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I've been around awhile now and while I read as much as I can there is a couple things I have great confusion about. 1. Is the "TALK". shouldn't this have been done right away after D Day? How do you handle your emotions while having this talk? And how much do you really want to know?

2. WH will only answer the questions he wants to answer? Ok so currently my WH is not wanting to talk about it because of the way it makes him feel. He went to IC and we are doing MC. He finally is reading the book After the Affair. He says he is sorry but it's not enough. He is real good at making sure I know where he is at all times. (Oh it has also been 1 1/2 years since D Day.) I still have many questions and I am stuck in this stage 1 without the answers. I do not feel as if I can make up my mind about staying, going, getting even or what the consequences are going to be. We are working as if in R but I can't trust him in ways I want too. I can't let it go as he would like me too. His attitude is, "It happened I'm sorry I was wrong let's move forward and put it behind us."

Hello I don't see it not happening again with that kind of reasoning. Anyone else with me on this or am I being stubborn by not letting it go?

He has put all his time and energy into the business. Which is right now about to expand into a building of it's own. When he does take time for me, us I feel as if is a privilege he is granting me. He falls into bed every night exhausted. So we are up at 5:30 and going until 9 PM at 10 we are snoring. Sex is ok he says he wants it 3 to 4 times a week he's lucky if he can handle it once which is not at all what I want and even then afterwards he rolls over and is asleep leaving me up for hours. Does any of this sound healthy to you. Need some ideas of something. I am suffering from panic disorder so bad I have problems leaving the house at all or concentrating on my work. Besides my mind is all over the place too. Thank you for any feedback I'm stuck. I want to push but how hard do I push? Should I go see the OW I wanted to give her something anyways still sitting in my car. Oh yeah he wants to get married again. In a church a real one. Hello I lost my faith and we had our marriage blessed by God once why in heck would I want to to it again. Thank you
 

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1. It's called rugsweeping.
2. Tell him that if he wants in, then he has to answer the questions you put to him.
3. Read and execute the 180
 

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I've been around awhile now and while I read as much as I can there is a couple things I have great confusion about. 1. Is the "TALK". shouldn't this have been done right away after D Day? How do you handle your emotions while having this talk? And how much do you really want to know?

2. WH will only answer the questions he wants to answer? Ok so currently my WH is not wanting to talk about it because of the way it makes him feel. He went to IC and we are doing MC. He finally is reading the book After the Affair. He says he is sorry but it's not enough. He is real good at making sure I know where he is at all times. (Oh it has also been 1 1/2 years since D Day.) I still have many questions and I am stuck in this stage 1 without the answers. I do not feel as if I can make up my mind about staying, going, getting even or what the consequences are going to be. We are working as if in R but I can't trust him in ways I want too. I can't let it go as he would like me too. His attitude is, "It happened I'm sorry I was wrong let's move forward and put it behind us."

Hello I don't see it not happening again with that kind of reasoning. Anyone else with me on this or am I being stubborn by not letting it go?

He has put all his time and energy into the business. Which is right now about to expand into a building of it's own. When he does take time for me, us I feel as if is a privilege he is granting me. He falls into bed every night exhausted. So we are up at 5:30 and going until 9 PM at 10 we are snoring. Sex is ok he says he wants it 3 to 4 times a week he's lucky if he can handle it once which is not at all what I want and even then afterwards he rolls over and is asleep leaving me up for hours. Does any of this sound healthy to you. Need some ideas of something. I am suffering from panic disorder so bad I have problems leaving the house at all or concentrating on my work. Besides my mind is all over the place too. Thank you for any feedback I'm stuck. I want to push but how hard do I push? Should I go see the OW I wanted to give her something anyways still sitting in my car. Oh yeah he wants to get married again. In a church a real one. Hello I lost my faith and we had our marriage blessed by God once why in heck would I want to to it again. Thank you
He just doesn't get it. How hard should you push? Are you willing to live with the pain, knowing he will not help alleviate it by giving you the details you feel you need to heal?

