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Discussion Starter #1
My wife of 4 years and I have our second group counseling appointment tomorrow. We have no kids. I am 39, her 36.

We had our initial one, and then our 1 on 1s.

I know that in her 1 and 1 with the counselor, she said that she is ready to move on.

I doubt we will hit a major breakthrough tomorrow. I am guessing that it is just wrapping things up.

Having said that, my wife said that she wants to work together to finalize things, without lawyers. We own a house that I cannot afford on my own, and she needs to look for a place, so we may be together for a month or two. Hopefully not too long.

I would still like to try and work this out (she gave me the 'i love you, but not in love with you')

Given these things, how should I act while we are essentially roommates? I assume at least polite so that she doesn't change her mind about lawyers. But what about wooing her back?

Thank you
 

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She's already checked out. I would be more concerned with working on yourself at this point.

What are the reasons she said she doesn't love you? Do you have an anger issue, are you verbally abusive?

Whatever the reasons, get help to fix them so when you get involved with someone else down the road, you'll be a better person and have a better chance at a happy marriage

For now, be as pleasant as possible with your soon to be ex. If you can do this without lawyers you'll save a ton of money
 

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I agree to being as pleasant as possible and do everything possible to make this easy on both of you. Work though the issues that you have, continue 1 on 1 cousling to help you cope through the process.

As far as doing it without lawyers....yes it will save you money, but depending on your situation it might be good to have one. As you work through the process....you might want to talk to one. Most give free consult. I am not just saying this guy to guy.....if she was on here asking, I would say the same thing to her.
 

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She's already checked out. I would be more concerned with working on yourself at this point.

What are the reasons she said she doesn't love you? Do you have an anger issue, are you verbally abusive?

Whatever the reasons, get help to fix them so when you get involved with someone else down the road, you'll be a better person and have a better chance at a happy marriage

For now, be as pleasant as possible with your soon to be ex. If you can do this without lawyers you'll save a ton of money
I'm not verbally abusive. We have our occasional yelling fights, but nothing like that. We haven't had intimacy in about 6-9 months and have had a lot of stress in our marriage from changing jobs and moving a lot.

I am trying to be pleasant. She is being cold but polite. But she does things that I just don't get. Like I grilled, and she wouldn't eat it -- and then made pasta 30 minutes later.

Little stuff like that.

Another weird thing is that she has not talked to any of her friends about it. The only sounding board she's using, according to her, is a divorced coworker. Not even talking to her friend of 15 years, who was her 'best man' at the wedding. And he's a psychologist.

It feels like 3 weeks ago I was asking her to talk to jumpstart working on our marriage. Now all of a sudden she's on a bullettrain out.
 

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She's already checked out. I would be more concerned with working on yourself at this point.

What are the reasons she said she doesn't love you? Do you have an anger issue, are you verbally abusive?

Whatever the reasons, get help to fix them so when you get involved with someone else down the road, you'll be a better person and have a better chance at a happy marriage

For now, be as pleasant as possible with your soon to be ex. If you can do this without lawyers you'll save a ton of money
To answer your question directly, by the way (because I rambled)

Reasons Why:

- She has changed as a person
- We would be better with other people
- I feel alone
 

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I agree with both points.

This is why I feel so 'cheated'. She is not listening or talking to anyone that could help her pause, take a breath, and think about this. She's been solitary and traveling (for work) since we had the talk.

Our group counseling meeting is today. I think it will just be a formality at this point. I can't believe how she's acting. It's like a switch flipped the minute I began the conversation 3 weeks ago by saying "It seems like we're separate islands lately, can we talk?"
 

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Yes, odd that she is not talking with trusted family or friends almost like she's hiding something she doesn't want them to know.

Her reasons for wanting out ring a bit hollow after only 4 yrs. How long did you date? What is the real reason of no sex for 6-9 mos.? Moving, job changes & stress do not cut it.

I apologize for being suspicious. I have been married for 4 yrs. now. If my husband was acting like your wife is I would go all Magnum PI over the situation.

Oh, I hate the line "We would be better with other people" so patronizing.
 

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I agree with Emerald, your story sounds very suspicious. What event happened at the time intimacy stopped? Have you done any investigating to see if she is having any contact with another male? Checked her phone records or computer history?
 
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Yes, odd that she is not talking with trusted family or friends almost like she's hiding something she doesn't want them to know.

