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The other night is a good example of what has been going on for a while.
The "love-making" was nice at first. But it went from being nice to it being really dirty and rough. I thought (as usual when this happens), well, maybe he needs this. But afterwards, things just kept running through my mind, and I felt really panicky. I had to take medication to stop what felt like a full-on panic attack. I kept telling myself, don't over-analyze, because this happens when you are really tired. Just get to sleep and think about it later. Well, I woke up this morning with all of it still swimming. Maybe it isn't even each of the things individually, but all of them together. He pulled my hair, choked me a little, told me to tell him who was his b*tch, and in general was pretty demeaning. We have been together for a year and a half now, and although he always makes sure that in the moment I am "ok", I am trying to give him what he needs but it is making me feel like a wh*re. I have told him I don't like dirty talk, and yet I can only remember a few times when we slept together and he wasn't chattering away the entire time about dirty stuff. He is so explicit. The talking just takes me out of the moment, and I am only climaxing maybe 10% of the time. In the beginning it was amazing and I felt really connected to him (and the talk wasn't dirty until probably like, 6-8 months into it and progressed slowly but steadily) but now, I just feel objectified. I have no idea how to talk to him about this. Any suggestions???? I want to make it work, but I am worried this is an underlying part of his personality and the way that he wants to and does talk to me during sex is indicative of his respect for women, and/or the role he wants to play during sex. On the other hand, it could also be that he is watching too much porn, he is older than me by eight years and has had many single years to himself, and I know that he is a big porn watcher. This bothers me, and I have told him that, but he says it is just my insecurity.

I love him very much and he is sweet and caring and attentive and treats me extremely well otherwise. I am just so confused and sad, watching my efforts in the bedroom becoming more of an act than genuine enjoyment.
 

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I am sorry that you feel this way.

But tell you honestly, most men like this kind of thing. They love dirty talks. If you let your husband do that, you win his heart.

What do you want to have? His heart or his drifting away. A lot of men are frustrated that their wives don't talk dirty.

If I slept around, that's cheap. If I don't have my husband's love, that's cheap.

If he treats me like a queen in other areas, whatever he says and does in bed is only to make him feel horny and cum faster, I enjoy all the dirty talks and hair grabbing. I don't feel I am cheap, I actually feel I am very expensive. I have my man's heart!
 

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What do you want to have? His heart or his drifting away. A lot of men are frustrated that their wives don't talk dirty.
Chickenlittle, please pay no attention to this. Under no circumstances should anyone try to convince you to forfeit your dignity and live with the way he degrades you and makes you feel just to be with a man.

The only way to look at your situation is to consider the facts that you told him you don't like it and you asked him to stop, yet he continues. What do you think that is?

You are being abused in exactly the same manner batterers abuse their wives. The only difference is you don't end up with black eyes and visible bruises. However, abuse is not hardly limited to the physical aspects. Abuse is also verbal, mental/emotional, sexual.

Just like all other abused victims, you were duped into this abusive relationship. No man socks a woman in the eye when he meets her. He knows he has to be cunning and deceptive for the first while in order to gain her love and trust. He knows he has to wear the Mr. Wonderful facade to get you. And what did you state to us here?

"In the beginning it was amazing and I felt really connected to him (and the talk wasn't dirty until probably like, 6-8 months into it and progressed slowly but steadily) but now, I just feel objectified.
Once he gets you to fall in love with him, he begins his abusive behavior. You are, by then, powerless to view the relationship objectively and unable to tear yourself away because you convince yourself you love him too much and that he is otherwise a nice person.

Another characterisitic of an abuser is to ignore or dismiss your concerns when you express them to him. He will turn your words to mush as being of much less importance than you are making the situation, try to convince you that you are overreacting or something. Sometimes, he might promise to change but doesn't ever change. Or, he will simply ignore you and continue the behavior that you complained about.

Most abusers try to turn your complaint into something that is your fault to exempt himself and make you feel like the guilty party in order to create the ideal situation for himself so he can continue abusing you. What could be better for him than you allowing/putting up with his abuse, while you are the one feeling guilty or feeling somehow inadequate or unwilling to please him? If he hasn't done it already, be prepared for him calling you a prude or making sure you know all his other girlfriends enjoyed his methods. He will be lying of course, but what does that matter to him? He knows and fully expects you will believe him to make sure you end up feeling like there is something wrong with YOU and not him. Once he has convinced you of that, you will allow him to continue without complaint.

I am worried this is an underlying part of his personality and the way that he wants to and does talk to me during sex is indicative of his respect for women, and/or the role he wants to play during sex.
You give him too much the benefit of doubt and have convinced yourself there is something "underlying" in his personality. Do you not live the blatant, outward expressions every time you have sex with him?

