Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 42 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello . I am married for 15 years.
I met my husband and I fell for him at once. We married after 3 months. I got pregnant right away. He suddenly became very jealous, abusive, he didn't want anyone around me and the baby, not even my family. He made me think that I was responsible for his behaviour, he made me quit my job, stop talking to all my friends and family and we moved to his homeland. I thought that it would change things. But ofcourse it didn't. I got totally financially dependent by him... I didn't have anyone to help me with the child. We never got out as a couple. We rarely had sex, and when we did, he didn't want me to have any pleasure. He was calling me names. He was making fun of me and telling me that am ugly worthless and old. He was treating me like he was hating me, even though I never did something to diserve it. After several years, I got used the situation and it stopped bothering me. We stopped fighting all the time. I made some friends which of course he hated... I started creating my own life and he was not included. After a lot of thinking I desided to stay with him until my child becomes an adult. I swore that I will never feel something for another man again. Until met someone. We became friends at first. But he fell for me so did I... But I didn't cheat... I told him that I can't do this. But I am in love him..I miss a man treating me well.. I miss a hug, a kiss, all things that look usual... But I feel that this isn't right for my child.. I can't destroy the family...I don't know what to do... I think it's too late to start over...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,176 Posts
Hello . I am married for 15 years.
I met my husband and I fell for him at once. We married after 3 months. I got pregnant right away. He suddenly became very jealous, abusive, he didn't want anyone around me and the baby, not even my family. He made me think that I was responsible for his behaviour, he made me quit my job, stop talking to all my friends and family and we moved to his homeland. I thought that it would change things. But ofcourse it didn't. I got totally financially dependent by him... I didn't have anyone to help me with the child. We never got out as a couple. We rarely had sex, and when we did, he didn't want me to have any pleasure. He was calling me names. He was making fun of me and telling me that am ugly worthless and old. He was treating me like he was hating me, even though I never did something to diserve it. After several years, I got used the situation and it stopped bothering me. We stopped fighting all the time. I made some friends which of course he hated... I started creating my own life and he was not included. After a lot of thinking I desided to stay with him until my child becomes an adult. I swore that I will never feel something for another man again. Until met someone. We became friends at first. But he fell for me so did I... But I didn't cheat... I told him that I can't do this. But I am in love him..I miss a man treating me well.. I miss a hug, a kiss, all things that look usual... But I feel that this isn't right for my child.. I can't destroy the family...I don't know what to do... I think it's too late to start over...
If you are in love with another man, and he is in love with you, then you are having an emotional affair. That's cheating. So yes, you are cheating.

Your "marriage" should have ended a long time ago. Now you have a choice to make: End the marriage, or end the affair. You don't get to have both.

Is this other man married as well?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,006 Posts
You have Stockholm Syndrome. You have become so dependent on your captor you think that is caring. This abusive man who you married when he was a stranger made you economically and emotionally dependent on him then isolated you from everyone. Staying with him for the sake of your child is not helping anybody. You are only teaching your kid what not to do. You are teaching your kid that abuse is OK. You are not a good example of a healthy happy relationship.

Now you are on the brink of cheating. Don't. Get your soon to be lover to drive you to a divorce attorney & get the ball rolling. When you are free & clear of the prison that is your sham of a marriage, then you can date & love anybody you want. Meanwhile get therapy. You need it. You do not even understand how much damage your husband has done to you. It will take years to bring you back from the fact that he has robbed you of your self esteem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
You have Stockholm Syndrome. You have become so dependent on your captor you think that is caring. This abusive man who you married when he was a stranger made you economically and emotionally dependent on him then isolated you from everyone. Staying with him for the sake of your child is not helping anybody. You are only teaching your kid what not to do. You are teaching your kid that abuse is OK. You are not a good example of a healthy happy relationship.

Now you are on the brink of cheating. Don't. Get your soon to be lover to drive you to a divorce attorney & get the ball rolling. When you are free & clear of the prison that is your sham of a marriage, then you can date & love anybody you want. Meanwhile get therapy. You need it. You do not even understand how much damage your husband has done to you. It will take years to bring you back from the fact that he has robbed you of your self esteem.
Thanks for your answer. I am aware of all that you told me... It is difficult for me to explain but... I can't feel them! I feel that my feet are stuck in mud. I recently fund a job. I don't know how to leave. And I forgot how to live. Yes, I know that this is a bad example for my child... But it was impossible to leave back then. Now that it seems that I could.. I 'm so afraid that I will ruin my child's life... I got therapy for a while and that got me motivated to get a job and try to create something for me.. But now that I am working.. I don' t have free time to continue...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
If you are in love with another man, and he is in love with you, then you are having an emotional affair. That's cheating. So yes, you are cheating.

Your "marriage" should have ended a long time ago. Now you have a choice to make: End the marriage, or end the affair. You don't get to have both.

Is this other man married as well?
Thank you for your answer. Well, I don't really care if this is called cheating or not... I don't feel any guilt... I was just trying to express that we didn't get physical.. No, he isn't married
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,457 Posts
You're causing more damage to your child by staying with this bad person. If your child is a boy, you are teaching him that this is how men treat women. If she is a girl, you are teaching her that this is how she is to be treated.

It's better to be raised by one sane, sober, loving and supportive parent than to be raised in an abusive and toxic environment where one person is mean and abusive and toxic.

