Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 55 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
My wife found downloaded porn on my phone yesterday, I did watch it, but didn't realize it got downloaded. She was deeply hurt, I was embarrassed when she told me.

She went to work and I started to look in google for some advice (which landed me here), I found a lot of information that made me reflect on myself and think on how to fix this.

While she was at work she posted many whatsapp status saying things like "I'll be better, I'll start from the beginning", "I chose the wrong person". I knew things were going to be hard, but as I looked through our pictures together, I really wanted to go there, when we were that happy.

So, she came back from work, not a word, distant, I tried to do some small talk, and nothing. At night we had the talk, she asked me why I downloaded that and I told her the truth, first about the download part, and then I explained that it meant nothing as I watched so I can masturbate to relief stress and that is not even on a weekly basis. She began to yell that I'm a cheater and a traitor among other things.

Then we went to sleep, I stayed on the couch (she took my phone), and late at night she went to bathroom, she asked me to kill a spider, I did, went back to the couch and she slammed the door, I told her to be careful, then she came back and started to throw things at me, she grabbed a shoe and started to hit me with it, hard, I didn't responded, I just asked her to stop, eventually she did, and then she started talking about divorce and that when we get it we should tell a different story because she is emabarrassed of me, that I'm the worst person that she knows and thst she thanked God that we lost our baby. She then slammed the door and I was left crying and emotionallly hurt.

Today in the morning I looked at her when she came out of the bedrooom, she rolled her eyes and yelled that I shouldn't look at her, that for her we are not married anymore and as I was writing this she said that I can't stop looking at porn and left.

Then, I'm still writing, confused, scared, I tried to book a session with a psychologist, she comes back and continues to call me trash, a piece of ..., worse than a homeless, perv and so on. Then she said, you commitef adultery, I said no I didn't, she replied well, I'm up front with you, I downloaded Tinder during the night, started to talk with someone I like, we're going out on Sunday, if you can watch used woman then I can go out, I want a boyfriend.

I told her that it was wrong, that what she is going to do is actual adultery, and she said that what I did was cheating and that she doesn't care anymore. I told her about the couples counseling, and she said that I should go because I'm sick.

She now says that she's taking a shower because she has to go on some errands.

As I watched our pictures yesterday, I kept believing about our love. Today our marriage turns five months, that's also what I keep thinking, what's going to happen in the future? Can I fix this? How? Am I the only one who wants to fix this?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,603 Posts
Gulp...

A bunch of people are going to tell you that you're wrong.
A bunch of people are going to tell you that your wife is wrong.

The only question that really matters is if you two can come to a mutual agreement on how to live together (after she cools off a bit).

Are you willing to never look at porn again in your marriage? This seems to be a hard limit for your wife, who considers it both adultery and an act worthy of a revenge affair . Don't say yes if you're just going to go underground and risk getting caught again. This sounds like a non-negotiable for your wife.

I wouldn't say yes to such an arrangement, but it is your marriage to run.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,576 Posts
You need to give more information if you want help.
What age are you and your wife and is she deeply religious?
How often do you have sex in your relationship?
I don’t understand why men who have a willing partner to have sex with would need to watch porn but that being said I think she’s overreacting and if she really does meet some guy I would start divorce proceedings immediately.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,130 Posts
Are you willing to never look at porn again in your marriage?
Okay, but that's not the only question. Are you willing to live with someone who reacts in such an extreme way? Isn't willing to discuss a problem, and instead becomes violent? And then starts up on Tinder? That's a MUCH bigger ask than going without porn. Think really carefully.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,603 Posts
Okay, but that's not the only question. Are you willing to live with someone who reacts in such an extreme way? Isn't willing to discuss a problem, and instead becomes violent? And then starts up on Tinder? That's a MUCH bigger ask than going without porn. Think really carefully.
Well, sure, I was trying to stay out of the "who's the most wrong" here argument.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
You need to give more information if you want help.
What age are you and your wife and is she deeply religious?
How often do you have sex in your relationship?
I don’t understand why men who have a willing partner to have sex with would need to watch porn but that being said I think she’s overreacting and if she really does meet some guy I would start divorce proceedings immediately.
She is 23, I'm 31. We are not deeply religious, however, her parents are, so she grew up with strong Christian values.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Okay, but that's not the only question. Are you willing to live with someone who reacts in such an extreme way? Isn't willing to discuss a problem, and instead becomes violent? And then starts up on Tinder? That's a MUCH bigger ask than going without porn. Think really carefully.
She also said that if she finds something else she is going to post it on Facebook and send it to my contacts. This happened after the Tinder thing, she even glanced me the conversation on Whatsapp and showed me some pictures. I think that she feels that I'm pushing her to do that, that if it happens, it's my fault because I watched porn. Before that she asked how would I feel if I found out she watches porn, I told her that if that happens we would talk about it. But I do get that if she does that, going out, I would have to end it all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,603 Posts
She is 23, I'm 31. We are not deeply religious, however, her parents are, so she grew up with strong Christian values.
She also said that if she finds something else she is going to post it on Facebook and send it to my contacts. This happened after the Tinder thing, she even glanced me the conversation on Whatsapp and showed me some pictures. I think that she feels that I'm pushing her to do that, that if it happens, it's my fault because I watched porn. Before that she asked how would I feel if I found out she watches porn, I told her that if that happens we would talk about it. But I do get that if she does that, going out, I would have to end it all.
The original question still stands.

