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I am NOT excusing his behavior.
I would divorce him.

Who needs this hassle and drama?

You married a broken down jalopy.
You want it to get going?
You insert the rusty handle, give it a spin, and pray it gets going.

The kind of antique car that only starts with a mind wrenching crank.

Yep, he is needy of being cranky.
 
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But maybe it’s all me after reading someone’s response that I should do it myself!
Ignore those kinds of posts. There's always going to be some responses from the he-man woman haters club that say the wife is to blame for everything and men shouldn't have to do anything at all for anyone but themselves. It's just for attention, blow it off.
 

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Discussion Starter · #23 ·
Part of his problem may be him having thin skin.
This is that long-term, and imprinted reflex/response.
He brought that old baggage in with him

His former wife may have been a nag.
His response to her nagging was to shut down and do the minimum asked.

He has given up on fully cooperating.

Yes, that old dog, not willing to learn, or do ANYTHING.

To him, your asking most anything, even something reasonable is seen as that micro-managing to him.

As we age, we lose a lot of patience for others and their needs.
Many get cranky and rebellious in their old age.

He sounds fixed-in-place, and set in his ways.

Think about it.....
It takes energy to be patient.
Energy to do anything, even think clearly.

It takes a certain energy level and mindset to be generous, kind, and attentive.
Aging is often anathema to these mental states..

The old body is tired and achy all the time.

Men lose muscle tone, lose testosterone and its effect on drive and endurance.
Every move is a chore.

They do not want to do anything, that seems.....extra.

Ugh.

This is real.

Yes, women suffer from similar maladies and can become energy depleted, chair-bound and cranky filled.

I am a Martian and have Natural Immunity to much of this.

Uh, right.



Are Dee-
Thank you for your insight! And talk about micromanaging, he’s quite good at that!
 

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I talked to him. I asked how he proposed we deal with this. He asked me the same. I told him I wasn’t sure. I guess we’ll have to sell the condo, the boat, our rv and get a lawyer. We rehashed the incident over the trash, how I thought it could be easily resolved even if I was aggravated. He said he was mad and decided to leave rather than fight with me. It seriously didn’t have to be a fight but I obviously can’t show him I’m aggravated because he can’t just apologize and move on so he detaches and ignores me and does not talk or try to resolve anything. That is why I then got angry. He admits maybe he has a character flaw and can’t give me what I need. So I said I’d contact a lawyer and we’d go from there.
so here I am literally sick to my stomach. Im scared and feel like a loser and my husband doesn’t love me enough to actually try, to ever comfort me.
Im sorry, I just had to get it out!
I’m just guessing but I don’t think his reactions (or lack thereof) have anything to do with “not loving you.” Obviously, he has his side of the story too but if this is how life is going to be, then you’ll spend the rest of your days feeling the way you do now.

You didn’t do anything wrong, you believed him when he seemed in love and all in. Having said that, we all have flaws. But I just don’t think he cares to put anymore “work” into relationships. That doesn’t make him a bad person, it just means he’s not a good fit for you.
 

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Sorry to hear things are looking like ending but probably the best - for both of you.

Speaking for myself only but maybe some insight. As some of us get to the later stages of life we feel like the effort and work to make a romantic relationship "right" and the "work" is a never ending or done thing. It just seems to lead to more effort and work. I've become conflict avoidant. I walk away instead of discuss, debate, or make much effort to "resolve" what seems to me to be not all that important. No I'm not going to change. I'm very low maintenance. For me only someone who is also very low maintenance works. I'm no longer good at helping someone feel wanted, respected, heard, etc. Once upon a time I feel I was. Not any more. I'm only in it for the fun part. When things start tipping towards the "work" side, I'm pretty much done. I just don't have the desire or wherewithal to make a lot of effort trying to get back what once was as it just never seems to get there. Obviously I'm not good marriage material and if I'm hollow and weak to some fine, don't care. Personally I don't know why anyone over 55 would get married again. The legal stuff only seems to me to be messy.
 

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As I said in a earlier response he rather swept me off my feet! We had a great time together, laughed and spent quality time weekends together. I was thankful he wasn’t an angry or jealous man as was my ex. I agree with you that I shouldn’t say I’m done if I’m not, but at the time of total frustration, anger, hurt, I felt no need to continue this effortless attempt of getting more from him! But yes, at this point I don’t know what to do.
Sounds like things were better when you were boyfriend and girlfriend living in your own homes and you were taking out your own trash rather than how you are as a married couple trying to be roommates.

