[goodguy401]

My wife has know and worked with (not directly but as part of an association) this other man for about a year and a half. We have been married 10+ years and just recently it seemed we had reached the happiest place we had been since the very beginning of our relationship. However, she started talking about and spending more and more time with this recently divorced man and was also working for his business directly and through this association of business owners. The time she spent at his place of business extended beyond just work engagements. I started becoming suspicous of all the time and energy that was being directed towards this other man and his business. My wife responded to my inquiries that they were just good friends and she was feeling sorry for him going through this recent divorce. She said he seemed lonely and she was just trying to be a good friend.

However, the being a good friend extended to what could only be described as a flirty relationship. Communication was in person, on the phone and then an increasing amount of texting. I had suspicions that went back months and had intercepted a text of two that made me wonder. Things from her like "I know you like redheads best" when she texted him a picture of him with two blondes. Then texts referring to him as "boyfriend" or do "I need to get a new boyfriend since you don't respond to my texts". I also had a chance to meet the other man in a social situation and he was a total pompous ass. He put me down about one of my hobbies on the first meeting. Then on the 2nd social meeting he went on to berate my wife on her work in front of me and others (friends of my wife) for about an hour. I told my wife how uncomfortable I was and she said that I didn't understand their relationship (bantering at such). However, when discussing the situation with her friend she said that she was "very uncomfortable with the line of conversation".

Fast forward a few more months of feeling uneasy and her talking about and spending more time away from the family to be at his place of business (the business would be considered a place where you can gather socially). I continued to ask her if she had feelings for this man as my gut was telling me something was not right. This behavior was not like her. Anyway, after not being able to stand it any longer and seeing them texting each other frequently I finally decided that I needed to do some investigation to find out if something was "actually" going on or if my wife was just a flirt (which I know her to be). I looked at her phone when she was asleep one a couple different occasions. Again, just some flirty stuff from her (but not from him) and things like signing off "Nite Nite" and "xxoo". I kept inquiring and then she changed her password on her phone and started deleting their texts nightly. Because I was still suspicious I found software online that would allow me to download and save on my computer all her deleted texts.

I did so and found more things that seemed inappropriate. Texts like "I am kidless and dateless want to meet me at XYZ". Things like "do you miss me"? "I am here now can I get a hug". Again, less communication on his part and nothing really flirty from his end. I was also able to put together that she had given me "white lies" about her plans and whereabouts so she could spend more time at his place of business. This was after I had told her I was uncomfortable with their texting, etc. This is when I couldn't take it any longer and I printed out her white lies and these flirty texts. She responded that there was nothing going on and why did I break into her phone, etc.

Finally she came clean that she had a crush on him and was "playing with fire". However, again claimed adamently that nothing happened physically. She claimed it had to do with self esteem issues, etc. In essence that she needed an ego "pick me up". She left for a handful of days to think about why she had done this and how she felt about our marriage (which she said she was actually happy with but had just settled into this safe place).

I flew off the handle a bit and said some hurtful things (I was worried about losing my family--we have a son). I also set-up a meeting with the other man. But I worded it very carefully not to accuse him of anything (since I had read all the texts going back about a year). I worded it that I wanted to get to know him better so things would be better at home. He agreed to meet me and let me know about some concerns that he had with her behavior as well. Then here came the bomb. She found out about this secret meeting and flipped out. She claimed that I had met him behind her back in order to severe their friendship. This was not the case. My wife is super strong willed and I knew that she wouldn't stop working with him. I knew I would need to find a way to reconcile this without asking he to stop working with him. I also wanted to talk to him and see if I could rule out anything more then a EM.

My wife turned all this on me after finding out about this meeting. I was the bad guy that was out to sabotage her reputation within her industry and her relationship with this other man. She started talking about leaving me, etc. But she wanted to give it some time and see. I have worked so hard for this woman and our family. She seems to bring drama into her world at every turn.

Sorry so long. So first question, can this be considered an EM if the other party didn't reciprocate? He was working with her so he couldn't just ignore her communication. He told me in our meeting that she made him feel uncomfortable in several work situations (just being too needy, etc.).

Secondly, does she have a leg to stand on that my reaction was out of line? From my perspective I went into "save my family" mode. This was the reason for the meet and greet with the other man.

Thoughts?

