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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For those of you who have read and implemented "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, did it help in your relationship? If so, how? And, are there any of you who's SO introduced you to it as opposed to a friend or TAM? If so, how did she get you to read it?
 

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For those of you who have read and implemented "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, did it help in your relationship? If so, how? And, are there any of you who's SO introduced you to it as opposed to a friend or TAM? If so, how did she get you to read it?
All I can comment on is whether or not it helped me because I was the only one who cared enough to find literature. And no...it didn't help my problem. Feels like more of "self help" book than a relationship helper.

But others here have had more success with it.
 

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Yes... Well at least the second time. First time through, I sort of allowed myself to bend ‘what I want’ toward heavy consideration toward what my wife said she wanted me to be. I also kept it mostly secret. That didn’t help.

Second time though, she’d broken me. So I did it for myself alone. And it did work... my wife started respecting this new man who had his own mind. The key though was just being absolutely open with my wife about what I was doing and why. She wasn’t allowed (though she tried) to really comment or critique. I walked her through my insanity and how my thoughts rolled forward like dominoes because I was trying for specific outcomes; which explains why I’d seem disappointed in her all the time... covert contracts, etc.. She also learned from watching me and the talks we’d have. She adopted a lot of it into her own changes.

At first, she hated it. It meant she lost control or a voice. But over time? She sort of hates admitting it, but she prefers the changes though she can’t put a finger on why since she lost a ton of control (which in her mind is still a bad thing and triggers insecurity)...

So... I went from a sexless marriage, a completely disrespectful wife, an adulterous wife, misery and co-dependance for me... to a regular sex life, respect, faithfulness and self-confidence. It took a couple years though; no magic pill.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Well Sinnister...sorry. And Racer...awesome. I see the overall issue as my BF being too nice and I think that falls into the people pleaser spectrum. With that in mind, I keep wondering if this is the right book for him versus something on codependence or the myriad other books on people pleasing / assertiveness, etc. Any thoughts on that?
 

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Well, the book says it improves some relationships and puts the others into long overdue graves...

I don't think the book or breaking your inner "Nice Guy" is supposed to help you in your relationship. It is supposed help you become a strong individual and make you live your life the way you want it, assertively, not passive-agressively and with trying to go with the flow. That being said, it will help your relationship with a healthy partner who loves you and cares about you. It helps breaking apart from dysfunctional relationships.

The book is awesome. It should be a mandatory read in schools everywhere.

"The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire" is a pretty good book also. And although I haven't read it myself "Hold on to your N.U.T.S" has pretty good reviews, too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
One of the misgivings I have about this book is that I've gotten the impression that it's somewhere along the lines of "men need to be the head of their household" ala evangelical christianity or "take back their masculinity from the overly feminist culture" ala American conservativism. Not my cup of tea. I've also seen reviews on Amazon saying that the Freudian explanations for the behavior are misguided. But I've seen enough men on TAM extol it's virtues so have been curious. And now that I'm dealing with a man who I recoil from 'cuz he's too nice...I need to understand why.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I think it's happening because you're not over your divorce yet. Because the cure is like what you read in that other book about this dynamic. You come CLOSER to ease their insecurity. It's the exact opposite of what YOU want to do.

Besides the only person you have any control over is you. You're trying to make this square peg guy fit in your round peg hole. He's simply too needy for you right now. There is no genuine love there so all your efforts to help him will fall flat. "Recoil" is a pretty harsh word.

Just my .02
Thanks Mavash. I think you may be right...and it's why I've hesitated presenting the book or the idea of the book to him. He could be just a nice guy who I'm not ready to get close to.
 

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One of the misgivings I have about this book is that I've gotten the impression that it's somewhere along the lines of "men need to be the head of their household" ala evangelical christianity or "take back their masculinity from the overly feminist culture" ala American conservativism. Not my cup of tea. I've also seen reviews on Amazon saying that the Freudian explanations for the behavior are misguided. But I've seen enough men on TAM extol it's virtues so have been curious. And now that I'm dealing with a man who I recoil from 'cuz he's too nice...I need to understand why.
MMSL is basically the same. I like Athol's (an atheist BTW) Captain/First Officer approach. It is the same thing just worded better. The Captain takes consultation and listens to the First Officer but he gives the final say and has to live with the consequences. The Captain has to protect the "ship" (marriage) and do everything in his power to make sure it is safe.
 

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One of the misgivings I have about this book is that I've gotten the impression that it's somewhere along the lines of "men need to be the head of their household" ala evangelical christianity or "take back their masculinity from the overly feminist culture" ala American conservativism. Not my cup of tea. I've also seen reviews on Amazon saying that the Freudian explanations for the behavior are misguided. But I've seen enough men on TAM extol it's virtues so have been curious. And now that I'm dealing with a man who I recoil from 'cuz he's too nice...I need to understand why.
I read it once and now reading it again slower, putting more emphasis on the Breaking Free activities.

