Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 51 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I would love to see how others would feel about this. My wife went out of town on a business trip recently and when see arrived at the airport I received a simple text message that she had landed. Later that night I sent her a short text message to see how things were but didn't get a reply back.
The next day she had a full day of meetings but I assumed she would at least call or text in the morning or at lunch to say things were fine. By that evening I hadn't heard anything so I sent another text asking her why she hadn't called. Once again no reply so I assumed she was busy.
After not hearing anything by 11:00 PM I texted someone that was on the trip with her and was told that she was at the hotel bar drinking with co-workers. Not wanting to ruin her evening I waited until midnight to call but she didn't answer her phone. Finally at 12:30AM she answered her phone after getting back to her room and was what I would consider drunk for her. She went on to say she was only having water and hadn't drank much but it was pretty clear she was wasted. After attempting to get some type of answers from her I simply hung up pissed off. Am I wrong to be mad about this? Should I not be worrying about my wife getting drunk in some bar with co-workers? When she gets home do I simply pretend nothing happened?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,565 Posts
Sounds like something unhealthy is going on. A good marriage is one where both are on the same page regarding checking in, when apart. If she was out of town and not responding to calls and texts, she is sending the return message, you are not her first priority.

Can you snoop a little? If you do and find someone else, ask her on TAM before you react. Some very wise people her on TAM.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,788 Posts
Ya you should be upset and when she gets home confront her about the new boundries that need to be in place and the consequences for when they are crossed.

I thnk she needs a good spanking when she gets home.

I though what she did was disrespectful.

What the hell does she have a cell phone for? May as well go back to the old days and use a hard line if you can't get immediate access.

can you chech her cell phone log online...she may have been preoccupied with another call....if you know what I mean?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Eh... Do you have a reason to be mad?

Maybe. What is important about her answering her phone? Do you believe that she is going to have an affair? That she must check in with you on a particular schedule? That she might end up in jail if she drinks?

Your post is not getting to the central issue.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
450 Posts
Yes, you have a right to be upset. Anyone who cares at all for their spouse would be if for nothing else, the lack of concern she seemed to show for you and/or your relationship.

Being the suspicious one that I am, I have to wonder why she felt it was necessary to lie to you about having a few drinks. Typically if someone has to lie, sneak, hide something.....that's an automatic admittance of guilt they were doing something they shouldn't have been. JMO.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
160 Posts
You have every right to be pissed off and steaming from your ears!

She knows this as well as you do but when you two meet shes not going to mention because she will try to get away without any fuss!

I have had a similar situation with a gf. I didnt kick up any fuss right away but a month later when i dumped her i mentioned the episode to her and i saw it in her eyes that she was not surprised at all that i bore her a grudge because of it even though i never told her until than!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,446 Posts
Eh... Do you have a reason to be mad?

Maybe. What is important about her answering her phone? Do you believe that she is going to have an affair? That she must check in with you on a particular schedule? That she might end up in jail if she drinks?

Your post is not getting to the central issue.
Thank you. There seems to be some much needed context missing...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,668 Posts
I would be pissed that she had not gotten back with me. I do this for my wife. It is common courtesy.

The issue about the bar is more that she had time for that but not to get back with you.

Is this her first trip out of town on business? Is this something she normally does?

What boundaries exist in your marriage on these things? What have you agreed to?

I go drinking with co-workers on business trips. I do however keep in touch with my wife. Why? Mostly because I miss her but also out of courtesy. I try to call her at least every other day if not every day to see what is going on with her. It is called being connected wtih your spouse.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,278 Posts
Yeah MFC.

You should be pissed. There seems to be more than going on.

She is ignoring you.

Any arguments lately between you two?

How old are you guys? Has she been on business trips before?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,568 Posts
I see one of two possibilities. Either she feels frustrated and controlled in her marriage and, so, once she's out of your sight, she goes 'wild' and enjoys her freedom...cos she can.

Either that, or she's been actively cheating on you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Wow, I am surprised at how many people are jumping on the "you have a right to be pissed" bandwagon based just on what the OP said!

Here's a reality check: We all have a "right" to be pissed at whatever we want to, but getting pissed off poses a threat to our relationship's harmony. There are far more constructive ways to handle anger than simply deciding to get mad.

