[Dad84]

Found out today that she was cheating on me. I was punishing myself, blaming myself and all along It had nothing to do with me. I feel angry, depressed. 4 years of a sexless life and nos she is probably doing It everyday. I am so Sorry for my daughter but being civil Just went out the window. I beber want to see this woman again.

 

[shortbus]

That's how that fence got moved. She was already conducting interviews for your replacement.
Happy New Year to you and your daughter.

 

[Dad84]

She said she didn't love me anymore but there was no problem in me driving her to work and taking her home. I did those things because i was still hopeful we could work out and in my mind since i was picking up my daughter i could Take her as well then a friend knew what i was going through and reached out to me, he saved me. I decided It was time for me to stop putting myself down waiting for something that wouldn't happen. I stopped taking her to work, only picking up my daughter and that was enough to make her furious. She Said we needed to help each other but what she meant was that I needed to keep doing things for her. Since then she is furious with me and also jealous because she knows i haven't been home much and she doesn't know what i am doing. She also used our daughter trying to reach out but since that doesn't work she stopped talking to me. We spent New year's eve apart and i had to call her because i wanted to see my daughter and if i didn't, she wouldn't. I am beginning to realize how good i was for her and How little i got in return. She is an orphan with a lot of traumas and does not know how to love properly but refused treatment. Sometimes i feel i should have insisted more but i was also depressed and lethargic. i Will also stop being so hard on myself and forgive me for the years of my life i have wasted. Anyway, when the gym opens i am back in the first hour. I am going to Take Care of me more than never and i am sure that next year i Will look back and thank me. That is going to take a lot of therapy but i am going to make It. Wish you all a wonderful new year. Thank you for dedicating a little bit of your time to me.

 

[Dad84]

Started treatment today. Anti psychotics, anti depressives and alprazolan. Did not know i was this bad. I Will keep going until i am better.

 

[Trident]

Why wait for the gym to open? Work out at home.

 

[joannacroc]

Congratulations on the job! That's awesome. Good for you for starting therapy and medication - we're always here to listen but getting professional help is really important as we aren't a replacement for licensed therapists.

I'm so sorry to hear she was cheating on you. You sound like you're doing a 180 already - no need to do things for her. Communicate with her only to deal with your daughter and divorce proceedings or bills. Anything else, you don't need to respond or help her. Just focus on your health, and taking care of your daughter.

 

[jlg07]

I left my daughter at her mother's and when i Said bye she was so Sad and asked me: "why do you have to Go?" It hurts so much. To top it all my wife has been treating me like a stranger. She Just opened without saying nothing and when i left she Just Said "bye". Not seeing her again would help great deal but because we have a daughter we have to keep seeing each other which is a complete torture for me. It is so hard to love someone and have them feel nothing for you anymore. And my wife is beautiful, i bet pretty soon she'll be with some of those gym rats where she works as a personal trainer and i'll feel even worse. I am so hurt and afraid i will do something to myself. I Just can't stop thinking of dying. It would be such a relief to get rid of everything, all the pain, all the noises in my Head, this crushing weight on my chest, this love i feel for her that won't let go of me.

I hope those suicidal thoughts have passed now -- PLEASE DO NOT do that. Think of your daughter having to grow up without you to guide her and only be brought up by your cheating wife.

I hate to say this but she has most likely already BEEN cheating on you again. You both never resolved the first infidelity.
YOU did not lose your family -- SHE is the one driving you away.
So, get your plans together for YOURSELF and your daughter. Don't worry about her, don't talk with her unless it is strictly about the divorce or your child, do NOT discuss your feelings with her.
Work on you -- eat, sleep, exercise, improve YOU, improve your relationship with your daughter.

Ignore her when she wants to hang with you or needs your help. Just tell her that her new BF can take care of that for you and walk away.

EDT:
Sorry just caught up and found out that she HAD cheated on you again. Move on, get your lawyer on the case, and the above mentioned items are still valid. You will be MUCH better off without her and her manipulations.

 

[baudoman]

Hey Dad84..
Heartbreaking story. I don't think any one of us can fully understand the pain you are going through. Words do not do justice to that kind of hurt and sorrow.

