[Dad84]

Me and my wife started dating 7 years Ago. 4 years Ago we had a daughter. She was born with autism (until recently It was called asperger's syndrom).
Since our daughter was borned our sex life declined and we were having It once a month or two. This went on for the past 4 years. I never cheated and always looked for ways to make her feel better but It never improved. I think that is part of the problem because i completely forgot to invest in me. I have been a bad provider, always struggling. All i can think about is that if i treated myself better we could still be together. I love her Very much and i wanted my daughter to have mommy and daddy at home. Today of all days she looked at me and asked If i was happy. I had to hold myself together but ended up crying. At least she didn't notice.
I feel like an excuse of a person, a waste of life because i never managed to achieve anything. I keep thinking that if i did better she wouldn't have left me but at the same time i am hurt and angry becaused i loved ver, took care of her, i was there through and through and all o needed was her to love me, to encourage me and not give up on us. I should want things for myself and not need others for encouragement but that is something i Will have to work within me. I Just wanted to go back home, have my daughter wake me up with a "good morning, daddy." It hurts so much.

 

[Kattieb]

It’s not you by any means..My son is going through the same **** with his wife.,They have a 8 year old and from day one of giving birth, she turned her back on our daughter and because of that, I had to step up and be mom and dad.,Now she complains we don’t have sex anymore, I never tell her she is pretty , my only concern is our daughter, blah, blah, blah...I took it for over 8 years of her putting me down everyday for being a gray dad and husband..Dont let this women do that to you...You sound like a nice guy and better days will come

 

[frusdil]

It’s not you by any means..My son is going through the same **** with his wife.,They have a 8 year old and from day one of giving birth, she turned her back on our daughter and because of that, I had to step up and be mom and dad.,Now she complains we don’t have sex anymore, I never tell her she is pretty , my only concern is our daughter, blah, blah, blah...I took it for over 8 years of her putting me down everyday for being a gray dad and husband..Dont let this women do that to you...You sound like a nice guy and better days will come

Your post makes no sense - your son is going through this with his wife, but then you say that your wife turned her back on your daughter? what?

 

[Dad84]

Yesterday we sat down with our daughter to tell her i was not going to sleep at home anymore. Obviously she did not want me to go: "no daddy. You have to stay here with me, you can't go away". It killed me. She is so innocent. I Felt like i was abandoning her. I tried not to cry in front of her and also not the give my wife the pleasure of seeing me like that but couldn't help it so i just turned my face the other way it was the best i could do. Before we had that talk i have to sit on the couch waiting for her to be done with her bath and have dinner and while i was waiting i was feeling so heavy and nauseated i just wanted to leave 'cos looking at those walls kept bringing back memories that were hurting me deeply. To make things worse my wife was sending an audio making plans of going out with her friends. She knows this whole situation is killing me and i thought that was really low. After my daughter comply It was time to leave and when we were at the front yard my daughter showed up at the door looking at me going. My chest was so heavy and at that point i was a mess. As if giving me the killing blow my wife asked If she could hug me (as to console me) and i said no. I am not going to lie i was eager for that hug but not like that. I wanted her to love me and tell me not to go but she couldn't do that. She doesn't love me anymore. My mind keeps torturing making me picture her with someone else making love in all the rooms of the house, happy, just like what i wanted us to be. A loving and passionate couple with the sweetest daughter. Life would have been perfect, i'd want for nothing.

 

[Dad84]

Tonight i left my daughter at home again. This time i did not enter the house. She cried, told me not to go but eventually complied. It was not as bad as today but It was awful all the same. I managed to hold my tears until i was inside the car. Before getting in my car my wife invited me to eat something. I do not think she wants to reconcile i just think she is feeling lonely. She is an orphan and has no one to turn to. I wanted to say yes but it would not be good for me so i refused. When i got home i started to feel a little better until i got a video call from my daughter. She didn't want to go to sleep without me. I talked to her a little and she calmed down. It was horrible because she looked so Sad. I Just Hope she does not absord too much of this horrible moment. I feel so Sorry for her.

 

[Dad84]

4 years Ago we had a fall out. She broke up with me and later i found out she had an affair. She couldn't let me go and i didn't want to end our relationship so i fought for us. Then i discovered the affair and it was painful. On top of that she was pregnant and i had to find out my daughter was really my daughter through a DNA test. I always wanted a family and be a father to a little girl so i forgave her even though from time to time this whole past comes to mind.
Over these 4 years i tried to make her happy the way i could and completely neglected myself. She is broken in many ways as i am and i tried everything to Take care of her and our daughter, but didn't do the same for me. I expected her to do that, to encourage me, to love me, support me but she couldn't do that for herself. I talked to her today and Said i was Sorry for not being the Man our family needed, that i was going to work on that and learn How to forgive myself. She was Very cold, distant and the way she talk was a definitive no on us coming back. I wanted this experience to be a shock for us, to turn the tables and love each other again like never before but It was clear to me as she was talking that It is really over. She Said we should start talking to our daughter to sleep over at my place. I immediately noticed that she had plans, i don't If with friends or maybe someone else. It was tough listening to her talking like that. I am still not ready to move on yet which hurts, a lot. As i type my daughter naps besise me. I was looking at her and crying. She already have manu Challenges ahead because of her autism and i keep saying sorry for harming her this way. I know i faiked. All i have left is gather strength from somewhere and Take Care of me so It does not haappen again but part of me Will always feel guilty, pain for being the father she needed and part of me Will always love my wife. Why did It have to be this way?

