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WS blaming A's on BS to drinking/substance abuse which he enabled to keep me busy, and still does. I believed WS, started to do what I needed too to fix me, so I could save M. However, it wasn't that. He justifying his actions..didn't really think i needed help!?! he made clear he done, tired of hurting, ill never change! Responses, blame, verbal abuse, walking away, laughing, ridicule, etc..when he was at home, he started expecting & putting down for not fulfilling wifely duties (cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc.) however, WS made clear he was still done with me. No chance of reconciling or fighting for us after 21 yrs. I allowed the sex games, coming & going, put downs bc that is what I thought I needed to get through until I was done with him. I felt worse but hungered for him. I would and wanted to save my marriage at whatever my cost including my health (lost 15 lbs). Play house & have sex every time stays w me at least one x a day. I finally let GF hear us have sex today & talked to her. He asked why? why now? I couldn't stop it on my own! He played house with me which was comforting when he was home but came & left as he chose. It tore me up every time he left...no respect, using me, & expecting it. I hate myself for hurting him today & didn't want it to come to this but I had to do what was necessary to end the games. Why do I feel like this? I didn't want this...really, wanted to let him know I was only allowing this while I needed it! Help...alone desperate, scared, played out,wishing I had never found text to begin with or let her hear us?!? How ****ed up is this? anyone understand my feelings? Very codependent, never hurt like this, worst time of my life - already lost car, working from home... stuck in house about to be evicted from as he goes and lives life back n forth! damn !!!

know I left out a lot of important details so pls feel to ask just emotional & wanting to curl up & cry! He slept on couch which is where he belongs esp since I ruined his new affair but not understanding why it bothers me? I am human but he didn't care about me, my feelings, closure, helping, supporting me...only tore me down for his personal pleasure!, . Honestly believe he let his 17 yr old son & myself get in this situation so he's guaranteed to walk away.
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