There is something that has helped me through tough feelings. It's called Inner Child therapy. I'm not sure if they allow external links on here, but if you search on amazon for: Recovery of Your Inner Child
..
You'll find it. Written by Lucia C.

Trust me when I say that there are many things they should be teaching in schools that they're not, and that's a big one in my opinion.

Take care of yourself and those that love you.

 

[Dad84]

Thank you for your words. I am doing better at my job these days which is great. Do not feel suicidal anymore It was the Peak of the pain but has passed. I did opened up with her and explained my feelings but i do not regret It. Through our relationship we should have done that and things just piled up. I am not sure about the cheating anymore that could have been my anxiety talking but even If she did hooked up with someone after she left me that would not be less cruel. She seems confused If she made the right decision or not and i think pretty soon she Will regret It but either way i decided we're not going back together. I confess i am not 100% sure of that and our Instagram status still say we're married but to try again she would have to acknowledge and apologize for so many things that i don't think she has It in her but she is clearly jealous of what i am doing and who i am hanging out with since she doesn't know much of my life anymore. I am not ready to move on but i am moving If that makes sense. I don't think of dates yet so i Will just let things work out naturally. Eventually that status won't make sense anymore and i Will remove It. Thanks again everyone

 

[Marc878]

The only one that can keep you in limbo is yourself. Until you cut the needless contact you’ll wallow in this.

You should download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. Its a free pdf.
Perfect for you.

 

[Dad84]

Things took a turn for the worst as i found out How manipulative my ex was. I still had faith our family could reunite but that is over. I tried to delete her pictures from my phone but the pain was too much for me. Also, my daughter is suffering so much i feel like a knife is cutting me. I hate to see her like that and it also makes me Wonder How her mother didn't even thought of her when we broke up. I am not as anxious anymore but still Very depressed. Don't want to leave the house, can't work (probably be laid out), It seems i annoy everyone because i Just can't stop talking about her. It's been a month but i don't know If its normal to still love her like this after what she did. I Just want to move on.

 

[joannacroc]

There is a certain element of "fake it til you make it." You don't suddenly feel fine, get up in the morning and want to go to work and take care of yourself after something this devastating. You get up, make a conscious choice to do something for yourself in the hope that at some point in the future, maybe not today, but eventually, you will start to feel better. You get up and take your meds, take a shower and go for a walk. You get up and go to work because you will need to live somewhere and eat. And then you come home and try and take care of your sweet girl the best you can. You spend time with her, focus on her, and try and go outside once in a while. Eventually it gets better. The good news is you have therapy and meds. Do you have a support system you can turn to (friends/family/house of worship?)?

 

[joannacroc]

When I first joined this forum I was in incredible pain like you. And I got a lot of kind words and some tough love. The general gist was - focus on your child and yourself. Try and block out your XW until you can stand to think of her without it being painful. Pretty soon you'll go a whole day without thinking of her. Then a week. Then you might not even think about her until the next time you guys do a custody exchange. It does get better. Hang in there. Look up the 180. That helped me a lot. If you don't roll around in the pain, it DOES start to ease.

 

[Dad84]

The only one that can keep you in limbo is yourself. Until you cut the needless contact you’ll wallow in this.

You should download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. Its a free pdf.
Perfect for you.

Thank you. I am Reading non-stop. I am learning a lot about myself. I thought i was a normal person and being Nice was part of me and now i see how i should have treated myself better. Part of me feels Sad because If i had learned this sooner i could have saved my marriage but there is also a lesson of letting Go and "what can i learn from this?"
It helped a great deal. The pain Will still be here for some time but maybe in the Future i Will learn that i never loved my wife in the first place but the need to take care of her (she has a lot of traumas). I Will do my best now to look at me and my own needs.

 

[Dad84]

My ex keeps trying to find reasons to bother me and hurt me. My family was her support when we were together because she is alone in this world and when she broke up with me she thought It would still be so. For example, yesterday she wanted my mother to go shopping for some groceries and i Said no because my family is not at her service when convenient and as a response, today, when my father went to leave my daughter at her place (he is helping because i can't stand being near her) she threw a couple of bags with some of my clothes that were still there because she knew It would hurt me. That is just an example. She doesn't want to be together but don't want to lose everything i gave her so she acts like this. I guess things are not as wonderful or secure with the other guy because If they were she wouldn't be wasting time pestering me.

