Mark,
Fight the urge to stop reading this before you get to the end. This is all textbook stuff, but I'm sure it will piss you off. Just keep reading and follow the links.
Background. My wife and I have been married 29 years. We have 2 great kids, house and cars are paid off, money in the bank. We've never had any issues with physical abuse or any type of substance abuse.
Wife is 52-55? Kids out of the house?
If so, there's an epidemic of this.
What happened: I noticed my wife was taking care of my sexual needs but said she didn't need anything when I tried to reciprocate.
So you always get off first. That can be good, in the right "F the S out of her" context, but somehow I don't think you're into that scene. How long has that been going on?
Does she say stuff like "I don't anything, baby, it's just for you." Then try to get you off as quickly as possible?
If so, it means she's been sexually devaluing you for however long this has been going on. It means you are a bummer, not a turn on, and may be sexually repellant to her.
My wife lost 50 lbs and looks great.
Do you understand what a bell curve is? For our purposes, it demonstrates that there is pretty standard distribution of traits, behaviors, etc. over the span of a human population, but there are small chances for vast differences out on the tails. I own a physique training studio. MOST of the time, when a woman comes to see me, she's already decided to make a change. She may or may not have already started a new relationship, but she has decided she is going to look for one. The husband is a dead man walking, he just doesn't know it yet. She'll tell you she's lost the weight for herself, but she's also getting rid of you for herself.
I said one day that she could probably fit into her wedding dress and we could renew our vows. She replied "Once was enough". A day later, I calmly told her I was hurt by this and that discussion triggered a bomb inside her.
Translation:
"I already smashed the first set of vows, I'm guilty enough already without taking some more vows I already know I'm going to break."
She started saying she didn't know if she wanted to be married to anyone.
Translation:
"I've got a younger guy who makes me squirm. I can't believe I'm getting these feelings for a kid at my age. Not only did I think I'd lost all interest in sex, I didn't know it could be like this. I know there is no way this young guy would ever marry me, it's just sex, but it's totally worth it. The internet is the greatest."
This is your wife's version of the ILYBINILWY. This means she has no sexual attraction to you, but sees no need to cut you loose, because she may be able to ride her new pony and keep you on the hook as a provider drone. This neutral attitude will change to fury once you confront her over the other men.
She said she needed her space.
Translation:
"Leave me alone so I can meet these men on the internet and arrange for hookups when you're at work."
Now 3 weeks later I haven't heard any I love you's. There are minor hugs and kisses because she knows I need them. This weekend she said "I see you are drowning and need a lifeline, but I can't give you one yet."
Translation:
"You are pathetic and even though I'm cheating on you because you don't turn me on, I want to keep your roof over my head and my hand in your bank account. Plus, it's fun toying with you. Who knew cuckolding you could be so much fun? It's deliciously wicked!"
I know she is dealing with menopause,
Menopause Leads to an Awakened Sex Life in Women.
The kids are grown, so we ARE dealing with the empty nest syndrome. I know over the years I spent more time working when I should have been with the family. I know I said stupid things and she buried it inside and the anger turned into resentment.
This has nothing whatsoever to do with resentment.
It's a loss of physical desire, that leads to ILYBINILWY. We know about the 7 year itch, but it happens again a couple of times in a timeline, including at the empty nest point. Sometimes, the wife thinks she's lost all interest in sex, until it's reignited by Prince Charming.
We have started couples counseling and she is going to try 1-on-1 counseling to uncover whats inside of her. There is no other man...but what it is I have no clue.
If it's not another man that's inside her, it's the desire for one. Don't choose to be clueless.
Starting to feel that maybe she no longer needs a man because her family has moved on...she just needs Scrabble on the iPad and Facebook.
She needs Facebook, because that's where she finds her men.
Its not an affair...of that I am sure. ...She said she spent 20 years taking care of everyone now she wants to do something for herself.
