Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 34 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am re-married, thanks to this platform which offered tremendous advice about not settling for a dysfunctional marriage which I'd been in for 14 years, and I did not even know was dysfunctional until I found out that she was cheating. My religious convictions had blinded me to the emotional abuse. Fast forward to today, I am happily re-married, we have 4 kids between us. She is also divorced.

3.5 years into the marriage, the sex is now a challenge. It was not in the beginning. She's 46, I am 47. I keep fit (healthy mind, healthy body philosophy) . As a result, my sex drive is pretty healthy. She does not believe in being fit, prefers using medication, or is considering surgery etc. I have accepted my ways are not always what everyone wants.

Essentially, I now have to masturbate more regularly like every day just to release the pressure. She knows about it, I have told her about it. We only make love once in a while (probably once a month) but the fact that I know she is not enjoying it makes me not want to do it. For the first time, I no longer condemn my friends who get prostitutes - I always thought those friends were "immoral". But now I understand why prostitutes are an essential service. Sex is an important act - masturbation does not help much, sex is much better. I love my wife, but the lack of sex is causing us loads of tension - which results in unhappiness in the marriage.

Have we tried counselling - not as yet. Any advice is welcome!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,205 Posts
Essentially, I now have to masturbate more regularly like every day just to release the pressure.
Honestly, you sound like a dog in heat. Every day to "relieve the pressure" just sounds freakin' ridiculous. It's not a necessary bodily function like breathing or sleeping, so let's stop acting like it is.

But now I understand why prostitutes are an essential service. Sex is an important act - masturbation does not help much, sex is much better.
Talk about living for your damned genitals.

What do you do the other 16.5 minutes a day when yu're NOT thinking about your penis and how deprived you are?

Go get yourself a prostitute since you now think they're "essential" workers. I don't even know how to answer this self-indugant idiocy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,821 Posts
Honestly, you sound like a dog in heat. Every day to "relieve the pressure" just sounds freakin' ridiculous. It's not a necessary bodily function like breathing or sleeping, so let's stop acting like it is.

Talk about living for your damned genitals.

What do you do the other 16.5 minutes a day when yu're NOT thinking about your penis and how deprived you are?

Go get yourself a prostitute since you now think they're "essential" workers. I don't even know how to answer this self-indugant idiocy.
Wow, way to shame someone for not being happy about being in a sexless marriage, in his 40s.

OP it seems you may have chosen unwisely a second time around. Now you might know the reason her first marriage didn't work out.

Have you talked to her about your lack of intimacy?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,316 Posts
Second, relatively new marriage and already the lack of intimacy hits home. After my first sexless marriage, if I'd inadvertently chosen another woman like that I'd have filed for divorce if the problem wasn't resolved within a few months (or at least serious attempts made to find and fix any medical reasons for this, or psychological).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,821 Posts
You new here?
Ha that made me smile.

I'm always amazed at both the shaming for wanting a fulfilling sex life, and advice to happily accept a sexless marriage "because menopause" that goes on here.

Marriage is a sexual relationship. If you don't want to have sex with your spouse, you are friends. Stay friends then, and get divorced so you can go on to develop a full, intimate relationship (more than friendship) with someone else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,615 Posts
Have we tried counselling - not as yet. Any advice is welcome!
Do a Google search for "Ted Talk Sex Starved Marriage". It's only 15 minutes long, and I think you'll find it very interesting. Then get your wife to watch it with you. She may have an "Oh my gosh, that's me" moment.

An interesting thing I've learned over the years of rejection I've had. Rejection (of intimacy) causes you to think so much more about sex than otherwise is the case. When you are secure and not worried about being rejected, sex doesn't dominate your thinking. It's a pleasant part of life that has its place. This is something many don't get. The lower libido partner will often say "Is EVERYTHING about sex???!!!" And the truth may be, that person, the lower libido partner, has created that situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
just sounds freakin' ridiculous. It's not a necessary bodily function like breathing or sleeping
Ha ha ha... this is really funny. I laugh because I used to be like that in my religious former self. I condemned what I did not understand. FYI: All men masturbate - we just don't talk about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Go get yourself a prostitute since you now think they're "essential" workers. I don't even know how to answer this self-indugant idiocy
another funny remark - really! Understanding something does not mean I will go with it. I think once you go down that lane, one never really recovers. There is a reason it is called the "oldest trade".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Do a Google search for "Ted Talk Sex Starved Marriage". It's only 15 minutes long, and I think you'll find it very interesting. Then get your wife to watch it with you. She may have an "Oh my gosh, that's me" moment.

