I think he has the right to know but I wouldn't want to dump that news on him without it being confirmed. Is there a way to find out for sure before dumping that on him? Like doing 23andMe or something and having the results go to you.

If not, I would tell him about it and ask him if he needs/wants a DNA test or not. Tell him you support his decision either way, are his dad regardless and won't be offended if he wants to explore that path. If he doesn't, then leave it at that. He's your son regardless.

 

Speaking from same scenario without DNA needed, I believe all three need to have that discussion together. When I had talked to my ex about telling my 20-year-old daughter, he agreed to be there with me. When it came time for the meeting, he wanted no part of it. He raised her as his, knew she wasn't his from the beginning.
When I told her, she asked a some questions, I answered, we shed some tears about it. Now, even though most of the family knew all along, I am the one she doesn't speak to. I feel like she has probably asked my ex some questions and has only gotten what he wanted her to hear. Nobody will talk about it and it isn't from my lack of trying.

 

Why does he need to know? Whose best interests are served by giving him that information - yours or his?

If you have been the only father he's ever actually known, just exactly what benefit will this new knowledge bring him? You might argue that he deserves to know his real father. I would counter that he already does.

 

He needs to know because of problems a lack of genetic history might cause.

Also, there was a case in Britain where a marriage between two gay men had to be stopped because it transpired that the mother of one of them had cheated and they were brothers so unable to marry.

 

I'm concerned that when I die, it will be exposed. Secrets are mostly harmful. Should I confront his mother?

 

His well being is paramount to mine. His mother may have already told him.....

 

His well being is paramount to mine.

Then figure out which choice meets that criteria, and do it.

If you tell him now, it's out. If he finds out when you die, it's out and he can't discuss it with you, so I could see at least some incentive to do that. If he never finds out, that would IMHO be the best situation if the knowledge is of no use to him other than to label his mother a cheater. He's too old to get child support from this other man. About all he could hope for would be a share in any estate, but that's probably pretty unlikely unless he's named in the will.

How exactly would your death uncover his actual paternity? Who would tell him?

 

I'd talk to his mother first. I wouldn't even mention it to him unless there is irrefutable truth.

 

Get a DNA testing done and get it out of the way right away. why torture yourself with the what ifs? You have the right to know, your son has the right to know. It's your prerogative to proceed as you wish, and no one can tell you otherwise.
For the life of me I can't understand people and their difficulty with the truth. Why people hide and retreat from confronting truth. This is one of the reason politicians get away with anything, because people don't want to hear the true. They tell you what you want to hear, not what will really happen. If they were to tell people like it is, it will be not be well received, and the people won't vote for them.

same with personal matters that are hard to confront, so many, and I mean so many people cower, and cover their eyes and pretend that the problem doesn't exist. Do it man get it out in the open. screw your ex and anybody else. I would certainly not hesitate one second if I were in your position.

 

Well, It's not easy to walk up to your 22 year old son and say "I need to swab your mouth....".

 

Tell him that you want to do a DNA test with Ancestry, or some site like that.

You can also get a DNA/paternity test from the drugstore.

Do both tests so he thinks it's about finding out ancestry.

 

It may be way down on the list of importance now, but the GYN's medical history may be pertinent to your son at some time. Just thinking out loud.

 

Why would it be exposed when you die?

 

BTW, He already knows his mother is a cheater. He has witnessed it.

 

Are you hoping this will cause him to reject his mother?

Not judging, just asking.

 

No

 

It would be in his best interest to know of any inherited genetic tendencies towards, say, heart disease, diabetes, various cancers, Alzheimer's, or any of a myriad of conditions. My boys, for example, both know that at age 40 they must start annual PSA testing.

 

My situation exactly. Turned out I am his biological father - in the hope that, should he be diagnosed with prostate cancer, it will be discovered at stage 1 - my son started PSA tests at 43.

 

StillSearching,

I'm a child of my Mothers affair, and I'm glad I found out soon enough to meet my Biological family, not soon enough to meet my Grandmother, but soon enough to meet or talk with most of the them.

I suggest you tell him immediately without hesitation, no matter how horrible the OM was give him the option to see him or not. Don't let him be like me rubbing his tears on his Mothers grave years too late.

If it is the truth then he deserves it just like you deserved the truth about your WWs affairs, the longer this goes on the larger the lie becomes.

It won't make him less it will give him an added dimension to his life, I think of myself as having 4 families not 2 and I see it as a positive thing.

 

What do you mean that the GYN fathered your son?

Was this an affair or was this some weird in vitro clinic thing?

 

I suggest talking with him about it. Let him know that you have recently came into knowledge that he might not be biologically your son. That it doesn’t make a difference to you because he always will be your son. Let him make the discussion on the dna test.

 

I actually love this. It reassures the son of his place in the OP's life, and it allows the SON to control the knowledge he has.

 

What does GYN stand for?

If your suspicion is correct, do you think he'd want to know? If he'd want to, then I don't see a justification for withholding that information from an adult. Even if he might not want to know, it wouldn't be right to expect you to shoulder that if you don't feel right about it being kept secret.

Maybe you could tell him that some information came to light that gives you reason to think you might not be his biological father. Assure him that you want to continue having the same relationship with him regardless, but that you want to know if he'd like to get a paternity test. Remind him that it could be beneficial for medical purposes.

