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Hey guys. I was curious to how you deal with disappointment in your marriage. I have been with my husband for 11 years and when I met him he was adventurous and active he surfed, worked out, and enjoyed outdoor activities. When I met my husband he also gambled here and there but it wasnt a problem. Fast forward 10 years we are in our 30s now with two kids. He never works out, he gambles to the point that its hurting us financially. He also collects sports memorabilia which is a costly hobby but he insists it will pay off eventually. His new love is collecting sports cards which he places all through our house they are in our hallway, kitchen, coffee table, pretty much all over our house and iv told him how much it bugs me to have clutter like this and that he can pick a room and keep that room the designated spot for all his clutter and cards but he doesnt listen to me. I'm just getting tired of nagging and he says all I do is nag but I cant help but feel he has developed some terrible habits and that they are becoming a real issue in our marriage. He works full time and so do I, although I usually work more hours. Hes also a great father. How can I resolve this issue without constantly nagging and being labeled a nag? TIA
 

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Hes also a great father.
he gambles to the point that its hurting us financially.
One, or the other, of these statements is true. A man who is a good father does not endanger his kids' future and his family finances so he can act irresponsibly and selfishly.

is a costly hobby but he insists it will pay off eventually.
Most likely....not.
 

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Not a lot you can do about his becoming sedentary. You can encourage him to get off the couch w/ you, but it's bascially up to him.

Do you have a budget, i.e. how to share expenses? You want something that says how the two of you pay all the household and kid's expenses and what each of you gets to blow on whatever. His gambling and sports stuff is in the "blown" category, don't believe the stuff about a payout. It does happen, but everyone who gets money out of those things gets it from someone like them who put it in. And of course a lot of $$ simply makes a one-way trip from the sucker to the manufacturer or bookmaker.

It sounds like you're being very reasonable regarding his baseball cards and he just isn't respecting your wishes. Explain that if he would listen when you ask him nicely, you would never get around to nagging.

This may be simply annoying, but I would be concerned about the financial stuff, that he is running up credit cards to finance his vices. Being married, I think you are justified in demanding to know about any debts he's incurred. I think if he lets you see his credit report, that ought to do it.
 

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It sounds like you probably got married when you were in your mid twenties. Some people change a lot from 25 to early 30s and develop habits they didn't have before (and that you couldn't imagine previously) as they get older. It's too bad he isn't open to listening to your concerns.

Thus the crapshoot of marriage.
 

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One, or the other, of these statements is true. A man who is a good father does not endanger his kids' future and his family finances so he can act irresponsibly and selfishly.



Most likely....not.
Thank you for your response. Hes had this collection thing going for a while and I am yet to see any significant amount of money to paid from it so I'm sure your right. I believe it is selfish of him blowing money in regards to our childrens future. When I say hes a good dad it's because of how involved he is in our kids lives. Hes very caring and makes it a point to be there for our kids no matter what. To know more of the story his dad gambles. I have talked to my.mother in law about this and she has told me it has almost cost them to get divorced but she says she has never gone without a roof over her head and food on the table so she says she decided a long time ago to either leave or stay and she did the latter. Now I know I'm in a different situation then them but I feel like his habits makes him into something I dont respect or want to be around. I get people change I'm just having a hard time trying to accept these changes and try to navigate through them :cautious:
 

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So you both work full time and you work MORE hours, yet Mr. Wonderful has no problem blowing the money you help earn on his ignorant and childish baseball cards and/or blowing it in the casino.

He's quite the catch.

And then you actually claim he's a 'great' father. 🙄

"Great" fathers don't risk the financial security of their children's homes with their greedy, selfish STUPIDITY in blowing money you don't HAVE so he can satisfy some childish need he has for silly sports crap. And "great" fathers sure as Hell DON'T blow money out at the BlackJack table that's SUPPOSED to be put in their children's college funds.

Not sure what your criteria for a 'great' father is, but by most standards, this fool is not.

Sounds like it's time to sit down with your man-child and have a Come to Jesus talk with him, setting down CONCRETE budgeting rules as well as his expected participation in the actual domestic chores at home. I'm guessing the man-child expects you to do everything inside the house aside from working longer hours than him.

