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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Last month I started the thread "My husband has a best female friend" and I would like to share my perspective on going for divorce because of a friendship without evidence of sexual cheating.
Is it too much? We have been married for nine months and last month I started consulting for a divorce in the religious court. I know how it goes in the civil court and it is expedite in my country.
My husband talks about this female friend often and they have frequent coffee meet-ups by themselves, never including myself or the woman's husband, who seems to play the cool-headed guy either because he is blind or because he loves her so much.
The woman is nine months pregnant (yes, her pregnancy occurred on a date close to my wedding day) and maybe my husband is in a silent crisis because of this. Is she his lover? Is he in limerence with her and grieving the new chapter in her life? Is the baby his (I doubt this because he has a fertility problem, but anything could happen)?
I was once married and believed I was never cheated on just because I never had an "evidence". Today I know I was cheated on because he even told me, I just didn't want to take him seriously. My point today is: I feel cheated on even if there is no evidence.
My current husband and this friend text a lot and have a separate life of their own. My husband talks about her even first thing in the morning, such as saying that he dreamt about her and that he wouldn't like to go somewhere lest she wouldn't like it. This is preposterous, yet it took me nine months to start birth control.
I started reading Not just friends and saw it is not for me because my marriage never was. I was defrauded into marrying. That book is for couples that loved each other and then got married. In my case, the man seems to have always loved the friend and just settled for me, even though he had the hard work to pursue me, reassure myself of his interest and so on. And I felt for it, even though something in my gut told me to leave a foot behind. Also, he was never really into sex with me. Now he has improved his sex skills as never before in the entire relationship and see this as despair. I see this as manipulation.
Well, I am trying to be on my feet to go for a second divorce. I wasn't discerning and maybe I should be on my own (for life, maybe).
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Your marriage was based on a lie. Leave. Heal. And live your best life.
Thank you, snowbum. It is so hard to come to this realization. It was all a lie covered up with flowers and a fancy ceremony. I never thought I would be one of those people who have expensive weddings because that is the best they know deep down they can do.
I take my share of guilt and even though I don't hate him for this, I know he was mean for going so far into convincing me he was in love. And even thought I was stupid, because he said those words so early. I didn't believe it, but willingly made a fool of myself.
 

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Thank you, snowbum. It is so hard to come to this realization. It was all a lie covered up with flowers and a fancy ceremony. I never thought I would be one of those people who have expensive weddings because that is the best they know deep down they can do.
I take my share of guilt and even though I don't hate him for this, I know he was mean for going so far into convincing me he was in love. And even thought I was stupid, because he said those words so early. I didn't believe it, but willingly made a fool of myself.
I'm sorry this happened to you. People get pulled into believing all sorts of things that we later wished we hadn't. We're all guilty of that.

But it's really good that you have decided to move on from this. Your husband made a terrible choice to chase a married woman to pursue and he will one day wish he had chosen differently.

Congratulations on your first steps toward happiness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
When it's all over and done with , your divorce. You may want to contact her husband, and let him know of your suspicions. He should DNA test the new child. Just because your husband has reproductive issues doesn't mean it's not his child.
Best of luck moving forward. Jimi
Thank you, Jimi007
I tried to give her husband some hints of how strange things were. The fact that She asked another man to go with her pick a baby stroller to "his" baby? I just gave hin a hint, saying I thought she might have had a health emergency before he (the husband) got home from work.
What did I reap from that?
Last week I saw this husband in a party of mutual friends and at some point he and his wife (the cheater) were making remarks about super insecure and jealous people out of the blue. I caught the hint, but as things are going this man will take years to wake up. He is so in love with her. And so is my husband. :/ Two silly men. Played out by someone of dubious character, manipulative.
 

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There are platonic friendships & then there is whatever your husband is doing. I have several male friends. I talk to them occasionally & never put them before my husband. They are not a threat to my marriage & every time I see them my husband is welcome. Many of them have become his friends too.