It's a myth that children are always "damaged" by divorce. Children are damaged by mistreatment, abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, neglect and living in an environment of chronic hostility and contempt etc. In cases like yours, divorce and getting away from the toxic parent is the solution and the fix and not the harm.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You're causing more damage to your child by staying with this bad person. If your child is a boy, you are teaching him that this is how men treat women. If she is a girl, you are teaching her that this is how she is to be treated.

It's better to be raised by one sane, sober, loving and supportive parent than to be raised in an abusive and toxic environment where one person is mean and abusive and toxic.

It's a myth that children are always "damaged" by divorce. Children are damaged by mistreatment, abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, neglect and living in an environment of chronic hostility and contempt etc. In cases like yours, divorce and getting away from the toxic parent is the solution and the fix and not the harm.
I totally agree but.. There are practical matters too. Believe me, I 've thought and re-thought and calculated before I ended up to that decision... I always try to talk and explain to my child of what is right.. And how a healthy relationship/marriage works.. I know that I made mistakes... But this was the best I could do... I manage to remain sane and raise a smart beautiful and kind person.. It's the only thing that I did right and I am so afraid not to ruin it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,457 Posts
I totally agree but.. There are practical matters too. Believe me, I 've thought and re-thought and calculated before I ended up to that decision... I always try to talk and explain to my child of what is right.. And how a healthy relationship/marriage works.. I know that I made mistakes... But this was the best I could do... I manage to remain sane and raise a smart beautiful and kind person.. It's the only thing that I did right and I am so afraid not to ruin it.
You're missing the point people are trying to tell you - you are ruining it by staying in this situation and role modeling through your actions and inactions.

It doesn't matter what you SAY to your child because your actions are showing your reality.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
You're missing the point people are trying to tell you - you are ruining it by staying in this situation and role modeling through your actions and inactions.

It doesn't matter what you SAY to your child because your actions are showing your reality.
Anyone thinks that it is so easy. Just wake up one day and say your child "come on, we' re leaving". Leave your school, leave you friends, leave your home and your life and go to live... Where??? And eat what??? Isn't that selfish? I know that theoretically the things you say are absolutely right, but how about real life? If I was in my child's place would I accept it? Of course not. Would I cope with it? No...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,998 Posts
No, you don't have the right to love again; nor will ever have that right again, as long as you continue denying yourself that right by continuing acting cowardly, paralyzed in your fears and insecurities with your martyr mentality. In the meantime your child is learning a deviant behavioral pattern by watching you and his father. Way to protect your child. Every day that passes you undo that which you set up to do: to protect your child.

My mother was you. Same situation, but she got the bonus beat-up's constantly. We used to beg her to leave the beast of a father. You have no idea, neither did my mother what damage that does to a child's psyche.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,176 Posts
Anyone thinks that it is so easy. Just wake up one day and say your child "come on, we' re leaving". Leave your school, leave you friends, leave your home and your life and go to live... Where??? And eat what??? Isn't that selfish? I know that theoretically the things you say are absolutely right, but how about real life? If I was in my child's place would I accept it? Of course not. Would I cope with it? No...
You are the parent. You have to make all sorts of choices for your child, whether they like the decision or not. You don't leave them in a bad situation because "they won't like it" if you say no.

You said you found a job, so start saving money. Instead of going out to cheat, go see a lawyer to talk about alimony and child support. You will likely be eligible for both, and you can get a temporary order before the divorce is final. If your husband has been abusive its even possible for him to be kicked out of the house and you get to keep it, thus keeping your child in her home, with her friends, in her school district, etc.

If you have time to have an affair, you have time to figure this out.

What is selfish is keeping your child in a situation like this and using them as an excuse to avoid doing what you need to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
475 Posts
I'm of a differing opinion. I believe that divorce affects minor children in all kinds of negative ways and that it should be avoided if at all possible. The exception being if a spouse turns violent. You have another 3 years until your child turns 18 after which I would divorce. In the meantime, continue to live your life for you and your child. Do not cheat. If this man loves you, he will wait for you. You should be proud of yourself for how you have handled this to date.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
No, you don't have the right to love again; nor will ever have that right again, as long as you continue denying yourself that right by continuing acting cowardly, paralyzed in your fears and insecurities with your martyr mentality. In the meantime your child is learning a deviant behavioral pattern by watching you and his father. Way to protect your child. Every day that passes you undo that which you set up to do: to protect your child.

My mother was you. Same situation, but she got the bonus beat-up's constantly. We used to beg her to leave the beast of a father. You have no idea, neither did my mother what damage that does to a child's psyche.
Hello. I'm so sorry that you feel that way and for all that you 've been through. and I am so afraid of what you said: undo that which I set up to do. There is only one difference : I've discussed this with her and she doesn't want us to get divorced unless we stay where we live. Which is impossible...
But you are right: I don't. I will let her finish school, go to college and then I 'll try to fix my own life..
We mothers try to do the best for our children.. I don' t know if our decisions are correct, but we make them thinking our children best interest. This is our intention. So forgive your mother and love her, it takes a lot of courage to leave, but it also takes more to stay and being abused...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I'm of a differing opinion. I believe that divorce affects minor children in all kinds of negative ways and that it should be avoided if at all possible. The exception being if a spouse turns violent. You have another 3 years until your child turns 18 after which I would divorce. In the meantime, continue to live your life for you and your child. Do not cheat. If this man loves you, he will wait for you. You should be proud of yourself for how you have handled this to date.
Thank u❤
 
1 - 20 of 42 Posts
Top