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Isn’t it time to close this unless the OP comes back? Too many assumptions.


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He has only been absent for a while. Poor chap has a lot to process.

But folks, please take general debates and unrelated, but fascinating, information about Cajun culture to the appropriate sections of TAM, please?
 

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the bigger question is, WHY after 47 years does she tell you.
i am sure it was bugging her and felt good to get it off her chest.
but now the OP is devastated! She is a selfish coward, she should have taken that knowledge to the grave with her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #184 ·
It was wrong no doubt.

But consider that she was young and dumb (as we all have done certain dumb things when very young. That would explain that.

The bigger question is why she told you now.

If she was feeling real close to you, and you two were just talking about how life is, has been, and silly stuff maybe she thought that in a moment of closeness she'd share a dumb thing she did and that you'd recognize it as it was, one of those stories about something one wishes they didn't do, to show how silly she was way back.

And she felt close, comfortable, that she shared a story that was a regret for her, because she felt in the moment of closeness/conversation, that you wouldn't freak out about it.

After all, she's shown you for 47 years that you're her love, her life. In this context, let it go.

Really, accept she did something stupid just before her M day, she finally felt close enough to share it as a goofy thing, and let it go. Accept it for what it was, at this stage in your M.

Unless there are other M issues or she's a horrible spiteful W, and there are obvious reasons she was telling you to hurt you. Which the other problems is so, are the larger issue.

Barring a horrible marriage, let it go. Unless you want to damage your M.

Then, that's on you.
Ragnar, of all of the responses, your's is the best explanation and the best advice. The "rest of the story" is that she was 17 years old, I was 23, we had only known each other for 7 months and it was a long distance relationship. I was driving 7 hours to see her and 7 hours back almost every weekend to be with her. We wrote letters back and forth and we racked up over $1000 in phone bills (and that was 47 years ago). She rescued me from a world of loneliness, depression and true despair and she was my "first and only" if you know what I mean. I was about to take her away from her family and actually move her to another state about 7 hours away. She had never been away from Mom and Dad. She had just graduated from high school the week before and this guy was her high school boyfriend for two years. (Lucky for me, he was a jerk). Still I wish I could understand more what happened and why. There is absolutely no way I would EVER leave her. I still love her with all my heart despite the hurt. I try to think about where she was mentally at that time, her age, her situation, her fear and uncertainty of marrying someone 6 years older than her that she had only met 7 months earlier. As much as I hate that it happened and it hurts to think about it, I'm kind of chalking it up to her immaturity, her fear and uncertainty of what she was about to commit to and her effort to try to be certain about the two of us. And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do. Thanks Ragnar!
 

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Ragnar, of all of the responses, your's is the best explanation and the best advice. The "rest of the story" is that she was 17 years old, I was 23, we had only known each other for 7 months and it was a long distance relationship. I was driving 7 hours to see her and 7 hours back almost every weekend to be with her. We wrote letters back and forth and we racked up over $1000 in phone bills (and that was 47 years ago). She rescued me from a world of loneliness, depression and true despair and she was my "first and only" if you know what I mean. I was about to take her away from her family and actually move her to another state about 7 hours away. She had never been away from Mom and Dad. She had just graduated from high school the week before and this guy was her high school boyfriend for two years. (Lucky for me, he was a jerk). Still I wish I could understand more what happened and why. There is absolutely no way I would EVER leave her. I still love her with all my heart despite the hurt. I try to think about where she was mentally at that time, her age, her situation, her fear and uncertainty of marrying someone 6 years older than her that she had only met 7 months earlier. As much as I hate that it happened and it hurts to think about it, I'm kind of chalking it up to her immaturity, her fear and uncertainty of what she was about to commit to and her effort to try to be certain about the two of us. And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do. Thanks Ragnar!
All these things are excuses to do this. You are defending her doing something that is honestly indefensible.
It’s your life. 47 years is pretty awesome. I’m jealous.

BUT: Can you provide answers to reasonable questions?
Why did she tell you now? It’s been 47 years.
Why do you believe her as far as was this all?
Lastly, why do you think her response of “deal with it or we can just divorce” is acceptable??

Less importantly:
Have you been a doormat 47yrs due to your fear of losing her?
What’s the rest of the story of your marriage?
Cheated on the eve of your wedding? That doesn’t correlate to 47 yrs of happy marriage to me. I think it’s reasonable for anyone to have lots of questions about this. We do. You do. Why are there no answers?

