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"BUT I don't trust her, I don't trust it was just the kiss and few hook ups she admitted too so I have the old phone ready to Dr fone and have all the other evidence off site."

So, is she insisting it was just a kiss, or does she admit the hookups were a PA?
 

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. Thing is that I get most of her points....this didn't happen in a vacuum and she's never done something like this before. She had real feeling for the guy so it wasn't a meaningless fling.

So.. I forgive her the lies and the affair. Truly I do...BUT I don't trust her, I don't trust it was just the kiss and few hook ups she admitted too so I have the old phone ready to Dr fone and have all the other evidence off site.
Exposure aside, you can forgive her, but why do you have such low expectations? Such low self-esteem? It's forgivable, understandable because it didn't happen in a vacuum and she had real feelings for this guy? That is nuts. Unless you like the role of cuckold. If you have a pair, stop thinking this way.
 

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Righto... So did the expose to WW tonight. There were all the trademarks I've read here, lot of tears (none mine).. Lot of blame shifting about cause of affair but none about the snooping on her phone at least.

. Thing is that I get most of her points....this didn't happen in a vacuum and she's never done something like this before. She had real feeling for the guy so it wasn't a meaningless fling.

So.. I forgive her the lies and the affair. Truly I do...BUT I don't trust her, I don't trust it was just the kiss and few hook ups she admitted too so I have the old phone ready to Dr fone and have all the other evidence off site.

She might warn OM.. She said she won't and OM has a daughter he doesn't see much with him for a week so I do believe her. I'm still totally 180, but did try and give her some comfort when she was upset which seems a bit too nice guy of me but anyway. So I'm going to go back and check the old phone and IF she wasn't lying tonight... Then I'm going to consider not exposing the whole thing. (except to OMW-OM )

R is definitely off the table for now... Can't file D down here for 12 months post separation but we'll get that ball rolling in 2 weeks..

Thanks for advice on both exposing and the no more Mr nice guy book.. That's been a interesting revelation into my own head.
If she admitted she has "real" feelings for POS, that means this is much worse than you think. A few hook ups means they've been banging like rabbits for much longer than you think.

For you to talk about already forgiving her is ridiculous. Also, you should know she has already called her "man" to warn him. Her loyalty is not to you. She is your wife on paper but her heart and body is his.

The best plan of attack was to confront POS in person. He's not your "mate." He's wrecking your kids' family life. Blow his $hit up. Then hit WW with ultimatum with separation papers ready for delivery if needed.
 

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It seems that some people do not fully grasp what forgiveness is, or what it can be.

OP may well forgive his wife.

But this does not mean that he will stay married to her.

It runs like this: "Yes, I forgive you. But please GTFO of my life. NOW!"
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Discussion Starter #107 (Edited)
It seems that some people do not fully grasp what forgiveness is, or what it can be.

OP may well forgive his wife.

But this does not mean that he will stay married to her.

It runs like this: "Yes, I forgive you. But please GTFO of my life. NOW!"
Posted via Mobile Device
Precisely - I forgive her, but that does not mean I am going to R.. For one, I'm no puritan, I have never cheated on my wife but have crossed lines of "text" intimacy with other women before, not in a sexual way but probably wouldnt like my wife to have read them so they were no doubt inappropriate. That is NOT excusing her behavior - that is me not being so morally high handed to say that I don't understand why she's done what she is done. Life is not black and white - she's a cheater so she's deserves all my hell fire and brimstone?? That is for those who are just angry with life, and I am not angry with my life - I am furious with this situation - furious with WW and OM... Butit is not a sign of weakness to be able to see both sides of this fence. Not in my mind anyway


Not exactly, they'll be back together and HE will be reconciling. She'll just let him delude himself.
.. I guess both the beauty and beast of forums is that people providing advice and comment don't really know the other people. I won't be letting myself be deluded about anything. Once you realise that someone can lie to you so well it is basically impossible to trust them again - I am not someone that will bury my head in the sand and believe all is well if it isnt. And I won't stay married to someone who I don't trust - I am not sure that you can ever get that trust back frankly.. So the path to D is pretty well set.


so, is she insisting it was just a kiss, or does she admit the hookups were a PA?
... Yep she is insisting that is the case, I've gone back and checked everything as far back as i can now without doing the doctor fone thing - so about 4 weeks prior to DD. And it does appear that I found it all out a couple of days after a first kiss - its probably hard to explain without posting the whole text conversation but i can see the discussion about where too meet, reads like the first meeting (on wifes early dog walk and his way to work) -- then where they met a few times - and then after maybe the 3rd meeting a "I will never forget that kiss" from him. Now - what another poster has said here is actually as much the issue.. it may not have been a full on PA - but it was a EA for sure and what i did was probably blow up the PA before it happened rather than that it wouldnt have happened. It was clear he was going to be happy to continue to meet up.. So, I suspect that the fact she has feelings for him hasnt gone away.