On the other hand, it could also be that he is watching too much porn, he is older than me by eight years and has had many single years to himself, and I know that he is a big porn watcher. This bothers me, and I have told him that, but he says it is just my insecurity.
See what I mean how easily he turned it into being all your fault??? He completely dismissed your complaint and blamed it all on you.

And.....he's still abusing you.
 

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Firstly I will say that I personally would have no problem with the sex you had, but that kind of thing turns me on.

However this is because I know my SO loves me and he spends a lot of time hugging me and kissing and making me feel loved (plus we mix it up).

If you are not comfortable and are also not climaxing, this is a big problem and he should care about that. My SO loves it when I cum too. He cares about my needs as well as his.

Lastly the porn. It is a huge issue in a lot of relationships. It seems to me that rather then worry about your needs or treat you like a real person he is treating you like a sexual object, just like the women he views in porn.

It is not because you are particularly insecure, in fact i think that's a ridiculous statement. Porn should make women uncomfortable and insecure, because it commodifies women, turns them into purely F&*kable objects, uses women who are barely (if even) out of their teens, has women doing things and in positions that most women are not comfortable with, and it does change how men view women and sex. besides most insecure people go along with things they don't like and know aren't right in an effort to please. It shows you as being the opposite and really knowing your self and your value when you say no to something that bothers you like porn.

Here are some links to some other threads where I have posted some links to articles and info about the harm porn can do to sexual intimacy.

Studies do show that porn makes sex worse not better for a lot of people, and that men even subconsciously compare their wives to the women they watch.

How Porn Is Affecting the Libido of the American Male -- New York Magazine
Heres just one interesting article.

I happen to believe that couples should focus on each other, and that porn does nothing good for sex. Porn is the junk food of sexual experiences.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/23714-porn-perception-11.html

If he cares about you, he will stop watching porn and focus on you and your needs too. f you felt really connected and loved and cared about, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't mind the dirty talk etc sometimes.
 

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If I understand correctly, early in the relationship the sex was loving and mutually satisfying and slowly became rough and dirty. In addition, you have made it clear that this is not what you want. Moreover, having sex with this man makes you feel badly and you are getting no pleasure out of it 90% of the time, he is 8yrs older than you and he is a porn addict. Is that right?

I have a question - why are you still having sex with him? He makes you feel dirty, he ignores what you want, he is concerned with his pleasure only and he did a bait and switch. He did not reveal himself until he thought you were into him enough that you would let him do you any way he wants. Please don't give the standard answer because you love him, love is not enough as you can see. He is not having sex with you, he is using you as a live porn doll.

It not the dirty talk or hair pulling, many men and women like that, and some don't. But you notice I said both like it. What ever is going on here it is not love or intimacy no matter what he says. When a man is in love he is concerned about making the woman happy sexually and wishes to feel connected to her. Your man is using you for his pleasure, he has slowly groomed you to this point.

I have to ask again, how do you allow your body to be used by this man? What do you get? You feel dirty, disrespected, disregarded and used, yet you continue to let him use your body!!! Stop having sex with him and strongly consider finding someone more compatable. that will cure the problem. Examine wheater you want to deal with a man with his problems - porn addicted, relationship challenged, objectifies women. If you stay don't expect change addicts promise but you don't want to base your future on the promises of an addict.

You have not been in the relationship long and the man he reveals himself to be now is the real him. If you stay he will role out more of himself, he probably has plans to use you sexually for other more extreme porn fantasies. These are serious problems, any woman in a relationship with him will have to deal with them. It is early on, why not get out now and not 10 years from now when you are totally beaten down from trying to get him to treat you like a human and not a set of holes.

I don't know why he was alone for so long but, his porn addiction may have affected his ability to sustain a relationship. You should know something about his relationship history. Don't expect your relationship to be any different. There are many good, sexually healthy men out there. You have to ask yourself why you did not leave when he first showed signs of sexual problems so many months ago.

You are not helpless, it is your body you are not required to provide a man pleasure using it. It is mutual or it does not happen. Women up, stop giving up control of your body, there is no reason why you should feel degraded while he is using you that's ridiculous, why do you let it happen? Is his pleasure more important than you feelings of degradation? He thinks so but I hope you don't. Stop letting yourself be used by a porn addicted loser.
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If you aren't in to it, tell him no more in no uncertain terms. Me however, I love everything but the ***** part. I'm not anyone's birtch. I just like it rough. Cue Gaga song.
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I am going to talk to him about it today, we'll see what happens. I am going to try the clear line-drawing approach, but also see if we can find a compromise that we both are satisfied with. I guess his response will tell a lot.
 

