Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 30 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Background. My wife and I have been married 29 years. We have 2 great kids, house and cars are paid off, money in the bank. We've never had any issues with physical abuse or any type of substance abuse.

What happened: I noticed my wife was taking care of my sexual needs but said she didn't need anything when I tried to reciprocate. My wife lost 50 lbs and looks great. I said one day that she could probably fit into her wedding dress and we could renew our vows. She replied "Once was enough". A day later, I calmly told her I was hurt by this and that discussion triggered a bomb inside her.

She started saying she didn't know if she wanted to be married to anyone. She said she needed her space. Now 3 weeks later I haven't heard any I love you's. There are minor hugs and kisses because she knows I need them. This weekend she said "I see you are drowning and need a lifeline, but I can't give you one yet."

I know she is dealing with menopause, and our son (younget) went into the army a year ago and will be deployed to Afghanistan next year. The kids are grown, so we ARE dealing with the empty nest syndrome. I know over the years I spent more time working when I should have been with the family. I know I said stupid things and she buried it inside and the anger turned into resentment.

We have started couples counseling and she is going to try 1-on-1 counseling to uncover whats inside of her. There is no other man...but what it is I have no clue.

Starting to feel that maybe she no longer needs a man because her family has moved on...she just needs Scrabble on the iPad and Facebook.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,809 Posts
My wife lost 50 lbs and looks great.
She's getting looks and she likes it. She's not getting any younger, and you only get one crack at life so...

My wife undertook some inappropriate behavior over 10 years ago. I never got closure on it. We rug swept. When I tried to work on it with her recently she conveniently "forgot". So how do you spy after a decade? You look at bank records and credit card receipts. Well, surprise, surprise: no record of Saturday night at the "Infidelity Hotel" or admission charges to "The Hook-Up Club".

So what did I find? On one credit card (yes, I have statements going back 20 years), like CLOCKWORK, weekly trips to Weight Watchers. How did I forget about THAT? She popped out 2 kids, weened them from the breast, got in shape and hit the party circuit.

Your wife went from fatty to foxy. You WERE her life. Now you're just in the way.

Read up on the 180. You need it. Then let her go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Its not an affair...of that I am sure. She was never one for conflict. She accepted things even when they didn't go her way. That sadness, hurt, etc turned to anger then turned into resentment. She said she spent 20 years taking care of everyone now she wants to do something for herself.

She has GFs and they love to drive and stay overnight at a hotel and talk about school (they are all treachers). They do Facebook and Scrabble to an almost addiction. My wife hasn't gone from fatty to foxy, but she lost weight to get off medication and improve her health.

It does seem though that since she/we raised the kids and that part is over that she has little need for "us".
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
Welcome to TAM!

