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Do I have a right to be angry?

10K views 84 replies 44 participants last post by  Blondilocks 
#1 ·
This past Saturday night I went to a wedding without my wife. When I came home I was told by my 7 year old daughter that my wife had invited our male neighbor over to the house to put together a chair we had bought earlier in the day.

Rather than ask me, she asked her mother if it was inappropriate to have this person come over. she also texted him later that night and thanked him for his help, adding that "between the two of them" I wasn't very good at putting things together. She later deleted the text before finding out I had read it.

I confronted her about it and she apologized, saying she shouldnt have done it.

I just can't get over 1) why she couldn't wait until I got home to ask me to put the chair together and 2) why she felt the need to put me down to the neighbor in text and then delete the message. She seems to have no remorse for deleting the message and says she just deleted because she wasn't going to talk to him again at this point.

Am I wrong to be angry? It's been 4 days and I'm still just as mad as I was on Saturday night. Am I being too jealous?
 
#3 ·
It was disrespectful, no doubt about that. She should have left it for you to handle and definitely shouldn't be talking smack about you to another man.

I told you a couple of years ago you should divorce her, and I don't remember seeing any updates recently. How is your marriage now overall?
 
#10 ·
Your not jealous...your protecting your marriage.

On a positive note your old lady isn't a well established cheater if she can get busted by a 7yr old...how dumb is that,,,what was she thinking?

Your old lady needs a spanking...you may not be able to put together a chair but you can tie her to one!!!LOL

Seriously...keep an eye out...this sounds way to calculated for it to be an innocent lack of judgment on her part, so do some digging...like in the cloths hamper...if you know what I mean?

On a side note...how many beers were missing out of the frig?
 
#39 ·
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Seriously...keep an eye out...this sounds way to calculated for it to be an innocent lack of judgment on her part, so do some digging...like in the cloths hamper...if you know what I mean?

...
yeah, I think the wife clearly expected the daughter to tell. I don't know how his attendance at the wedding was discussed (was she okay with it, or was it an argument), but she wants to send a message: "if you don't conform your behavior to what I want, I'll bring another man in here."

That's messed up. My wife did stuff like that a couple times when we were dating. Red flags!
 
#13 ·
Woman here and 36 years married. Your wife has definite sights on this man; inviting him over to fix a chair when she has a husband? It is totally inappropriate. Sadly, it took your 7 year old to bust her mother. If my husband did this and asked a neighbor to hem his pants and tell that neighbor that I'm utterly useless in sewing, all hell would break loose. Also, I would tell that neighbor that my spouse is risky and to stay away from trouble. That will send the message that your wife is a hot mess!
 
#16 ·
I agree, this guy needs to know your boundaries when it come to being at your house when your not there and using your tools with out your permission.

As far as your wife goes she needs a lesson in what your boundaries are when it to come to taking shyt about you and inviting guys over when your not around.

Lets face it....your old lady acts different when you are not around and that is no way to affair proof a marriage.

BTW ...why the phuck are you going to a wedding with out your old lady? it's usually an easy score when you take a chick to a wedding!
 
#20 ·
Look at the other side of the coin - you didn't have to spend Sunday putting the thing together. Bite the bullet and tell your neighbor thanks and let him know that in the future you would appreciate the opportunity to not: read the directions, throw away a key part with the packaging and render a new purchase totally worthless and unusable. Because as a husband it is your God given right to fvck it up so back off and he can tell your begging wife "Hell, no, that's your husband's job".

As for your wife, that will be the last item you purchase that has to be put together unless she can put it together all by her lonesome. Your wrenches and screwdrivers are retired.
 
#32 ·
Pretty simple answer - she was only going to be available for this definite and confirmed time frame.

If you put the chair together, she's going to have an issue coming up with something "legitimate" to get him to come over and help with.

My question is - what are you going to do about this?
 
#25 ·
Sounds to me like she was checking out the neighbor.

- Wanting help with a nonessential task like putting a chair together, something you or even she could have done easily by herself.
- Asking her mother if it was inappropiate, which means she knew it was, otherwise she wouldn't have asked in the first place and she wouldn't have asked the one person that probably had her back no matter what instead of you.
- Inviting another man into your house while you are gone, although she thought it was inappropiate.
- Sending him texts afterwards. (Didn't she thank him when he was leaving your house? Why was there any need to send a text?)
- Putting you down in a conversation with another man.
- Deleting evidence.
 
#26 ·
My first thought was that it's just a chair, but then I thought about how I'd feel if my hb had a female neighbor over in my absence.

Yeah not cool.

But in fairness I wouldn't go to a wedding without hb, so I have to ask if your wife was ok with that? Weddings are couples events, assuming of course that you have a partner.

Not knowing you backstory, is there any chance this was a passive aggressive move to pay you back for going without her?
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#31 ·
I would have no problem at all having a male neighbor help my wife with whatever she needed help doing as I trust my wife.

The part that was out of line was the text disrespecting you and that was a red flag of sorts but she may have thought she was being clever or funny and I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

She apologized for it and I would accept it as accepting people's mistakes is a part of life.

I recall you two had other more serious issues. This issue seems very minor compared to the bigger issues so I would let this one go.
 