Your wife seems totally cold to me from the way you describe her response.
 

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47 years ago? 20 minutes of stupid by a 20 to 25 yo person before marriage wipes out 47 years of a good and healthy, loving marriage.

Not itrw, not ever, unless the H is looking for an excuse to divorce. And here, he says he's not.

OP, grow up and accept she chose you to build a loving M and lifelong relationship with.

You.

If you want a divorce keep dwelling on it.

How old were you then, and now?
So, she lied RIGHT from the beginning of the marriage -- what makes you think she hasn't lied about a LOT of other things. You assume that she ONLY had oral before the wedding -- but lied for 47 YEARS about it. What else has she lied about in the marriage? Just because OP trusted her and would NEVER have suspected her to do this -- what ELSE could she have gotten away with.
 

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Ragnar, of all of the responses, your's is the best explanation and the best advice. The "rest of the story" is that she was 17 years old, I was 23, we had only known each other for 7 months and it was a long distance relationship. I was driving 7 hours to see her and 7 hours back almost every weekend to be with her. We wrote letters back and forth and we racked up over $1000 in phone bills (and that was 47 years ago). She rescued me from a world of loneliness, depression and true despair and she was my "first and only" if you know what I mean. I was about to take her away from her family and actually move her to another state about 7 hours away. She had never been away from Mom and Dad. She had just graduated from high school the week before and this guy was her high school boyfriend for two years. (Lucky for me, he was a jerk). Still I wish I could understand more what happened and why. There is absolutely no way I would EVER leave her. I still love her with all my heart despite the hurt. I try to think about where she was mentally at that time, her age, her situation, her fear and uncertainty of marrying someone 6 years older than her that she had only met 7 months earlier. As much as I hate that it happened and it hurts to think about it, I'm kind of chalking it up to her immaturity, her fear and uncertainty of what she was about to commit to and her effort to try to be certain about the two of us. And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do. Thanks Ragnar!
It is ultimately your call of course, I would have chose to act differently.

At the very least, you mentioned on your opening post that you do wish to find some answers. I do believe your wife owes that to you, and instead of threatening to end the marriage she should be there to help you heal. This part, I'm not sure even you can rug sweep forever otherwise you wouldn't have brought it up. You mentioned you forgive her, and communicated that to her, but you need to make sure she understands that she did this, and she needs to do her part as well to show accountability as a grown adult and marital partner.
 

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Ragnar, of all of the responses, your's is the best explanation and the best advice. The "rest of the story" is that she was 17 years old, I was 23, we had only known each other for 7 months and it was a long distance relationship. I was driving 7 hours to see her and 7 hours back almost every weekend to be with her. We wrote letters back and forth and we racked up over $1000 in phone bills (and that was 47 years ago). She rescued me from a world of loneliness, depression and true despair and she was my "first and only" if you know what I mean. I was about to take her away from her family and actually move her to another state about 7 hours away. She had never been away from Mom and Dad. She had just graduated from high school the week before and this guy was her high school boyfriend for two years. (Lucky for me, he was a jerk). Still I wish I could understand more what happened and why. There is absolutely no way I would EVER leave her. I still love her with all my heart despite the hurt. I try to think about where she was mentally at that time, her age, her situation, her fear and uncertainty of marrying someone 6 years older than her that she had only met 7 months earlier. As much as I hate that it happened and it hurts to think about it, I'm kind of chalking it up to her immaturity, her fear and uncertainty of what she was about to commit to and her effort to try to be certain about the two of us. And I came out the winner! I think he (the x-boyfriend) was making a desperate, last-ditch effort to get her back. Knowing her as I do, I would bet my life it was not done in malice but as you say, just a stupid thing to do. Thanks Ragnar!
@Cajun So glad you came back by. There's a wealth of info around the forum.

Hang in there, you'll make to the other side, in whatever the best answer for you in these circumstances looks like. Good for you.

Peace and goodwill to you.

RR.
 

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How do you explain her complete lack of remorse in the present day?
You have no foundation that confirms the W has a complete lack of remorse.

In this situation it seems like there is more opportunities for success than most, and it may be more productive in this case to build up ways to learn yet come through this with a stronger M, for @Cajun to take from the discussions.

He's shared a bit more. At 17 and 23 yrs old, and she was just out of HS, this is classic example of a bad choice when young and dumb.
 

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There's some advice with respect to forums....take what you need - leave the rest.

Getting married to you not just changed her life - but changed who she was.
She's a different person from that 17yo you married and she's proud of herself for who she is today.