What if you seriously told your husband that you can't go on living the way you have been, that you are going crazy not knowing the details, and unless you get them you think the best thing for you would be to divorce him? Do you think he would rather let you divorce him or tell you the details?

Forget about other woman. That is more pain and she is not worth it. She will not give you satisfaction. See her if you think it will help you, just be warned it probably won't.

Change the words around on this to suit your situation and give it to your husband:

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly.

No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.

You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down.

To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are.

When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important.

Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it.

You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart.

I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together.

It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.
 

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He just doesn't get it. How hard should you push? Are you willing to live with the pain, knowing he will not help alleviate it by giving you the details you feel you need to heal?

What if you seriously told your husband that you can't go on living the way you have been, that you are going crazy not knowing the details, and unless you get them you think the best thing for you would be to divorce him? Do you think he would rather let you divorce him or tell you the details?

Forget about other woman. That is more pain and she is not worth it. She will not give you satisfaction. See her if you think it will help you, just be warned it probably won't.

Change the words around on this to suit your situation and give it to your husband:

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly.

No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge.

You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down.

To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are.

When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important.

Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it.

You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart.

I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together.

It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

....THAT ...is an incredible "mission statement"!! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for printing that ...it gives me SO many directions and ideas to present to my wife so that she will finally understand what I have going on inside.
 

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so currently my WH is not wanting to talk about it because of the way it makes him feel.
Awwww...sniff, sniff. Does it make him feel bad??!! Good.

The "I'm sorry it happened, let's move forward" sounds like our first MC who was promptly fired because even my wayward wife understood the need for me to get answers and heal.

Putting his energy into the business is a self defense mechanism, IMO. It's "easier" to do that than to face his own issues, not to mention the one's he gave you for his transgressions.

As for the church comment, I totally and completely understand. I am a minister. I had an awesome wedding ministry and truly enjoyed meeting people and helping them make their day great.

I haven't done a wedding in a year.

I hope one day I can, but right now it's just something I can't see myself doing.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thank you for calling the shots straight. I will use the letter in the next round. At MC this week I told him and her that he is rug sweeping and there is no way I can move forward till my answers are met. The 180 has to wait. We provide a stable (ain't that a joke) for 3 of our grand kids. They have been through so much already I cannot upset their world by pulling the carpet just yet. I still have faith that he will come around. Just in his time not mine which hurts very much. He sees me up set at some point everyday, he has all kinds of nice things to say (but he always did, even during this affair.) I can't really call it an affair there doesn't seem to be any emotion attached. It was just for sex, get on get off and home. We were having problems as I had just had a full hip replacement. Your right he does not get it, he don't understand what the answers are for how it effects me. He says he didn't realize I had these mental health issues so intensely before, Well Dah!!! I didn't have any problems or trauma to set off the triggers. He is very very supportive as to my mental health and fixing my problems and not a clue that he needs help with his. He told me he has made a conscious decision for change and struggles everyday with it. I'm not a fool but this will not work for him and is unacceptable to me. SO here we go again will work on him as I work on me. Sending the letter tonight. Thank You again for the straight shots advice.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I gave him the letter says its well written not like me at all. LOL So far no reply. He has gotten sick and business as usual is #1. Everything is a priority obligations to meet. So will wait we have MC Monday and he still hasn't finished the 'After the Affair Book. He did repond to one of my emails told me to, "keep on bashing him and I married a drug addict guess it was more than you expected." What a crock as far as I'm concerned I sure hope he is not going to use that as his excuse. That would be too easy. It would be like I went out had a couple drinks and forgot I was married. I don't think I can handle that as the reason behind this. It would not be a good enough reason or excuse if I did it why should he think he can use it? Well I will not know till he gets it. Other major problems have come up so once again this will get put on the back burner as my grand kids sperm donor is causing problems again. Thank You
 
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