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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
dont know where to start, its such a long story. dont know if i can go through e wole of it now but i will try.

been married 14 months, and more than half of it has ben hell. i am so confused. i know he dosnt love me, i m jauat there for sex and to maintin his name publicly, but honestly i am tired of the whole facade.
we should be in love, but from my reactions i know clearly that i dont love him,, i basically just tolerate the situation.

he doesnt love me too. he is always on pornographic sites sites day in day out and he denies it. its not something i am used to so can not accept it nd worst still each time we r in bed i think he compares me to them and he constantly askes me to do thngs he watches, though he doesnt kno i know he watches porn, like anal sex, and stuff.

everything is just loveless, and the sex now is crap, as i feel absolutely no desire for him. e askes me to stimulate him, doesnt do the same for me and on the ocasions when he does touch me he is rough,when i try to suggest stuff, he thinks thye are dirty, but he wnts me to have anal sex so i am quite confused.

he shouts at me and treats me like a fool constantly, i work he doesnt but he insists i pay my wages into his account, then he doles out wha he sees fit, he can work but wont, instead he spends all day online, and when i ge hme at 10pm, guess wha there is no food prepared so i have to cook and then, i dont eat all day at work because the money he gives me i have to use it to cook. so i have nothing. the job i work i have to leave home 2 hrs before and get home two hours later, tired and still have to cook. and whenn i get home and u'm tired, and ant to go to bed, he says i am staving him of sex, and i am choosing my job over him, this same job that pays the mortgage, and bills, he says he is writing up his phd thesis but believe you me he doesnt nothing. yet he treats me like a slave. o tired dont know what to do
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thanks for your reply, but its not quite as easy as that, unfortunately. firstly i am living in acountry where i have no family at all. so if i did leave i would have to return back home. which fair enough wold serve me better, but i feel if i leave i would be admitting defeat, admitting that i do not have the staying power. my parents and other ppl have said to me in the past that i do not have any patience in relationships, and to be quite honest, i do not have any patience for any nonsense but see te situation i fnd myself in. last nght he says he wanted me to talk,, primarily because i got paid and the mney goes to him. i said i was listening and then he accuses me of not apologising saying that i am always looking for excuses to justify my actions, i am so sick and tired of it all... i mean one could say just apologise and get it over and done with but no, because me giving in to him, just basically i am eroding my personality and self worth myself.

i wish i coud get pregnant and at least hae a baby and i know you will say that this is not the best environmen to bring a child into, however, i know that i need some oneto love and take care of and do not care if he kicked me out afterwards, at least that child would be mine. but he stays away from me when he knows i am ovulating or he causes a fight so we are not talking and just go to bed angry. he is manipulative and vindictive, so for the past 14 months i have been trying to get pregnt, however, cant say i was really rying because each time i ovulate we dont have sex and when my periods come he acts all surprised. i hat him so much,
 

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Don't get pregnant with his child. Don't get a divorce just seperate and move into your own place. Then you can't be deported. Since you are out of your country and not around family then make friends.

This guy is using you and treats you bad. You deserve better.

draconis
 

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wish i coud get pregnant and at least hae a baby and i know you will say that this is not the best environmen to bring a child into, however, i know that i need some oneto love and take care of and do not care if he kicked me out afterwards, at least that child would be mine.

I completely understand your wanting to have a baby. The baby would give you someone to give your undevoted love and affection to. The baby would make you feel like someone special, and you'd think twice about leaving because now your husband is also the father of your child. That's a different playing field altogether- sometimes wives want kids so they don't have to focus on how unhappy they are. Babies are distractions from the marriage- but it's not fair to bring a child into a marriage that has so many problems, and if you two part, the child has to grow up with seperated parents (which causes emotional problems and insecurities). I highly advise not to have a kid with this guy. I would do what Draconis suggested- seperate and get a place of your own. If you need support, we're all here for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thank you snowqueen.
in my rational mind's eye, i do get all u guys are saying. i wish it were so easy as leaving. thing is i had the opportunity to do it but i blew it. he beat me up twice in august last year. the first time was just a few slaps, and i moved out for abt 2 weeks, then i moved in because he begged and begged and i thought he was having in cardiac arrest once and i had to call an ambulance and thn ruch over to the house, a week later he beat me up so badly, i was off work for a week and our neighbours had to call the cops at abt 2a.m,. i didnt mve out then because i was to weak and dazed and at that point my family wasnt speaking to me because when i moved back in the 1st time they werent happy.

