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Discussion Starter #1
There's a new game in town! And everybody can play, WS's and BS's alike. It's called," badmouthing the AP" and seems like a lot of fun. There are a lot of interesting aspects to it and apparently can be very rewarding. Now I don't know much about the woman's side of it, where it's the H who's the cheater and the AP is an OW, but I've lived the men's portion and so will only talk about that. If you Betrayed Ladies have anything to add , feel free.
For the WW, by dissing your former lover, you are showing loyalty (belated) to your Hubby, and easing your guilt at the same time. A win-win situation, if I've ever seen it. Does anybody remember the old Flip Wilson skits? "The Devil made me do it!!" If the guilt and remorse gets too bad, you can always use it as a "get out of jail free", card. "Honey, it was that smooth-talking,_fill in the blanks_________ OM, who seduced me from you and gave me the attention I craved. . So lets badmouth him together and that will show I've learned my lesson, and am really the unspoiled, good wife I always was. And besides, the sex wasn't nearly as good as it is with you."
For the Bh, it's a chance to regain your manhood, and show what a tough guy you really are. " I would love to beat that SOB's ass, for showing me up, like he did." What I would like ALL of you BH's to remember is that whatever YOU think of the OM, and whatever your WW tells you about the OM, She (your ww) thought enough of him, to have sex with him ( or have an illicit relationship)for a prolonged period of time, so apparently he does possess at least some good qualities.
So lets all take the easy way out and play the "(Blame the OP game) so we can rug-sweep the real issues of our marriage and "let go", of our justifiable anger. I'm not excusing myself, in this. I played the game too, until I finally learned the most valuable lesson of all, the guy I have to answer to is the one that looks back at me when I shave.....all the rest is just .....game playing. See ya'll later.
 

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I guess my FWH is unique....he does not say anything good or bad about MOW. Just that he is sorry it happened. I do call her a twat tickler, but that is because of her video and the fact that we share the same name. I do think a married couple uses this tactic to survive together. While it is normal, it should not become the basis for closure. I am glad you have moved on from that stage.
 

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I think there is a world of difference between the WS dissing the AP and blaming them for the A. Compared to the WS dissing the AP because they realize that when you act like a dysfunctional, selfish loser that you attract that into your life.

In my situation, my H said the A never felt right but he was caught up in the attention and sex because our relationship was in bad shape and our M was sexless. I too thought about leaving even prior to the start of the A.

Once the A was in full swing, he said the toxic nature of the whole thing started to creep into his thoughts. He said that's when you become poisoned by the guilt and the betrayal and it dawns on you what you have become...

When you realize that when you act in a selfish, petty, immature manner that you attract that into your life, is when you see the AP for who they truly are...

My H said that in hindsight, there were signs that the AP was a bad person by the way she talked about her friends and family. BUT in the midst of the A, you ignore the signs because you are getting your needs met so you justify it all.

When that eats aways at your soul, you start to see the truth that you denied for so long.

Is that rugsweeping? I don't believe that it is...It's a realization that an A does not solve problems, it only creates them and that the type of person to become involved with a married person is toxic and can only stunt your emotional growth.

As long as the BS realizes that what is said about the AP can also be said about their WS, it is not rugsweeping.

It's also telling how an AP acts after D-day or when they are dumped. If they are told the A is over but they come after the WS or the BS in an attempt to seek revenge, to me that indicates that are an even worse person than the WS.

I get your point though.

If my H had blamed his AP for the affair, we would not be in R. He has never blamed her. He told her he should have never gotten involved with her, and it needed to end. Her response was that it had started and so that was an indication it was meant to be. She did not care that he said he regretted it, wanted it over, and wanted his marriage. She continued to beg, plead, threaten and cry. So at that point, intervering in our M became all her fault.

BTW, I like the posts from the people who are anti-R even though I'm in R. They make me think. And they keep me asking the right questions of myself and my FWS.
 

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I've got to commend both of you for speaking out about this subject. Most of the posters in R wouldn't touch this issue with a 10 foot pole, because they would then have to look at themselves in a critical light.
 