Ugh. He's really the BEST you could do?
 

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Gambling your money away doesn't make him a great protector-provider! Nor does it make him a great father.

He needs to get help. If he doesn't, you will be in the worst way in another 10 years!

You need a man the puts you and the kids ahead of himself. Right now, he is not doing that.

He either changes his WAYS now, or you should kick him to the curb. Easier said than done, I know.

JMHO.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
It sounds like you probably got married when you were in your mid twenties. Some people change a lot from 25 to early 30s and develop habits they didn't have before (and that you couldn't imagine previously) as they get older. It's too bad he isn't open to listening to your concerns.

Thus the crapshoot of marriage.
Thanks I like how you said that's the crapshoot of marriage🤣
 

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So, if you DO stay, you should separate YOUR income into a separate account so that he at least can't blow your money on gambling and collecting (which is a gamble also!).
I agree that he may be good with the kids and making them feel supported, but a good father and husband DOES NOT put his family in financial jeopardy.
 

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If he was an alcoholic would you stay?

If he was on crack, would you stay?

If he was ****ing hookers every Tuesday night and claiming he has a sex addiction, would you stay?

Gambling is just as much an addiction as anything else. This isn't about him "changing"... he's become an addict. Most people would not just "accept" that.
 

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So you both work full time and you work MORE hours, yet Mr. Wonderful has no problem blowing the money you help earn on his ignorant and childish baseball cards and/or blowing it in the casino.

He's quite the catch.

And then you actually claim he's a 'great' father. 🙄

"Great" fathers don't risk the financial security of their children's homes with their greedy, selfish STUPIDITY in blowing money you don't HAVE so he can satisfy some childish need he has for silly sports crap. And "great" fathers sure as Hell DON'T blow money out at the BlackJack table that's SUPPOSED to be put in their children's college funds.

Not sure what your criteria for a 'great' father is, but by most standards, this fool is not.

Sounds like it's time to sit down with your man-child and have a Come to Jesus talk with him, setting down CONCRETE budgeting rules as well as his expected participation in the actual domestic chores at home. I'm guessing the man-child expects you to do everything inside the house aside from working longer hours than him.

Ugh. He's really the BEST you could do?
So, if you DO stay, you should separate YOUR income into a separate account so that he at least can't blow your money on gambling and collecting (which is a gamble also!).
I agree that he may be good with the kids and making them feel supported, but a good father and husband DOES NOT put his family in financial jeopardy.
Thank you for your response. I completely agree with you. We have talked about doing the separate accounts one for Bills and then dividing the money for each of us to spend how we wish with what's left over, but its yet to happen. I probably need to be more aggressive with sorting out our finances. I appreciate your response. Thank you.
 

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If he was an alcoholic would you stay?

If he was on crack, would you stay?

If he was ****ing hookers every Tuesday night and claiming he has a sex addiction, would you stay?

Gambling is just as much an addiction as anything else. This isn't about him "changing"... he's become an addict. Most people would not just "accept" that.
Yeah I have thought about that too. So far financially we are ok. Just a little credit card debt but I could see it getting out of hand with his gambling and we havent saved what I feel like we could. Yeah his sports memorabilia is already costly. Cant do both gamble and collect 🤷‍♀️
 

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he gambles to the point that its hurting us financially.
So far financially we are ok.
I'm confused by those contradictory statements.

Just about half of your post regarded his card collection being all over the house, while I would have expected your main concern to be about the money he spends gambling and collecting, particularly since you said it was hurting financially. But then you later said it wasn't, so I guess that explains why you're not actually that concerned about it.

The way to not be a nag is to stop nagging. I've often wondered about this kind of subject, but I think this is the first time I saw someone post about it.

What I've wondered about is how wifey gets practically the whole house to consider her personal domain, while hubby gets none. She decorates every room the way she wants it. I know men are normally not that great at decorating a home, and they get relegated to the mancave if there is space for him to have one, but why is it wifey gets to complain that he leaves his things around their house? Why aren't the "hallway, kitchen, coffee table, pretty much all over our house" equally his to call home and place his belongings? Does he complain each time you place a new rug, vase, or wall hanging?