She's lying and has likely already warned him.
/.. This I suspect might be true -- another topic thats come up a bit is that I should be going straight to OM and OMW... frankly I am enjoying the fact that either a) she's told him and he's s**ting himself about me revealing to OMW -- all while he has his daughter with him that he rarely see's OR b) she hasn't told him but is sh**ting herself about having that conversation with him.

it isn't like her warning him or him having time to sort out a story or the like helps him. I have the evidence - will take one email to unveil it all if I need too. If OMW has the evidence, no matter when she gets it he knows she will use it as an excuse to both kick him out of a house he loves and, with my help be able to do a number other things that will screw him over financially and emotionally big time (not gonna put them even anonymously online). he knows what those outcomes are as well as i do - so him sweating on the fact that I might do it does feel good. I know a lot of people think I should just do it and mess him up - but there are 3 little kids (theirs) involved and no matter what has been done to me I will only do something that ultimately hurts them too if I get a whiff that he is still trying anything with my WW.

So - in the meantime - the 180 continues, though I suspect when i did the expose to her and she was so upset i didnt stick with it very well that night. nevertheless - it is working, not for her, but for me, its been the best piece of advice I have had on here. so will continue with that for another week and then, even if WW has warned OM then I will be confronting him. None of this via email and text message nonesense either. In person - face to face.. My WW doesnt know I have all the evidence, she thinks I have just seen it and its in my memory. I look forward to the look in his eye and on his face when he realises what I have over him.
 

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Precisely - I forgive her, but that does not mean I am going to R.. For one, I'm no puritan, I have never cheated on my wife but have crossed lines of "text" intimacy with other women before, not in a sexual way but probably wouldnt like my wife to have read them so they were no doubt inappropriate. That is NOT excusing her behavior - that is me not being so morally high handed to say that I don't understand why she's done what she is done. Life is not black and white - she's a cheater so she's deserves all my hell fire and brimstone?? That is for those who are just angry with life, and I am not angry with my life - I am furious with this situation - furious with WW and OM... Butit is not a sign of weakness to be able to see both sides of this fence. Not in my mind anyway


.. I guess both the beauty and beast of forums is that people providing advice and comment don't really know the other people. I won't be letting myself be deluded about anything. Once you realise that someone can lie to you so well it is basically impossible to trust them again - I am not someone that will bury my head in the sand and believe all is well if it isnt. And I won't stay married to someone who I don't trust - I am not sure that you can ever get that trust back frankly.. So the path to D is pretty well set.


... Yep she is insisting that is the case, I've gone back and checked everything as far back as i can now without doing the doctor fone thing - so about 4 weeks prior to DD. And it does appear that I found it all out a couple of days after a first kiss - its probably hard to explain without posting the whole text conversation but i can see the discussion about where too meet, reads like the first meeting (on wifes early dog walk and his way to work) -- then where they met a few times - and then after maybe the 3rd meeting a "I will never forget that kiss" from him. Now - what another poster has said here is actually as much the issue.. it may not have been a full on PA - but it was a EA for sure and what i did was probably blow up the PA before it happened rather than that it wouldnt have happened. It was clear he was going to be happy to continue to meet up.. So, I suspect that the fact she has feelings for him hasnt gone away.


/.. This I suspect might be true -- another topic thats come up a bit is that I should be going straight to OM and OMW... frankly I am enjoying the fact that either a) she's told him and he's s**ting himself about me revealing to OMW -- all while he has his daughter with him that he rarely see's OR b) she hasn't told him but is sh**ting herself about having that conversation with him.

it isn't like her warning him or him having time to sort out a story or the like helps him. I have the evidence - will take one email to unveil it all if I need too. If OMW has the evidence, no matter when she gets it he knows she will use it as an excuse to both kick him out of a house he loves and, with my help be able to do a number other things that will screw him over financially and emotionally big time (not gonna put them even anonymously online). he knows what those outcomes are as well as i do - so him sweating on the fact that I might do it does feel good. I know a lot of people think I should just do it and mess him up - but there are 3 little kids (theirs) involved and no matter what has been done to me I will only do something that ultimately hurts them too if I get a whiff that he is still trying anything with my WW.

