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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My divorce happened quickly. Three months of separation, a month later, I'm divorced.

Why did it happen? Prior to being married I was in the military for sixteen years, constantly deployed. Lets just say your only sexual stimulation comes from the computer unless you want a disease. It followed me to my marriage and manifested itself. It was never a physical cheating, but it was finally caught, with a warning from my wife.. don't do it again. I did, eight years later. I admitted I had a problem, and got into therapy, and attended meetings... but not enough to save my marriage. Thirteen years of marriage done, with kids to try and save too.

I lost the love of my life, tried to press on. My nightmare was her meeting someone else and moving on, leaving me in the dust. For about three months I saw my kids and rarely saw her. I'm in a city where she has family and I've got an aunt who understands very little about my life. I struggle financially and am looking for a better job, where she has a career and makes good money.

Suddenly I am back home, with her and the kids. At this point I'm living in an apartment, but find myself with her more and more. My therapist tells me if this is what I want, roll with it and see where it goes. I'm getting better emotionally. I'm feeling some hope. We are sleeping with each other, I'm doing things I dreamed of with her, the computer screen a distant past. I explained to her that visual stimulation disgusts me now because it caused me to lose her.

Then it all died. A family get together one weekend and then I'm told we can't see each other anymore, we'll never be together, and stop caring about me. Unless its about the kids, don't talk to me.

I still love her, and she will always in my eyes be my friend. Its very hard to not be angry, buy this is my doing, I did this. I just feel we never gave it a chance.

Why is this so confusing?
 

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You still love her doesn’t count. I love her so she must love me too. Nope. That’s not how it works.
If you chase they will move farther away. The worst thing you can do is become a pest.
Sorry but you need to concentrate on you and your kids. Believe what she’s told you. Cut off the contact.
If not you will linger on hopium. That won’t get you a thing.
If you dont save yourself you won’t be of any value to anyone.
There is no magic. Stop looking for it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I learned very early that hanging on would make me look foolish. I met people who continued to hang on and they looked weak in my eyes. At times I could see that could happen to me and I walked myself back.

I think the intensity of our relationship after the divorce would've somehow created that magic you speak of. When it didn't, I was disappointed. Mentally I had prepared myself early that it was over, so when this happened, I was already making progress to a finality, but it still was a disappointment.

Reading the posts here has strengthened my resolve to make a better life for me and my kids. A new career path awaits me, and I have interests that I truly want to pursue. I'm interested in a focus on meeting new people with like was interests too. Light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

I was on the fence writing the OP. Not sure what I was hearing, and wanting an out side assessment. Our own love can sometimes fog that up, and it was nice to just pose the predicament and see what I might not be seeing.

If anything, I was blessed to be able to share some intimacy with her that she deserved. I'm okay with the finality of it now.
 

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I learned very early that hanging on would make me look foolish. I met people who continued to hang on and they looked weak in my eyes. At times I could see that could happen to me and I walked myself back.

I think the intensity of our relationship after the divorce would've somehow created that magic you speak of. When it didn't, I was disappointed. Mentally I had prepared myself early that it was over, so when this happened, I was already making progress to a finality, but it still was a disappointment.

Reading the posts here has strengthened my resolve to make a better life for me and my kids. A new career path awaits me, and I have interests that I truly want to pursue. I'm interested in a focus on meeting new people with like was interests too. Light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

I was on the fence writing the OP. Not sure what I was hearing, and wanting an out side assessment. Our own love can sometimes fog that up, and it was nice to just pose the predicament and see what I might not be seeing.

If anything, I was blessed to be able to share some intimacy with her that she deserved. I'm okay with the finality of it now.
Now you can focus on you. You’ll be surprised at how much you can accomplish with your life.
It took me 7 long years to get through college. I was 30 when I finally graduated. It was a hard struggle
but looking back it was the best thing I could’ve done. I had a decent job and had to go to class when I wasn’t working. I took a 40% pay cut to get started but after 3 years I not only made it back but surpassed it by @3 times what I was making.
My career really took off because I knew more than most. Life experience is a great thing.
Life isn’t necessarily fair. It’s how you handle that unfairness.
 