An interesting thing I've learned over the years of rejection I've had. Rejection (of intimacy) causes you to think so much more about sex than otherwise is the case. When you are secure and not worried about being rejected, sex doesn't dominate your thinking. It's a pleasant part of life that has its place. This is something many don't get. The lower libido partner will often say "Is EVERYTHING about sex???!!!" And the truth may be, that person, the lower libido partner, has created that situation.
Wow - brilliant advice! Thanks for the referral - let me go watch it now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Second, relatively new marriage and already the lack of intimacy hits home. After my first sexless marriage, if I'd inadvertently chosen another woman like that I'd have filed for divorce if the problem wasn't resolved within a few months (or at least serious attempts made to find and fix any medical reasons for this, or psychological).
Early in the marriage, it was rocking! This challenge has been over the last year mainly - started with her getting hot flashes, then fear of menopause then...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Have you talked to her about your lack of intimac
Yeah, we have talked about it - many times the conversation ends up in her crying and saying she feels terrible that her sex drive is low. I think it's a way of her ending that conversation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,316 Posts
Early in the marriage, it was rocking! This challenge has been over the last year mainly - started with her getting hot flashes, then fear of menopause then...
She might consider hormone replacement therapy if her doctor/specialist thinks it is safe and useful for her. There are a variety of pills and creams that can help.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Diana7 and discern

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,594 Posts
I am re-married, thanks to this platform which offered tremendous advice about not settling for a dysfunctional marriage which I'd been in for 14 years, and I did not even know was dysfunctional until I found out that she was cheating. My religious convictions had blinded me to the emotional abuse. Fast forward to today, I am happily re-married, we have 4 kids between us. She is also divorced.

3.5 years into the marriage, the sex is now a challenge. It was not in the beginning. She's 46, I am 47. I keep fit (healthy mind, healthy body philosophy) . As a result, my sex drive is pretty healthy. She does not believe in being fit, prefers using medication, or is considering surgery etc. I have accepted my ways are not always what everyone wants.

Essentially, I now have to masturbate more regularly like every day just to release the pressure. She knows about it, I have told her about it. We only make love once in a while (probably once a month) but the fact that I know she is not enjoying it makes me not want to do it. For the first time, I no longer condemn my friends who get prostitutes - I always thought those friends were "immoral". But now I understand why prostitutes are an essential service. Sex is an important act - masturbation does not help much, sex is much better. I love my wife, but the lack of sex is causing us loads of tension - which results in unhappiness in the marriage.

Have we tried counselling - not as yet. Any advice is welcome!
Has she said why she no longer wants sex? Can you agree to a compromise of say once a week?

You mentioned religious convictions, so are you both religious? Christians? If so try some good Christian marriage counselling. God does have things to say about sex in marriage, and that is not to deprive each other.
Going to a prostitite is immoral, there are no two ways about it, so dont go there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,594 Posts
She might consider hormone replacement therapy if her doctor/specialist thinks it is safe and useful for her. There are a variety of pills and creams that can help.
Yeah, we have talked about it - many times the conversation ends up in her crying and saying she feels terrible that her sex drive is low. I think it's a way of her ending that conversation.
I wish she could understand that you dont have to always feel like having sex or have a high sex drive in order to have and enjoy sex with our spouse. It can be a lovely time of closeness and intimacy regardless, and to know that she is giving her spouse pleasure and meeting his needs is surely positive if there is love there?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,615 Posts
Wow - brilliant advice! Thanks for the referral - let me go watch it now.
Unfortunately, it took 42 years for me to become "brilliant." The plan is to dramatically shorten your learning curve, and offer some insight into how rejection can heighten the seemingly, to her, preoccupied with sex issue. Which, frankly, came out pretty strongly in your opening post as well. But I get it. Totally. And now I think you're beginning to as well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Has she said why she no longer wants sex? Can you agree to a compromise of say once a week?

You mentioned religious convictions, so are you both religious? Christians? If so try some good Christian marriage counselling. God does have things to say about sex in marriage, and that is not to deprive each other.
Going to a prostitute is immoral, there are no two ways about it, so don't go there.
Good points, she just says she no longer feels like it. Yes, we are both Christians but not religious - I was religious in my first marriage, as in, overly zealous about right/wrong. I am less religious - more spiritual now. Let me see about that compromise - that TED talk is actually very insightful. We'll see about watching it together.
 
1 - 20 of 34 Posts
Top