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It is a long story, but I will give you the basics.

Got married 1 month ago. Before the wedding, I agreed to live with him and his Mom (who is perfectly healthy) even though I didn't want to. The house is paid off and will be his when she passes. They are both hoarders and he promised me that he would have the house clean before we got married and I moved in. So, I asked him a few mons before if he would have it done in time for the wedding and he said, yes, no need to postpone it. I trusted him and after the wedding, I went to move my stuff in and it was a nightmare come true. It had not been done. All I had was a tiny room for me and my dog and 1 shelf in the kitchen.

I told him it will take to long to clean on their own because he only has 1 day a week to do it. And in the mean time we should rent a place until it can get done and he can do his remodel that they wanted to do. He says no, he will never rent and will never pay anyone to come in and professionally help him clean. So, we have been living apart for the past month, and I have been trying to help clean, but it is taking forever and it is not a priority to him.

So, since he is giving me no choice but to live at my parents and sleep on the couch, I told him I am clearly not worth it to make this work if cannot do what is right and get a place with me in the mean time. Money is so important to him and I always give him his way. He bought property in Hawaii behind my back after he said he would not, because I said it was a waste of money. And he wants to build a house on his property in San Diego, which is not somewhere I want to live, and he said he would not if I move in to his house and now that is all he cares about is saving his money to do that.

So, he chose to end this and I said I would get my things out of his house. Then my Grandma called him without me knowing and he told her he is having heart troubles and is sick. He never even called to tell me that, he has just been ignoring me and the situation. I feel so bad and I can't even check in on him, because he won't talk to me. I am worried about him and I am heartbroken and I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I don't want to call him because we will just argue and I don't want to stress him out more and make him sicker. So, I am suffering with worry and heartbreak. Should I just make a clean break or try and stay his friend because I care for him and love him, but he is making me out to be the devil and is being so cold to me.

I tried to give all the important details. And, we already was a therapist and she was no help. She just stated the obvious, I need to choose between living in his hoarders house or leave him. And he chose for us by saying renting is not worth saving our marriage.

Any advice?
 

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I'm so sorry for the situation you've found yourself in. So many spouses are unable (or unwilling) to own up to their responsibilities in a marriage. My wife has decided she's bored, unhappy, not emotionally supported, etc etc and wants to divorce me after a year and a half. I couldn't imagine what it would be like after only a month. However, you may have one small shiny silver magical get out of jail free card. Depending on the laws in your state, because you were unable to share a home together (due to his refusal to provide a suitable living environment for you both) and that you've only been married a month, you MAY be entitled to an annulment. It would be a very quick, easy, inexpensive way to end this now. You can move on with your life and be able to say legally and ethically that you'd never been married. Just a thought. Good luck and God bless you!
 

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Hoarder who lives with his mother? Counselor was right, I think it's just not what you wanted to hear. You feelings and needs are not even being considered one month into the marriage. It will only get worse.
 

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1. He LIED to you about the house being ready before the wedding. He KNEW it wasn't, but didn't care what YOU wanted (a decent home) only cared about what HE wanted (to be married.)

2. He does NOT CARE about YOUR NEEDS BEING MET, only his needs. Will not pay rent to live somewhere decent. Will not pay someone to help clean up mess. You are just "free labor". See point #1.

3. He LIED to you about buying the property in Hawaii. Told you he wouldn't, then did it behind your back. See point #1 and point #2.

4. He does not care about your needs being met with regard to sex because I can't imagine that with sleeping on a couch at your parents' house that EITHER of you are getting any sexual satisfaction. See point #2.
Money is so important to him
But apparently, YOU are not. See point # 2.

5.
he wants to build a house on his property...which is not somewhere I want to live...he said he would not if I move in to his house and now...that is all he cares about is saving his money to do that
AGAIN, HE LIED TO YOU and HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR NEEDS BEING MET. See point #1 and point #2.

6.
So, he chose to end this .
Thank God someone did! [sorry, editorial note]

7.
he told her (wife's grandma) he is having heart troubles and is sick. He never even called to tell me that
Considering his track record, see point #1.

8.
he chose for us by saying renting is not worth saving our marriage
See point #2.
Should I just make a clean break or try and stay his friend
NO! Just make a clean break of it, get an annulment, rue the day you ever met his lying selfish azz, and thank God (on both knees preferably) that you are WELL OUT OF THIS MESS.

9. PLEASE get into Individual Counseling. You are a person with VERY LOW self-esteem. I would assume that this man is one of the FEW men you have EVER dated in your life. You need to find out WHY you think you are unworthy of being treated in a respectful, thoughtful, caring, considerate manner. I mean we are TOTAL STRANGERS to you...and WE think you deserve more REAL love and better treatment than this, sweetie!
 
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