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I am new to this forum, but I have an issue. I am married for about two and a half years, have been together for around five and a half. I have one daughter about to turn two, and another daughter on the way. For about a year now, my wife has been telling me she is going to divorce me. Part of me thinks she’s bluffing, but she said she is going to do it next year. Some background is in order: we met on-line about five years ago, and she moved out to California (where I am from) to be with me (she was finishing up grad school). The financial crisis hit and we were sort of stranded there. (She had quit her job right when the financial crisis happened, because she wasn’t satisfied in it). While “stranded”, I got her pregnant. So we moved out east to be with her family. The baby ended up being stillborn. I don’t know if we ever got over it, but my wife says that my “emotional distance” during that time caused a rift in our relationship that has never been healed.

Nevertheless, we got married, and had another child. In the meantime, I had found a white collar job and got my wife employed in the same place after our first child was stillborn. When the second child came around, that is where our problems started. She started to work from home part-time and take care of the baby. I understand the strain that has caused her, but her consistent accusation is that I don’t do enough to help around the house, that I am lazy, I don’t take good care of the baby, etc. She handles the bills, plans the shopping, the menus for the week, etc. Now, I have to say, we are both natural introverts. I don’t have any friends, and neither does she, really. We are the only adults in each other’s daily lives, except for her family, and even they aren’t there more than a couple of times a week at most. I also adjusted my schedule so that she can work part time from home and do her other business she needs to do. As it stands now, I am at work at five in the morning (up by 3:30 am usually) and am home to put the baby down for her afternoon nap.

In spite of my wife’s doubts about me, she nevertheless wanted another child, and so we are having one. Not only that, but only five months ago, we bought a house together, with considerable help from her father. We also got another car (we only had one to that point). I am also her only physical presence in our workplace as she works from home. I handle her mail, finish her cases, handle her emergencies, etc. Basically, any outsider would determine that we are joined at the hip way more than most couples. And now she is talking about divorcing me, with the money tight, a baby on the way, a mortgage, a somewhat unsupportive family etc. My question is: is this woman in her right mind? Am I being used as a sperm donor so she can have her kids and move on? And what does anyone think I can expect from here?

If asked the cause of the tensions in our relationship, it is definitely due to disposition. My wife and I are similar in many ways, but often diametrically opposed. I am very laid back, very forgiving, hard-working, but not obsessive. You can say I am from the Latin culture. My wife, on the other hand, was raised to be an over-achiever, she sweats every detail, and obsesses over things that I just brush off. Maybe this was a recipe for a marriage made in Hell, but at this point, I am more than willing to stay together for the kids. I don’t want a divorce. I love her, though it’s hard because she makes it virtually impossible to talk to her without her complaining and insulting me, often in pretty cruel ways. To be clear, I never so much as raise my voice at her, I don’t criticize her, and so on. Maybe I am being a chump. But she is starting to cuss me out in front of my two year old, and I don’t feel comfortable with that. I came from an abusive, broken home, and I want my kids (one of whom isn’t even born yet) to have their mother and father. But I am beginning to think that my wife is doing her darndest to make me walk away (up to saying she is going to divorce me), but I am simply not going to budge. My wife has admitted to having a “martyr complex” in which she wants to see those who love her suffer because it makes her feel better about herself on some level.

I should also say that I have brought up counseling before, but she just brushed it off saying that nothing can be done and she has made up her mind.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. She seems to think that I am so much of a burden that she will just raise our two daughters on her own, in spite of me being the primary breadwinner, her primary alternate caretaker (as I said, I live for my kids and don’t have any life so to speak), her only real adult companion, and that I cover for her at our job. I just want to know what people think, as I have tried to be as objective as possible in presenting my situation. I thank you in advance for your replies.
 

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Time to sit your wife down and tell her that you want your marriage to work, and that you take her statements that she wants a divorce very seriously. Tell her that you want your marriage to work, but that you realize that she wouldn't say that she wants a divorce unless there were things in the marriage that can be strengthened. Ask her to go to counseling with you. Another thing you might do is read His Needs, Her Needs with your wife and then talk about whether you are each meeting each others needs.
 

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Does anyone think I am being emotionally abused by my wife?
I think you and your wife have both been through a tremendous amount of strain -- a still born child, another child, trying for another child, a new house, a demanding work schedule for you.

I believe that you are overwhelmed and that when people are overwhelmed they sometimes lash out -- not to manipulate but because they are hurting and need help. Is your wife being kind to you - no. But is she a manipulative and abusive woman? I wouldn't say so, without giving her a chance to work through the emotional turmoil that she has been through.
 

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Regardless of whether your wife is abusing you, sh1t testing you, or is just a b1tch, the solutions are the same. Put on your big boy panties and put down some boundaries. Why in the world did you agree to buy a house with her and have another child when she's been saying she wants a divorce for a year?

C
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Discussion Starter #6
To be clear, when she got pregnant, I think things were on the mend a bit, as when we bought a house. It's been since she has been in the new house and pregnant tha she has she been more and more vocal about how lazy I am, how we are incompatible, etc. I should also say, re: emotionally abusive, that she has always been a bit mean like that: insulting my family, my ethnicity, how I look, etc. even after I tell her not to. I guess I have just learned to blow it off, but yeah, I do appreciate the assertion that I need to put on the "big boy panties". It's just hard to do that with a nine month old pregnant woman. But I guess I will have to stand up to her soon and call her bluff.
 

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I think if you feel emotionally abused, then you are. Why do you allow your wife to disrespect you? Also, good Mothers don't verbally abuse their husbands in front of their children. If she wants a divorce, start planning for it.
 

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av3 you and your wife are under so much stress right now. She is pregnant and has a toddler to take care of, it is alot of work. You are working a lot of hours too.
Hate to say this but really take a look at yourself. Is anything she saying true? Do you help with your child? Let me tell you just giving your wife an hour break will go a long way.
Prepare yourself I think your wife is going to go through a post partum depression.
Good luck!!
 

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my wife has been telling me she is going to divorce me. Part of me thinks she’s bluffing, but she said she is going to do it next year.

My wife has admitted to having a “martyr complex” in which she wants to see those who love her suffer because it makes her feel better about herself on some level.
The 2nd part is really the key to what you are going through. What's so magical about the 'next year' time frame? She could do that now. Its just long enough to keep you miserable for that time. If you want to see how far she is willing to take it just get the divorce papers and ask her to sign it.

Problem is you love her and want to make it work at all costs and she KNOWS it! So she has you right where she wants you. Such situations are generally common the other way around where the DH unhappy with his own life keeps threatening the DW with a D.... well until the DW can take it no longer and just leaves one fine day leaving the DH with lots of regret.

Since you don't want to leave i don't know what to tell you. I just feel one day you will get up tired of all the verbal beratement and leave for good ( like a walk away husband).
 

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hmm. i dont know. my wife verbally abuses me i kind of think she is cute. More names she calls me, the more i tell her how cute she is while she does it.
i actually do think she is cute to. when she flips out. it is pretty adorable.

oh yeah, divorce.
tell her if she wants one go file. her choice. see if she does. But tell her not to keep bringing it up. Either file or shut up already about it.
 
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