If he does want a test, I'd get it at a local lab that does paternity tests that can be used in court. Those labs usually offer two levels of test, the legally recognized test, and a non-legal peace of mind test. The difference is in the level of documented tracking involved while the genetic material is being transported and tested. If you think there's any possibility of it ending up in court one day, you might want to get the legally recognized test so you don't have to repeat the test later.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation. I hope everything turns out for the best.

 

I'm concerned that when I die, it will be exposed. Secrets are mostly harmful. Should I confront his mother?

His well being is paramount to mine. His mother may have already told him.....

Well, It's not easy to walk up to your 22 year old son and say "I need to swab your mouth....".

BTW, He already knows his mother is a cheater. He has witnessed it.

May I offer a couple of suggestions. First, unless you absolutely know beyond a shadow of doubt, I would not tell him. Even then, I still probably would not tell him. If it comes out after you die, he may silently say "thank God, Dad never knew as it would have killed him."

Now if you want to continue to be a "great father," Go to either Ancestry.com or 23&Me.com and take the DHA test for yourself. Don't ask him to take one. The advantage of the 23&Me DNA test is it is more medical condition related than the Ancestry. The Ancestry is more family connection and family tree building related.

Then after you get the DNA results back start doing some Genealogical research on YOUR family tree. The gift of a family tree and photos of relatives is a wonderful present for an adult child and their future family. My mother was adopted. After her death, I got a court order to unseal her adoption and all related court records. I got some interesting and horrifying news.

My mother's adopted parents were the only parents she knew and she never wanted to know anything about her biological parents. In my family tree I trace my mom's adopted parents families way back in time as they are the source of much of my cultural heritage and my maternal grandmother lived with us while I was growing up.

I also have on the family tree my mom's biological parents. I have have the prison mugshot of the old man who raped a 13 year old girl that was the creation of my mother. A court order can get you almost anything, including old court records, prison records, and adoption proceeding minutes. Your son will hopefully not be as shocked as I was about his biological past.

I would wager that since you say he knows his mom was a "cheater" he may have at some point questions. Then again, he may already know, but doesn't want to hurt you. When those questions naturally arise, if you have a DNA test from one of the major labs, he will be able to get answers easily about his biological relationship to you. Don't force this on him, let him want to find out and provide him with the information when he wants to know, even if it is after your death.

If you decide on this course of action, then do it as it will be able to answer lots of questions your son my have after your death. If you do this, then you might also at some point in the future ask your son's mother to also do one of the major DNA tests, not tell her son anything, but also just leave it as a legacy for him to discover at some point in the future.

My wife took the 23&Me DHA test and has found a huge number of biological cousins all across the country. She was into Genealogy well before I was. One of the most surprising results was a DHA close relative who contacted my wife and said that she was the product of her mother's affair during the time of the Korean war and asked if she might know who her biological father was. My wife put "two and two" together and contacted a cousin, who turned out to be a half-sister to the person asking. The two half-sisters have met and communicated now for a couple years. With modern DNA testing being more common, folks are finding out that there were a lot of illegitemate children out there.

The point is it may not be as horrible as you fear.

Good luck.

 

If you decide to tell him, consider waiting until this CV19 stuff is over and he's in a stable place in his life. Who knows how he would take the news. If he's like most 22-year-olds, he's likely fretting about the future and what he's going to do with his life. The last thing he needs right now is more stuff to worry about. His place in the family may be the of the few things he feels secure about.

 

What is a GYN?

 

GYNecologist

 

How long ago did you find out?

it is imperative that you tell your son, for medical reasons. It is important to find out if there might be any hereditary diseases.

is the gyno still practicing? If so, I would destroy his practice.

 

AND have him spend the last years of his miserable existence in a cage.

 

You should probably tell him now before he decides to spit in a tube and send it off to 23andme or ancestry.com for kicks and unexplained relatives start popping up in his results. Hell his children or grandchildren could decide to do something along those lines which could result in the same thing.

And it would be a shame for your son to find all this out after you've both passed and he'd be unable to get any answers from either of you.

As for your ex wife I don't see what the point in confronting her would be.

 

Still....are you saying your ex had an affair or that you both had artificial insemination and the doc used his sperm?

 

He has the right to know. Tell ExWW you know and are going to get a DNA check done. Then tell your son and do the check. In that order. Regardless of the outcome you are his father regardless.
Buffer

 

I am in the tell him camp. I think everyone has the right to know where they came from.

 

I've lived with this issue for over 40 years. My wife was adopted from Germany by Americans after WWII and has spent her life obsessed with 'knowing' who her father was. It's based partly on health issues but also a basic human need to know where they came from (it's a common motivation in adopted folks - I can't really explain it).

Her naturalization papers included the adoption paperwork (and the mothers name & address). The mother later married and had two daughters (half sisters) - but neither she (or aunts & uncles) would identify the father.

Good advice to DNA first and then try to pick a relatively good time. IMO your son will think more of you for choosing to be his father. Be sure to explain why you waited (he'll ask).

In view of all the DNA testing he will find out eventually. Better to find out now than later when he or his future wife or kids do a DNA test and discover you're not in the family tree.