 

[Jonesey]

My wife has know and worked with (not directly but as part of an association) this other man for about a year and a half. We have been married 10+ years and just recently it seemed we had reached the happiest place we had been since the very beginning of our relationship. However, she started talking about and spending more and more time with this recently divorced man and was also working for his business directly and through this association of business owners. The time she spent at his place of business extended beyond just work engagements. I started becoming suspicous of all the time and energy that was being directed towards this other man and his business. My wife responded to my inquiries that they were just good friends and she was feeling sorry for him going through this recent divorce. She said he seemed lonely and she was just trying to be a good friend.

However, the being a good friend extended to what could only be described as a flirty relationship. Communication was in person, on the phone and then an increasing amount of texting. I had suspicions that went back months and had intercepted a text of two that made me wonder. Things from her like "I know you like redheads best" when she texted him a picture of him with two blondes. Then texts referring to him as "boyfriend" or do "I need to get a new boyfriend since you don't respond to my texts". I also had a chance to meet the other man in a social situation and he was a total pompous ass. He put me down about one of my hobbies on the first meeting. Then on the 2nd social meeting he went on to berate my wife on her work in front of me and others (friends of my wife) for about an hour. I told my wife how uncomfortable I was and she said that I didn't understand their relationship (bantering at such). However, when discussing the situation with her friend she said that she was "very uncomfortable with the line of conversation".

Fast forward a few more months of feeling uneasy and her talking about and spending more time away from the family to be at his place of business (the business would be considered a place where you can gather socially). I continued to ask her if she had feelings for this man as my gut was telling me something was not right. This behavior was not like her. Anyway, after not being able to stand it any longer and seeing them texting each other frequently I finally decided that I needed to do some investigation to find out if something was "actually" going on or if my wife was just a flirt (which I know her to be). I looked at her phone when she was asleep one a couple different occasions. Again, just some flirty stuff from her (but not from him) and things like signing off "Nite Nite" and "xxoo". I kept inquiring and then she changed her password on her phone and started deleting their texts nightly. Because I was still suspicious I found software online that would allow me to download and save on my computer all her deleted texts.

I did so and found more things that seemed inappropriate. Texts like "I am kidless and dateless want to meet me at XYZ". Things like "do you miss me"? "I am here now can I get a hug". Again, less communication on his part and nothing really flirty from his end. I was also able to put together that she had given me "white lies" about her plans and whereabouts so she could spend more time at his place of business. This was after I had told her I was uncomfortable with their texting, etc. This is when I couldn't take it any longer and I printed out her white lies and these flirty texts. She responded that there was nothing going on and why did I break into her phone, etc.

Finally she came clean that she had a crush on him and was "playing with fire". However, again claimed adamently that nothing happened physically. She claimed it had to do with self esteem issues, etc. In essence that she needed an ego "pick me up". She left for a handful of days to think about why she had done this and how she felt about our marriage (which she said she was actually happy with but had just settled into this safe place).

I flew off the handle a bit and said some hurtful things (I was worried about losing my family--we have a son). I also set-up a meeting with the other man. But I worded it very carefully not to accuse him of anything (since I had read all the texts going back about a year). I worded it that I wanted to get to know him better so things would be better at home. He agreed to meet me and let me know about some concerns that he had with her behavior as well. Then here came the bomb. She found out about this secret meeting and flipped out. She claimed that I had met him behind her back in order to severe their friendship. This was not the case. My wife is super strong willed and I knew that she wouldn't stop working with him. I knew I would need to find a way to reconcile this without asking he to stop working with him. I also wanted to talk to him and see if I could rule out anything more then a EM.

My wife turned all this on me after finding out about this meeting. I was the bad guy that was out to sabotage her reputation within her industry and her relationship with this other man. She started talking about leaving me, etc. But she wanted to give it some time and see. I have worked so hard for this woman and our family. She seems to bring drama into her world at every turn.

Sorry so long. So first question, can this be considered an EM if the other party didn't reciprocate? He was working with her so he couldn't just ignore her communication. He told me in our meeting that she made him feel uncomfortable in several work situations (just being too needy, etc.).

Secondly, does she have a leg to stand on that my reaction was out of line? From my perspective I went into "save my family" mode. This was the reason for the meet and greet with the other man.

