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Discussion Starter #41
For the Record i didn't let my daughter see my rage outburst. What bothered me the most was because after i read "no more Mr. Nice Guy" It changed my life.
My ex asked me to buy a few things for my daughter and i Said that she could do It and then send me the Bill. She started to play the victim and that she didn't have the time (there's literally a Supermarket across the street from her job) and If i couldn't do It i could ask my mom. I Said no again because the fact is that our situation is between us and does not involve my parents. My mother went around me, bought everything and then left it at her place like some delivery service. What happens is saying that "no" to her was a pivot moment in my life because in all of my relationships that was the first time i put my foot down. I was feeling great until i heard what my mom did. That's what caused my outburst. When she did that she was showing that i had no authority, that my mom had Control over my life, that i was not a Man. At that moment i Felt like my dignity was taken away. After my wife broke our family she's been having Fun with a friend and the guy she was cheating on me. That "no", as meaningless as It can be to a lot of you, was all i had. It was a turning point in my behavior and as much as i ask she keeps letting my wife Take advantage of her to avoid responsabilities. I tried talking to her a lot of times but It is useless. I want to move away as soon as possible but can't afford it right now.
 

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Discussion Starter #42
Talked to my ex last Sunday and cleared the Air. She Said she left because i had no ambition or perspective in life. I always worked with my dad and got too laid back. To some degree she was right. I lived like that for years but after we moved to our own place i changed, got a job and was providing for my family with something i got for myself but when i left the job (Very toxic place) she Said she Saw a pattern repeating and gave up on us. I explained It was not the case and she knew i was suffering at that job (Lost 22 pounds in 1 month) and that i had gotten a job in a New place so i was not repeating any pattern. She Said she doesn't know If its possible to glue together what was broken. I sent a message to her saying i was going to block her and let my mom intermediate things for a while since my priority is with me and my daughter right now. There is still a chance there is another Guy but i didn't ask. It seems It is really over. I am trying to get my mind together but it's hard. Depression and anxiety are off the roof and i can't move.
I understand now that i was emotionally dependent of her in a Very high degree. I placed all her needs above Mine and didn't fought for anything. I feel so Sorry for my daughter and also Very guilty. I miss my family together, our home. I just wanted a Second chance to make things right now that i can see things clearly for the first time in my life. Maybe this whole situation is for the best. I just want this pain to Go away.
 

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Discussion Starter #43
A week later after i blocked her she called my mom and said she needed to talk to me and in the end it was about some little things just to make me unblock her then a little later she called me and said our daughter wanted to sleep with me (she is refusing to sleep without me around) and was having a meltdown. I said i was going to pick her up but she insisted to bring her to me. She came, we put our daughter in bed, she felt asleep, we left the bedroom and when it was time for my ex to go back to her house then she stared at me and we kissed. She said she didn´t want to live without me and that she loved me. We talked and had sex until it was 5 a.m. We had a perfect weekend, she was everything i wanted her to be, loving, caring and it felt like we had just started our relationship and the sex was amazing. Moving forward to tuesday she was all cold and distant again and said she wasn´t sure we could make it work, that she needed to see the changes happening, something concrete. Needless to say that pissed me off. I had decided to move forward and was doing well during the week until she came back, got me thinking this could be our second chance only to return to where we were before the end, the only difference is that we´re not living together. I wanted to just give up and tell her to go away for good but my therapist told me not to do it, that i should just focus on my job and leave her aside so i am currently trying to do that but it is hard because i still love her. I´m feeling used and confused.
 

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A week later after i blocked her she called my mom and said she needed to talk to me and in the end it was about some little things just to make me unblock her then a little later she called me and said our daughter wanted to sleep with me (she is refusing to sleep without me around) and was having a meltdown. I said i was going to pick her up but she insisted to bring her to me. She came, we put our daughter in bed, she felt asleep, we left the bedroom and when it was time for my ex to go back to her house then she stared at me and we kissed. She said she didn´t want to live without me and that she loved me. We talked and had sex until it was 5 a.m. We had a perfect weekend, she was everything i wanted her to be, loving, caring and it felt like we had just started our relationship and the sex was amazing. Moving forward to tuesday she was all cold and distant again and said she wasn´t sure we could make it work, that she needed to see the changes happening, something concrete. Needless to say that pissed me off. I had decided to move forward and was doing well during the week until she came back, got me thinking this could be our second chance only to return to where we were before the end, the only difference is that we´re not living together. I wanted to just give up and tell her to go away for good but my therapist told me not to do it, that i should just focus on my job and leave her aside so i am currently trying to do that but it is hard because i still love her. I´m feeling used and confused.
I've been following your posts Dad84.. and wow.. that was a huge event that happened there when she came over.

I can put myself in your shoes and I would have done the same as you. I would have felt the same as you too, like our love is coming back and I feel so happy. Then to have her go cold again? Wow.. that hurts bad. That hurts so much it's not funny.

That's all I can say, to tell you that you did what I would have done, and you were betrayed again. What advice can someone give you, right? That's such a tough situation. How could she be so cold, after such passion?

The "don't be so sensitive" crowd would probably say "toughen up, leave her and focus on your child!".
But in reality, and for those who still feel their heart, they would say "But I still love her. And that night I felt that she still loved me."

Anyhow, Dad84.. trust yourself and be the best person you can be. I would love to say that your ex will come around and your family would be reunited.. because that's what I would want too.

BTW That "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book had some parts that made sense, but when I read it, I took it too seriously and in the end it was bad for me and my relationship. It seemed more focused on finding/creating negative things in my relationship, rather than things that would be positive for it. But that was just me. I later on got into the "Inner Child" book and that healed me a lot more, personally.
 

