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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Not sure if the wife is cheating, please help, I will try to be concise.
Evidence:
*lots of sexy underwear in her drawer she never wears with me, but I have seen her wear to work
*when I suggested a surprise weekday dinner out, she exclaimed "noooo!!" as if I was interupting other plans she was looking forward too. She quickly backed off and accepted the "date".
*passionless sex without eye contact or any effort on her part, just a chore.
* comments accusing me of cheating, and negative comments regarding my character, basic bickering, and pointedly "You better make more money so you can keep me".

Investigation:
*Installed a VAR, found nothing, though I only did it for a week.
*found no other evidence, no red flags, just my "gut feeling".

Confrontation:
I can't shake this "gut feeling" that something is up, so, as we were preparing for a trip abroad, I asked her at dinner "Do you still want to be in a realtionship with me... I had a feeling perhaps you were seeing someone else"...

*Her first response was "WHy are you bringing this up now?" , and she looked "concerned"and listened while eating and not making eye contact.
*I ask "why all the sexy underwear, I never see it, and why do you wear it to work", and she was somewhat speechless, said the underwear was uncomfortable to her, and anyway she didn't have that much sexy underwear, we look thru her drawer and it is actually more than 50% of what is in the drawer. She got a guilty look on her face, a sheepish smile.
*"Are you seeing someone at work"...and she laughed and asked if I saw all the ugly men she worked with. Then she mentioned she was "insulted" that I believe she would cheat, because cheating was a "character flaw" and "disgraceful". Then she CHANGED THE SUBJECT...
*I ask "Do you believe I cheat" and she laughed disrespectfully, as if this is incomprehensible, and said she doesn't suspect me of cheating. (My impression, she implied no woman would want me?).
*Then I asked about her old boyfriend, she once told me that he called her asking to meet for drinks. At this point she says THIS NEVER HAPPENED...then she added that I have a lot of baggage from my previous experience with the cheating X... and she insisted that I BELIEVE that she did not cheat.

NOW I see different behavior
*she became much nicer to me, now has "present sex" where she looks at me and makes an effort.
*A week later she brings this up out-of-the-blue: "I didn't cheat and I will take a lie detector test if you like".
* out-of-the-blue she tells me she loves me, and has mentioned that we will never get a divorce since "neither of us cheats".

I don't know what to make of all this. I am leaning towards believing she cheated, but I am also somewhat paranoid due to my x-wife's infidelity. I am confused. Any insight is greatly appreciated.
 

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Hi,

To be fair it sounds like maybe she was *thinking* of it and your talk gave her a kick up the back side.

I don't think you have enough to go on beyond that.

On the other hand, my vstbxw did say all of the above when I challenged her and we maintained a good sex life pretty much throughout the 2 1/2 year pa she had with a loser.

She also began to swear on our kids' lives that she hadn't cheated - when she had cheated the very night before.

So, after I started typing thinking you are being paranoid, I have finished by thinking your wife is banging someone else silly and you got close to catching her, so now she is covering it up...
 

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tell her that yes - you can't shake the nagging feeling that she's been seeing someone - even if not for sex. You appreciate her gesture because you want to have a deep relationship with her.

Thank her for being "present" and tell her you noticed the difference and are grateful she's been so committed lately. You want to continue that way. Ask her if there's anything you can do to improve the marriage.

Offer to take a poly with her. Then see if she backs out or argues against the poly for whatever reason. ANY reason is a red flag.
 

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if it waks like a duck.......... trust your gut and keep snooping until your satisfyed shes not ,but don't be to surprised if she is thats a lot of red flags in my book.
 

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I was in a similar situation. I even saw emails that were passed between my wife and another guy. She even met him. She denied it for a long time and yes lied very good. Eventually she came clean. She said it wasn't sexual. I believed her but knew at the very least it was an emotional affair which I considered as worse and could lead to physical anyway. The decision really became do I love her and want to try to make it work. I decided to make it work. We went to counseling to improve communication between us. It has helped. If I were you I would probably forget what happened or might have happened in the past and focus on the future if you want to save the marriage. Your wife is making an obvious effort so give her the chance. I agree with a previous poster she might have been considering an affair but may not have gone through with it.

Bottom line is she said the affair wasn't physical and agreed not to speak to contact the guy anymore.
 

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No evidence. I'd say no. Maybe she was thinking about it, but you have nothing to go on.

Keep being vigilant. Keylogger on the computer.

Check cell phone logs on-line.

Does she let you see her phone?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
thanks for the responses, and, Chris989, the laughs.

I am ambiguous, but having been thru this before, as I told my wife "I can't be fooled", since it is mostly a "feeling" that can be most telling.

I agree that this requires more snooping, there are a lot of red flags, also including she asked to break it off once.