Do the two of you go out and do things together? If not, do you think she would be receptive to that at this point? I am 49 (second marriage for me, 3 kids all from 1st marriage) & we make a point to go out to dinner once a week together (leave pizza $ for the kids, still have 2 teens at home) & now that they are old enough to leave home alone we do other things together as well....last Thurs we saw Neil Young at the United Center...last Sat we went to the NIU homecoming FB game...I think it preps us for being empty nesters by easing into hanging out w/o kids now!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
428 Posts
Ive notice a suprising comparison with my own circumstances. My W made a statement recently when I was notinge like you she was off to pop concerts, wanted to have girls nights out more than ever even if there ws no money in th bank to fund it and when there was and an opportunity for us both to go together I ended up forgoing that so she could have some time with here friend (my way of giving a little back for being a housewife). One night I got the I need to do something with my life, (I noted the symtoms of menopause) and Im pround enough to say I made it clear to her Id help her and support her getting through these no matter what. But the "need to do somethign with her life seemed to exclude me and I (having posted a issue in TAM) made a point of saying what was on my mind - I had the I need to be doing something with my life, Ive worked for the famility and need me time, Im not giving up my friend s for anyone talk. TBH I felt like crap. Id also given long hours in work, in jobs I hated to bring in cash to allow for nice clothes, no money worries, holidays abroad, great christmas events, and no boundries to her buying clothes for her and our child as and when she wanted. Ther had never been any issue about going out with her friends from work - But I did have to put my foot down and say allthis above. I pointout that if that was the case and I wasnt in her life it ment that her friends were clearly more important and I was being sidelined - OK so be it if that is the way you feel. I started to withdraw and when one night she asked why I was so quiet I simply said "I was thinking about where me and the guys were going out to soon. the look on her face as I stopped at that point, didnt elaberate and pointed out that money would be a "bit tight" as I needed it for the lads night out, possibly at a sports match (somewhere I just didnt go because Id always thought let her have the money for her night she deserves it) All hell broke loose and I just said exactly what she has said to me, I needed me time Id worked all the hours in jobs I hated, Id put her and the child first, Id made sure SHE had some cash there for her friends night out and the pop concerts and now I was going to be like her. One big confrontation and boy was it uncomfortable EVERY point she hit me with I counter her with what Id done. Seems a little selfish I now but whan it went quiet I simply said so what am I doing different to you? She tried with I need my space. I countered with you dont want me in that space? She fired of YES - OK I said have your space. BUT remember your still married and remember ther are no excuses for being in a situation where your perseved as single because that will have it own repurcussions. Shes still trying to get out of me what these are. Menopause if not a female happy time and cannot be used to became a straying unfaithful partner. When marrying we say In sickness and in health forsaking all others. If your W is intending to cheat she will (sorry to say that but we have to accept the facts that come to all) You can be both supportive and clear. Open up and strive to maintain communication - Yep facebook (damn the thing) can be used but lay down boundries, if she on it all the time and there is no time where both of you share together - stop the broadband - Reduce the factors that are hurting you and make sure you tell her these are making you feel uncomfortable now and for your future. If she insists on this system sit next to her and look at her facebook, watch her playing scabble, and when she gets annoyed ask her if there is something shes trying to hide as an innocent facebook chat and game of scabble shouldnt creat that type of response.
Keep on with the councilling
Be open and keep communicating even when she shuts you out. It seems that you may just have causght the issue early but its still damned hard to recover. You might even find that as part of the outburst something you dont want to hear slips out. Above all if you are looking in to things like whose being called, texted and facebook accounts keep things to yourself as it will, if shes being unfaithful drive her underground.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I wish I would have done more date-nights yers ago...but we got stuck in a rut taking advantage of each other I think. Once she blew up and told me about wanting to possibly "not be married" I started. Sure it may be too little too late, but I'll fight to win her back.

Last weekend we went to see Jesus Christ Superstar and she loved it, singing every word. I then got her the music which she enjoyed. This weekend we are planning to see Kinky Boots downtown.

If we have been a couple for 30 years, then 3 weeks of misery is a mere fraction that I can endure. We are going to see a therapist and she is going to see one just for herself so she can understand why she has this resentment and what it is.

If we do split up and divirce then I'll move on and look for someone to love. Life is not about spending time playing online scrabble and Farmville, but more about quality time looking longingly into someone else's eyes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
634 Posts
Its not an affair...of that I am sure. She was never one for conflict. She accepted things even when they didn't go her way. That sadness, hurt, etc turned to anger then turned into resentment. She said she spent 20 years taking care of everyone now she wants to do something for herself.

She has GFs and they love to drive and stay overnight at a hotel and talk about school (they are all treachers). They do Facebook and Scrabble to an almost addiction. My wife hasn't gone from fatty to foxy, but she lost weight to get off medication and improve her health.

It does seem though that since she/we raised the kids and that part is over that she has little need for "us".
Yep. Same old story. My FWH had an EA with a MOW who tried to get him to meet up with her a knitting convention. Which happened to be with her girl friends in a hotel overnight locally.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20,603 Posts
Mark--it sounds like she could be having an affair--the losing weight, being less affectionate, "I don't want to be married anymore," spending overnights at hotels (have you confirmed it's with other women she is staying with and online gaming with)? Has she been talking about another man recently to you?

I would try to find out for sure. Do this w/o her knowing.

Nonetheless--if she doesn't want to be married, then let her go. No point in clinging onto someone who doesn't want to be with you.