So - in the meantime - the 180 continues, though I suspect when i did the expose to her and she was so upset i didnt stick with it very well that night. nevertheless - it is working, not for her, but for me, its been the best piece of advice I have had on here. so will continue with that for another week and then, even if WW has warned OM then I will be confronting him. None of this via email and text message nonesense either. In person - face to face.. My WW doesnt know I have all the evidence, she thinks I have just seen it and its in my memory. I look forward to the look in his eye and on his face when he realises what I have over him.
You have done nothing really to stop the affair though, why are you waiting to not expose to OMW, doesn't she have the right to know what that POSOM is doing to her?
 

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Discussion Starter #109
You have done nothing really to stop the affair though, why are you waiting to not expose to OMW, doesn't she have the right to know what that POSOM is doing to her?
I have stopped it - well, to the best of my knowledge it has stopped, it stopped the day after the first half arsed DD where I only found out about the text affair and blew that up. I mean - I recognise that I could be being played - I am not a fool and do not trust WW or OM one bit.. I will never know 100% that they havent met up since then. But like I've said before - OM and OMW are a dysfunctional and separated couple. They have not been a couple for years though they share the same house. OMW is a lady who has cheated on OM before and used to make regular passes (all rebuffed) at me so I have no feeling of loyalty to her.

OMW WOULD however be very happy to know, OM has never had proof of her infidelity but if I give her proof of his she will go to town with it.. I am sure that's what worries him most.
 

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It's really not your place to decide what she knows, though. You are letting your history with them color what is right and wrong.

Her husband is cheating on her. She deserves to know. Period. Any other problems that have existed in the marriage before or after are frankly none of your concern at this point.
 

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Sure, she deserves to know. But what is right for her doesnt concern me in the slightest frankly. What is right for my kids and me is the only thing I care about.
 

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As well it should be.

But I'll (gently) disagree with you on how to go about this.

The world is your village. What is right for you and your kids isn't this immediate situation but everyone in it and how it all presents itself to you and you to them. Is doing right by your kids doing what is expedient and hiding everything, or by teaching them that sometimes people need to do what is right, even in the face of difficulty.

One day your kids will no longer have you around. The only thing that you will leave them are memories and the moral character that you have helped shape.

What is right for her should concern you because that's how we should all approach life. Compassion and love don't even exist inside of the confines of marriage vows as you're now finding out. It's what you make of love and compassion if what defines its existence in your life.
 

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... Yep she is insisting that is the case, I've gone back and checked everything as far back as i can now without doing the doctor fone thing - so about 4 weeks prior to DD.
You need to get that done, because for every day that you don't, memory is being overwritten, data is being lost, and any cached backups stored in iCloud (this is, of course, assuming that we're talking about an iPhone) are being retired. Plus she could always delete the backups.
 

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Sure, she deserves to know. But what is right for her doesnt concern me in the slightest frankly. What is right for my kids and me is the only thing I care about.
And if OMW had been the one to find the affair...? You'd want her to tell you, right?

It's the right thing to do.

ETA: Having read this...

I have stopped it - well, to the best of my knowledge it has stopped, it stopped the day after the first half arsed DD where I only found out about the text affair and blew that up. I mean - I recognise that I could be being played - I am not a fool and do not trust WW or OM one bit.. I will never know 100% that they havent met up since then. But like I've said before - OM and OMW are a dysfunctional and separated couple. They have not been a couple for years though they share the same house. OMW is a lady who has cheated on OM before and used to make regular passes (all rebuffed) at me so I have no feeling of loyalty to her.

OMW WOULD however be very happy to know, OM has never had proof of her infidelity but if I give her proof of his she will go to town with it.. I am sure that's what worries him most.
...I'm a bit more inclined to say, "LOL. To Hell w/ OMW."

Still, if you feel that exposing the affair to OMW would further squash the affair, definitely do it.
 
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Discussion Starter #115
You need to get that done, because for every day that you don't, memory is being overwritten, data is being lost, and any cached backups stored in iCloud (this is, of course, assuming that we're talking about an iPhone) are being retired. Plus she could always delete the backups.
all good - its an android that isnt being used anymore. It has a busted screen so she has no idea how to even get into it to to delete backups. You can use a mouse on an android with the right connection so I'm all ok there.

