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Discussion Starter #1
Oh what tangled webs we weave. So let me first preface by saying that I know it isnt right but sometimes I do check my wifes text messages to her friends (we have been having problems so I try to know what she is thinking). So long story short, this past weekend, it was my birthday and we happened to be at a friend of mines wedding. I could tell my wife was flirting with the bar tender but didnt really think much of it, she is not one to cheat or really flirt but we both arent the jealous type. I checked her phone today and she texted her friend that night 'wow this bartender is really f'n hot, too bad my husband is here cramping my style'. Now I know most of this is girl talk, because her friend is single and ****ty and will be for life (excuse my language but i really dont like her), so im not sure how much of that is just girl talk and thats how they communicate or how much of it is genuine. Of course its impossible to tell because none of you know her, but I know she would never cheat. My question is....do girls normally talk to their other girl friends about that kind of stuff just in the context of having girl talk or is this something I should be concerned with? As a guy im sure I say to other guy friends 10 times a day that another girl is hot, but I am not sure if girls do the same thing in terms of just talking the talk but would never take action....

back to my subject line...Is it a dangerous game and slippery slope to start let 'slipping' that I think other girls are hot? Im wondering what you ladies think in terms of these cold war tactics we married couples play on each other. I know it may seem petty but I am more concerned with how you as a wife would feel if you saw a text from your husband saying the same thing about some female bartender, and what you would do about it (other than confrontation). :rolleyes:
 

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This friend of hers, is she new? Has she known her for years? How much time do they spend together. It could be her friend is a bad influence. As far as what your wife said, I'm less concerned about her saying the bar tender guy was hot and more concerned that she said, "to bad my husband is here cramping my style." You say shes not one to cheat, but how do you know for sure? I'm assuming you being there means she can't flirt full out, and why would she want to, shes a married woman. Also checking her texts does signal you think something is up and that you don't trust her. Perhaps its time for a talk, you need to find out where she stands in the marriage. Even if she wasn't to cheat, her flirting means she is wanting attention.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
It's a slippery slope.

She's putting you down and flirting w/ another man and telling her girlfriend about how she wished you weren't there.

You wanted to find something and did.

Talk to he about it.

Cold War tactics are for children, IMO. And they resolve nothing that has to do with the central issue.
Its tough because I know that I can only play that card once, so not sure I want to waste it on something like this, but yes I agree they are for children, just wasnt sure how many people playd them in their marriages these days..
 

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Discussion Starter #5
This friend of hers, is she new? Has she known her for years? How much time do they spend together. It could be her friend is a bad influence. As far as what your wife said, I'm less concerned about her saying the bar tender guy was hot and more concerned that she said, "to bad my husband is here cramping my style." You say shes not one to cheat, but how do you know for sure? I'm assuming you being there means she can't flirt full out, and why would she want to, shes a married woman. Also checking her texts does signal you think something is up and that you don't trust her. Perhaps its time for a talk, you need to find out where she stands in the marriage. Even if she wasn't to cheat, her flirting means she is wanting attention.
No this is her friend of 10 + years and she is the friend that always has crazy guy stories, hooking up with 5 dudes at a time, etc. Thats the main reason I think it could merely be girl talk because that is the type of stuff her and this girl talk about. It was still jsut hurtful to see it being said form my wife. While I say she wont cheat, I guess no one really ever knows do we? But from what I can gather, she hasnt been cheating. The reason I check her texts is because we have been having some troubles for the last few months and I initially thought she may be interested in other men so I have been occasionally reading her emails and texts just to make sure she isnt.
 

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Sounds like your wife needs new friends. Also do you have a plan just in case you were to ever find a email or text that shows she was clearly cheating or thinking about it?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
My husband used to play them a lot and I left.
well thats what im worried about. Do I just pretend like I dont know and suffer in silence, or play her games just so I can feel even, but risk the marriage down the road. As I said before, what tangled webs we weave
 

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My BFF would say something like that as strictly a JOKE. So it depends on the person. Of course, she'd probably say it in front of her hubby, too! :) She might have meant it playfully since she was talking to a friend such as you describe. I wouldn't play games and I wouldn't call her out on it. I'd just keep a watchful eye out but then I've never been burned by infidelity.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Sounds like your wife needs new friends. Also do you have a plan just in case you were to ever find a email or text that shows she was clearly cheating or thinking about it?
Yes I totally agree. We are moving from DC back to Austin next week so i think that will help, because all of our friends there are married and it will be a better influence on her. Here in DC all her friends are single or hate their husbands and cheat on them all the time so that is all she is exposed to when she speaks with them. Im hoping she stops talking to this girl once we move but I doubt it.

That is why i said I can only play that card once, because once I call her out she will know that Ive been checking her messages and she will change her pw and I cant check them anymore...but if I found evidence of actual cheating about cheating about to happen, bet your ass I will say something. For now I dont care if she thinks another guy is hot, we are human after all. Just didnt like that she was texting her gf that, when she is supposed to be hanging out with me, on my birthday of all days
 

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Discussion Starter #12
No. Do not suffer in silence. Do not play games.