Your best shot at saving your marriage is letting go of it. Twisted, right? You have to be willing to lose her if you want the best shot at your marriage. Get the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson and read it. It had a great advice in there & explains this very situation--of when someone wants out and how to respond to it. Confidence is key so do not cry, beg or plead with her.

Tell her that you love her and are committed to your marriage and are willing to do the hard work to restore it/better it, but that if she wants out, you will not try to make her stay since you both deserve to be happy.

Leave your emotions of out of it (very very important). Do not crumble. You need to let her know you are serious.

Get a new shirt and cologne, start exercising, be confident, cool, calm collected.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
Last weekend we went to see Jesus Christ Superstar and she loved it, singing every word. I then got her the music which she enjoyed. This weekend we are planning to see Kinky Boots downtown.
Awesome! Cyndi Lauper is lookin' good!
Life is not about spending time playing online scrabble and Farmville, but more about quality time looking longingly into someone else's eyes.
Sounds as if you harbor some resentment as well? I am glad you have both agreed to try MC. If her resentment revolves around her feeling she gave all of herself to you and your children over the years, wanting to spend time on herself is understandable, but sharing that time with you can be even more fulfilling if she can get past the resentment...but I still enjoy time with my women friends as well...my h just isn't that into chit-chatting while getting a mani/pedi :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
Investigate to be sure there isn't something going on or just about to start up

Pull the cell phone records and look for an inordinate amount of texts/calls to a number or two you don't recognize

This set off bells in my head:

"She has GFs and they love to drive and stay overnight at a hotel and talk about school (they are all treachers"

Why do they need a hotel room for that? Something stinks here
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
I do that sometimes, Toffer....If I meet friends for drinks and we drive an hour to a central location, we sometimes get a hotel so we don't have to drive...I also went on a weekend cruise with a friend from HS last summer...did the same cruise with my h and kids for Spring Break cuz it was so much fun. I have never considered stepping outside of my marriage.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
19,528 Posts
Mark, listen to what you are being told. Most husbands never believe their loving wives could step out on them....until the midlife crisis hits and their hormones take an upswing.

Your wife is showing all the textbook signs that she is either getting ready to cheat on you or is already in the throes of an affair.

Ask one of the moderators (Chris C., or Halien) to move this thread over to the CWI section where a plethora of wounded and scarred adultery survivors will give you pointers on how to catch your wife cheating and what to do afterwards.

Take it or leave it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
61 Posts
She started saying she didn't know if she wanted to be married to anyone.
I often have these thoughts, too. But it's not because I'm having an affair. It's because marriage is so hard and I got married so young and the resentment is piled so high.

My girlfriends and I have often remark how we may love our husbands but we will NEVER get married again if heaven forbid anything should happen to them or they leave us.

I know she is dealing with menopause, and our son (younget) went into the army a year ago and will be deployed to Afghanistan next year. The kids are grown, so we ARE dealing with the empty nest syndrome. I know over the years I spent more time working when I should have been with the family. I know I said stupid things and she buried it inside and the anger turned into resentment.

We have started couples counseling and she is going to try 1-on-1 counseling to uncover whats inside of her. There is no other man...but what it is I have no clue.
It sounds like you've hit the nail on the head and you're doing something about it.


It does seem though that since she/we raised the kids and that part is over that she has little need for "us".
This is why I tell people to never put their children before their marriage. Kids will grow up and leave... marriage is suppose to be forever. Too bad you both didn't realize that sooner. The best thing you can do now is date your wife again, which you are doing (and a fabulous job of it from the sounds of it:)) Keep it up and you'll win her back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
I do that sometimes, Toffer....If I meet friends for drinks and we drive an hour to a central location, we sometimes get a hotel so we don't have to drive...I also went on a weekend cruise with a friend from HS last summer...did the same cruise with my h and kids for Spring Break cuz it was so much fun. I have never considered stepping outside of my marriage.
I'm just saying that this, in context with some of the other issues the OP brought forth is disturbing to me

I realize that this may not be the case but as a wise TAM poster has often said "Trust but Verify"
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,485 Posts
Mark,

Fight the urge to stop reading this before you get to the end. This is all textbook stuff, but I'm sure it will piss you off. Just keep reading and follow the links.