Translation: "I've just discovered the c0ck carousel of 35-year-old divorced men. Now that I've lost all that weight, they will let me RIDE!!"
She has GFs and they love to drive and stay overnight at a hotel and talk about school
(they are all treachers).
Well, that's one thing in her favor, she's a teacher.
It's only the #1 most adulterous female profession. No worries there.
They do Facebook and Scrabble to an almost addiction.
You're puttin' us on, right? You do know
facebook is the #1 Adultery Tool in the cheating wife arsenal, right?
My wife hasn't gone from fatty to foxy, but she lost weight to get off medication and improve her health.
She doesn't have to be what YOU think is foxy, she only has to up her SMV a few notches to get a lot more attention from younger, higher SMV males. The biggest problem I have in my business is women quitting training before they meet their physique goals. Why do they quit before they get that 35-24-36? Because they have already met their real goal, which was to increase their standing a few notches on the Male Attention Meter. When they start reeling in the snakes, the urge to train hard declines. They're getting all the exercise they can handle.
It does seem though that since she/we raised the kids and that part is over that she has little need for "us".
That's because she can cater to every fetish she has (and here you thought she didn't have any) on Facebook and the web. Don't worry, though, she'll let you keep paying the bills as long as you're willing.
I wish I would have done more date-nights yers ago...but we got stuck in a rut taking advantage of each other I think. Once she blew up and told me about wanting to possibly "not be married" I started. Sure it may be too little too late, but I'll fight to win her back.
This isn't about the past. It's about what's going on right now. Or actually, what your wife has going on. If you want her back, you're going about it exactly the wrong way. At least you realize she's gone.
Last weekend we went to see Jesus Christ Superstar and she loved it, singing every word. I then got her the music which she enjoyed. This weekend we are planning to see Kinky Boots downtown.
Sucking up to her this way is like spraying your body with chick repellant. You're feeding her contempt for you,
because you are acting with delta/gamma characteristics, which do not create sexual attraction. She thinks if you were really the guy she SHOULD have married, if you were really the soul mate that was meant to be, you should be able to read her mind and instinctively feel the presence of other men on her body and mind. The more you chase, beg, and plead, the more contempt she has until she finally gets rid of you in the cruelest way possible.
If we have been a couple for 30 years, then 3 weeks of misery is a mere fraction that I can endure. We are going to see a therapist and she is going to see one just for herself so she can understand why she has this resentment and what it is.
The therapist isn't going to help you, because you've been breaking all
the 16 Commandments for the last 30 years. Go along with it, but realize nothing good is likely to develop from it. What you need to do is put a keylogger on her machine, cell spy on her phone, a GPS and VAR (velcro it to the bottom of the car seat) in her car, and a PI on her a$$ when she goes out of town with her toxic friends for hotel nights discussing teaching.
Behavorially, you need to cool it. If that's you in your avatar, and even if it's not, you need to get a haircut and grow a beard. Change your wardrobe by upgrading it. If you normally get suits at JosABank, switch to Boss. Younger and sharper. Start weight training. Get a flat stomach. Drop the fat. As soon as you get your haircut (tomorrow the barber shops will be open) you need to start going out alone. Look sharp, shoes shined, just head for the door and say, "I'm going out. Be back later." If she wants to know where, just say "not sure. Don't wait up." Be all laid back, smiley, and cool, not gruff. If she says she wants to go, too (highly unlikely, but possible) say, "Sure." Then go somewhere nice and don't talk relationship. Ride the Harley if it's not too cold out. When you get to the place, give the long, slow, to to head scan to any women you see. Don't talk relationship. Be ready to Agree and Amplify. Be cool and relaxed. Be Bond, James Bond.
If we do split up and divirce then I'll move on and look for someone to love. Life is not about spending time playing online scrabble and Farmville, but more about quality time looking longingly into someone else's eyes.
HAHA. You've been having me on! I have to facepalm myself, now!
