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Translation: I'm not going to answer your questions.
He read the responses. He took the advise that best helped him. He tossed the rest. That is what we are supposed to do in a forum like TAM.


He is done, and his resolve is what's best for him and his wife.

A 47 year marriage has weathered this storm. That is great and very hopeful news.
 

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He read the responses. He took the advise that best helped him.
No, he took the minority advice that agreed with him.

A 47 year marriage has weathered this storm.
I doubt it. She has permanently scarred their relationship. Maybe he will get past it, maybe he won't. I'd bet most of us here hope that he does. He's chosen a path of "Ignore it and it will go away", like my grandmother did with her cancer, may she rest in peace.

His answers to questions asked here might be helpful to other people who read this thread in the future. The forum is supposed to be give and take.

Oh, well. C'est la vie.
 

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I hear what you're saying. l don't know the answers to those questions and yes it still bothers me. I want to believe that her response to "just deal with it", is her defense mechanism...after she saw my hurt, she apologized profusely. I believe her when she says she is so sorry for hurting me but since I keep bringing it up, she doesn't know what else to say or do. So I think it's her defense mechanism kicking in. I guess, at this point, I can only evaluate it from a "happiness" standpoint. So I've come to the conclusion that the real questions are, all things considered, how happy/content/satisfied has she made me feel for 47 years and how happy/content/satisfied does she make me feel today? I guess for me, ultimately, that's what matters. Maybe I am a sap, but looking back at all things about our life together, the love I have felt coming from her and her demeaner towards other people, I would truly bet my life that she has been faithful ever since she said "I do". I know, it's just a "gut feeling", there are no certainties, but that's where I'm coming out. Ragnar provided me what I needed, an assessment/opinion from a uninvolved third party of what I WANT to believe. So at this point in my life, 71 years old, with Ragnar's affirmation that this is a reasonable explanation. I'm going with that. Again, maybe I'm being a sap or a doormat. If that's the case, then so be it, because for 47 years since the "I do", I have absolutely no doubt that she's loved me. Thanks to this discussion I think I've achieved closure.
jmo.
I’d feel very similarly to you. I’d be beyond hurt. I’d want answers. She’s stonewalling you. Look up the term.
If you feel she’s never cheated, you may be right. She would have been distant with you or stopped having sexual with you for a while, because r most likely some other sign you’d have picked up on.

It still bothers you. You’ve chosen to rugsweep this. That may very well be successful, if you can compartmentalize it and choke it down. I suspect it’s gong to eat in you and come up again in an argument.
The smart thing to do would go talk to a therapist or someone accustomed to dealing with these things and get to a point that you can get a handle on it.
But either way, if you’ve truly gotten closure, I wish you luck.
Once again, I’m very jealous you have a wife you love of 47 years. Few people do.
 

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I hear what you're saying. l don't know the answers to those questions and yes it still bothers me. I want to believe that her response to "just deal with it", is her defense mechanism...after she saw my hurt, she apologized profusely. I believe her when she says she is so sorry for hurting me but since I keep bringing it up, she doesn't know what else to say or do. So I think it's her defense mechanism kicking in. I guess, at this point, I can only evaluate it from a "happiness" standpoint. So I've come to the conclusion that the real questions are, all things considered, how happy/content/satisfied has she made me feel for 47 years and how happy/content/satisfied does she make me feel today? I guess for me, ultimately, that's what matters. Maybe I am a sap, but looking back at all things about our life together, the love I have felt coming from her and her demeaner towards other people, I would truly bet my life that she has been faithful ever since she said "I do". I know, it's just a "gut feeling", there are no certainties, but that's where I'm coming out. Ragnar provided me what I needed, an assessment/opinion from a uninvolved third party of what I WANT to believe. So at this point in my life, 71 years old, with Ragnar's affirmation that this is a reasonable explanation. I'm going with that. Again, maybe I'm being a sap or a doormat. If that's the case, then so be it, because for 47 years since the "I do", I have absolutely no doubt that she's loved me. Thanks to this discussion I think I've achieved closure.
Glad you were not a drive by poster and I'm glad you feel closure.

No one path is a fit for everyone. If I was in your shoes, I don't think I would leave her either but I would require her to talk about it and she would probably get a spankin or two out of the deal.😉

I'm glad @Ragnar Ragnasson , the old rascal, had the path you needed.😁🤠
 

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Glad you were not a drive by poster and I'm glad you feel closure.

No one path is a fit for everyone. If I was in your shoes, I don't think I would leave her either but I would require her to talk about it and she would probably get a spankin or two out of the deal.😉
There appears to be more to the story. Cajun posted other information in another thread. It's not particularly related to the deception, but it's related to the marriage.
 

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And he is still staying... :unsure:
Well, that's okay. It's his choice. I can understand getting past something stupid she did 47 years ago. My issue is her concealing it (plus other things, likely) for so long. Why tell now? That's what a lot of us struggle with.
 

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Cajun, glad you came back.

Why don't you take Ragnar's advice and just go give your wife a hug and let all of this go.

Maybe go take her for ice cream afterwards and the two of you can share a big laugh about her betrayal and lying about it for 47 years. Nothing to see here....move along.
 

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Cajun, glad you came back.

Why don't you take Ragnar's advice and just go give your wife a hug and let all of this go.