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Talked to my ex last Sunday and cleared the Air. She Said she left because i had no ambition or perspective in life. I always worked with my dad and got too laid back. To some degree she was right. I lived like that for years but after we moved to our own place i changed, got a job and was providing for my family with something i got for myself but when i left the job (Very toxic place) she Said she Saw a pattern repeating and gave up on us. I explained It was not the case and she knew i was suffering at that job (Lost 22 pounds in 1 month) and that i had gotten a job in a New place so i was not repeating any pattern. She Said she doesn't know If its possible to glue together what was broken. I sent a message to her saying i was going to block her and let my mom intermediate things for a while since my priority is with me and my daughter right now. There is still a chance there is another Guy but i didn't ask. It seems It is really over. I am trying to get my mind together but it's hard. Depression and anxiety are off the roof and i can't move.
I understand now that i was emotionally dependent of her in a Very high degree. I placed all her needs above Mine and didn't fought for anything. I feel so Sorry for my daughter and also Very guilty. I miss my family together, our home. I just wanted a Second chance to make things right now that i can see things clearly for the first time in my life. Maybe this whole situation is for the best. I just want this pain to Go away.
Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

You’re getting the cheater script. They all play this. Unless you wake up to reality and apply no contact you’ll keep yourself in this.
 

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A week later after i blocked her she called my mom and said she needed to talk to me and in the end it was about some little things just to make me unblock her then a little later she called me and said our daughter wanted to sleep with me (she is refusing to sleep without me around) and was having a meltdown. I said i was going to pick her up but she insisted to bring her to me. She came, we put our daughter in bed, she felt asleep, we left the bedroom and when it was time for my ex to go back to her house then she stared at me and we kissed. She said she didn´t want to live without me and that she loved me. We talked and had sex until it was 5 a.m. We had a perfect weekend, she was everything i wanted her to be, loving, caring and it felt like we had just started our relationship and the sex was amazing. Moving forward to tuesday she was all cold and distant again and said she wasn´t sure we could make it work, that she needed to see the changes happening, something concrete. Needless to say that pissed me off. I had decided to move forward and was doing well during the week until she came back, got me thinking this could be our second chance only to return to where we were before the end, the only difference is that we´re not living together. I wanted to just give up and tell her to go away for good but my therapist told me not to do it, that i should just focus on my job and leave her aside so i am currently trying to do that but it is hard because i still love her. I´m feeling used and confused.
She was just making sure she still had you under her control. Once she found out you will do whatever she wants she reverted back to who she really is. Now she’s back with her mailman.

Until you wake up and take her off the pedestal you’ve put her on ( she doesn’t deserve it) you’ll get more of what you’ve gotten.

No contact = no more pain. You can control yourself and until you do you’ll effectively keep yourself in limbo.
 

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I've been following your posts Dad84.. and wow.. that was a huge event that happened there when she came over.

I can put myself in your shoes and I would have done the same as you. I would have felt the same as you too, like our love is coming back and I feel so happy. Then to have her go cold again? Wow.. that hurts bad. That hurts so much it's not funny.

That's all I can say, to tell you that you did what I would have done, and you were betrayed again. What advice can someone give you, right? That's such a tough situation. How could she be so cold, after such passion?

The "don't be so sensitive" crowd would probably say "toughen up, leave her and focus on your child!".
But in reality, and for those who still feel their heart, they would say "But I still love her. And that night I felt that she still loved me."

Anyhow, Dad84.. trust yourself and be the best person you can be. I would love to say that your ex will come around and your family would be reunited.. because that's what I would want too.

BTW That "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book had some parts that made sense, but when I read it, I took it too seriously and in the end it was bad for me and my relationship. It seemed more focused on finding/creating negative things in my relationship, rather than things that would be positive for it. But that was just me. I later on got into the "Inner Child" book and that healed me a lot more, personally.
Dad84 doesn’t have a relationship. At this time he is just a puppet on her string. All this does is keep him locked in limbo living on hopium waiting for her to pass out the next breadcrumb.

no contact is your best friend. You have value. Realize that and start using it.
 

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Discussion Starter #48
I understand you all mean well and i cant say How i know It 'cos i don't want to admit anything but i know for sure now that there wasn't another Guy. Obviously this brings me some peace but It does not help overall. She is still highly depressed and i don't see us moving forward. I am focusing on me now and my goals for this year. I won't stop my life again for anybody. Right now i'm not confident at all that this is going to work but as long as i am happy with myself i am ok. I am going to put some distancie between us we're spending too much time together as It is and i won't be able to meet someone new like this even though my Focus is on my job now it is Nice to feel desired. I was at the Beach today and this cute girl was flirting with me which made me feel good. Ah! And about work! I am working with real estate and i got a Meeting with a client that is selling his Company for 2M! If i can bring this Guy in and se sell It is going to be at least 48k in my pocket. Wish me luck.
 

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Thank you. I am Reading non-stop. I am learning a lot about myself. I thought i was a normal person and being Nice was part of me and now i see how i should have treated myself better. Part of me feels Sad because If i had learned this sooner i could have saved my marriage but there is also a lesson of letting Go and "what can i learn from this?"
It helped a great deal. The pain Will still be here for some time but maybe in the Future i Will learn that i never loved my wife in the first place but the need to take care of her (she has a lot of traumas). I Will do my best now to look at me and my own needs.
Being nice does not mean you should be a doormat. Doormats get walked on. You fix that your whole life will improve and you’ll realize you didn’t lose much in divorcing your x.
 
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