When you were in your own home did the trash just pile up for years or did it some how get taken out?

When he was in his own home was the trash piled up close to the ceiling or did it somehow get taken out there also?

Assuming neither of you were living in squalor prior to living together, perhaps you were better off as BF/GF in your own homes.

That’s not at all rare for people in their 60s.

Is there any reason that you need to live together permanently?
 

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When I heard "swept me off my feet" I figured thar meant love bombing.

I know this well.

My ex was exactly like that....love bombed but was a phony as they came. Anything of substance....anything beyond sports and the weather made him uncomfortable. It was super important to plaster a phony smile in your face and pretend.

But behind that was a controlling, nasty, passive aggressive guy who made nasty comments under his brearh and was always looking for ways to control things to make up for his inability to deal with anything. If I tried to address anything he'd become nasty, then go silent, then ultimately play dumb until I dropped it.

Sound familiar?

I divorced him. The next one is going to get what I got and what you got.

I never understood the feel like a loser part....we all decide what we can and can't live with.

Next time beware of love bombing. I'm super sensitive to thar now and my bf of 3 1/2 years doesn't do it.
 

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How do I best say this?

As a man, married twice, and I have a female friend in a failing marriage with circumstances not unlike yours.

Here is my read. He's fine. All of the concerns you have raised? Those are yours. You believe they should be his as well. He does not.

My female friend with the failing marriage, tells me that she has huge issues with how he interacts with her, or I should say, doesn't interact with her. She will express what she sees as a problem that needs to be addressed or that she feels no attempt on his part to make a connection ever, and he will respond with, "I don't know what you want me to say? I'm doing the best I can."

I told her, and I'll tell you, but upon reading your latest update it looks like it has become self evident. He IS telling you the truth. You just don't like the truth. My friends husband and yours? They DO NOT possess the emotional toolkit to give you what you are asking for, or relate to you in the manner you desire.
 

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.......He always closes down when I want to talk about an issue.

.......I got annoyed that when it’s trash day he frequently takes it out but doesn’t take any of the inside trash out.

....... It was garbage day so I thought he’d get the garbage as I’d reminded him about the kitchen.The problem becomes more about him clamming up, getting defensive, not talking to me, no attempt for resolution. He’s never understanding or sensitive towards me or comforting. I’m tired of feeling alone and unsupported. I know I’m not perfect but at this point I just don’t know how to continue. I ended up saying “I’m done”.This was last night and nothing else has been said. He slept in the other room. I just feel hopeless, alone and afraid. He’s just so disconnected emotionally, defensive and the silent treatment hurts more than an argument to me. What do I do?
If only partially taking out the garbage is the biggest problem in your marriage, your glass is pretty full and count your blessings. I sense this is really a "power struggle" or dominance issue between the two of you.

If complete garbage removal something you want to end your marriage over?

If it is really that important to you, then swap him a chore and you do the garbage the way you want it. My wife use to complain about my not cooking or not doing the laundry. So I did the laundry, but she doesn't like how I do the laundry and will criticize me because of the way I do it. If I don't do it the way she wants it done, it is never good enough. The same thing with cooking. In cooking, I cook by taste not by sticking to detailed recipes. Our solution is I do my laundry, she does hers and we share some. As to cooking, I mostly become her su chief and chop and stir, except for those nights where I am in charge of dinner and she stays out of the kitchen until it is over.

One of the most important lessons in marriage, is that you can't change your partner to do things you want them done. Only your partner can change themself and then only if they want to.

You have tried to get him to change. He doesn't want to for whatever reason, so stop trying to force him to change. Your choice is to accept the way he does it or trade with him some other choir by mutual agreement and then you do the garbage the way you like it done.

This again really sounds like a much bigger issue than just the garbage.
 

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Emotionally you two aren’t a good match. He doesn’t intend to resolve conflict - he intends to avoid it… especially after creating that conflict himself.

this type of person is sneaky about being mean- but that’s what it is…mean.
 