Background. My wife and I have been married 29 years. We have 2 great kids, house and cars are paid off, money in the bank. We've never had any issues with physical abuse or any type of substance abuse.
Wife is 52-55? Kids out of the house? If so, there's an epidemic of this.


What happened: I noticed my wife was taking care of my sexual needs but said she didn't need anything when I tried to reciprocate.
So you always get off first. That can be good, in the right "F the S out of her" context, but somehow I don't think you're into that scene. How long has that been going on?

Does she say stuff like "I don't anything, baby, it's just for you." Then try to get you off as quickly as possible?

If so, it means she's been sexually devaluing you for however long this has been going on. It means you are a bummer, not a turn on, and may be sexually repellant to her.

My wife lost 50 lbs and looks great.
Do you understand what a bell curve is? For our purposes, it demonstrates that there is pretty standard distribution of traits, behaviors, etc. over the span of a human population, but there are small chances for vast differences out on the tails. I own a physique training studio. MOST of the time, when a woman comes to see me, she's already decided to make a change. She may or may not have already started a new relationship, but she has decided she is going to look for one. The husband is a dead man walking, he just doesn't know it yet. She'll tell you she's lost the weight for herself, but she's also getting rid of you for herself.

I said one day that she could probably fit into her wedding dress and we could renew our vows. She replied "Once was enough". A day later, I calmly told her I was hurt by this and that discussion triggered a bomb inside her.
Translation: "I already smashed the first set of vows, I'm guilty enough already without taking some more vows I already know I'm going to break."

She started saying she didn't know if she wanted to be married to anyone.
Translation: "I've got a younger guy who makes me squirm. I can't believe I'm getting these feelings for a kid at my age. Not only did I think I'd lost all interest in sex, I didn't know it could be like this. I know there is no way this young guy would ever marry me, it's just sex, but it's totally worth it. The internet is the greatest."

This is your wife's version of the ILYBINILWY. This means she has no sexual attraction to you, but sees no need to cut you loose, because she may be able to ride her new pony and keep you on the hook as a provider drone. This neutral attitude will change to fury once you confront her over the other men.

She said she needed her space.
Translation: "Leave me alone so I can meet these men on the internet and arrange for hookups when you're at work."

Now 3 weeks later I haven't heard any I love you's. There are minor hugs and kisses because she knows I need them. This weekend she said "I see you are drowning and need a lifeline, but I can't give you one yet."
Translation: "You are pathetic and even though I'm cheating on you because you don't turn me on, I want to keep your roof over my head and my hand in your bank account. Plus, it's fun toying with you. Who knew cuckolding you could be so much fun? It's deliciously wicked!"

I know she is dealing with menopause,

Menopause Leads to an Awakened Sex Life in Women.


The kids are grown, so we ARE dealing with the empty nest syndrome. I know over the years I spent more time working when I should have been with the family. I know I said stupid things and she buried it inside and the anger turned into resentment.

This has nothing whatsoever to do with resentment. It's a loss of physical desire, that leads to ILYBINILWY. We know about the 7 year itch, but it happens again a couple of times in a timeline, including at the empty nest point. Sometimes, the wife thinks she's lost all interest in sex, until it's reignited by Prince Charming.

We have started couples counseling and she is going to try 1-on-1 counseling to uncover whats inside of her. There is no other man...but what it is I have no clue.
If it's not another man that's inside her, it's the desire for one. Don't choose to be clueless.

Starting to feel that maybe she no longer needs a man because her family has moved on...she just needs Scrabble on the iPad and Facebook.
She needs Facebook, because that's where she finds her men.

Its not an affair...of that I am sure. ...She said she spent 20 years taking care of everyone now she wants to do something for herself.
Translation: "I've just discovered the c0ck carousel of 35-year-old divorced men. Now that I've lost all that weight, they will let me RIDE!!"

She has GFs and they love to drive and stay overnight at a hotel and talk about school


(they are all treachers).
Well, that's one thing in her favor, she's a teacher. It's only the #1 most adulterous female profession. No worries there.

They do Facebook and Scrabble to an almost addiction.