Talk open and honestly about you feelings and try to come to a resolution.
How do I do this without basically saying 'I know you sent a text to your friend and it hurt my feelings?' I mean we talk in a general sense, and even did this morning, and she told me how much she needs me and loves me and all that jazz. So 'overall' I feel ok with where we are at....at the moment....but not sure I can bring up that it hurt my feelings without blowing up my spot. I know I should respect her privacy and she is entitled her to own thoughts and communications with friends..I just think that is a bit over the line and hurtful
 

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I really sounds harmless to me, so I don't recommend you up the ante by voicing your attraction to other women. After all, she didn't do that to you.

I personally don't joke like that, but it wouldn't set off any warning sirens if one of my married friends texted sucha thing.

I also advise you to speak to her, but if you do, you will lose access to her phone for your dishonest snooping. She will likely be highly offended that you have been snooping and might even suspect YOU of having something to hide, as we often look for our own flaws in other people.

This seems like its not a huge deal to me, but if you can't let it go just ask her about it. If you have good communication in your marriage it co9uld work out fine. Keep in mind the consequences of outing you snooping, though.
 

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How do I do this without basically saying 'I know you sent a text to your friend and it hurt my feelings?' I mean we talk in a general sense, and even did this morning, and she told me how much she needs me and loves me and all that jazz. So 'overall' I feel ok with where we are at....at the moment....but not sure I can bring up that it hurt my feelings without blowing up my spot. I know I should respect her privacy and she is entitled her to own thoughts and communications with friends..I just think that is a bit over the line and hurtful
You just answered your own question. Maybe your suffering in silence is just punishment for invading her privacy?
 

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I'd sit on this for now.

However, since your gut does seem to be telling you something or just generally nagging you, if it keeps up you may want to do some more checking.

Get the last few months of your cell phone bill and look it over. Does she have a lot of texts.calls to a number you don't know? Is she doing anything different (new clothes, hair style, always on phone, phone now pw protected when before it wasn't)?
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I'd sit on this for now.

However, since your gut does seem to be telling you something or just generally nagging you, if it keeps up you may want to do some more checking.

Get the last few months of your cell phone bill and look it over. Does she have a lot of texts.calls to a number you don't know? Is she doing anything different (new clothes, hair style, always on phone, phone now pw protected when before it wasn't)?
Its weird, all of the warning signs are there but I just havent found anything yet. We started having problems in June and have been rocky ever since. That is when she put a pw on her phone and changed her email passwords but she doesnt know that I found out her phone pw and have been checking both her email and phone ever since. So far I havent seen any evidence of cheating or even evidence that she is talking to other men, mainly its just complaining to other women about me. So I assume that she just never wants me to see that stuff, but I guess you never really know. Like I said we are moving from DC to Austin, that combined with my lack of evidence that I have found of an affair, I dont think she is cheating. Though she could just be super sneaky and deleting things, just dont think she is because she doesnt know that I have her pws. I will go over my cell bills just to make sure though.
 

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Mr Pink,

I snoop all my wife's texts and emails. Being able to check her electronic communications is one of greatest advantages you can have over the forces that work against your marriage. But remember, you are gathering information and you want to keep gathering it. Be very careful not to take any action that might jeopardize your source. I repeat, do not do anything that will jeopardize your source. Don't say anything, don't do anything and above all, don't play games. Opportunities to act will present themselves at strategic times and you will find yourself able to act with complete autonomy. You are at an advantage here so don't give it away

One thing I have found, for example, it that previously puzzling outbursts of disrespect from my wife could be correlated to communications with certain people. Observing this helped me to observe the same or worse when they meet face to face so you can bet that I won't be available to watch the kids when my wife wants to go out with this girlfriend.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Mr Pink,

I snoop all my wife's texts and emails. Being able to check her electronic communications is one of greatest advantages you can have over the forces that work against your marriage. But remember, you are gathering information and you want to keep gathering it. Be very careful not to take any action that might jeopardize your source. I repeat, do not do anything that will jeopardize your source. Don't say anything, don't do anything and above all, don't play games. Opportunities to act will present themselves at strategic times and you will find yourself able to act with complete autonomy. You are at an advantage here so don't give it away
Right, this is my exact thought. If I tell her what I know or get mad at her, I can only use that card once and then its over because then she will know, so I figure I should save it for something big. The problem that I am facing, which I have now come to realize, is that I am searching for insight into her mind and actions and her texts with her friends really dont provide that. I think of convos I have with my friends that i think are harmless, but in no way reflect what I think and she would prob be horrified if she read them. So i am having trouble separating out the fact that her texts are just meaningless banter between girl friends, and I probably dont know the context of their previous convos or in person convos, etc. However if I found evidence of an affair that is one thing...but I guess I shouldnt sweat meaningless girltalk over text message...
 

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I say quit trying to play games. Let her know that you found the email and it upsets you. I would never try hitting on another man, let alone while my husband was present. And while I have said that a man is handsom, I have never said my husband was ruining my game. She needs to get a clue and grow up.
 

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The thing with doing tit for tat commenting on other girls is that there's no point. It's not going to stop your wife doing it. If anything, she'll feel more justified in commenting on other men. It might hurt her feelings, I suppose, but that's about all it'll do.

I could imagine a comment like that being jokey banter that means very little. "The old ball and chain' type joke. But only okay if you are in a really solid, happy relationship, and that that kind of teasing and banter is an accepted form of affection.

Ai don't think there's much you can do, short of confronting her, and that will just drive the behaviour deeper underground. Sorry you're in this situation, my feelings would have been hurt if I'd read a text like that, but I would have immediately told my husband to knock it off and our phones aren't passworded anyway.
 
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