I know those things are different and considered decorative, whereas sports cards are not. But my question is why you feel you get to call those shots and veto his choices? You consider them mess, but is he messy, or is it just the sports cards?

More than anything, I'm really just playing devil's advocate here because I would feel the same way you do. It's quite normal for us girls. I remember my mom absolutely HATING that my dad left his newspapers in the living room floor. As a kid, I didn't understand it because they'd be in one or two neat stacks, out of the walkways, and in nobody's way. She just hated they were there in plain view for all to see and they weren't part of her decor LOL. She, on the other hand, would leave books around, but newspapers were a no no. You can see, can't you, that it was really just a matter of her feeling she was supposed to be the one to decide. The livingroom, in her opinion, was her domain and not his. But men didn't have mancaves back in those days, so why was none of the house for him to use is what I wondered.

But, I played devil's advocate to point out that it isn't always advantageous or necessary to sweat the small stuff. So your home isn't as perfect as you'd like with baseball cards sitting around, but it won't hurt to cut hubby some slack, as opposed to allowing it to cause dissension between you. You are now a nag - a label that will be hard to live down in his estimation.

While we're on the subject, you might consider using his collection as a bonding tool. I had a friend who joined her husband in his matchbox collecting. I thought it was so sweet how they would talk about the cars they had and the ones they needed to get, and how she'd correct him or remind him of their latest acquisition. Join your husband in his enthusiasm. I bet he would love for you to share it with him. I bet you would like it too, and you might even start to feel so inclined as to pick him up some kind of nice display case that is to your liking for him to keep on the coffee table or hallway or somewhere. He would think the world of you and not so much of a nag.

Your worlds don't have to collide on every issue you find unpleasant. Sometimes, it's just a matter of changing your attitude, softening your heart, and being considerate of your husband. Decide what is really worth worrying about, what you can do about it, and then leave the rest alone.

Now, go open a separate bank account to be proactive before waking one morning to something really rude. On that same note, sit hubby down and tell him you would like him to deposit x amount of his weekly paycheck into an account for each kid. It could be 3% of his weekly pay for each child, 5%, or whatever you and he agree is reasonable. This could be a way to save money for a rainy day or to start college funds for the kids or to just leave him with less money to jerk off on gambling, while providing for his children's future. Call it whatever you want. Or, you could look into the Gerber life insurance savings plans or some other one.

There are lots of ways to appeal to your man's sensitivities. You just have to learn how to be the wife he needs you to be in order for him to be the husband you need him to be. Just like you want, he also wants a partner in everything. You both just have different ideas of what that looks like. So be his partner in the ways that he needs instead of his nagging wife. Take an interest in one or two of his interests because yours are not more important than his. Enjoy learning about his baseball card collection, and start to see the cooperation you can get.

Read this.....
The Policy of Joint Agreement
 

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Hey guys. I was curious to how you deal with disappointment in your marriage. I have been with my husband for 11 years and when I met him he was adventurous and active he surfed, worked out, and enjoyed outdoor activities. When I met my husband he also gambled here and there but it wasnt a problem. Fast forward 10 years we are in our 30s now with two kids. He never works out, he gambles to the point that its hurting us financially. He also collects sports memorabilia which is a costly hobby but he insists it will pay off eventually. His new love is collecting sports cards which he places all through our house they are in our hallway, kitchen, coffee table, pretty much all over our house and iv told him how much it bugs me to have clutter like this and that he can pick a room and keep that room the designated spot for all his clutter and cards but he doesnt listen to me. I'm just getting tired of nagging and he says all I do is nag but I cant help but feel he has developed some terrible habits and that they are becoming a real issue in our marriage. He works full time and so do I, although I usually work more hours. Hes also a great father. How can I resolve this issue without constantly nagging and being labeled a nag? TIA
There are several things going on here.

One of them is you have not had the courage to actually talk to him about how this is affecting you.

Yeah, you have said some stuff, I get that but you have not had the TALK...