I feel like I married the same woman as my X: she sees me as second best, but good enough until something better comes along.

I did notice that when I asked if she was cheating she didn't say "I am happy and love and respect you to much" she said "It is a character flaw to cheat".

Does anyone think offering to take a lie detector test was a sign of guilt?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
All the stuff she is doing will taper off when she thinks you are off the trail...throw her a bait to see if she takes it..!!
I am thinking about this too, perhaps have a man approach her and see if she is receptive. Or maybe a GPS, or more VAR.

Since we do not live together she does have a lot of time and opportunity to cheat. Another bit of evidence came when she smirked and said "If you have suspicians perhaps you should move in with me".
 

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No evidence. I'd say no. Maybe she was thinking about it, but you have nothing to go on.

Keep being vigilant. Keylogger on the computer.

Check cell phone logs on-line.

Does she let you see her phone?
:iagree:

I thought it was just my WW that was addicted to her phone, but after coming to TAM I found most cheaters lock that thing up like Ft. Knox subconsciously. Have you checked you cell records? Does she stay up late at night after you are gone to bed? Some other similar threads for cheaters.

Definitely red flags there for me, admittedly not knowing your exact situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
I was in a similar situation. I even saw emails that were passed between my wife and another guy. She even met him. She denied it for a long time and yes lied very good. Eventually she came clean. She said it wasn't sexual. I believed her but knew at the very least it was an emotional affair which I considered as worse and could lead to physical anyway. The decision really became do I love her and want to try to make it work. I decided to make it work. We went to counseling to improve communication between us. It has helped. If I were you I would probably forget what happened or might have happened in the past and focus on the future if you want to save the marriage. Your wife is making an obvious effort so give her the chance. I agree with a previous poster she might have been considering an affair but may not have gone through with it.

Bottom line is she said the affair wasn't physical and agreed not to speak to contact the guy anymore.
Thanks for the advice, we have a good enough relationship, been married 7 years now, I just don't want to be blind-sided again. If I were you, I would have concerns as well.
 

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Im running into the 180 degree change with my W as well. I did something that allowed me to bring up a conversation and the next day she is completely different...and has remained that way for about two weeks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
:iagree:

I thought it was just my WW that was addicted to her phone, but after coming to TAM I found most cheaters lock that thing up like Ft. Knox subconsciously. Have you checked you cell records? Does she stay up late at night after you are gone to bed? Some other similar threads for cheaters.

Definitely red flags there for me, admittedly not knowing your exact situation.
None of this, she is not into modern devices, no FB, no IM, doesn't really text, leaves her phone right there in the open, is not secretive.

Biggest red flag is the underwear. WHy so much if it is "itchy", why keep buying it, or having it in your drawer if you never wear it with me? I just can't get over this detail.
 

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If you haven't already done so and you actually have a joint cell-phone account with her, it's high time that you start examining her cell phone call and text logs, for say the past year. It's contingent upon you to see when and where she's been placing, as well as receiving calls and texts.

After due examination, if you should find that there's an inordinate number of calls/texts to or from a particular phone number other than your own, then I'd greatly say that that would indeed be your "smoking gun."
 

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She might have been thinking about it, then realised if she did cheat, she'd be as bad as your xw. Maybe she talked herself out of it in her discussion with you?
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Im running into the 180 degree change with my W as well. I did something that allowed me to bring up a conversation and the next day she is completely different...and has remained that way for about two weeks.
I am not interested in a poly as I do not believe it is accurate, and failing can be explained away. Does anyone have experiences with this?

Behavior can be telling, and I can't shake the fact that after I brought this up, she is much nicer to me, though it is tapering off a bit too.

THis is hard to interpret: a sign of guilt, or is it done because she is concerned that I do not feel secure in the relationship?

If she were truly "angry" that I suspect her of infidelity, wouldn't she be "less nice", and angrily bring it up "Perhaps we will stay married long-term, as long as you stop accusing me of cheating" as opposed to being nicer and saying sheepishly "We will stay together since neither of us cheats", waiting to see my response.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
She might have been thinking about it, then realised if she did cheat, she'd be as bad as your xw. Maybe she talked herself out of it in her discussion with you?
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I've gotten mixed messages from her regarding infidelity. Since we do not live together full-time, she mentioned, more than once, that she would rather have me get a girlfriend than move into my house. She has also said that if she catches me cheating she will divorce me. Conversely, when her sister's husband was cheating, she thought it would be permissible if he only treated her sister well while having girlfriends on the side.

SHe has a "dark-side" and I mentioned to her that while I know she is not the type to be unfaithful, "you have a dark side" and she admitted this in a guilty manner, not making eye contact with me when she said it.
 
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