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I wouldn't put up with that. I don't like any demeaning talk towards me it's just not who I am. It would make me extremely uncomfortable. I'm not some live porn doll. If I say I don't like it...it means stop don't keep doing it.
 

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I am going to talk to him about it today, we'll see what happens. I am going to try the clear line-drawing approach, but also see if we can find a compromise that we both are satisfied with. I guess his response will tell a lot.
Yes, your husband should tone down a little bit if that bothers you so much. But it is really a guy's thing. They like to play like this.

But you also should work on your mindset, if you want to keep your bedroom life fun and interesting, you have to loosen up a little bit.

Whatever happens in your bedroom starts and stops in your bedroom, you can feel dirty, you can feel joy, it all depends on you. Sex is important for a relationship, after the passionate period is over, you have to be creative in this area.
 

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chick,
I suggest you do it to him, it sound like it may be out of character for you ,but it would be interesting to see how he likes it.

I'm quessing he calls you dirty names along with the dirty talk? Well throw it out there and and see what happens. Most likely it will be uncomfortable and weird for you to be the dom, it just would be interesting to see how he reacts...most likely turn him on, until you tell him to "get on your knees wimp boy and lick" LOL
 

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Yes, your husband should tone down a little bit if that bothers you so much. But it is really a guy's thing. They like to play like this.

But you also should work on your mindset, if you want to keep your bedroom life fun and interesting, you have to loosen up a little bit.

Whatever happens in your bedroom starts and stops in your bedroom, you can feel dirty, you can feel joy, it all depends on you. Sex is important for a relationship, after the passionate period is over, you have to be creative in this area.
Why should she do something that obviously makes her uncomfortable? She feels used and degraded so she should just "lighten up"?
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Yes, your husband should tone down a little bit if that bothers you so much. But it is really a guy's thing. They like to play like this.
SOME guys like to do things like that. There are also plenty who don't. If she hates that sort of thing then she should find a guy who doesn't feel the need to treat her in such a degrading fashion.
 

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Why should she do something that obviously makes her uncomfortable? She feels used and degraded so she should just "lighten up"?
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Sex is fun, dirty talk enhances the fun, I don't know why it is so difficult for her to lighten up. It is obvious that her husband enjoys this.

Is she being used? Is she being degraded? Does her husband treat her poorly in other areas? No, she said her husband loves her in other areas!

We really have to distinguish being treated poorly in general and having sexual fun in bed.
 

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I am sorry that you feel this way.

But tell you honestly, most men like this kind of thing. They love dirty talks. If you let your husband do that, you win his heart.

What do you want to have? His heart or his drifting away. A lot of men are frustrated that their wives don't talk dirty.

If I slept around, that's cheap. If I don't have my husband's love, that's cheap.

If he treats me like a queen in other areas, whatever he says and does in bed is only to make him feel horny and cum faster, I enjoy all the dirty talks and hair grabbing. I don't feel I am cheap, I actually feel I am very expensive. I have my man's heart!
I love dirty talk too, but not all the choking and "who's the little *****" stuff. That would be way too much for me.
 

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SOME guys like to do things like that. There are also plenty who don't. If she hates that sort of thing then she should find a guy who doesn't feel the need to treat her in such a degrading fashion.
Reader, they are married!

You know it very well, if a man likes this stuff, he will feel deprived if he can't do it anymore. It is only dirty talk, and it only stays in the bedroom, it is not like that he is disrespectful in other areas and other places.

My husband cherishes me a lot because I really make his sex life fun and enjoyable. And there is another big reason. I don't complain, neither do I whine. I don't have all these. If he cheated on me, then I would feel cheap, if he neglected me, then I would feel I am a woman he didn't desire.
 

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Sex is fun, dirty talk enhances the fun, I don't know why it is so difficult for her to lighten up. It is obvious that her husband enjoys this.

Is she being used? Is she being degraded? Does her husband treat her poorly in other areas? No, she said her husband loves her in other areas!

We really have to distinguish being treated poorly in general and having sexual fun in bed.
My sweet Greenie, just because she isn't as open as you, it doesn't mean that her concerns are not valid. You and I have a lot in common, but I think that you are a lot more obedient than I am. That is just fine, but most women do not think like you.
The husband is being degrading in my eyes. Mr.G and I talk dirty, but it's more like "You like that? You like my big..." Aww, never mind. :eek:
 

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My sweet Greenie, just because she isn't as open as you, it doesn't mean that her concerns are not valid. You and I have a lot in common, but I think that you are a lot more obedient than I am. That is just fine, but most women do not think like you.
The husband is being degrading in my eyes. Mr.G and I talk dirty, but it's more like "You like that? You like my big..." Aww, never mind. :eek:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I am more concerned about their future.

