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will try to keep it short..... married for 17 years, kids 4, 6 and 8. He works away for 3 weeks, home for 3 weeks. Everytime he comes home I need to re-establish "house rules" as he can never remember them i.e. talk to kids and me with respect, use inside voice, sit back and chill for first 2 days so we can all get used to each other again. when he gets home he goes into strict disciplinarian mode with kids AND me. Never fails to point out my shortcomings e.g. "what, you couldn't have rolled up that hose after you'd used it??" my first concern is that the kids will come to dread daddy coming home. Of course I already do dread his arrival as guaranteed on the second night home I'm thinking I need to leave this marriage sooner rather than later.

Although he is full of praise for me physically I keep telling him that foreplay starts at 9am and when (for example) he calls our son a ****head at the dinner table, there is no chance of sex that night. Unfortunately (depending on your perspective of course) after all these years of pregnancy, babies, major ante and post natal depression (now controlled with medication) I have my va-va-voom back! I am horny as hell but even aside from the fact that I don't desire my husband anymore, his behaviour when at home cancels out any chance of more than once weekly sex.

my question is: do I tell him that I don't think our marriage will last out the year? I only see him for 6 months of the year anyway and although I'd love to see him turn into a loving husband and father for those six months, tend to think he'll become worse rather than better. I really don't want to get divorced for financial and family reasons but I'm only 43 and hate to think I'll spend the rest of my life like this.

thanks for your time.......
 

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If that's what you are thinking, that's what you should tell him. What type of father calls his kids names, anyway? And uses language like that around young kids?

If you dread him coming home, chances are the kids are there or almost there anyway. Sad that he does not realize the kind of damage he's doing. Maybe your words will be the wake up call he needs. Good luck and God bless.
 

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Based on your description, sounds like your H is a controlling, verbally/emotionally abusive person. Personally, I would not put up with ANYONE calling my children names. Do you stick up for your kids when your H does that? If not, START DOING IT NOW!

The only way I would stay with this person is if he agreed to marriage and individual counseling. Even then, I would be very skeptical of him changing.

I have lived with a controlling wife for 20+ years so I'm familiar with emotional abuse. The following article sums up my marriage perfectly and might offer a glimpse into *your* future if you allow things to continue as is.

How Does a Controlling Spouse Affect a Relationship?

Self-Esteem

Step 1:

When one spouse is controlling, the more passive spouse usually suffers from low self-esteem. The controlling spouse tends to make all of the decisions for the household, implying that the other spouse in incompetent. The controlling spouse will overrule any decisions made by the more passive spouse, increasing the self-perceived sense of inferiority. If there are children in the relationship, they will soon realize which parent has authority and which parent does not. They may begin to treat the parent without authority with disdain and disrespect, increasing the passive parent's low self-esteem. This negative atmosphere causes an unhappy relationship, which is often tension-filled. The passive spouse may begin doing things in secret to avoid criticism from the controlling spouse, which will eventually result in distrust when discovered.

Romance

Step 1:

The passive spouse may feel trapped and confused by a relationship that lacks nurturing, unconditional love and understanding. The passive spouse will resent the attitude of the controlling spouse and lack of respect. Of course, the passive spouse will be unable to communicate these feelings with the controlling spouse for fear of reprisal or possibly the withholding of sexual gratification. Resentment combined with low self-esteem and lack of communication will make it impossible to have true intimacy, passion and romance in a relationship with a controlling spouse. Both spouses end up feeling unfulfilled, unloved and desiring something more from a relationship. These feelings are dangerous because they can lead to infidelity and divorce.

Separation

Step 1:

The controlling spouse may feel anger toward the more passive spouse, who seems to be incapable of doing anything correctly. The passive spouse may feel angry but also unappreciated and unloved by the controlling spouse. As their resentment toward each other builds, they drift further apart, and their relationship deteriorates. Eventually, unless they overcome some of the obstacles and begin communicating effectively with each other, their relationship may either dissolve or become fraught with infidelity.
 
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