You're puttin' us on, right? You do know facebook is the #1 Adultery Tool in the cheating wife arsenal, right?

My wife hasn't gone from fatty to foxy, but she lost weight to get off medication and improve her health.

She doesn't have to be what YOU think is foxy, she only has to up her SMV a few notches to get a lot more attention from younger, higher SMV males. The biggest problem I have in my business is women quitting training before they meet their physique goals. Why do they quit before they get that 35-24-36? Because they have already met their real goal, which was to increase their standing a few notches on the Male Attention Meter. When they start reeling in the snakes, the urge to train hard declines. They're getting all the exercise they can handle.

It does seem though that since she/we raised the kids and that part is over that she has little need for "us".
That's because she can cater to every fetish she has (and here you thought she didn't have any) on Facebook and the web. Don't worry, though, she'll let you keep paying the bills as long as you're willing.

I wish I would have done more date-nights yers ago...but we got stuck in a rut taking advantage of each other I think. Once she blew up and told me about wanting to possibly "not be married" I started. Sure it may be too little too late, but I'll fight to win her back.
This isn't about the past. It's about what's going on right now. Or actually, what your wife has going on. If you want her back, you're going about it exactly the wrong way. At least you realize she's gone.

Last weekend we went to see Jesus Christ Superstar and she loved it, singing every word. I then got her the music which she enjoyed. This weekend we are planning to see Kinky Boots downtown.
Sucking up to her this way is like spraying your body with chick repellant. You're feeding her contempt for you, because you are acting with delta/gamma characteristics, which do not create sexual attraction. She thinks if you were really the guy she SHOULD have married, if you were really the soul mate that was meant to be, you should be able to read her mind and instinctively feel the presence of other men on her body and mind. The more you chase, beg, and plead, the more contempt she has until she finally gets rid of you in the cruelest way possible.

If we have been a couple for 30 years, then 3 weeks of misery is a mere fraction that I can endure. We are going to see a therapist and she is going to see one just for herself so she can understand why she has this resentment and what it is.
The therapist isn't going to help you, because you've been breaking all the 16 Commandments for the last 30 years. Go along with it, but realize nothing good is likely to develop from it. What you need to do is put a keylogger on her machine, cell spy on her phone, a GPS and VAR (velcro it to the bottom of the car seat) in her car, and a PI on her a$$ when she goes out of town with her toxic friends for hotel nights discussing teaching.

Behavorially, you need to cool it. If that's you in your avatar, and even if it's not, you need to get a haircut and grow a beard. Change your wardrobe by upgrading it. If you normally get suits at JosABank, switch to Boss. Younger and sharper. Start weight training. Get a flat stomach. Drop the fat. As soon as you get your haircut (tomorrow the barber shops will be open) you need to start going out alone. Look sharp, shoes shined, just head for the door and say, "I'm going out. Be back later." If she wants to know where, just say "not sure. Don't wait up." Be all laid back, smiley, and cool, not gruff. If she says she wants to go, too (highly unlikely, but possible) say, "Sure." Then go somewhere nice and don't talk relationship. Ride the Harley if it's not too cold out. When you get to the place, give the long, slow, to to head scan to any women you see. Don't talk relationship. Be ready to Agree and Amplify. Be cool and relaxed. Be Bond, James Bond.


If we do split up and divirce then I'll move on and look for someone to love. Life is not about spending time playing online scrabble and Farmville, but more about quality time looking longingly into someone else's eyes.
HAHA. You've been having me on! I have to facepalm myself, now!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
Hi Mark -

Da Bears are on a roll........

The awesome CWI Vets have educated you on cheating.

Something else that may be happening:

You may have a "walk-away-wife" on your hands. Research the syndrome.

I guess I was one (22 yrs. of marriage) in my exHusband's eyes but I don't fit the syndrome profile.

WAW - long time faithful, seemingly happy wives who raise children & slowly over the years build up resentment & don't tell the husbands all of their frustrations & unhappiness in A WAY THE HUSBANDS HEAR IT.

When the last child leaves the nest, the wives soon follow. Many husbands are blind-sided by this.

Good luck.
 
1 - 20 of 30 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top