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I don't recall every blaming the OW for the affair. Do I have pet names for her? Sure. I have them for other people too LMAO.

One thing that is odd with my scenario, is that the OW, her H, my H and I all sat down and skyped. This was a good faith effort from the OW and her H, and I happily agreed. Not once during that two hour conversation did I blame anything on her. As a matter of fact, her and my H were so busy throwing one another under the bus, that her H and I said very little. We asked some questions and the OW would answer me, or my H would answer her H. For what it was, it was very civilized.

In the end I believe that my H and the OW are both responsible ( there was no foul play, they both knew the other was married and they both chose to violate their own vows) and owe their remorse to only their spouse. I don't expect apologies from her,and I don't want them either.

If she was someone I knew for years and years, I would probably feel differently.
 

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You made a good point, Dawn. The WS is not one iota better than the OM/OW, and if the OM/OW is single then the WS is a great deal worse, not to mention a hypocrite.
 

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I know my wife is 100% responsible for stepping out of our marriage and sleeping with someone else but I would still love to kick the OM'S a** for his role in the affair. He knew damn well she was married and to top it all off he's a cop. He should be held to a higher standard IMO.

Sigh...time to go to the shooting range. BRB lol


I wanted to add. I know fighting solves nothing but it would damn sure make me feel better knowing I caused him some pain. If only in a physical sense.
 
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In the end I believe that my H and the OW are both responsible ( there was no foul play, they both knew the other was married and they both chose to violate their own vows) and owe their remorse to only their spouse. I don't expect apologies from her,and I don't want them either.

Exactly. The xOW in my case should have been worried about her H and her two young daughters AND her apology to them, instead of crying about how it had all been so unfair to her. And an apology from her would have made me laugh. Instead she sent me an email telling me I must be feeling insecure and fat (I'm skinny as I rail so that was especially comical) because my H had cheated. I saw her photo. Not likely. If she actually apologized, I would know it was disingenuous.

I find it hard to understand these OW/OM who think they are owed an apology. Are they really that dumb? How did they think an A was going to end? It's like these people live in lalafairyland or got stuck in the mindset of HS students. Actually that's an insult to HS students because even my teenage daughter said how pathetic and desperate is a woman to call a married man's house who had children because he doesn't want her and beg and cry like some insecure 13 year old girl over a sleazy affair. But again, it goes back to the issue of many cheaters being selfish or narcissists (at least temporarily) because in their minds, it's all about them.
 

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There's a new game in town! And everybody can play, WS's and BS's alike. It's called," badmouthing the AP" and seems like a lot of fun. There are a lot of interesting aspects to it and apparently can be very rewarding. Now I don't know much about the woman's side of it, where it's the H who's the cheater and the AP is an OW, but I've lived the men's portion and so will only talk about that. If you Betrayed Ladies have anything to add , feel free.
For the WW, by dissing your former lover, you are showing loyalty (belated) to your Hubby, and easing your guilt at the same time. A win-win situation, if I've ever seen it. Does anybody remember the old Flip Wilson skits? "The Devil made me do it!!" If the guilt and remorse gets too bad, you can always use it as a "get out of jail free", card. "Honey, it was that smooth-talking,_fill in the blanks_________ OM, who seduced me from you and gave me the attention I craved. . So lets badmouth him together and that will show I've learned my lesson, and am really the unspoiled, good wife I always was. And besides, the sex wasn't nearly as good as it is with you."
For the Bh, it's a chance to regain your manhood, and show what a tough guy you really are. " I would love to beat that SOB's ass, for showing me up, like he did." What I would like ALL of you BH's to remember is that whatever YOU think of the OM, and whatever your WW tells you about the OM, She (your ww) thought enough of him, to have sex with him ( or have an illicit relationship)for a prolonged period of time, so apparently he does possess at least some good qualities.
So lets all take the easy way out and play the "(Blame the OP game) so we can rug-sweep the real issues of our marriage and "let go", of our justifiable anger. I'm not excusing myself, in this. I played the game too, until I finally learned the most valuable lesson of all, the guy I have to answer to is the one that looks back at me when I shave.....all the rest is just .....game playing. See ya'll later.
Ouchly.
 