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My advice is give your x what she asked for. You can’t move on fully unless you cut contact.
Text or email kids only. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t.
if you don’t you’ll just linger. That won’t get you a thing.
Fix and improve yourself for you and your future. Your kids will benefit from it.
 

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I think she thought she could forgive but learned she couldn’t. Or maybe her resolve was weakened by slipping back into the fantasy of what she thought your marriage was. She likely realized that was never real and the marriage was a lie and came to the final realization she couldn’t get over it. At least you have closure.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I think she thought she could forgive but learned she couldn’t. Or maybe her resolve was weakened by slipping back into the fantasy of what she thought your marriage was. She likely realized that was never real and the marriage was a lie and came to the final realization she couldn’t get over it. At least you have closure.
I think THIS is exactly what happened to her. She suffers from depression and when we were "back together" her depression came back hard. She told me that was a sign to her that what we were doing was wrong. Input from her family didn't help as they were in no mood to forgive me... they told her it would take years, and would never fully recover.

Recovery from this I know will take time. My moods change like the wind. I'm no longer in despair, and I feel more positive than I have in a while, its the guilt that keeps haunting me, that and the loss of someone I loved very much... it feels a bit like a death.

Marc878 has a common post theme about words and actions... it's time for me to do and make my own road.
 

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I think THIS is exactly what happened to her. She suffers from depression and when we were "back together" her depression came back hard. She told me that was a sign to her that what we were doing was wrong. Input from her family didn't help as they were in no mood to forgive me... they told her it would take years, and would never fully recover.

Recovery from this I know will take time. My moods change like the wind. I'm no longer in despair, and I feel more positive than I have in a while, its the guilt that keeps haunting me, that and the loss of someone I loved very much... it feels a bit like a death.

Marc878 has a common post theme about words and actions... it's time for me to do and make my own road.
You can’t think about two things at once. It’s the perfect time to focus on yourself.
Sit down and figure out what you want. Then plan on how you get there. Don’t take short cuts or veer off your goal. It won’t be easy and it will be long hard work. Anything worthwhile usually is.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I guess more info is a good thing... Adds perspective.

Here goes.... because there are two sides to every coin.

As I mentioned, my ex suffers from depression. She just divulged to me recently that while I was supporting her through her many diets (She is over-weight, but I loved her no matter how she felt about herself).. trying to eat the things she needed for her diet, she was secretly eating the food she wasn't supposed to.

During severe depressive episodes, she would blow off work... one time for almost two months. During these episodes she would frequently tell little white lies to her friends and family about not making it to get togethers or spending time with them...depression in her case makes her not want to see anyone.

My ex tends to quit before **** hits the fan. She's left numerous jobs because her depression almost catches up to her.. and she finds something better.

I've taken care of the kids.. the house (not to her satisfaction) (She is OCD...The plant could be off center on the kitchen table and it would bother her.).. I'm organizationally challenged when it comes to the house.. and I get it with both barrels. I have some college, but I was a home dad.. so as the sole supporter, I am sure there are hard feelings there.

Her libido is much higher than mine... until our interlude after our divorce...Therapy helped with that.

My therapist is exploring the possibility that this addiction I have may be an anxiety disorder. She wants me to participate in a study that tracks my phone and computer and undergo some testing because she feels at this point I should have at least had a relapse and I haven't looked at anything since we separated.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
As for my plans... I've always had a knack for the law. I've decided to enroll in college to become a paralegal and get a certification in Legal Investigation. I just recently became a member of the American Legion, and I'm working on getting certified as a shooting instructor...

And I'm having the time of my life with my kids... seeing them grow and watching them mature.
 

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So you were a stay at home dad with with a porn addiction and didn’t give her any D for long periods of time? Yeah, that is a recipe for disaster.

So out all those things in your past and you’ll be ok. Don’t do the porn thing.keep s steady job…..
 
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