 

[Dad84]

My 4 years old daughter, with autism, asked me today If i was still her daddy. When you think It can't get any worse. Never Felt so bad in my entire life

 

[Divinely Favored]

Why are you leaving your house?

 

[Dad84]

Why are you leaving your house?

It is actually her house. Her mom died when she was 10 and left it for her.
Anyway. I talked to her today, she looked me in the eyes and Said she didn't love me anymore. Love was wearing out after a bad 4 years. I thought this could be a shock to make It work, everything New but since there is no love anymore It's pointless.
I am devastated, really in pieces, Lost count of How many times i cried and screamed my lungs out. I Lost my family. It is over. Completely Lost at this point. I Just want this pain to end. I keep thinking about my daughter to Prevent me from killing myself because i am Just so tired. This world is a horrible place. I Just want to leave, i want to die, really want to but i can't do this to my baby. Maybe that's why God put her in my life in the first place because i often picture myself at my favorite Beach. In my thoughts i Take me shoes and shirt off and dive in swimming endlessly to exhaustion. It would be such a peaceful way to Go Just feeling the ocean Take over while i lose my senses but even that i cannot do. I have to stay and suffer. While i'm driving i constantly think of getting Robbed and shot to death, this way it wouldn't be my fault. Please Lord, watch over my daughter and Take me.

 

[joannacroc]

Hang in there. This is the shi*(y part. Divorce and separation are about the toughest thing you can go through. For your daughter and yourself, try and push through. Please consider going to counseling - some of the thoughts you are having about suicide are very worrying indeed. However bad you think your daughter is going through now, having no father would be infinitely worse than all of that. She may end up blaming herself, or thinking she is responsible. Please, please for your sake and your daugther's start therapy asap. You can do this. There is no shame in asking for help. You are going through one of the toughest things a person can go through. Don't be afraid to reach out to a professional. I have found this site a godsend but it is no replacement for therapy - rather an addition to it!

 

[Dad84]

Hang in there. This is the shi*(y part. Divorce and separation are about the toughest thing you can go through. For your daughter and yourself, try and push through. Please consider going to counseling - some of the thoughts you are having about suicide are very worrying indeed. However bad you think your daughter is going through now, having no father would be infinitely worse than all of that. She may end up blaming herself, or thinking she is responsible. Please, please for your sake and your daugther's start therapy asap. You can do this. There is no shame in asking for help. You are going through one of the toughest things a person can go through. Don't be afraid to reach out to a professional. I have found this site a godsend but it is no replacement for therapy - rather an addition to it!

I can't afford therapy right now.

 

[Dad84]

I left my daughter at her mother's and when i Said bye she was so Sad and asked me: "why do you have to Go?" It hurts so much. To top it all my wife has been treating me like a stranger. She Just opened without saying nothing and when i left she Just Said "bye". Not seeing her again would help great deal but because we have a daughter we have to keep seeing each other which is a complete torture for me. It is so hard to love someone and have them feel nothing for you anymore. And my wife is beautiful, i bet pretty soon she'll be with some of those gym rats where she works as a personal trainer and i'll feel even worse. I am so hurt and afraid i will do something to myself. I Just can't stop thinking of dying. It would be such a relief to get rid of everything, all the pain, all the noises in my Head, this crushing weight on my chest, this love i feel for her that won't let go of me.

 

[Casual Observer]

To @Dad84 - this is not a substitute for therapy, which you are truly in need of. This is also not a substitute for friends. The best you can get out of TAM, for your situation, is knowing that others have come through similar paths to this place, and survived. That there is hope. But you need professional help, now. You have spoken of your own death being something kept at bay by having your wonderful daughter to look after, but there may be moments of darkness when that is not enough.

I would being by calling a suicide prevention hotline; they can put you in touch with therapy you can afford. I think your flag is Brazilian? Here's a link to a Brazilian suicide hotline- Suicide Hotline - Brazil - International Bipolar Foundation (ibpf.org)

Please friend, I feel your helplessness. I get it. I've been there. But you've already spoken of the things you can do to be a better you. You might just need some accountability to get there, someone to give you a nudge now and then, check in on you. Find that someone, whether it's a friend or an organization for people feeling like you do.

 

[Dad84]

Their phone number does not seem right. Try calling different ways but didn't work. I'll see if i can find anything online

 

[TJW]

I Just can't stop thinking of dying. It would be such a relief to get rid of everything, all the pain, all the noises in my Head, this crushing weight on my chest, this love i feel for her that won't let go of me.

I understand, and can fully empathize with your death wish. The pain, the noises, the crushing weight, I have experienced, and do now experience. However, it is not "the love" that won't let go..... it's you....who won't let go....