Her reasons for wanting out ring a bit hollow after only 4 yrs. How long did you date? What is the real reason of no sex for 6-9 mos.? Moving, job changes & stress do not cut it.

I apologize for being suspicious. I have been married for 4 yrs. now. If my husband was acting like your wife is I would go all Magnum PI over the situation.

Oh, I hate the line "We would be better with other people" so patronizing.
You articulated the way I feel.

I went Magnum PI and couldn't find any evidence. One thing that could be happening is that she has her sights on someone, but hasn't acted on it yet. I am not sure.

We went to counseling and the counseler pointed out the stress, etc, that I mentioned. I don't think it cuts it either. She never sat down with me to have a conversation about it anytime recently. It was me that tried.
 

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I agree with Emerald, your story sounds very suspicious. What event happened at the time intimacy stopped? Have you done any investigating to see if she is having any contact with another male? Checked her phone records or computer history?
Yes, there's nothing. Much of it is on my end. I stopped trying for a variety of reasons. Resentment, being sad, her and I not being on the same page as to when we 'wanted it.', her feeling self conscious because of weight gain.

By the way, shes lost 15 lbs in the last 2 months. She looks amazing. Never did that during our marriage. Probably prepping for being single.
 

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Yes, there's nothing. Much of it is on my end. I stopped trying for a variety of reasons. Resentment, being sad, her and I not being on the same page as to when we 'wanted it.', her feeling self conscious because of weight gain.

By the way, shes lost 15 lbs in the last 2 months. She looks amazing. Never did that during our marriage. Probably prepping for being single.
Then would you say; You both built up resentment that each of you were not getting your needs meet and you both gave up trying? Now that she decided to move on, you are motivated to try again?
 

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Then would you say; You both built up resentment that each of you were not getting your needs meet and you both gave up trying? Now that she decided to move on, you are motivated to try again?
Not neccessarily.

During the summer, maybe 6 weeks the above was true.

But then I realized my priorities and woke up. For about a month I began trying to re-engage.

I tried to plan a vacation.

I tried to talk to her about it.

She pushed me off for about 3 weeks and right after, the talk finally happened that triggered it all.
 

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OK, then you didn't know she gave up and she decided to move on and you were still trying to reengage her.

I agree that if there isn't someone else, she is actively testing the waters and out looking for someone to replace you. Still, stay alert there may be someone in the picture and you've been in the dark about it.

In the absence of an OM, I believe you only have one way to react at this time. You need to work on you and prepare to be a better man with whatever the future brings. Are you familiar with 180 List This will help you deal with your emotions and she will see that you are disengaging. This will have a side effect that she will no longer see you as clingy and may turn her head, but that should not be your goal. Your goal should be to learn that you can be happy with yourself and you don't need her or anyone else to make you a whole person. You may wan to read and familiarize yourself with some of the divorce books by Michele Weiner-Davis. Divorce Busting®
 
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Okay although this divorced co-worker could be putting ideas in her head. I don't think discussing marital problems with co-workers if ever a good idea.
When it came to arguments at home, one of the biggest obstacles I've had in over 20 years married to resolving marital conflicts has been the lousy advice of her girl friends. I personally never ask work friends for martial advice because I think it's not only bad form but a source of bad advice. I'll ask my parents or someone close enough that actually loves and cares about both of us. If none are available, I'll rely on an expert.

Ladies please take note - your gossipy neurotic female friends at work are just as bad at giving advice as our male dimwitted beer swilling football friends are. :p
 

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OK, then you didn't know she gave up and she decided to move on and you were still trying to reengage her.

I agree that if there isn't someone else, she is actively testing the waters and out looking for someone to replace you. Still, stay alert there may be someone in the picture and you've been in the dark about it.

In the absence of an OM, I believe you only have one way to react at this time. You need to work on you and prepare to be a better man with whatever the future brings. Are you familiar with 180 List This will help you deal with your emotions and she will see that you are disengaging. This will have a side effect that she will no longer see you as clingy and may turn her head, but that should not be your goal. Your goal should be to learn that you can be happy with yourself and you don't need her or anyone else to make you a whole person. You may wan to read and familiarize yourself with some of the divorce books by Michele Weiner-Davis. Divorce Busting®
Thank you so much for your advice and understanding. The 180 list seems informative for moving on. In this case, however, it does not seem like it would have a chance of changing her mind in this situation. Do you agree?
 
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