At the very least your husband & this woman are having an emotional affair. She comes 1st & you 2nd. It's best you leave him & you should be able to get a divorce on religious grounds because he lied about his level of commitment to you.

Do not get pregnant. Get out as soon as you can.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
There are platonic friendships & then there is whatever your husband is doing. I have several male friends. I talk to them occasionally & never put them before my husband. They are not a threat to my marriage & every time I see them my husband is welcome. Many of them have become his friends too.

At the very least your husband & this woman are having an emotional affair. She comes 1st & you 2nd. It's best you leave him & you should be able to get a divorce on religious grounds because he lied about his level of commitment to you.

Do not get pregnant. Get out as soon as you can.
He even chose her as his witness. Each spouse should have a couple of witnesses. Strange thing was him saying I shouldn't bother or contact her during the prep phase because she wouldn't like it. So odd, but a few months away from the wedding I didn't mind at the time. When the witnesses gifted us, my witnesses gifted me as a couple and her husband gave a separate gift. She didn't give anything (not to us, anyway).
 

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I was burned by the opposite sex friend thing myself. And their friendship wasn't nearly as deep as this one is. No matter what they say....they are 100% thinking about the sex part. They may never act on it, but it's in the back of their minds for sure. Any relationship, even one of the same sex, that is this dominant outside of the marriage, isn't good.

Let them have each other. You won't win this battle.

I'd be curious as to what your husband will say when you tell him, "Hey, so it's clear she's more important to you than I am, so I'm going to make this easy for you. I'm out. You can have her."
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I was burned by the opposite sex friend thing myself. And their friendship wasn't nearly as deep as this one is. No matter what they say....they are 100% thinking about the sex part. They may never act on it, but it's in the back of their minds for sure. Any relationship, even one of the same sex, that is this dominant outside of the marriage, isn't good.

Let them have each other. You won't win this battle.

I'd be curious as to what your husband will say when you tell him, "Hey, so it's clear she's more important to you than I am, so I'm going to make this easy for you. I'm out. You can have her."
If you don't feel uncomfortable, it would be nice to hear your story. So many people downplay the wreck of emotional affairs... I even started reading that "Not just friends" best-seller, but that book comes from the premise that marriages can be repaired no matter what and also it focuses on post-marriage affairs. In my situation, there were giant red flags I chose to ignore, but I forgive myself because I believed what I was told and that shows that some people believe in people. What the world would be if we didn't exist?
 

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I'd never date someone with a close opposite sex friend or someone with poor boundaries with the opposite sex.

I've heard it all: "You're controlling!" "You wouldn't act this way if he was a girl!" Lol. Damn right their sex matters and the woman that called me controlling was the most controlling woman I've ever met. "You're insecure! You don't trust me!"
Yeah I don't trust that behavior. And yes, that sort of behavior makes most intelligent adults insecure. It's basically abusive.

A lot of people wouldn't be ok with opposite sex friends. Work it into your dating conversations.
Hanging out one on one with an opposite sex friend is a date. Calling it something else, labeling them 'friend' - doesn't change anything. It's juvenile and generally points at some underlying issue like a personality disorder.

Make a male 'friend' just find some guy that wants to bang you and start hanging out with him. See how your husband enjoys that lol.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Make a male 'friend' just find some guy that wants to bang you and start hanging out with him. See how your husband enjoys that lol.
Funny thing is at first he said: You should have friends of your own!
I do have male friends, it is just that I never text them without asking about their partners and only if there is something practical to handle: let's grab a coffee all of us, come for a dinner, you two, how's that insurance company name? In my world there is not "let's have a coffee you and I every two weeks".
Anyway I told him first I would meet new friends. He said it wouldn't be "the same" as his case. Then I said I would resume my dates with male friends and he said that would be artificial and out of spite. Of course I was not negotiating, I was just making him see his own double standards and hipocrisy.
I don't want a marriage like that, I don't want to do things that are not in tune with whom I am and then end up as being portrayed as the adulteress myself - because this is how hipocrisy works.
 
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