She probably doesn't recognize or identify with that 17yo anymore. Telling you about what that girl did was like talking about another person. She underestimated your reaction.
 

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You have no foundation that confirms the W has a complete lack of remorse.

In this situation it seems like there is more opportunities for success than most, and it may be more productive in this case to build up ways to learn yet come through this with a stronger M, for @Cajun to take from the discussions.

He's shared a bit more. At 17 and 23 yrs old, and she was just out of HS, this is classic example of a bad choice when young and dumb.
I do have a foundation to cite her complete lack of remorse in the present day. Read the first, opening post.
 

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I am very glad to hear that you are not going to end such a long happy marriage for a stupid decision she made at age 17.
However I wonder if you would be helped by getting some MC. Hopefully they would be able to help her understand that despite the long time since she did this, for you it's new and very fresh in your mind. For you it's hurtful and that you need to be able to talk it through.
 

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Discussion Starter · #198 ·
It was wrong no doubt.

But consider that she was young and dumb (as we all have done certain dumb things when very young. That would explain that.

The bigger question is why she told you now.

If she was feeling real close to you, and you two were just talking about how life is, has been, and silly stuff maybe she thought that in a moment of closeness she'd share a dumb thing she did and that you'd recognize it as it was, one of those stories about something one wishes they didn't do, to show how silly she was way back.

And she felt close, comfortable, that she shared a story that was a regret for her, because she felt in the moment of closeness/conversation, that you wouldn't freak out about it.

After all, she's shown you for 47 years that you're her love, her life. In this context, let it go.

Really, accept she did something stupid just before her M day, she finally felt close enough to share it as a goofy thing, and let it go. Accept it for what it was, at this stage in your M.

Unless there are other M issues or she's a horrible spiteful W, and there are obvious reasons she was telling you to hurt you. Which the other problems is so, are the larger issue.

Barring a horrible marriage, let it go. Unless you want to damage your M.

Then, that's on you.
All these things are excuses to do this. You are defending her doing something that is honestly indefensible.
It’s your life. 47 years is pretty awesome. I’m jealous.

BUT: Can you provide answers to reasonable questions?
Why did she tell you now? It’s been 47 years.
Why do you believe her as far as was this all?
Lastly, why do you think her response of “deal with it or we can just divorce” is acceptable??

Less importantly:
Have you been a doormat 47yrs due to your fear of losing her?
What’s the rest of the story of your marriage?
Cheated on the eve of your wedding? That doesn’t correlate to 47 yrs of happy marriage to me. I think it’s reasonable for anyone to have lots of questions about this. We do. You do. Why are there no answers?

Your wife seems totally cold to me from the way you describe her response.
I hear what you're saying. l don't know the answers to those questions and yes it still bothers me. I want to believe that her response to "just deal with it", is her defense mechanism...after she saw my hurt, she apologized profusely. I believe her when she says she is so sorry for hurting me but since I keep bringing it up, she doesn't know what else to say or do. So I think it's her defense mechanism kicking in. I guess, at this point, I can only evaluate it from a "happiness" standpoint. So I've come to the conclusion that the real questions are, all things considered, how happy/content/satisfied has she made me feel for 47 years and how happy/content/satisfied does she make me feel today? I guess for me, ultimately, that's what matters. Maybe I am a sap, but looking back at all things about our life together, the love I have felt coming from her and her demeaner towards other people, I would truly bet my life that she has been faithful ever since she said "I do". I know, it's just a "gut feeling", there are no certainties, but that's where I'm coming out. Ragnar provided me what I needed, an assessment/opinion from a uninvolved third party of what I WANT to believe. So at this point in my life, 71 years old, with Ragnar's affirmation that this is a reasonable explanation. I'm going with that. Again, maybe I'm being a sap or a doormat. If that's the case, then so be it, because for 47 years since the "I do", I have absolutely no doubt that she's loved me. Thanks to this discussion I think I've achieved closure.
 

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He has already explained that he understands what happened. She has been a great wife for 47 years.

He understands that the "WHY" is just background noise in the scheme of a 47 year happy life.

He found his response and I am very glad he chose to truly forgive.

Thank you for coming back with such an uplifting update @Cajun.

The love and now also the honest forgiveness you are gifting your wife shows your solid character. You are a good man. You deserve peace and enjoyment of all these years you two built a solid relationship.

Take care and may peace always be with you and yours![/QUOTE]
 
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