The next thing is, no, he is not a good father, he may look after the kids and love them and you for that matter, but he is being selfish and not setting a good example for the kids.

Great fathers do not engage in gambling in a way that has the potential to hurt the family, kids...

Great fathers don't engage in hobbies in an irresponsible way and clutter up the house and generally be a slob.

Great fathers do not become blobs and show your kids that is it ok to be a slob.

Great fathers do not let the needs and desires of the children's mother go unnoticed and ignored.

See how that works.

Now, you have to decide what you want out of life and have the courage to do something about it, like having a serious adult talk about all of these things. And having him decide if he wants to grow up or get a divorce.

And don't 1) have an affair, 2) deny sex because you are resentful, 3) act pissy around the house because you are resentful... Don't do these things and expect him to pick up the clue that you are fed up.

Talk to him and if he does not change, get out. I don't know any woman that wants to be married to a child. And that is how he is acting...
 

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Is it the money he spends or the quantity of junk he collects a problem?

My wife used to be a, “cheap-shopper” - constantly shopping at Michaels, Nordstrom...etc. All these stores we used to call, “5 and dimes”. Always trying to, “save”, us money buying multiples of junk we did not need.

I told her over and over to stop. She did not. She was in denial. Finally I printed off all the CC bills and highlighted all her, superfluous, shopping events (not essential food stores: Costco, Walmart, Target).

180 days of shopping in a 12 month period....every other day shopping. Thousands of dollars. The shopping drastically reduced. Did not end....but reduced. Most of it I hauled to goodwill.

Shopping can be an addiction. Known many who cannot control the spending. It is right up there with Drug/Alcohol and Sex addiction. No set pattern one person to the other. Yet, the person themself will almost also have a goal oriented pattern. Often it is learned....my wives parents are huge shoppers.

Maybe if you present your husband the objective facts he might, “wake up”. The facts are not, YOU, telling him but the, PAPER, telling him.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I'm confused by those contradictory statements.

Just about half of your post regarded his card collection being all over the house, while I would have expected your main concern to be about the money he spends gambling and collecting, particularly since you said it was hurting financially. But then you later said it wasn't, so I guess that explains why you're not actually that concerned about it.

The way to not be a nag is to stop nagging. I've often wondered about this kind of subject, but I think this is the first time I saw someone post about it.

What I've wondered about is how wifey gets practically the whole house to consider her personal domain, while hubby gets none. She decorates every room the way she wants it. I know men are normally not that great at decorating a home, and they get relegated to the mancave if there is space for him to have one, but why is it wifey gets to complain that he leaves his things around their house? Why aren't the "hallway, kitchen, coffee table, pretty much all over our house" equally his to call home and place his belongings? Does he complain each time you place a new rug, vase, or wall hanging?

I know those things are different and considered decorative, whereas sports cards are not. But my question is why you feel you get to call those shots and veto his choices? You consider them mess, but is he messy, or is it just the sports cards?

More than anything, I'm really just playing devil's advocate here because I would feel the same way you do. It's quite normal for us girls. I remember my mom absolutely HATING that my dad left his newspapers in the living room floor. As a kid, I didn't understand it because they'd be in one or two neat stacks, out of the walkways, and in nobody's way. She just hated they were there in plain view for all to see and they weren't part of her decor LOL. She, on the other hand, would leave books around, but newspapers were a no no. You can see, can't you, that it was really just a matter of her feeling she was supposed to be the one to decide. The livingroom, in her opinion, was her domain and not his. But men didn't have mancaves back in those days, so why was none of the house for him to use is what I wondered.

But, I played devil's advocate to point out that it isn't always advantageous or necessary to sweat the small stuff. So your home isn't as perfect as you'd like with baseball cards sitting around, but it won't hurt to cut hubby some slack, as opposed to allowing it to cause dissension between you. You are now a nag - a label that will be hard to live down in his estimation.

