes I was afraid. Yes I was alone. Yes I wanted a real home and the financial support that he could offer for her future (not for me, I've always been the maid!)
. I managed to keep him satisfied in order to behave well in front of her while she was growing. By listening and accepting everything he said. And of course never crying, always smiling and being cheerful for her and others. This is the real thing! I don't think that someone spineless could do that... As well as I think you couldn't do that an stay sane! So you better not judge so hard... Because you don't know what future holds for each and every one of us.
 

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Well.. No. I married the wrong man because I fell in love with him and not only me, noone could ever imagine that he wasn't the good caring guy that he seemed to be. I moved to his country because he convinced me that I was fault about what happened to us, my family, my friends, my job and yes he was sooooo convincing. Apart from that, i had recently lost my father and I was too young, I couldn't bare to lose my husband too. And yes, it was hard to leave. Because when I told him he tried to choke me. He told me that he's going to kill me if I take his child away from him. Because I went to a lawyer and told me that in reality noone could protect me even if I had restraining orders against him! Because I was afraid. Because his parents reassured me that he was a good guy and if we went to stay near them all are problems we'll be solved! Yes I was afraid. Yes I was alone. Yes I wanted a real home and the financial support that he could offer for her future (not for me, I've always been the maid!)
. I managed to keep him satisfied in order to behave well in front of her while she was growing. By listening and accepting everything he said. And of course never crying, always smiling and being cheerful for her and others. This is the real thing! I don't think that someone spineless could do that... As well as I think you couldn't do that an stay sane! So you better not judge so hard... Because you don't know what future holds for each and every one of us.
You are arguing against all the advice that you get. Why did you post here if you don't want to consider what other people think you should do?
 

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Abusive relationships have a certain dynamic to them. It doesn’t happen over night (the abuse), it’s a slow progression in many cases until you’re fully emotionally invested and wonder where the great guy went that you fell in love with? They are charming at first and when you’re in love, you hope the person can change. I’ve been involved in this type of relationship and you feel alone with your struggle. And you become afraid (of the abusive partner) to end it. I’m hopeful that you’ll find the courage and strength to leave him. It’s so sad to read that you have just become used to it and it doesn’t bother you, anymore. Your life is worth so much more. :(

But, don’t have an affair. Your life seems grim now, it will be far worse if you cheat. You have to rescue yourself, another man can’t rescue you out of this marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #29 ·
Abusive relationships have a certain dynamic to them. It doesn’t happen over night (the abuse), it’s a slow progression in many cases until you’re fully emotionally invested and wonder where the great guy went that you fell in love with? They are charming at first and when you’re in love, you hope the person can change. I’ve been involved in this type of relationship and you feel alone with your struggle. And you become afraid (of the abusive partner) to end it. I’m hopeful that you’ll find the courage and strength to leave him. It’s so sad to read that you have just become used to it and it doesn’t bother you, anymore. Your life is worth so much more. :(

But, don’t have an affair. Your life seems grim now, it will be far worse if you cheat. You have to rescue yourself, another man can’t rescue you out of this marriage.
You 're so right...
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
So sorry to read of your situation. :(
I disagree with the idea that staying married in an abusive situation is somehow benefiting the kids. Divorce is often devastating to kids but if there is abuse, they are growing up thinking that is normal behavior in a marriage.

That said, if you’re afraid to divorce, cheating won’t solve anything. I don’t believe that this guy you’re “in love” with is a good man, to be honest. He knows you’re married and he lacks boundaries, at the very least. I think you should make a choice, either divorce and move forward or don’t divorce but this other man shouldn’t be part of your life until you divorce. It sucks to be in the situation but that’s my advice. Hope you find the courage to get out of your abusive marriage. If it were me, I’d focus on that.
Thank you ❤
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
No, what I meant by arguing is when people give you advice, you say, "No, I can't do that, it won't work, it's not right for me", etc.

So I was wondering why you posted...what were you hoping to hear?
But... My question wasn't "what to do with my marriage", "should I leave him or not". My question was if I have the right as a mother to love again. To trust a man. To let myself feel. But everybody's answers made me realize that I can't. At least not now. As far as my marriage is concerned I got my decisions many years ago. Right or wrong. A few years left. When I am done with my child's raising, I 'll leave him. And if I meet someone then, I may give myself a second change in love. Thank you all so much for your answers.
 

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Anyone thinks that it is so easy. Just wake up one day and say your child "come on, we' re leaving". Leave your school, leave you friends, leave your home and your life and go to live... Where??? And eat what??? Isn't that selfish? I know that theoretically the things you say are absolutely right, but how about real life? If I was in my child's place would I accept it? Of course not. Would I cope with it? No...
You should go see some lawyers to see what the finances, child custody/support, etc. would look like. Doesn't mean you have to go through with it, but it could give you a few plans to move forward.
You will not be homeless/penniless -- if you divorce, you will be getting assets from the marriage, and ongoing support from your H.
Do you think your child likes seeing Mom get abused by the Dad? THEY are going to think that is NORMAL behavior in their own life. Isn't it selfish to let them grow up thinking that is ok, and then THEY will wind up having the same sort of relationships?

Nobody said you'd have to leave the school -- you can move to someplace in the same school district.
 

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I'm of a differing opinion. I believe that divorce affects minor children in all kinds of negative ways and that it should be avoided if at all possible. The exception being if a spouse turns violent. You have another 3 years until your child turns 18 after which I would divorce. In the meantime, continue to live your life for you and your child. Do not cheat. If this man loves you, he will wait for you. You should be proud of yourself for how you have handled this to date.
Children learn most from their parents. Be careful what you teach them. Kids aren’t stupid. They see a lot more than you think.
 

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Your marriage is not healthy. You can choose to stay and deal with the same behavior as your husband will not change his behavior. He is not going to wake up one day and realize how much he loves you and how badly he has treated you. his behavior is who how he treats people in his life. You can try to be more accepting and have your own life but the base of your relationship will remain the same.
 

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I was married to an abusive man in my first marriage. He was arrested for domestic violence and the police put me in touch with a domestic violence organization that was very helpful.

You can look up domestic violence organizations in your area and contact them for help.

I also went to therapy which really helped me. I eventually met my second husband and have been happily married for 14 years.

I wish you all the best.
 
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Ugh, went to edit my post and ended up posting it again! Sorry!
 
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