You will have no success changing her views on this, and she seems perfectly willing to blow up your life over it.

Can you live with this person?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
As I watched our pictures yesterday, I kept believing about our love. Today our marriage turns five months, that's also what I keep thinking, what's going to happen in the future? Can I fix this? How? Am I the only one who wants to fix this?
Five months? I'm surprised this board isn't already overflowing with the "that's barely long enough to consummate the marriage!" crowd! Anyway, how long did you two date before you got married? Oftentimes something like this would be found out before pledging those "forever" vows to one another.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,997 Posts
Listen, she is nuts, completely and totally. You need to divorce her she is crazy.

I don't understand why you think any of this is OK?

Is this your first relationship? Have you had other relationships before?

I am starting to wonder if she was already sleeping with someone and now is just going to do it openly.

But she is so far out of bounds that there is nothing to talk about.

Married for 5 months, get rid of her...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,763 Posts
wow.

it seems to me your wife's reaction was way over the top. Now many people have different opinions about porn. i am one of those people who think porn is bad in and of itself and destructive to marriage. that is my personal belief. i don't care what other people think. however, i also think porn and masterbation are one of those 'venial' sins that arise from human natural urges.
i don't equate porn or masterbation within a marriage as adultery or cheating. however my opinion doesn't really matter; obviously your wife thinks different.

nevertheless, i consider your wife's response over the top, even given her beliefs.. i have discussed or read articles porn/masterbation with/by numerous psychologists, counselors priests/ministers.
I don't think any religious i've know in authority who would damn you the way your wife has. that said, the people i have known or read would probably consider it a problem that should be
discussed with compassion, understanding and rational thinking rather than a wild, crazy reaction and threats of divorce
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,556 Posts
She also said that if she finds something else she is going to post it on Facebook and send it to my contacts. This happened after the Tinder thing, she even glanced me the conversation on Whatsapp and showed me some pictures. I think that she feels that I'm pushing her to do that, that if it happens, it's my fault because I watched porn. Before that she asked how would I feel if I found out she watches porn, I told her that if that happens we would talk about it. But I do get that if she does that, going out, I would have to end it all.
Setting the porn aside, it's a bigger question of how will she act when she decides you've done something else she doesn't approve of?

How she handles disagreements as an adult, even as big or little item as porn is (some yes, some no) is the as equal concern.

She seems a bit unstable. Many Hs and Ws would be concerned their SO isn't a challenge solver but a my way or the highway person and that will never ever work for a ltr much less a M.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,044 Posts
Poor eyesight. Is that the Mexican flag? Does she always react in such an emotional way? What culture are y'all? Have you talked about marital boundaries before marriage? How often do you have sex? Has she asked for more? Some porn is more hardcore than others? Was your download offensive because of the specific content or just in general? Would she talk to a priest?

How long ago did y'all lose a child? Has she been depressed, anxious, different in her interactions with you since then? How about jealous throughout your relationship? Many women feel denigrated personally if their husband prefers porn to them.

Marriage with someone who is on her way to irrational behavior is a miserable choice. Has the courtship and five months of marriage been similarly volatile? Glad you are seeking help. IMO: her overreaction has underlying causes that we do not know.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,064 Posts
Don’t expect her to change. Decide if you want to stay or leave and carry on.

(FYI — I stayed in a dysfunctional marriage for decades. It never got any better than it was from the beginning.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
399 Posts
Five months? I'm surprised this board isn't already overflowing with the "that's barely long enough to consummate the marriage!" crowd! Anyway, how long did you two date before you got married? Oftentimes something like this would be found out before pledging those "forever" vows to one another.
Not only this, but the fact that they lost a baby. @SadAdam I'm sorry to say but this strongly implies that you only got married for the kid. Quite honestly, that can easily be the worse a person can do for their children. Children by themselves should never be a reason for marriage.

Personally, I'd say let her go. If this is how she will react over a single porn video, and she can't grasp how she is escalating, then she is an abusive relationship waiting to happen. You can and will find better. Oh, and don't lie for the divorce. Let all know how she is overreacting.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
263 Posts
Your wife's reaction is a little over the top.

Not only screaming, threatening, but hitting you? What the heck???

Look, I'm not a fan of porn, but throwing a major temper tantrum like that about it it's kinda cray cray.

Opening a tinder account because she's hurt is ridiculous. How is she going to react when real problems arrive? That's worrisome.

If she's not ready to talk and solve marital problems like an adult then she can go and live with her tinder boyfriend, maybe they deserve each other.

I don't know. I got married when I was 23 and I wasn't this obsessive, controlling, or dramatic.

I feel bad for you.
 
1 - 20 of 55 Posts
Top