While we're on the subject, you might consider using his collection as a bonding tool. I had a friend who joined her husband in his matchbox collecting. I thought it was so sweet how they would talk about the cars they had and the ones they needed to get, and how she'd correct him or remind him of their latest acquisition. Join your husband in his enthusiasm. I bet he would love for you to share it with him. I bet you would like it too, and you might even start to feel so inclined as to pick him up some kind of nice display case that is to your liking for him to keep on the coffee table or hallway or somewhere. He would think the world of you and not so much of a nag.

Your worlds don't have to collide on every issue you find unpleasant. Sometimes, it's just a matter of changing your attitude, softening your heart, and being considerate of your husband. Decide what is really worth worrying about, what you can do about it, and then leave the rest alone.

Now, go open a separate bank account to be proactive before waking one morning to something really rude. On that same note, sit hubby down and tell him you would like him to deposit x amount of his weekly paycheck into an account for each kid. It could be 3% of his weekly pay for each child, 5%, or whatever you and he agree is reasonable. This could be a way to save money for a rainy day or to start college funds for the kids or to just leave him with less money to jerk off on gambling, while providing for his children's future. Call it whatever you want. Or, you could look into the Gerber life insurance savings plans or some other one.

There are lots of ways to appeal to your man's sensitivities. You just have to learn how to be the wife he needs you to be in order for him to be the husband you need him to be. Just like you want, he also wants a partner in everything. You both just have different ideas of what that looks like. So be his partner in the ways that he needs instead of his nagging wife. Take an interest in one or two of his interests because yours are not more important than his. Enjoy learning about his baseball card collection, and start to see the cooperation you can get.

Read this.....
The Policy of Joint Agreement
Interesting perspective. Yes I was contradicting our finances. It's like this, if there is cash in the bank that is cash that can be used on gambling or buying more things for his hobby. Now if any of this was cheap I could see why someone would say to get involved with him and his hobby. Which by the way I have and I have gotten display cases for him and cards for him many of times. My husband and I are both professionals, went to school got our bachelor's and credentials but we dont make enough money to spend like he spends on his hobby and gambling. His motto is "it's just money" you always make it and it will come and go. Sounds to me he has a very unhealthy and delusional view point on how to spend money. We have been together 10 years and while I have seen him stop gambling for a few months here and there it seems to be a problem for him. He doesnt go to the casino either it's all done online gambling. For example he will bet 1000 in one weekend and lose the money. Well now it's time to sell one of his signed jerseys or cards to get that money back. But guess how he got that card or jersey to begin with?? By using our combined income! It drives me nuts! It's just hard because I know I'm constantly nagging at him about gambling and not cleaning or picking up his cards that are all over the house. In my opinion hes an addict and hes bored especially because the quarentine. And truthfully I feel that I do not make him a better person, and maybe he doesnt make me a better person 😔
 

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he has a very unhealthy and delusional view point on how to spend money

Correct. You must act according to this. Do not allow an unhealthy and delusional person to control your family finances, in any kind of total sense. He can't spend what he ain't got. Make sure he doesn't "got" any that isn't 100% disposable to your family.

And truthfully I feel that I do not make him a better person, and maybe he doesnt make me a better person
Both of your statements are indeed true. Any person becomes a better (or worse) person based upon his own actions, not the actions of another. You have no responsibility whatsoever to "make him a better person". You have the responsibility to make yourself a better person and to demonstrate how one does that to your children.

And, you can do this in spite of your husband's irresponsibility. I'm sorry that it has to be this way, I agree that it shouldn't be, and that it is unfair. I was faced, in a prior marriage, with relatively the same set of circumstances. I made a decision. I understood that I could "have an unfair, rotten marriage and be broke"....or I could "have an unfair, rotten marriage". Those were my two choices. You need to make yours. From my experience, things got better for me beginning on the day I had my paycheck sent to MY OWN bank account. I am now able to live in semi-retirement with 2 houses and zero mortgages. Tragically, my shopaholic wife did not live into her retirement, but if she had, she would have had the same privilege.

hes an addict and hes bored
You are quite correct, again. He is addicted to the thrills of gambling, and of getting his favorite memorabilia. And, he lacks the self-discipline and the moral fiber to say no to himself. "Addiction" in this sense, is not a "sickness". It is a SIN.
 
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