 

[AGoodFlogging]

Stay strong buddy. If throwing out a few clothes is all she has got then just don't give it the time of day. They are just clothes, this doesn't really hurt you and she is being pathetic. Stop sweating the small stuff.

 

[joannacroc]

My ex keeps trying to find reasons to bother me and hurt me. My family was her support when we were together because she is alone in this world and when she broke up with me she thought It would still be so. For example, yesterday she wanted my mother to go shopping for some groceries and i Said no because my family is not at her service when convenient and as a response, today, when my father went to leave my daughter at her place (he is helping because i can't stand being near her) she threw a couple of bags with some of my clothes that were still there because she knew It would hurt me. That is just an example. She doesn't want to be together but don't want to lose everything i gave her so she acts like this. I guess things are not as wonderful or secure with the other guy because If they were she wouldn't be wasting time pestering me.

Can I ask - she threw OUT the clothes, or she gave your dad some bags with your clothes in to give to YOU?

If it was the first of those, then that's just sad. Let her be that person who she is. Don't let that change your inner compass. I'm with Eleanor Roosevelt on this onw - "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Nobody can bother you unless you let them. Don't let her. Forget it. It's just clothes. If 2 bags of clothes is what your freedom costs, isn't that worth it?

If I misunderstood and she gave the bags of your clothes to your dad to pass on, then that is of course an emotional blow when your things are cleared out, but eventually none of your stuff will be with her and you can start to heal and make your own nest.

 

[Dad84]

Can I ask - she threw OUT the clothes, or she gave your dad some bags with your clothes in to give to YOU?

If it was the first of those, then that's just sad. Let her be that person who she is. Don't let that change your inner compass. I'm with Eleanor Roosevelt on this onw - "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Nobody can bother you unless you let them. Don't let her. Forget it. It's just clothes. If 2 bags of clothes is what your freedom costs, isn't that worth it?

If I misunderstood and she gave the bags of your clothes to your dad to pass on, then that is of course an emotional blow when your things are cleared out, but eventually none of your stuff will be with her and you can start to heal and make your own nest.

It was the Second but what's really bothering me it's my mom doing things for her. She does It because she loves her grandaughter i told her not to but she keeps doing It. My ex has to learn that there are consequences for her actions and one of them is losing my family's support. She can Take care Very well of our daughter but is hanging out with her friend and escaping responsabilities. Also, when my mom goes over my decisions she undermines me. The other day i got so furious i grabbed a chair and broke It to pieces until there was nothing to break.

 

[joannacroc]

Gotcha. Maybe talk to your parents about transitioning from helping her to just being their for their grandkids? She doesn't get the benefits of her association with you anymore because you guys are splitting up. I liked my inlaws before I got divorced but I never told them about their son's cheating and he probably had his own spin on what happened that he told them, so they leave me alone now, other than to pick up their grandson occasionally. It's not a big deal. She'll get over it.

Do you find yourself getting angry a lot when your parents don't comply with your wishes? What I have realized over time is that the only person you can control is you. Be the parent you want to be for your kids. Don't let her or your parents situation unravel you. They are gonna do what they're gonna do. You stated your preferences. They aren't complying. You can make it a requirement to see their grandkids that they comply, but in the end, if you divorce, it won't be your issue what happens when your kids are at your ex's and isn't it better that your kids are with your parents and some kind of person you trust rather than just with your ex? It's tricky. With my divorce, my parents remained civil with my ex for the sake of their grandkids. A lot of animosity will effect your kids in the end. So you want to try minimize that. When you find yourself losing control of your temper, remember that you are the model for your kids of what to do when angry. Is this how you would want them to act when they're angry? If not, you have to show them a better way.

 

[AGoodFlogging]

Hi OP,

Does what your parents do for your ex benefit you kids? If it does I would try and not sweat it. If it doesn't or it involves money or putting your kids at risk then you would need to ha e words.

Regardless of your situation she will always be the mother of their grandchildren. I suspect things will get more distanced as your separation and divorce becomes more finalised.