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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi

We are both self employed but seem to have totally opposite views on what it takes to earn money. Her view seems to be if it doesn't happen then it's ok -her stock phrase being 'the universe will always provide' whilst i seem to be running myself ragged trying to shore up the finances, if their is a shortfall then its always me that has to make it up. Also the boundaries seem to be shifting without me knowing, when we started out we both agreed that we wouldn't be in a 'fifties household' i.e. i wouldn't be out working all the time and she wouldn't be at home cooking and cleaning and i thought that meant she would contribute financially but it never really happens, and now she makes statements like 'i'm the main breadwinner' and 'she's the home maker', and i find myself working all the time just to make ends meet, whilst she complains about the housework and how unappreciated women are (i try to do my share but the work load is killing me)

I've built up a lot of resentment to her and its definately poisoning the relationship, it feels to me like she has her life sorted - she works (to keep her out of the house) but it doesn't matter if nothing comes of it so its more like a hobby or vocation.

Should i just accept this and keep going, but it's all becoming like a treadmill to me
 

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Can you support the two of you? Why are there shortfalls? Why have you chosen to do more housework when you're the one trying to provide? Why do you keep trying to make her happy when all she does is complain?

Take back your life.
 

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I guess YOU are the "universe" that provides.

Maybe she could stop being "self employed" and get a real job that brings in an actual paycheck?

Could you get a job that pays more so you don't have to work all the time?

You need to talk about all of this with her. You are miserable and that will lead to the end of your marriage, sooner or later. She needs to understand that - you need to make her understand that your marriage is in more trouble than your finances.
 

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It sounds as if her viewpoint MIGHT be a false one, that is, she is intimidated by the need to make income, and is afraid to state her true goals as they might fall short.

I work from home telecommute about 1/2-2/3 time (during semesters) and am leery of taking on more work as I have my studies (I have housing allowance from that, and don't pay for college, it's taken care of by benefits and scholarship.)

However, I do go through times, despite having been an awesome and steady wage earner in the past, where I have a fear of really being able to cut it on my own.

Her deference to your income and her minimization of the importance of her own may be one that arises from a feeling of incompetency.

I don't know how this arises, but I know when I was married and my H was earning income, and I was saddled with most of the housework along with taking care of my kids, and then cowing to his demands to spend time with him when and where and how he desired, my confidence in earning my own way fell quite a bit.

Since divorce, my debt level has decreased and my confidence has increased. I was just now thinking about my plan to finally pay off all debt before finishing college (and to be 100% debt free with money in the bank) and to be working and paying for everything myself.

I do think some women are conflicted in relationships about income earning. For one thing, when residing together, there seems to be a sense of increased need for home-making, and this leads to more expenses, whereas someone who lives on their own, even with children, can choose to curtail/cut/forego expenses.

Whatever it is, whether it is the extra expenses of a shared household or a sense of lack of confidence, or a sense of lack of being able to do as she pleases with some of her own income, or perhaps of getting her needs met inappropriately with some of your income, the way to get to the bottom of this is by an open conversation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for the advice, I think that I just took it at face value when she said that she didn't want to be like our parents, (him working and her cooking and cleaning at home or being taken care of). My pattern in previous relationships has always been to help as much as i could around the house, because it felt equal in that they contributed to the rent/food etc. even if it wasn't down the middle. In this case it feels like she can (and does) say she's a working woman and why don't i do more at home.

I would love it if i felt that she didn't need to work (and in the past this was the case) - I've also been struggling with health issues, i have sleep apnoea that was undiagnosed for years, which means that every day is like a mountain for me to climb. This has probably affected my income too.

Ultimately we sat down, went through the finances, planned what we could each earn, and though she never gets near her figures she won't look at ways at getting more business - because in her mind it all comes in 'at the right time' and if it doesn't then it 'wasn't meant to be' in her words.

I don't think it helps asking her to get a job, she just get angry and upset.
 

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The solution to less income than expected is to adjust expenses to be in line with the actual income. Dig out the past records and start slashing. If you have health issues and they're affecting your sleep, and you're self-employed, the writing's on the wall. You have to spend/invest more time in getting better, that means less income. Your other half can't/won't earn more income. I'd be looking at a studio apartment and living with minimal car expenses if I were in your shoes. Slashing expenses when income can't or won't measure up is the only way to balance the books and to alleviate stress related to finances. This kind of issue isn't going to go away on its own, obviously. Please tell me you don't have lots of debt????
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
yep - loads of debt and its mostly in my name, thats also causing resentment as I own half the building that she runs her business from, selling up would cancel most of my debt, but forcing her to sell or getting her a mortgage seems to be impossible, though i'm thinking of giving her an ultimatum - say April/May/summer to start to turn her business around.
 

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Can you support the two of you? Why are there shortfalls? Why have you chosen to do more housework when you're the one trying to provide? Why do you keep trying to make her happy when all she does is complain?

Take back your life.
Do you guys even have kids? Unless you have kids too young to be in school, no way are childcare, home keeping, and errands equivalent to a full-time job.

She just wants to have a soft existence and complains regardless of her role. No one lives for free - period.
 
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