Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 35 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
172 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So, we broke up today.
His ex said that if he does not dump me, she will take their kid from him.

She knows Nothing about me, family, education, etc and refuses to talk to me.

I even offered to pay her child support and alimony for the next year, from my pocket.

She treats him like a babysitter, insults him in front of their son and that’s sick.
I’m so mad.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,657 Posts
From what you've told us, yes, it sounds like he did marry a b. My husband certainly did the first time around. I asked him one day "What were you thinking?!?" His response was "Darling, clearly I wasn't thinking was I?" lol.

You dodged a bullet sweetie, he's still letting her control his life and until he puts his foot down it will only get worse, and you'll get caught in the crossfire.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
653 Posts
So, we broke up today.
His ex said that if he does not dump me, she will take their kid from him.

She knows Nothing about me, family, education, etc and refuses to talk to me.

I even offered to pay her child support and alimony for the next year, from my pocket.

She treats him like a babysitter, insults him in front of their son and that’s sick.
I’m so mad.
He sounds worthless.

Please consider why you are attracted to men like him.

You might consider him noble for valuing his child. I don’t. His rights are protected by the courts. No, the family courts are not biased against men. Twenty years ago, yes, but not now. The courts presume joint custody unless there’s a good reason to award sole custody, and they don’t reflexively give the kids to the mother anymore.

Alimony? Unless you live in CA or NJ, it’s a limited remedy primarily for homemakers. Does he make far more money than her? Instead of paying his child support and alimony, pay his attorney fees to defend his rights... if you were to pay anything.

Find a man with a backbone.

And if he chokes you until you pass out... really?
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
42,593 Posts
So, we broke up today.
His ex said that if he does not dump me, she will take their kid from him.

She knows Nothing about me, family, education, etc and refuses to talk to me.

I even offered to pay her child support and alimony for the next year, from my pocket.

She treats him like a babysitter, insults him in front of their son and that’s sick.
I’m so mad.
Your issue is not her, it's him. He allows her to be like this. It's a game they play. There's a good book about this from the 1990's:
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis

They are playing 2 games:
  • Kick Me
  • Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a *****

You are so lucky that he is no longer in your life.

When did you start dating this guy? Was he already divorce? in the process of a divorce? or did you have an affair with him while he was married?


.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
42,593 Posts
So, we broke up today.

His ex said that if he does not dump me, she will take their kid from him.
He's lying to you. His wife cannot take his children away from him. He has legal rights as their father. All he needs to do is to get a lawyer and they court will smack down any attempt to keep the children away from him.

She knows Nothing about me, family, education, etc and refuses to talk to me.
She has no reason to talk to you. This is all between your ex and his ex-wife. Why do you want to interject yourself between him and his ex?

I even offered to pay her child support and alimony for the next year, from my pocket.
Why on earth would you pay her child support and alimony? Again, this is you interjecting yourself into their relationship. It's not your place.

Why can't he pay the child support and alimony he owes to his ex? What do you have to do with any of that?

She treats him like a babysitter, insults him in front of their son and that’s sick.
He allows himself to be threated that way. You do not realize it yet, but you are so lucky to be rid of this very weak man.

Or, could he be a man who is just using his ex as the excuse to break up with you? That way he makes her the 'bad guy'? I suspect this might be the situation because he turned down you lucrative/generous offer to pay his alimony & child support.

Either way, his actions are passive aggressive.

And he hits you too? Really? This is what you want?

I’m so mad.
Send her a big bouquet of roses, she did you a favor by getting him to show you what a passive aggressive game player he is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,133 Posts
@TheDudeLebowski and @frusdil

Here is her post from a few months ago that I was referring too, though I didn’t re-read the entire thread. I don’t know if this is the same guy without her confirming that. I would like to know though...

Well, it has been a long time since I was on here and my life has been complete chaos.

I was dating a man. 11 years younger than me, highly educated, extremely intelligent, fun to be with and an amazing lover. I was totally in love with him. Our relationship was really up and down though. I thought he was undiagnosed bipolar (which I now know is true).
We moved in together eventually, and the first 10 days (yes days) were amazing. Day 11 came. We went to the beach and did a bit of drinking. When we got home, I decided to go visit my kids for a bit and my ex followed me back to make sure I got home safely.

As soon as I got into our apartment he snapped. He had been drinking while I was gone and was mad that I was at my old house with my ex and my kids.
Needless to say, he attacked me and beat me, choking me to within seconds of me passing out. When he wasn’t choking me, I managed to scream for help. When he stopped, he tried to make a run for it, but the police were already there and waiting for him and he was arrested.


I moved out the next day back into my home with my ex and my children. Over the following 2 months he repeatedly broke his bail conditions by contacting me despite a restraining order and stalking me. I was a mess.
Eventually he plead guilty to all of his charges (12 in total) and made a deal and received a jail sentence.
For 2 years after his release there was a restraining order. I sold my house and moved to a different part of town and my love life was relatively peaceful.

So, let’s fast forward to the present.
I have been having difficulties with my teenage son and am completely stressed out.
I think about my ex regularly, and I have no ill will towards him, I am still deeply in love with this man despite what he did. I went to counselling and I forgave him for what he did, not for him, but myself.