Thoughts?

read the bolded ..He put me down about one of my hobbies on the first meeting.Your Wife just stood and took it..Yeas she is cheating. Sorry

 

[Jonesey]

Forgot put a key logger on your home computer.And put Some VAR in her car..

 

[walkonmars]

My wife turned all this on me after finding out about this meeting. I was the bad guy that was out to sabotage her reputation within her industry and her relationship with this other man.
Thoughts?

1. You: "Yes I met with him and he confirmed that your communications with him are borderline inappropriate and of concern to him. I'm protecting OUR marriage and if that means you have a chance to lose a friend then consider it better than having a chance at losing a husband and family"

2. Her 'pick me up self-esteem' is understandable but not at the price of costing you your self-esteem and dignity.

 

[Cdelta02]

Don't assume that just because he hasn't sent provocative texts that there is no PA. he may be smart enough to keep his side of the conversation clear. Or if he is in just for the booty, he may not really care much for texts when he knows he can get more without trying. Use the VAR and key logger as suggested. If there are patterns when she is out more, consider a PI. Also now you should consider that if the is a PA it's gone underground.

 

[Kasler]

Let her get mad. You get madder. Shes having an EA and texting this guy.

Don't let her flip it on you.

Lay down the law, make it known that when it comes to the marriage you won't take any bullsh!t cause sometimes the wayward will only respond to harsh action.

Also you shouldn't be this guys number 1 fan just because his text are flirty. He may just be keeping his nondescript so if a BS sees it they won't be suspicious.

You may be dealing with a serious player here. Many men have met wtih husbands, shown 'concerns' and swear nothings happening or going to, but they'll still be getting oral from the BS's wife in the back of a car a week later.

Common misconception of the BS is that "They need time to go PA" not really. A broom closet, 3 minutes out in the parking lot, few minutes of stand up sex behind a stairwell, etc. Things can get physical pretty damn quick and the random nature of it usually makes the wayward crave more.


You can stop this now though by manning up. By letting her know that when marriage is being threatened(and it is make no mistake) its no longer a democracy, its a dictatorship.

A lot of what we post to you may sound excessive, extreme but thats the situation you are in right now.

A 'harmless' EA can easily escalate to "I'm not happy and I want a divorce" or OM is prince charming and her soulmate and she wants to have his children and all that mess.

Because in an EA the OM/OW is some perfect partner who never judges or antagonizes them and is so understanding while the emotionally abusive wife/husband at home is the devil incarnate and the wayward will rewrite the marriage history to where shes been miserable for years.

Thats why a common complaint is "I'm not happy and have not been for years" Now some of the time, thats the case. More often than not though, they were happy but just rewrote the history of the relationship to where they weren't. Minimizing the goods, exacerbating the bads. This allows them to justify the affair from the devilish shrew or the big bad boogie man they married.

EAs are like weeds, if you don't prevent them from growing early on they'll be a huge problem later and much more costly to get rid of.

 

[Will_Kane]

So first question, can this be considered an EM if the other party didn't reciprocate? He was working with her so he couldn't just ignore her communication. He told me in our meeting that she made him feel uncomfortable in several work situations (just being too needy, etc.).

Secondly, does she have a leg to stand on that my reaction was out of line? From my perspective I went into "save my family" mode. This was the reason for the meet and greet with the other man.

Thoughts?

Your wife is "in love" with another man. She calls herself his girlfriend. She texts him "Nite Nite xxoo." This is what married women do with their husbands, not what co-workers do.

She lies to you about spending time with him. She flat out admits she has a "crush" on him. He may be using her for sex. Hard to tell based on what you posted.

This I know: She is offering herself to him. Did he take her? Will he? In her eyes, it would be a great accomplishment to bag him. He thinks he's great. So do the two blondes on his arm. Your wife would love to capture this prize.

My guess is that they have had sex on one or more occasions, but he wants to keep it casual and play the field. He may even feel some level of guilt for having sex with her, but with her throwing herself at him every waking moment, with him being single, he is likely to have a moment of weakness now and then.

I am surprised she hasn't told you that she "loves you but is not in love with you." Ask her if that's how she feels.

Now, your question: "Do I have a leg to stand on?"

