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Discussion Starter #1
Need your advice ladies..
I busted my husband a few days ago regarding an affair which I assumed was a PA but he states it was a EA. I want to forgive him and move on, and he does not want a divorce, appologized etc, but I keep thinking about this OW and is she waiting around for a man who has no intention of divorce? Is she in love with my husband? As pissed as I am, for some weird reason I feel bad for her. I really want to email her and get her side of the story. 1) to make sure my husband is telling me the truth and 2) to see why she would start something with someone who she knew was married?
What do you guys think? Is this going to hurt or help my marriage recover from this????
 

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Personally and this is just my opinion ....I would achieve a calm state and then contact her and see what she says. I would be as general as possible and let her clarify and provide details.


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Personally and this is just my opinion ....I would achieve a calm state and then contact her and see what she says. I would be as general as possible and let her clarify and provide details.


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That's what I would do and I would also not tell my husband ahead of time. That way he and the OW don't have time to get their stories straight.



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2) to see why she would start something with someone who she knew was married?
Unfortunately, sometimes this is the EXACT reason they 'start something'. To some, men/women, getting the attention from an attached partner is more fun as they thrive off the thrill of chasing/getting someone they can't have. Does that make sense?

If you feel comfortable, I say GO for it! What can it hurt? If he's on the up and up, then nothing she says should be a surprise; but also prepare yourself just in case she tells you something different. I totally agree: DO NOT tell your Husband what your intentions are.
 

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Just my opinion, but if the OW thinks she is in love with your H and can break up your marriage she will lie... So take whatever she tells you with a grain of salt.
 

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You want to forgive and move on so soon? Should you not be outraged at how he deceived you? You are entitled to be angry and very, very, hurt. Are you in shock?
It's rare for a WH to admit to everything at first. Talk to OW and ask what happened.
 

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If you are choosing to forgive him then just do that! why dig more? the OW may lie and say things that will hurt you even more if you in fact want to move on I would suggest you do not contact her...
 

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YOU can contact her. HE cannot. Get the full truth from her. Tell her your side. If you don't know the full truth, you'll never be able to move on. Trust will be way harder to get back. Don't just 'let it go' or you'll build up emotional walls to guard yourself from the lack of trust that will continue to stew without proper closure. Don't ask her what happened right off the bat. Get into it slowly. Tell her what HE told you happened.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thanks so much you guys for the advice. Yes I think I was in shock because now im getting pissed, and want more answers. Im an amazing wife and dont deserve this crap. Cross your fingers for me:)
 

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From a male perspective (I hope you dont mind ladies?).

If this was a guy asking the same question Id be say "Yep, get in touch, make some points very clear, keep your hands to your self. Id make sure in my mind if they knew or not that I existed when the ea/pa began. If they knew about me then they would be left with a simple straight to the point warning, "line is drawn, over step again and expect the walls of hell to drop in on you when you least expect it". If they didnt know about me the it would be "line is drawn, over step again and expect the walls of hell to drop in on you when you least expect it".

Then Id tell my partner Id done it and leave them with a simple thought in mind
"line is drawn, over step again and expect the walls of hell to drop in on you when you least expect it".

Just levelling out the playing field between male and female thought process to being cheated on.

Your entitled to be pi$$ed and react.
 

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Wow I am sorry you had to go through this but I couldn't rest feeling like I didn't know the whole story. Contact her and like most have said already you dont know what you are going to get when you do. She may be angry and bitter and for this reason she might tell a whole lot of lies. Or she might not actually have known about you and feel remorseful and regret and it might anger her to know she was involved as the other woman. Whatever the case I do hope she will realize there is nothing there for her and she will delete your husbands name and contact info and move the hell on to someone who is single.

I have been through infidelity in my marriage so I know that it doesn't necessarily signify the end if the person who cheated deeply regrets it and will put in the work to gain the trust and respect back that was lost. But at the same time keep you eyes open and let him know if he ever, ever thinks about disrespecting you again in this way he might as well sign the papers on his way out the house to go do it.

Also remember you have every right to be angry, so take your moment and while you do he has to just sit there and take it and once you are ready to begin the rebuild he needs to bend over backwards every single day to earn your trust back.

Good luck to you....
 
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