he hasnt hit me since then but he just torments me emotonally, even in bed at nigth some times, when my body touches hism he pushes me off and starts to shout that i shouldnt touch him, for the past 3 nights he's been sleeping in the guest room. i am so emotionally drained. i have just started my teacher training and this week has been hell for me. i wish i could just pack things up but i guess the truth is i feel, i do not ave the courage, there is fea and uncertainty.
you migh wonder what makes him treat me this way. truth is i dont know. honestly, only thing i can say is he comes from a severely damaged home and is also a military officer so i guess he has demons.

a month ago, my blood pressure was up and dangerously high. i dont know what to do. at the end of the da, the call is mine, but i am so scared.
 

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he beat me up twice in august last year. the first time was just a few slaps, and i moved out for abt 2 weeks, then i moved in because he begged and begged and i thought he was having in cardiac arrest once and i had to call an ambulance and thn ruch over to the house, a week later he beat me up so badly, i was off work for a week and our neighbours had to call the cops at abt 2a.m,. i didnt mve out then because i was to weak and dazed and at that point my family wasnt speaking to me because when i moved back in the 1st time they werent happy.

he hasnt hit me since then but he just torments me emotonally, even in bed at nigth some times, when my body touches hism he pushes me off and starts to shout that i shouldnt touch him, for the past 3 nights he's been sleeping in the guest room.



Chrisanna- YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THAT MARRIAGE. When a husband emotionally abuses his wife, there is counseling or certain alternatives to try and make the marriage work. But when a husband physically abuses his wife, the marriage should be over. Here are the reasons why:

1) If he's hit you once, he'll hit you again (which you stated above that he's already done). This will become a ritual where he'll beat you, and then later apologize and be sweet and wonderful. Then the cycle begins again. He could end up putting you in the hospital. If you can't leave for you, leave for your own health. This is a dangerous situation, and you should NOT be in it.

2) If he has the nerve to hit you, he will certainly have the same drive to hit your kids. Ahhh- there's one that most abused women don't think of. They think- he'll just hit me. He won't hurt the kids. But if you have kids with him, they are also at high risk- are you willing to put your future kids in that sort of an environment?

And let's say he's one of the few men that would never hit a child. So he just sticks to beating you- your kids would have to watch that, and I can't tell you how emotionally scarring that would be on them. They would grow up with serious psychological problems, and chances are, if you had a girl, she'd find herself in an abusive relationship (because that's what she's used to), or if you had a boy, he would become a wife beater himself. This is not a certainty by all means, but its probable.

My advice is to get up the courage and get out- get out for you, get out for your health, and get out for your kids (in the future). You deserve to have a wonderful husband who loves you and wants to take care of you and have a family.
 

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Chrisanna,

I understand that you say that it is hard for you to leave but you recognize that you both don't love each other so ask yourself what is keeping you from leaving? How is he contributing to your life in a good way? You have to first love yourself!!! Loving yourself is making sure that you are treated with respect and dignity. When someone crosses that line of disrespect and clearly trying to cause you harm, you then have to realize that it is time for you to remove yourself from the situation. It's my belief that your Mr. Right is waiting and you should have Mr. Right's child. You have that perfect man waiting and you are wasting your time with a LOSER! You should recognize what type of treatment you deserve. NO ONE deserves to be beaten....NO ONE! If he cared even in the slightest for you or your wellbeing, he would never touch you in a harmful manner under no circumstances. My wish is that you leave before it is too late. Domestic violence can escalate in the heat of the moment and something tragic can happen. I am begging that you please leave before something like that takes place. If you want something to be loyal and love you like you love them.....GET A DOG! We are here for moral support. You don't need him. You are the provider and you are the Victim here! LEAVE HIM IN HIS MISERY AND YOU START YOUR LIFE IN HAPPINESS!
 

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My advice is to GO HOME!!! Your family should understand and explain to them that he abuses you. They will understand, if not then you have us, you need to get out of that marriage and defiantaly not have a child with this guy!!!!
 
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