Last weekend I had some massive issues with my son, and I needed to have some fun before I totally lost my mind from the stress, so I was stupid and I reached out to my ex on Facebook. Big mistake. We started talking, and despite everything (criminal record, family not talking to him, damaging his career and owing the government money) he too has really strong feelings for me and told me that he is still madly in love with me, 3 years after everything went insane.
He wanted to meet up with me and I agreed.
I met him in a location near my new home for safety reasons and we ended up going for a drive and talking for hours. Discussing things that happened during the chaos and how life has been ever since for both of us. We had an amazing time together. It was just like the good old days and like we had never been apart. We ended up making love, which was mind blowing like it use to be and then then he brought me close to home. I still have trust issues so he only knows the general area where I live, but does not know my actual address.

We kissed and hugged goodbye and he left. I was literally on cloud 9 for days after. I felt so good.

So, we have been in daily contact with each other since then. I have been hiding that from my friends and family. They completely hate him and if they knew that we had met up and been together, they would go insane on me.
I know that seeing him again was wrong and unsafe for me, however we both still deeply love each other and seem to have this indestructible bond.

Has anyone else ever gone through something like this? I know that I need to move on, and I have tried very hard over the past 3 years, but I am stuck. He is stuck.
He is managing the medical condition that probably had a lot to do with how our relationship was and how it ended, which is good because I tried to get him help when we were together but was not successful.

I am fearful to give him another chance. I know how everyone will react and it will not be good, but this bond between us is so strong that I am having a hard time fighting it and I just wish certain things never happened, but they did.

I am so torn.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,398 Posts
Thankyou @ Spicy

If OP is still with this man, she ought to run for the hills. Why on earth would you pay for his responsibilities?
You sound intelligent enough but you have no common sense to be involved with a man like this, I don't care how good the sex is or how manipulative he is to put you on cloud9 yadda yadda.
Girl, the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and be glad that this POS man is out of your life, now follow through.
Next thing you need to do is go to a therapist and sort yourself out. Any woman who would put up with the kind of treatment you have been putting up with from this POS really needs to explore what is going on under her hood. It's like a car that starts smoking from under the bonnet, something is not right. YOU need help to figure out who you are, what you want, what you need to live a rich fulfilling life without all this drama, no man is worth that. Where is your self-esteem.
I bet your relationships with your kids and others will improve a thousand fold if you work on yourself first and forget about the men.

So in answer to your question

Yes your ex married a B but he is also a B of another persuasion and you are a fool for getting sucked into all that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
172 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Honestly, different guy.
We met 2 years ago while he was still married and one day she packed up her stuff and took their son to live with another man in a different state. I live in Canada.

We started talking again after his divorce and then broke up because of distance and stuff.

I was stupid and got back with my abusive ex for a bit, then dumped him when I saw there was no change in him.

During that time, I remained friends with ex married guy and then things progressed to today.

Everyone is right. He has no back bone.
He claims to be unhappy when he is close to her and today she told him basically it was me or their child.

I offered the support and alimony because he planned to come here and would not be able to work for around a year and I was trying to offer an olive branch. Over the year, it would have cost me around $20,000.
I also offered to make sure his car was maintained and asked him to just stay with me 1 weekend a month. I offered to pay for all his expenses going down 3 times a month for visits, and they would be video chatting every night on the phone.

I did not think I was being unreasonable.

He left some things up here last time he came to visit me. I will be packing them up and mailing them to him hopefully this week.

I waited 2 years almost for him. I am not waiting anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,787 Posts
Honestly, different guy.
We met 2 years ago while he was still married and one day she packed up her stuff and took their son to live with another man in a different state. I live in Canada.

We started talking again after his divorce and then broke up because of distance and stuff.

I was stupid and got back with my abusive ex for a bit, then dumped him when I saw there was no change in him.

During that time, I remained friends with ex married guy and then things progressed to today.

Everyone is right. He has no back bone.
He claims to be unhappy when he is close to her and today she told him basically it was me or their child.

I offered the support and alimony because he planned to come here and would not be able to work for around a year and I was trying to offer an olive branch. Over the year, it would have cost me around $20,000.
I also offered to make sure his car was maintained and asked him to just stay with me 1 weekend a month. I offered to pay for all his expenses going down 3 times a month for visits, and they would be video chatting every night on the phone.

I did not think I was being unreasonable.

He left some things up here last time he came to visit me. I will be packing them up and mailing them to him hopefully this week.

I waited 2 years almost for him. I am not waiting anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Glad to know it's not your abusive ex. But hon, you need to fix your picker. I say that respectfully. You seem to pick men that aren't able to bring equally to the relationship. Your offerings here were way over the top.

Glad to hear you're not waiting for him anymore. Choose someone who is on a more level playing field as you. Stay away from this current drama.

PS-I would have zero use for someone who would pick me over their child.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,394 Posts
Send her a big bouquet of roses, she did you a favor by getting him to show you what a passive aggressive game player he is.
This is exactly what should be done. You have dodged the bullet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
172 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
He needs to stay near his child.


And he is. She moved 9 hours away for a guy she met on the net and only met in person twice. He left all of his friends, family and quit his very well paying job to follow her and live with her and her new bf. Someone that lied to him, cheated on him and then took him to the cleaners.

I agree, children come first, but there were a lot of ways to make it work and I was more than willing to do anything to make it work.
I lost.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
1 - 20 of 35 Posts
Top