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Both my affair partners were single (well, separated and divorced), and neither one did a thing to "lure" me away from my marriage. Yes, they probably could have done something more to respect the idea of marriage, but it truly was a case of "if it wasn't them, it would be someone else". I suspect this is the case more often than admitted; it would be much easier to point the finger at someone outside the marriage who could take the blame so a reconciliation could begin, if that's what was desired. But as a married person, the decision to have an affair fell entirely on my shoulders, as does the shame and blame.

C
 

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Both my affair partners were single (well, separated and divorced), and neither one did a thing to "lure" me away from my marriage. Yes, they probably could have done something more to respect the idea of marriage, but it truly was a case of "if it wasn't them, it would be someone else". I suspect this is the case more often than admitted; it would be much easier to point the finger at someone outside the marriage who could take the blame so a reconciliation could begin, if that's what was desired. But as a married person, the decision to have an affair fell entirely on my shoulders, as does the shame and blame.

C
Big post PB. Again, ouchly when you look these things straight in the eye.
 

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Yikes. Conflicting memories.

Wife told me what a POS OM was, yet told me how nice he was. It was as if she knew he was a POS, but that didn't matter to her.

She seemed a little surprised that his then current wife did not like my wife (his ex lover) very much. No! Really?!:rolleyes:
 

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I have really grown to hate the OM. I know, and my wife knows, that she shoulders 100% of the blame for cheating on me. Yes the OM was an opportunistic ****ing pig of a predator, married himself, and knows exactly what its like to raise kids alone. My wife wondered why her choice made me so mad, because to her, it wasn't about me personally, just that he gave her attention she was craving in a way she had come to think I could not. I've known from shortly after I discovered the affair that the posom wasn't my problem, never wad. My problem was me, which is good, because I can control me, and fix my problem.

Still, I'd be happy to **** with his life, upset his stability, and I do here and there, because he chose me, when he chose my wife, and I want to make him regret that more than anything he had ever or will ever do.
 

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I want to dis the OP. It's irrational. Yet I listened for months to my wife tell me about this really nice guy who's really a victim because his wife left him after 25 years and he's just a nice guy. A nice guy who invited my wife to the beach after the bars closed down. Who in his first phone conversation with my wife expounded on his wonderful oral technique and inquired as to my wife's preferences and marital aids. But still, a really good guy. I'd like to meet him one day.
 

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I wanted exactly what WW acheived; complete indiference, no head space for OM. It toke some time thou.
I never felty insecure, never compared myself to MOM, he had nothing, nothing over me. A complete loser. Never needed my wife in order to "build" myself up. She's ashamed of herself for her choice of AP.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I wanted exactly what WW acheived; complete indiference, no head space for OM. It toke some time thou.
I never felty insecure, never compared myself to MOM, he had nothing, nothing over me. A complete loser. Never needed my wife in order to "build" myself up. She's ashamed of herself for her choice of AP.
Hi guys, back for a quick visit. Hey , Acabado, Who would have been a "good" choice for your wife's AP? Is there such a thing?
 

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I want to dis the OP. It's irrational. Yet I listened for months to my wife tell me about this really nice guy who's really a victim because his wife left him after 25 years and he's just a nice guy. A nice guy who invited my wife to the beach after the bars closed down. Who in his first phone conversation with my wife expounded on his wonderful oral technique and inquired as to my wife's preferences and marital aids. But still, a really good guy. I'd like to meet him one day.
See, Harken, this is my question. Both you and MattMatt and a great many others are spending too much energy blaming the OM/OW, when it wasn't them who betrayed you , was it? So, NOW , your WS will diss the hell out of them and throw their asses under the bus, all the while , CLAIMING to be remorseful. To me, this is beneath contempt. Too many WS's have dodged the bullet, by doing this, and too many BS will believe them. Does this sound smart to you guys?
 
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