Maybe go take her for ice cream afterwards and the two of you can share a big laugh about her betrayal and lying about it for 47 years. Nothing to see here....move along.
lol indeed.
 

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And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do.
Cajun, in all honesty, and in all the good times and the joy this woman has given you, do your really give a rats azz, 47 years later, about what she done before she became your wife? As I understand it, the chick was 17. A 17 year old chick ain't gonna be able to tell you what was going on in her head 47 years later. She allowed the kid certain liberties and that's the best you're going to get. Who knows, her slip up may had made her a better wife with tighter boundaries. If you could go back a change it, it could very well change the dynamics of your marriage. Don let dis drive you motier foux Boo.
 

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Well Cajun,

I am a little older than you, and I've been married over 50 years, so listen to your elder! :p

I was a fraternity boy in the 60's (think Animal House). I can guarantee you there were some things that I did that would make that movie look tame.:rolleyes:

Sometimes I feel the approach of the grim reaper, and I think maybe I ought to lighten my soul. Then I think, that might make me feel better but it would kick the hell out of my loved ones. I bite my tongue and go on with my life. It's my cross to bear.

And you know what? I'll bet that there are maybe some things that I don't know about my mate of 50+ years. I don't want to hear it.

We have conquered life. We have children that went through tough times and grandchildren that are dealing with life. We have lost many loved ones, and at our age we seem to hear almost weekly of the passing of people we have known all our lives.

i am sorry that your wife felt the need to unburden herself, she should have taken it to the grave.

But Cajun, you two have conquered life together. You have come out on top. I'll bet in 47 years you have faced some pretty tough times together, and I would have to believe that she has had your back many times when you really needed it.

There are a lot of people on TAM that have been through some pretty tough times and have healed, and there are some that have never truly healed and are pretty bitter.

But, we all try to help people get through tough times and we can beat you with some pretty hard 2 X 4's. Some folks need that. Sometimes we put the wood to each other. I wield a pretty big bat myself sometimes.... but we all mean well, and we want to help those who are devastated by some some pretty unbelievable sh1t.

I do think you need to get some individual counseling to help yourself heal. I think you sound like you have a good handle on this, but like I say, it wouldn't hurt to see a professional to talk this through.

Good luck young man(y)
 

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Discussion Starter · #218 ·
Translation: I'm not going to answer your questions.
Well Cajun,

I am a little older than you, and I've been married over 50 years, so listen to your elder! :p

I was a fraternity boy in the 60's (think Animal House). I can guarantee you there were some things that I did that would make that movie look tame.:rolleyes:

Sometimes I feel the approach of the grim reaper, and I think maybe I ought to lighten my soul. Then I think, that might make me feel better but it would kick the hell out of my loved ones. I bite my tongue and go on with my life. It's my cross to bear.

And you know what? I'll bet that there are maybe some things that I don't know about my mate of 50+ years. I don't want to hear it.

We have conquered life. We have children that went through tough times and grandchildren that are dealing with life. We have lost many loved ones, and at our age we seem to hear almost weekly of the passing of people we have known all our lives.

i am sorry that your wife felt the need to unburden herself, she should have taken it to the grave.

But Cajun, you two have conquered life together. You have come out on top. I'll bet in 47 years you have faced some pretty tough times together, and I would have to believe that she has had your back many times when you really needed it.

There are a lot of people on TAM that have been through some pretty tough times and have healed, and there are some that have never truly healed and are pretty bitter.

But, we all try to help people get through tough times and we can beat you with some pretty hard 2 X 4's. Some folks need that. Sometimes we put the wood to each other. I wield a pretty big bat myself sometimes.... but we all mean well, and we want to help those who are devastated by some some pretty unbelievable sh1t.

I do think you need to get some individual counseling to help yourself heal. I think you sound like you have a good handle on this, but like I say, it wouldn't hurt to see a professional to talk this through.

Good luck young man(y)
Skerzoid, that was one of the questions she asked me after she saw my reaction. She asked "Would you wish I hadn't told you?". My answer was "Yes" (I wish you hadn't told me). So you are right on.
 

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She asked "Would you wish I hadn't told you?". My answer was "Yes" (I wish you hadn't told me). So you are right on.
But why did she tell you after 47 years? It makes no sense based on the information you've provided.

By the way, thanks for coming back to the thread. A lot of new posters read back through old threads. You have posted about a situation that doesn't occur that often. Providing your input to some of the questions asked will help make this thread a useful reference for others.
 

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Discussion Starter · #220 ·
jmo.
I’d feel very similarly to you. I’d be beyond hurt. I’d want answers. She’s stonewalling you. Look up the term.
If you feel she’s never cheated, you may be right. She would have been distant with you or stopped having sexual with you for a while, because r most likely some other sign you’d have picked up on.

It still bothers you. You’ve chosen to rugsweep this. That may very well be successful, if you can compartmentalize it and choke it down. I suspect it’s gong to eat in you and come up again in an argument.
The smart thing to do would go talk to a therapist or someone accustomed to dealing with these things and get to a point that you can get a handle on it.
But either way, if you’ve truly gotten closure, I wish you luck.
Once again, I’m very jealous you have a wife you love of 47 years. Few people do.
That's my biggest fear right now going forward...in a heated argument I'll bring it back up. Believe it or not, we don't have many of those anymore. We've both mellowed with age. But if it does happen, we'll try to deal with it like we have all of our other marriage conflicts.
 
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