#47 ·
Things like this really aren't about trust. It's about respect, and I really would not want to be with someone who thought cutting me down to other people was clever or funny. To me, disrespect is never funny nor clever.
 
#34 ·
It sounds like she does not have much confidence in you.

If it had been her brother involved, would any of this have mattered to you? Or is it the fact that it was the neighbor?
 
#35 ·
OP-

I hope you were able to hold up a mirror to your wife.

1) inviting a man over without you present AND without your knowledge beforehand was disrespectful

BUT the biggie was

2) She took care of another man's feelings (giving him accolades for his work at YOUR expense)...now THAT is hurtful and very damaging to a relationship if isn't nipped in the bud.

I hope she is aware and will make amends for that offense...

Rationalizing, minimizing, etc. is only to protect herself and shirk culpability...
 
#36 ·
Yes, you have a right to be angry. Not only were you thrown under the bus with your wife telling neighbor that you were not good at this but my question is why the neighbor? and why when you were out?Was there any reason you and wife could not have figuired this out together? Is she the helpless type that depends on males? Lots of questions in my head but to me this sends up a red flag.
 
#37 ·
I think you have the right to be angry. What she did was open the door to a potential inappropriate situation (EA, PA). However with the 7 year old there, that may not have been her intention (at least not on a conscience level). She was feeling guilty about it because she had to ask her mother. Was she jealous of your going to the wedding with out her? She apologized, so let it go but keep your eyes open.
 
#38 · (Edited)
One should never put down their spouse to another. IMO you have every right to be upset.

Concerning the text to the neighbor after the chair was completed....it belittled you and was reaching for her. She likes the neighbor my man. Furthermore, why the hell does she have the neighbors cell number? My W and I do not have our neighbors numbers. If we need something we knock on the door.
 
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#41 ·
Yes you have a right to be angry!

My H's female boss drove him to her house on their lunch break to help her move an appliance that was delivered. She has a long term boyfriend but told my H that "he isn't very good at things like that" and that she knew my H "could easily do it for her, he has so much more experience with this kind of thing, he's so knowledgable...". My H lied about going over to her place that day and at least 2 other times that I know of to "help" her during the construction of her house. He also lied about her calling him when she was off sick and talking to him for half his lunch because she needed more "advice" that he could give her.

I strongly suspect this developed into an EA at least over time. We went to MC and MC drew circles like the inside rings on a tree trunk.
She said for him to place himself in the middle, and then according to their importance and closeness in his life-place me(right beside him, the kids (the next ring over) his parents and siblings (the next few rings out) then the clerk at the grocery store (almost the farthest ring) then place the co-worker (he placed her a little closer than the clerk)

MC explained that when he does favours for co-worker and spends time on the phone with her he is inviting her into his inner circle where I am and she does not belong there-when he lies about his contact with her he is putting a wall between me and them. These are not the appropriate boundaries for a marriage and it needs to stop immediately. It communicates the wrong message to me and to the coworker about their relative importance in his life. MC said H and the co-worker had poor boundaries and she seemed to have an aggressive personality. (from other things i'd said-she had also texted him after work hours to join her and her friend for a beer because "everyone" was there and it would be fun-it turned out it was just her and a girlfriend.

I was never able to prove anything except that he lied about his interactions with her- put a VAR in his car too late- i think whatever it was-was over by then.

Your wife sounds like she is capable of doing what this woman did. This woman pursued H at a vulnerable time, (managed to figure out his love language when I had not) and praised him for his hard work and expertise every chance she got while downplaying her boyfriend- he's not very strong, knowledgable, experience, fun, doesn't drink and gets mad at her when she does,….

Her pursuit -and my H's welcoming it and being deceitful about it- just about destroyed our marriage. It made me angry, insecure, and jealous. It destroyed my faith in my marriage. It also made me step up my game. I took a long hard look at myself and how I'd let myself go. I made changes. (I went on mild antidepressants to begin to make the changes) I lost weight, I bought new clothes, got my hair done, went out with my friends more, took up golf and learned how to play pool. I became more outgoing and fun. H seemed to appreciate the changes and made some of his own -went to MC with me and IC on his own, spent much more time with me having fun,doing things together.

We reconnected. Maybe thats what you and your wife need to do? Try and be what each other is missing. Read "His needs her needs" and see if you can start meeting them. Trust me I tell him a h*ll of a lot more how strong he is, how knowledgable, how much I appreciate his efforts.
 
#42 ·
I asked you earlier about why you didn't go to wedding as a couple, and now I see it was a child care issue.

I take it her mother doesn't live close by ? She seems to be involved with her mother, can her mother not provide child care so you can do things together as a couple ?

Now, getting back to your original question, yes you have a "right" to be angry. It's a normal response to being mistreated. And your wife did mistreat you.

However, this about more than that night. I have not read your other posts, but it sounds as if you marriage has been on the rocks for a long time, and this night is just a symptom of a myriad of issues between the two of you. I think marriage counseling might be more helpful than the two of you asking mothers and strangers on a chat board for advice.

It seems the two of you don't know how to relate and are both questioning yourselves and your marriage. She has to ask her mother if it's appropriate to have a man over when you are not there, you are second guessing your very valid feelings about your wife's disrespecting you.

Good luck to you.
 
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