Do I expect to much?

1100 Views 9 Replies 8 Participants Last post by DrDavidCOlsen, Dec 4, 2012

AdviceNeeded13

Discussion Starter · Dec 3, 2012

I have been married to my husband for a year and a half. We have been together for 8 years total. I have always been a very ambitious person. He has always been more laid back. In some ways he has helped me relax and enjoy life more. As our life contiunes to move forward, with a new home, and now we are exoecting our first child, I continue to be very task orentied. I am always making list, staying on top of house bills and basically getting things done. I pride myself in becoming such a task oriented person. My husband on the other hand has never been like this and I doult he ever will. He leaves for work early and gets home late. By the weekenx he is exhausted and I have a list of things he needs to do. He will help out, but sometimes its like pulling teeth. Meanwhile, I worked all week, cook dinners, made lunchs, paid are bills, did laundry, cleaned the housee... I could go on forever. The problem lies in not that I mind doing these things, but he never does has much as I do and his lack of ambition to do anything but go to work is a major turn off. Hes contines to gain weight and not nit do anything about it and unless I make him a list, he wont think about the things that need to get done around the house. Hes a good man and we have talked about this over and over with no solution. I can be extremely nerotic about getting things done and he is lazy in his thinking and doing. I dont think I can change my desire to want things to get done, how can I help him become a better man.

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SimplyAmorous

· #2 · Dec 3, 2012

Hes contines to gain weight and not nit do anything about it and unless I make him a list, he wont think about the things that need to get done around the house. Hes a good man and we have talked about this over and over with no solution. I can be extremely nerotic about getting things done and he is lazy in his thinking and doing. I dont think I can change my desire to want things to get done, how can I help him become a better man.

It sounds like you are the Energizer Bunny !!

His job sounds very long, getting up early & coming home late, is it very physically demanding ? You say he is exhausted on weekends.

Does your husband get bent out of shape with your lists - does he feel like you are nagging him? I think this is a case where you both look through different lenses to how to enjoy life... he would rather relax, kick back (maybe a little too much), whereas you are a Project Mama -thinking of what needs done next week /next month... & admit to being a little nerotic.about it.

If you both could find a happy medium here, it would be a good start.... you tune it DOWN just a little...less expectations...with him tuning it UP some ..... what kinds of things are on this weekend list that he bulks at - for example ?

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AdviceNeeded13

Discussion Starter · #3 · Dec 3, 2012

He has asked for the list. I have tried not saying anything, making the lists shorter, either way he is bent out of shape or we wind of fighting about how it should get done. He says he wants to do more and he hates that im unhappy about it.... im just beginning to think its not in him to improve or become a worker bee. I dont know how else to support him.... especially because whenhe does something, its usally done halway and I have to bite my tounge. i.e. if he actually cleans the bathroom, he doesnt clean the toothpaste holder or mop the floor, or something else in obvious need so then I have too. Im not asking him to be 100% on every task, just not to put poor effort into every tasks. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont think he was ever good enough for me.

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charmbee

· #4 · Dec 3, 2012

I think your husband can use a quick scare. I have been in a similar situation, I'm always the one saying do this , do that... It's not healthy, because you can possibly loose attention if it goes far enough. To loose attraction and love for someone is very hard to get back. You need to deal with this situation yourself, the problem is he's very comfortable to think you're always going to be there.

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grisha

· #5 · Dec 3, 2012

I am in the same situations here, and I have been unable to find any solution so far. My husband also works long hours, but I now start to suspect that he is dragging his feet at work as well.
The last drop for me was that I had to go out of town for a month and I gave him a list of things to do. He did absolutely nothing from the list. And what tipped me completely off was that he didn't even pay credit card bills resulting in interest being charged. I have lost most of my attraction for him now and became rather rude, but I can't help it.
I have stopped doing anything for him - no cooking, no cleaning and no folding his laundry. A few days ago I firmly stated that I cannot live together with someone who does not keep his promises. He maybe starting to clue in now as he was busy getting things done all weekend. It maybe too late for me though as I don't really care anymore.

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EleGirl

· #6 · Dec 3, 2012

Hire someone to do the housework, quite worrying about and enjoy your time together.

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KathyBatesel

· #7 · Dec 4, 2012

AdviceNeeded13 said:
I have been married to my husband for a year and a half. We have been together for 8 years total. I have always been a very ambitious person. He has always been more laid back. In some ways he has helped me relax and enjoy life more. As our life contiunes to move forward, with a new home, and now we are exoecting our first child, I continue to be very task orentied. I am always making list, staying on top of house bills and basically getting things done. I pride myself in becoming such a task oriented person. My husband on the other hand has never been like this and I doult he ever will. He leaves for work early and gets home late. By the weekenx he is exhausted and I have a list of things he needs to do. He will help out, but sometimes its like pulling teeth. Meanwhile, I worked all week, cook dinners, made lunchs, paid are bills, did laundry, cleaned the housee... I could go on forever. The problem lies in not that I mind doing these things, but he never does has much as I do and his lack of ambition to do anything but go to work is a major turn off. Hes contines to gain weight and not nit do anything about it and unless I make him a list, he wont think about the things that need to get done around the house. Hes a good man and we have talked about this over and over with no solution. I can be extremely nerotic about getting things done and he is lazy in his thinking and doing. I dont think I can change my desire to want things to get done, how can I help him become a better man.

Honestly, yes, you're expecting too much. You're expecting a man to become someone he is not. Even when you "don't say anything" you are saying plenty because you're judgmental about how he spends his time and you believe he should be accountable for your expectations.

You can either find a workaround - hiring someone as was said above - or keep fighting about things you're not compatible on.

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EleGirl

· #8 · Dec 4, 2012

When I married my son's dad he refused to clean bathrooms. He said it was beneath him. Well we both worked full time. So I was not going to get stuck cleaning things that were beneath him.

After griping a few times I just hired someone to clean the house once a week.

Worked out great.

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SunnyT

· #9 · Dec 4, 2012

Sooooooo.... you are doing all the right things, and he is just wrong?

It's going to be a long, long life. Find a compromise. Why can't you recognize that you just ARE different? You are busy and project oriented, and he just isn't? I like to think we marry someone who we LOVE HOW THEY ARE & WHO THEY ARE. Well, the 2nd time around anyway!

Do you work outside the home? Sounds like he works alot. Maybe he really does feel like he is doing his share. MAYBE cleaning toilets is on your list, but not on his. Priorities... ya know?

If you can't love & appreciate him for who he is... it's really going to suck once a kid gets here!

IF he works more than full time, and you don't ... then the bathrooms are yours. Especially if there aren't any children yet!

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DrDavidCOlsen

· #10 · Dec 4, 2012

Couples too often fall into patterned dances. A common one is the over-under responsible dance. The one under functions, the more the other over functions. This of course can lead to resentment and bitterness. Change occurs when the over functioning member begins to confuse the dance. One way to confuse the danceis to not pick up the slack. It can be very helpful to get couple therapy as a way to change the dance before it gets worse.
David Olsen,PHD, LMFT, author. TheCouples Survival Workbook

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