In nowhere in the book does it say "men need to be the head of their household." But it does say "men shouldn't be passive in their household or do stuff to gain other's appreciation".

It doesn't bash feminism but it does say it created a horde of passively pleasing men and it's growing with every generation. . We can argue the reasons for this, but it won't change the reality of the situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You have to bear with me I'm VERY protective of nice guys now that I understand them. They deserve a compassionate woman who don't feel the need to change them. You want him to change for YOU not because you have his best interests at heart and that simply won't work.
I am trying to figure out how to explain my lack of wanting to be close. It feels like more than just the fact that I'm not over my divorce yet and to that extent it is about ME. But, I do genuinely believe he is a people pleaser, which isn't good for him. I know because I'm a people pleaser too. I genuinely want to see him happy and think this tendency in him keeps him from getting what he truly wants.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
What do you mean by that exactly? Am I attracted to him? Or, how's the sex? Or something else? He's good looking. Dresses well. Has a pot belly that I'm not fond of but if everything else were better I don't think I'd focus on so much. The sex is...lackluster. He's not confident in bed. He doesn't turn me on like my ex did, but my ex was a jerk, so I kind of question what turns me on. I keep thinking of a quote by Dr. Gray in one of his books - "if you have a history of choosing bad boys and you meet a guy who turns you on like a blowtorch, run the other way." My BF doesn't turn me on like a blowtorch, so maybe that's a good thing? Yeah, not sure what to make of all this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
How's the chemistry?
Ah...Mavash...just read another post of yours. Chemistry is obviously really important to you. It is to me too. Maybe that is part of the problem here. So, in your other post you say that you've been married for a long time. Your husband is your "nice guy" after a series of bad boys? But he still lights your fire? Was there a period when he was being really nice guy that he wasn't?
 

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I do think it helped me and us, but I can easily slip back into old habits. My wife would much prefer that I be more decisive in many areas. She would rather that I just take her instead of asking if she wants to have sex. If we are going for a drive or out to eat she would much prefer that I just plan it and make the decision instead of asking her (after forty plus years I already know what she would and would not like to do). It think it also helped me in every day life at work. I am such a "people pleaser" that I can make unwise decisions so that I don't hurt anyone's feelings. It is a process!
 

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Your username brings to mind a book I read a few years back: Fire in the Belly by Sam Keen. He was one of the early founders of the mens movement so it might be somewhat dated but it's a good read (for both sexes). As others have alluded to, I will add, if he is not into self help or challenging his upbringing and beliefs, these books will fall on deaf ears. For what it's worth I dislike many of the pop-psych new age type of books... not because they are bad books but I feel they tend to rely too much on popular/feel good/quick fix type of rhetoric as opposed to the gritty gut-wrenching truths that all men must face.
 

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One of the misgivings I have about this book is that I've gotten the impression that it's somewhere along the lines of "men need to be the head of their household" ala evangelical christianity or "take back their masculinity from the overly feminist culture" ala American conservativism. Not my cup of tea. I've also seen reviews on Amazon saying that the Freudian explanations for the behavior are misguided. But I've seen enough men on TAM extol it's virtues so have been curious. And now that I'm dealing with a man who I recoil from 'cuz he's too nice...I need to understand why.
I've read the book and did not take it be hypermasculine or degrading feminisim. What it does is conceptualize the phenomenon, which also includes boys spending less time with their fathers and being taught how to be masculine by women.

It also doesn't come across Freudian to me. I saw it more as a mix of Interpersonal Therapy (discussing relationship dynamics and patterns) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (understanding faulty beliefs that impact our emotions and behaviors). I've been in therapy before :D

All I can say is that working on me has led to me regaining some of my energy and assertiveness-the things that drew my W to me in the first place. So far I've seen changes within me and W is starting to respond positively though with some initial concern. In any case, I like the newer me, or I guess some of the older me that went into hiding before we got married.
 

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Huge help, along with the techniques in Forbes Robbins Blair's Instant Self Hypnosis, which helped change behaviors & beliefs faster & easier than anything I've ever seen.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
BTW - what was your childhood like?
Why? Is it that obvious that I have issues? :D

Bipolar, closet drinker / drugger mom who was married four different times before I was 18. I got straight A's in school and clung to religion for some boundaries. Blah, blah, blah.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I take this to mean if you have a history of being turned on by only bad boys aka drama and chaos then you will have to be alert. You might also have to retrain yourself to have healthy sex instead of one that needs a bad boy to fuel it.

Make sense?
But not to settle for a nice guy who doesn't turn me on?
 
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