I have been reading for so long here, very often I see men complain that their wives don't talk dirty, don't give BJ, don't wear sexy lingerie, and the worst, don't have sex. We know sex is important for a relationship, when sex is not a problem in a relationship, we are quite positive that this relationship can last. The biggest reason people divorce is sex incompatibility.

The OP's case is like catch 22. If he talks dirty, she feels cheap. If he doesn't talk dirty, we know he is going to struggle.

So they have to meet in between. Maybe your way of talking dirty is better! :)
 

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If I understand correctly, early in the relationship the sex was loving and mutually satisfying and slowly became rough and dirty. In addition, you have made it clear that this is not what you want. Moreover, having sex with this man makes you feel badly and you are getting no pleasure out of it 90% of the time, he is 8yrs older than you and he is a porn addict. Is that right?

I have a question - why are you still having sex with him? He makes you feel dirty, he ignores what you want, he is concerned with his pleasure only and he did a bait and switch. He did not reveal himself until he thought you were into him enough that you would let him do you any way he wants. Please don't give the standard answer because you love him, love is not enough as you can see. He is not having sex with you, he is using you as a live porn doll.

It not the dirty talk or hair pulling, many men and women like that, and some don't. But you notice I said both like it. What ever is going on here it is not love or intimacy no matter what he says. When a man is in love he is concerned about making the woman happy sexually and wishes to feel connected to her. Your man is using you for his pleasure, he has slowly groomed you to this point.

I have to ask again, how do you allow your body to be used by this man? What do you get? You feel dirty, disrespected, disregarded and used, yet you continue to let him use your body!!! Stop having sex with him and strongly consider finding someone more compatable. that will cure the problem. Examine wheater you want to deal with a man with his problems - porn addicted, relationship challenged, objectifies women. If you stay don't expect change addicts promise but you don't want to base your future on the promises of an addict.

You have not been in the relationship long and the man he reveals himself to be now is the real him. If you stay he will role out more of himself, he probably has plans to use you sexually for other more extreme porn fantasies. These are serious problems, any woman in a relationship with him will have to deal with them. It is early on, why not get out now and not 10 years from now when you are totally beaten down from trying to get him to treat you like a human and not a set of holes.

I don't know why he was alone for so long but, his porn addiction may have affected his ability to sustain a relationship. You should know something about his relationship history. Don't expect your relationship to be any different. There are many good, sexually healthy men out there. You have to ask yourself why you did not leave when he first showed signs of sexual problems so many months ago.

You are not helpless, it is your body you are not required to provide a man pleasure using it. It is mutual or it does not happen. Women up, stop giving up control of your body, there is no reason why you should feel degraded while he is using you that's ridiculous, why do you let it happen? Is his pleasure more important than you feelings of degradation? He thinks so but I hope you don't. Stop letting yourself be used by a porn addicted loser.
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What does the age difference have to do with the sexual abuse?? Not all older men are manipulative and controlling; only the worst ones are. My husband is 8 years my senior and he treats me like gold.

When you say "why do you let it happen?" it sounds like victim blaming. It doesn't seem compassionate to the fact that constant abuse lowers self esteem, which is what leads a woman to continue to allow the mistreatment. I know this because I have been there.

When I finally disclosed childhood sexual abuse, I was blamed for not being "strong enough to say no". I was also told that it was "only an allegation" and the woman who gave birth to me fed my abuser Christmas dinner. I no longer have contact with those who reacted in this manner.
 

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Originally Posted by Mrs.G
I love dirty talk too, but not all the choking and "who's the little *****" stuff. That would be way too much for me.

That's why I said her husband should tone down a little bit.
GreenPearl, I wish you would leave this thread alone. You are not helping at all. What you keep telling this woman, ChickenLittle, is she has to be degraded in order to keep her husband. That is an awful message to send to any woman. You are redefining what she wrote to tailor it to mean what you want it all to mean. But dirty talk never, ever has to be and never, ever should be degrading to anyone. What you call toning down may well still be degrading to her. So, being called a bi*ch (and other things he says) 4 times might be toned down in your book but is not better than calling her those names 6 times or 8. We enjoy talking dirty also, but more like the way Mrs.G describes. There is nothing degrading about that. It is fun and serves to enhance the experience for him. You should stop trying to determine and define what it is, what it means to her, and how it makes her feel. You should also stop trying to tell her how she should feel about it. You are not in their bedroom. She already has the man in her life dismissing and minimizing her concerns and blaming her for the outcome of his actions.

The bottom line is no one should do ANYTHING that makes them feel uncomfortable or belittled. If she does not like his manner, no one should encourage her to tolerate it, much less tell her in so many words to get with his program, as if she should value him more than herself, her own worth, and her own self esteem. That is ludicrious.
 
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