What reason does the OP have to be mad? Because she was insensitive? Ok... let's go with that for a moment. The OP is going to get "pissed off" without even verifying the reason. To say she was drinking with her coworkers is not the reason she didn't call or text during the day. Hmm... maybe her phone got lost and they don't have each other's numbers memorized. Maybe she trusts that he knows she'll be fine for a day and she was planning to call him before they went to bed. Maybe she is avoiding calling him because she knows he gets angry too easily and she's afraid of telling him she had drinks with coworkers because he's insanely jealous.

Bottom line, it's an awfully big leap to encourage him to anger when we don't have enough information to say whether she had a good reason or not, or whether he has good reasons to feel anxious about her behavior.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,388 Posts
Don't confront from an emotional state of anger. You will lose.

The way you confront this is to say "wife, how would you feel if I went on a business trip, did not call you, and when out partying with all my co-workers? You would not like it. You would not feel respected or valued. You would not feel like you or our marriage was important to me"....

Then see what she says. Let her stew on what you say. But ultimately you judge her on who she is over a period of time, not one particular event.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,714 Posts
Wow, I am surprised at how many people are jumping on the "you have a right to be pissed" bandwagon based just on what the OP said!

Here's a reality check: We all have a "right" to be pissed at whatever we want to, but getting pissed off poses a threat to our relationship's harmony. There are far more constructive ways to handle anger than simply deciding to get mad.

What reason does the OP have to be mad? Because she was insensitive? Ok... let's go with that for a moment. The OP is going to get "pissed off" without even verifying the reason. To say she was drinking with her coworkers is not the reason she didn't call or text during the day. Hmm... maybe her phone got lost and they don't have each other's numbers memorized. Maybe she trusts that he knows she'll be fine for a day and she was planning to call him before they went to bed. Maybe she is avoiding calling him because she knows he gets angry too easily and she's afraid of telling him she had drinks with coworkers because he's insanely jealous.

Bottom line, it's an awfully big leap to encourage him to anger when we don't have enough information to say whether she had a good reason or not, or whether he has good reasons to feel anxious about her behavior.
You really believe not answering his messages until the early hours and getting pssed at a bar in a hotel actually improved their “marriage harmony”?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
I think you have every right to expect your texts/phone calls to your wife to be answered in a timely fashion....as long as you are not constantly doing it where it is irritable & an annoyance to her.

Calmly discuss this with her & do not accept "the I'm too busy to respond to you" excuse. Even the President of the United States has time to return phone calls.

So what if she was having drinks with co-workers & didn't give you a laundry list of her drink choices. She's an adult & this is not inappropriate.

Do you have other reasons not to trust her?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,139 Posts
I think you have every right to expect your texts/phone calls to your wife to be answered in a timely fashion....as long as you are not constantly doing it where it is irritable & an annoyance to her.
:iagree:

I would be fuming if that happened to me.

We would never conduct ourselves this way, I even have him call me from work on a bad snow day to say "Hey honey, I made it OK..love you ". Let alone a business trip far away from home for a couple nights without picking up the phone...

Terribly inconsiderate.

Jumping down her throat will likley make it worse though... people get so offended - and don't want to admit they did a bad thing...that it might have caused their spouse some worry. In this way, Hicks is right....

But yeah... this would never sit well with me. I'm not the jealous type, I am the worried type... I want to know all is OK, check in with me.. if you don't .. you shouldn't expect me to be all happy & gay when you get home...

If your phone got lost... you'd make sure you used the Hotels / a co-workers...to get a quick message to your spouse. I really don't see any excuses here -unless she was kidnapped... or this is normal behavior when she goes on Business trips....which any loving husband would likely have an issue with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,568 Posts
My husband goes on trips all the time. We never call each other. I know if something's important, he'll let me know. And vice versa. I leave him alone to do his work (which includes taking clients out to dinner).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,565 Posts
My husband goes on trips all the time. We never call each other. I know if something's important, he'll let me know. And vice versa. I leave him alone to do his work (which includes taking clients out to dinner).
I think it depends on the marriage and level of trust. Some marriages are fine without the check-ins but some may require it if there are issues, history or just the way it has always been.

If this is out of the norm, could be a sign of something more.
 
1 - 20 of 51 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top