I feel like an excuse of a person, a waste of life because i never managed to achieve anything.

I get it. I fully understand. But when I take a look around, guess what ? There are far, far more of "us" than there are of "them". If you would dump that self-centered a$$hole wife you married, concentrate on yourself FIRST and your children a CLOSE SECOND.... I think you are probably half my age..... you have CHOICES..... so do I, for that matter....make a choice today, that you are going to do what it takes to achieve something.....

Maybe that's why God put her in my life in the first place

More that 45 years ago, I learned to fly an airplane. In the first few times I flew with my instructor, he would direct me to various turns, 90°. 180°, steep, shallow, etc..... and I would have not one bloomin' idea where the airport was..... one day I asked him ...."...do you work by a script so you know how to get back to the airport...."....

He chuckled and said ".....no, it's just random, except I look for traffic before I ask for a turn.... this is my backyard out here....I know most of the landmarks, and where they are in relation to the airport..... when I see your time expiring, I find one, and instruct you to head us back.... that's all...."

I learned something very rich and meaningful about God that day......

don't concentrate on where "God put ..." your wife..... concentrate on the fact that this is His backyard out here....depend on Him to set your heading....
....and hold those wings straight and level on His course.....

 

[Dad84]

I understand, and can fully empathize with your death wish. The pain, the noises, the crushing weight, I have experienced, and do now experience. However, it is not "the love" that won't let go..... it's you....who won't let go....



I get it. I fully understand. But when I take a look around, guess what ? There are far, far more of "us" than there are of "them". If you would dump that self-centered a$$hole wife you married, concentrate on yourself FIRST and your children a CLOSE SECOND.... I think you are probably half my age..... you have CHOICES..... so do I, for that matter....make a choice today, that you are going to do what it takes to achieve something.....



More that 45 years ago, I learned to fly an airplane. In the first few times I flew with my instructor, he would direct me to various turns, 90°. 180°, steep, shallow, etc..... and I would have not one bloomin' idea where the airport was..... one day I asked him ...."...do you work by a script so you know how to get back to the airport...."....

He chuckled and said ".....no, it's just random, except I look for traffic before I ask for a turn.... this is my backyard out here....I know most of the landmarks, and where they are in relation to the airport..... when I see your time expiring, I find one, and instruct you to head us back.... that's all...."

I learned something very rich and meaningful about God that day......

don't concentrate on where "God put ..." your wife..... concentrate on the fact that this is His backyard out here....depend on Him to set your heading....
....and hold those wings straight and level on His course.....

Thank you TJ.

I got a job today almost like a Divine intervention which made me feel better for a while but euphoria never lasts. It was funny because i was looking for a position in real estate so i parked my car to find the nearest agencies close to home and when i was reaching for my phone in my pocket i looked out the window and there was an agency on the other side of the street with a sign "we're hiring". The place seemed closed because of covid so i sent a message to the number. As It turns out the owner was inside, saw me parked outside and invited me in. We had an amazing conversation as if we'd met before and i was hired. It was the first place i visited.
I still feel like s*** but at least today i am a little better. I could be even better but since we have a daughter me and my wife we have to comunicate and she acts like a "friend" with me, you know? Like she doesn't regret at all ending our marriage, it's feeling great and wants the best for me. I hate that. Just hate It.

 

[shortbus]

Congrats on the job. Hope everything works out for you.

 

[Dad84]

I know i have to work on my self steem, learn to let go, do not waste my time with people that don't love me but it's a process.
When we moved in to our house there were an iron fence in the back to prevent home invasion. Since it was not needed i removed it. It was quite heavy and i alone had trouble carrying It. I left it on the side of the house. Today i went to get my daughter and i Saw the fence moved to the back which means another Man moved It. She could not do It Alone or even with a friend. In other times i would have freaked and even though i am hurt that she moved on so quickly it kind of helped me 'cos now any chance of return is dead and i have no choice but to keep going.
It is worth to mention that she still seeks me when It suits her. Everyday i leave her at work because i go for my daughter but end up giving her a ride. I could Tell her to f*** off but we have a daughter, it's important to at least be civil and i would feel like a hurt a-hole telling her to walk.

 

[Dad84]

I want to thank ALL you guys for the support. It is always good to see things from a different perspective. Thank you.

 

[TJW]

It is worth to mention that she still seeks me when It suits her.

The operative word being "still".....

Your wife has, from the beginning, sought you for what suits her..... but, alas, not for her precious husband and life-partner. This all remains unchanged, in her perspective, she is "entitled" to have your support, while providing you with nothing in return.

I could Tell her to f*** off but we have a daughter, it's important to at least be civil

Yes, for the sake of your daughter, yes. You will never regret going "the extra mile".

i have to work on my self steem, learn to let go, do not waste my time with people that don't love me but it's a process.

I got a clue for you. When you "let go", and "don't waste your time".... you will not need to "work on" your self-esteem. It will grow all by itself.
USE your time for beneficial activities. For your daughter. For others in need. For self-actualization...... What God gave you is His gift to you.....
how you use that for personal growth, and the aforementioned things, are your gift to Him.