And if OMW had been the one to find the affair...? You'd want her to tell you, right?

It's the right thing to do.
As well it should be.

But I'll (gently) disagree with you on how to go about this.

The world is your village. What is right for you and your kids isn't this immediate situation but everyone in it and how it all presents itself to you and you to them. Is doing right by your kids doing what is expedient and hiding everything, or by teaching them that sometimes people need to do what is right, even in the face of difficulty.

One day your kids will no longer have you around. The only thing that you will leave them are memories and the moral character that you have helped shape.

What is right for her should concern you because that's how we should all approach life. Compassion and love don't even exist inside of the confines of marriage vows as you're now finding out. It's what you make of love and compassion if what defines its existence in your life
Two persuasive arguments I grant you both. I'll think on it over the next couple of days... It is not that I will find it hard to expose to OMW, part of me relishes it.. But they have 3 kids, 1 of which is my 5 year olds best friend and its exactly the thought of what my and our kids will learn from or be exposed to in this situation that drives my thinking. It has felt selfish to go all out on the situation - like that do many would be caught in the crossfire of me satisfying my own desire for revenge. But I am beginning to see it another way - it hasnt felt like fear that has stopped me exposing, but maybe I am justifying my fear about what exposure may cause by couching it in terms of "i'm doing it for the kids". Last thing I want is to use them as a shield for my own fears.

but also - the next last thing I want to do is to mess up kids in such formative ages with uncontrolled anger and spitefulness.
 

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all good - its an android that isnt being used anymore. It has a busted screen so she has no idea how to even get into it to to delete backups.
This is an even better reason to get it done ASAP, as a busted screen may be indicative of further (i.e. internal) damage to the device.
 

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This is an even better reason to get it done ASAP, as a busted screen may be indicative of further (i.e. internal) damage to the device.
Yeah good point - will retrieve all the old messages tomorrow. Worked fine when I went into it today to get photo's of the non deleted stuff. Will get the whattsapp back ups too.
 

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Yeah good point - will retrieve all the old messages tomorrow. Worked fine when I went into it today to get photo's of the non deleted stuff. Will get the whattsapp back ups too.
It seems like you would have gone into the phone as soon as possible. Are you avoiding bad news?

Normally, I would advise exposing to the OMW also. In this case though, given her cheating ways, I might use it over his head to keep him in line. However, that may backfire either way and actually give him no reason to not pursue your wife. He has already shown no respect for you or marriage.
 

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Wait. So you are NOT reconciling. You are divorcing. Your kid is best friends with their kid. And you think that if you don't tell the OMW she will let your kids still play together, and if you DO tell her, she won't?

Or are you really saying if you tell the OMW she'll divorce him and then your stbx and her stbx will get together?
 

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all good - its an android that isnt being used anymore. It has a busted screen so she has no idea how to even get into it to to delete backups. You can use a mouse on an android with the right connection so I'm all ok there.











Two persuasive arguments I grant you both. I'll think on it over the next couple of days... It is not that I will find it hard to expose to OMW, part of me relishes it.. But they have 3 kids, 1 of which is my 5 year olds best friend and its exactly the thought of what my and our kids will learn from or be exposed to in this situation that drives my thinking. It has felt selfish to go all out on the situation - like that do many would be caught in the crossfire of me satisfying my own desire for revenge. But I am beginning to see it another way - it hasnt felt like fear that has stopped me exposing, but maybe I am justifying my fear about what exposure may cause by couching it in terms of "i'm doing it for the kids". Last thing I want is to use them as a shield for my own fears.



but also - the next last thing I want to do is to mess up kids in such formative ages with uncontrolled anger and spitefulness.

What you're doing is not anger and spite.

Exposing the affair to sunlight is something that the victim of infidelity needs to do to 1. Help stop the affair and 2. It's what is right. It's a consequence of the affair. You didn't ask to be cuckolded. You are doing nothing but playing the cards unfortunately dealt to you. The moral obligation for the kids on this one is on your wife and her boyfriend.

But more importantly, your kids are a lot more resilient than you are giving them credit for. Trust that you have raised them right and they will be fine. My kids have changed schools four times in five years due to the nature of my employment and they are super happy and well-adjusted.
 
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