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I’m 65. My husband and I have been married almost 5 years after my 30 years prior and his 35 years prior. We dated almost 1.5 years and lived separately because we were an hour apart. He really swept me off my feet! But it’s not been an easy 5 years. He always closes down when I want to talk about an issue. I get the silent treatment which infuriates me. He’s not an angry or jealous man which I’m grateful for as was my ex. He’s very talkative and silly which is good but sometimes excessive. He’s sometimes a mr know it all and insensitive to others including his kids and me.
I got annoyed that when it’s trash day he frequently takes it out but doesn’t take any of the inside trash out. I reminded him of it and asked that he get the kitchen as I was in the middle of a project. Later I find it still there. I was annoyed and took it out myself saying. I got it! I return and he’s gone upstairs. He works and I’m alone all day so we usually relax together in the evenings. I texted him and said yes I was annoyed but it wasn’t that big a deal. It doesn’t have to wreck the whole night. He eventually comes down and says nothing. I finally say, how can we avoid this in the future? Hoping we can just talk. He says you can ask yourself that. I don’t have to deal with that kind of talk. I was aggravated but had said very little and hadn’t yelled which I reminded him of. It was garbage day so I thought he’d get the garbage as I’d reminded him about the kitchen.The problem becomes more about him clamming up, getting defensive, not talking to me, no attempt for resolution. He’s never understanding or sensitive towards me or comforting. I’m tired of feeling alone and unsupported. I know I’m not perfect but at this point I just don’t know how to continue. I ended up saying “I’m done”.This was last night and nothing else has been said. He slept in the other room. I just feel hopeless, alone and afraid. He’s just so disconnected emotionally, defensive and the silent treatment hurts more than an argument to me. What do I do?
You just described my husband! He is so similar, not able to take criticism or apologize. I am 47 and sometimes I think of divorce. He is 51 and I am afraid the situation can only get worse later between us.
I really agree with one of the answer that sad he just doesn't possess the emotional toolkit to behave the way you want him to behave. Mine doesn't either. Every time I express that I am hurt and try to discuss an issue I had with his behaviour he gets very defensive and the whole thing results in a big row. I just mention a little thing that hurt me. He could just say sorry and promise he will try to act differently. But he makes a big row that results in me withdrawing and crying.
I don't really know what to do. I am of course trying to change the way I react, become less sensitive to his insensitive reactions. No success so far.
I understand he just doesn't have that sensitivity, the emotional toolkit in him, that I need. Can anyone recommend ways to go on and fix this relationship? Just adding, he never wanted to try counseling with me unfortunately. He is a Christian, solves his problems with praying.
 

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He’s never understanding or sensitive towards me or comforting.
You knew this about him when you married him and yet you married him anyway because he swept you off your feet. You were so happy to have someone who didn't exhibit the traits of your ex that you overlooked his flaws so now, here you are. We all have characteristics that annoy others. Part of dating is to discover those characteristics and decide if you can live with them or not. You screwed up when you married him. He's not going to change and you know it. So now, you have to decide whether you can live with him as he is or not. If so, learn to deal with it. If not, divorce him.
 

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When he was in his own home was the trash piled up close to the ceiling or did it somehow get taken out there also?
Actually, I'd be willing to bet it likely wasn't piled up to the ceiling in Mr. Wonderful's house. And that's probably because Mr. Wonderful was spending more of his time at HER house getting most of his meals prepared for him - and provided by - the OP. So he likely wasn't MAKING much garbage, and certainly not enough to reach the ceiling. Easy to do when you're not cooking and doing things in the kitchen.

