Sorry for the lengthy past story but I feel it's needed. My wife and I met while I was in the military. She was 18 and I was 23. We dated for 3 1/2 months and at that point I had already begun searching for an engagement ring. Soon after she told me that she was pregnant and without even thinking about it for a single second I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I know this all seems incredibly short term, but we did love each other and this is where we both wanted to be. I ended up getting injured then later medically discharged. We then moved across the country to where I was from because there really wasn't much of an opportunity for her and I to grow as a family there nor for our son.
We were happy. Adapting to our new life and were on the same page about our future, our goals, and our plans. We did argue from time to time, but there has never been a physical altercation or even name calling between us. We eventually had another son and our marriage continued to flourish.
She has never been good at communicating with me and has always resorted to "drinking down" emotions or just holding them in until a boiling point is reached. Me on the other hand would rather talk out our problems if they are enough to bother us. I have always held to my father's advice of never going to bed angry.
At our 5 year point I had been laid off 5 times in 6 months once the economy took a turn and had a low feeling of self worth. I felt at the time that I was failing my family for this and was questioning if I was the best option for them. I actually considered the possibility of them being on their own so that I couldn't bring them down any further. At the same time she was talking about having another child and even renewing our vows. I was stressed and used the excuse of waiting until our 10 year anniversary to renew and to wait until finances and life was at a better point to consider having another baby.
Her father had the presented the opportunity for me to move back across the country and work for almost 4 times my hourly wages I had been earning with the idea that our family would move there shortly after we could afford it. This is exactly what we did. My time apart from her and my boys was one of the toughest experiences I had gone through but I knew it was for the best. This brought a moment of clarity to me, I wasn't falling out of love with her I was willing to give everything to make their lives the best I possibly could and that my love had grown from the initial lusting, warm fuzzy feelings to something that was far greater. Once we moved everyone back I explained to her how I felt and how grateful I truly was.
Work eventually dried up and we did move back to where I was from. She felt that going back home made her realize that it wasn't as great there as she had hoped and actually preferred we move away. Within a week her and I both had very good paying jobs and for the first time our plans were actually coming to fruition.
I had shoulder surgery in January through the VA and they basically restricted me from ever working any manual labor jobs for the remainder of my life. So now I am using my benefits to go to school full time and have now become the "house husband." I clean the kitchen in its entirety, vacuum the house, bathrooms, yard work, I cook 99.9% of all meals, as well as half the laundry. She now works full-time almost an hour away at the same job that is incredibly stressful on her. She also is within 4 months from finishing her bachelor's that she has been working on for the last several years.
Which brings us to current events... A few weeks ago she went out with friends, which due to both of us being at fault, doesn't happen often. She cancelled plans afterwords with me and stay away. Wouldn't call to tell me just kept saying I will call you in a little bit...4 hours passed and nothing. Just texts saying she'd call in a bit. I was worried, she does have a drinking problem and I've always been there to take care of her for it. The next day our boys were wondering where she was as we had plans to do something together. When she came home she was acting guilty and ashamed. I was upset and I told her so, I felt disappointed that the one time we do try to make a romantic night with the two of us, there always seems to be something that she allows to change it. A week later, she told me she loved me and cared about me, but was no longer in love with me. She doesn't want to talk to someone, she doesn't want to try to fix anything, she just said she wanted a divorce.
After talking she admitted to being emotionally checked out form us and has checked in with her friends, one of which is a guy who she admits is fun, but is not worth getting involved with due to knowing what kind of an impact he could bring to our kids and that he has a lot of issues. She said she just wants to be alone, and thinks she is just cold hearted and wants to be single.
I talked to our pastor and she basically told me to give her space and allow her and I to reflect upon ourselves. My wife agreed that with Christmas being here and our sons being 5 and 7 that we didn't want them associating divorce and loss with the holidays we were going to make things seem fine for them while they are awake. Her and I however were not going to talk about us, because when I do she feels guilty and worse about the situation.
I have no other choice at this point than to let her have her space. My problem is that when I see her, I do want to hold her, hug her, and tell her how I feel about her. But I do want her to see what I see in her, and I sincerely hope that space can do that. We live under the same roof, and financially can't afford any other arrangements. I have cleaned out the spare room so I can at least sleep there. I'm not sure if I should continue doing all the household chores and cooking for her. Her main responsibility in the house was to help with laundry and assign bill payments.
One of our big issues has been she will watch shows that I'm not interested in and will text her friends so I try to find something else to do which ends up me being in the spare room on the computer. This has in itself been the root of many arguments. With me giving her space, how is this any different, and how will this do anything besides push her further away.
We have been married for 7 1/2 years, and I do love her. I still feel that she is amazing and has so much potential but at this point in time she has such a horrible sense of self its a struggle to see her be this way. I've told her that the only decision I have ever made in my life that I have never regretted was to marry her.
I feel as though she has this daily list of "life" chores made up of work, school, children, herself, then me...when she's stress or depressed I'm the easiest thing to erase.
I know a lot of babble, but at this point, sleeping and eating aren't happening for me and all I have is my thoughts.