Let's not pretend this ignorant man-baby the OP married is too damned good to do ONE thing around the house he ALSO lives in!
 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
You just described my husband! He is so similar, not able to take criticism or apologize. I am 47 and sometimes I think of divorce. He is 51 and I am afraid the situation can only get worse later between us.
I really agree with one of the answer that sad he just doesn't possess the emotional toolkit to behave the way you want him to behave. Mine doesn't either. Every time I express that I am hurt and try to discuss an issue I had with his behaviour he gets very defensive and the whole thing results in a big row. I just mention a little thing that hurt me. He could just say sorry and promise he will try to act differently. But he makes a big row that results in me withdrawing and crying.
I don't really know what to do. I am of course trying to change the way I react, become less sensitive to his insensitive reactions. No success so far.
I understand he just doesn't have that sensitivity, the emotional toolkit in him, that I need. Can anyone recommend ways to go on and fix this relationship? Just adding, he never wanted to try counseling with me unfortunately. He is a Christian, solves his problems with praying.
I’m so sorry! It’s nice that he’s a Christian. Do you guys pray together? Hopefully God will convict him and show him how to be a good loving husband. Stonewalling is a very difficult and hurtful attitude. I actually shared information I found on that and passive aggressive behaviors with my husband. I don’t think they really understand
You just described my husband! He is so similar, not able to take criticism or apologize. I am 47 and sometimes I think of divorce. He is 51 and I am afraid the situation can only get worse later between us.
I really agree with one of the answer that sad he just doesn't possess the emotional toolkit to behave the way you want him to behave. Mine doesn't either. Every time I express that I am hurt and try to discuss an issue I had with his behaviour he gets very defensive and the whole thing results in a big row. I just mention a little thing that hurt me. He could just say sorry and promise he will try to act differently. But he makes a big row that results in me withdrawing and crying.
I don't really know what to do. I am of course trying to change the way I react, become less sensitive to his insensitive reactions. No success so far.
I understand he just doesn't have that sensitivity, the emotional toolkit in him, that I need. Can anyone recommend ways to go on and fix this relationship? Just adding, he never wanted to try counseling with me unfortunately. He is a Christian, solves his problems with praying.
You just described my husband! He is so similar, not able to take criticism or apologize. I am 47 and sometimes I think of divorce. He is 51 and I am afraid the situation can only get worse later between us.
I really agree with one of the answer that sad he just doesn't possess the emotional toolkit to behave the way you want him to behave. Mine doesn't either. Every time I express that I am hurt and try to discuss an issue I had with his behaviour he gets very defensive and the whole thing results in a big row. I just mention a little thing that hurt me. He could just say sorry and promise he will try to act differently. But he makes a big row that results in me withdrawing and crying.
I don't really know what to do. I am of course trying to change the way I react, become less sensitive to his insensitive reactions. No success so far.
I understand he just doesn't have that sensitivity, the emotional toolkit in him, that I need. Can anyone recommend ways to go on and fix this relationship? Just adding, he never wanted to try counseling with me unfortunately. He is a Christian, solves his problems with praying.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this too! Do you guys pray together? Someone mentioned passive aggressive behavior. I looked it up along with stonewalling. It is exactly what I’m dealing with. He had asked me if we could talk. I shared this information with him because if we’re to get better, we both need to understand this and work at it. It’s eye opening. At first I so appreciated that he wasn’t argumentative and jealous. I just didn’t realize what was really going on. We didn’t live together and we spent long weekends together with a lot of quality time. I know no one is perfect. I know I’m not. I’ve never known anyone that gave you the silent treatment (stonewalling). It’s helpful to understand this so you can deal with it or at least see if you’re both willing to. Maybe God will convict him and help him be a more loving husband that can communicate better. Good luck!
 

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Well I was aggravated about the trash. I mean it’s trash day! I was annoyed since I reminded him but it wasn’t a fight, I wasn’t yelling but yes, he knew I was annoyed. Am I not permitted to ever get annoyed??? But it’s what happened after that brought me to total frustration. And to telling him I’m done! I’m so tired of this lack of communication and compassion and no attempt for resolution. We’ve had some counseling via BetterHelp so not in person and typically not together and usually it’s just me. His detachment may be the reason for his first marriage failing. 5 children, he worked a lot and she ended up depressed, on meds, drinking, violent outbursts and affairs. No excuse for her, she left her children except for the youngest who she pretty much kidnapped and hasn’t been seen for nearly 8 years. He tried connecting with him in the beginning but nothing since. His oldest daughter has cut off communication with him and it appears most of the other siblings. His oldest son deals with anxiety and recently very depressed . He wanted to tell him to pull his big boy pants up and knock it off. I was able to console his son and encouraged my husband to show more compassion at a difficult time.
How do I proceed? I know I made the finalized statements. Out of frustration, anger, hurt! I take it he’ll say nothing. And if he lets me go, I go. Which he will because he doesn’t seem to care. I guess I was hurtful. I hate him sometimes or the lack of passion and connection. I’m feeling pretty hopeless. Thx for your response and understanding.
Read up n Narcissim. your H is exhibiting some of the traits and the symptoms in the family sounds like trauma bonds. They sweep yiu off your feet in the beginning but it wears of within 6 months. The silent treatments are a form of control. The ex wife disappeared went no contact, sounds like there’s a lot more to this story.
 

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Discussion Starter · #39 ·
Thank you for your response. I have heard other comments about narcissism as well as passive aggressive and stonewalling which I shared with him so he could know from a professional standpoint what he’s doing and how it’s affecting me and our relationship. Since he said he didn’t want a divorce, I think it’s important to work on these issues and communication. I don’t expect perfection. I expect working together. I’m not perfect, no one is. I just have a very hard time with the silent treatment. Thank you.
 
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