How could you even ask that? She's got you so screwed up that you don't know whether you're coming or going. Can you not see that your wife is in love with him and not with you? She wants him for sex and you for financial stability and to babysit the kids. To paraphrase your wife to the other man: "I am kidless and dateless, want to meet me? (I'm available whenever you want me)"

 

[Will_Kane]

Things from her like "I know you like redheads best" when she texted him a picture of him with two blondes. Then texts referring to him as "boyfriend" or do "I need to get a new boyfriend since you don't respond to my texts".

Makes me think they had sex once, he wasn't all that thrilled with it. She calls him her boyfriend, but he doesn't respond to her texts. He already got what he wanted, no need to pursue it too hard any longer.

 

[sharkeey]

You're asking the wrong questions.

She's in the wrong yet you're questioning your own actions.

She's got your head spinning that's for sure.

 

[Kasler]

Also, big thing here. You cannot control her. Shes gonna do what shes gonna do. Unless you're able to stand behind her shoulder 24/7 you can't change. You need to give her reason to think otherwise. Let her know that if any thing happens, you're filing papers.

This isn't a threat. Tell her that if shes gonna run around doing whatever she wants then you can do the same. Like I can't control what you do, but I can control whether I choose to tolerate it. Women are attracted to decisive and in control men. Women are NOT attracted to weakness, Begging pleading, licking her boots for her to stay faithful to her vows is THE WORST thing you can do in this situation. As it makes OM look like a real man, while you are emasculated in her eyes.

Shes calling him her boyfriend and sh!t. If it hasn't gone physical(it most likely already has) its going to in short order.

Like I said in my other post, time to man up and lay down the law.

 

[Will_Kane]

Finally she came clean that she had a crush on him and was "playing with fire". However, again claimed adamently that nothing happened physically. She claimed it had to do with self esteem issues, etc. In essence that she needed an ego "pick me up".

Exactly how is it an "ego pick me up" to have other man put you down for an hour in front of your husband and your friends and ignore your texts?

 

[Will_Kane]

I also had a chance to meet the other man in a social situation and he was a total pompous ass. He put me down about one of my hobbies on the first meeting. Then on the 2nd social meeting he went on to berate my wife on her work in front of me and others (friends of my wife) for about an hour. I told my wife how uncomfortable I was and she said that I didn't understand their relationship (bantering at such). However, when discussing the situation with her friend she said that she was "very uncomfortable with the line of conversation".

Why did your wife let other man put you down without speaking up to defend you? Did you speak up to defend yourself and put him down, or just suffer in "uncomfortable" silence?

Why did you not stand up to other man as he put down your wife for about an hour? Or did you?

 

[Kasler]

Exactly how is it an "ego pick me up" to have other man put you down for an hour in front of your husband and your friends and ignore your texts?

Its not. Shes just minimizing her emotional attachment to OM.

Hes got her line and hes probably been sinking into her for quite some time.

OP needs to realize this before its too late.

 

[the guy]

Your chick is flipping this on you.....wrong!

I've been her long enouhg to know your chick is playing with fire and as her husband you have every right to protect your family.

She will label you controling so don't fall for it. LEt her know you will not control her but you will never share your wife and if she refuses the protection you have to offer then you will find another wife who wants the protection you have to offer.

See brother your old lady knows you ain't going anywere so she continues to screw with you. Hell why should she stop? She has your number.

I'm not saying you have to go all balls to the walls and cop an additude with her, but be calm but firm...YOU WILL NO LONGER SHARE YOUR WIFE........

Like I said before you can't control your wife but you can control what you will tolorate and if she wants to continue with this behavior then wish her the best and it will be on her for breaking up your kids family.......again you will not share your wife.


On a side note it might do you some good to alpha up a little and stop letting jerk off bad mouth you and your old lady. See the lack of respect you have now lost not only from your oldlady but from your self.

You can get it back though by setting up some new boundries and if those boundries are crossed then its time for the 180. A tactic of indifference that will protect you from more emotional pain your chick is dishing out to you.

Its time to get some respect back brother.....trust me I lost a lot when my chick was screwing around on me...you can get it back...we all do....what sucks is our ladies don't dig the new guys we become.....they respect us but just don't like the new guys we have become.......no longer getting pushed around by our wifes.
No longer the back up plan. No longer second choice.

Its time for the new goodguy401 to step up and ask him self, "do I diserve good thing"?

BTW, your kid will be fine once dad mans up and shows his kid he will no longer tolorate a strong willed women.

"Don't walk in front of me, don't walk behind me, but walk next to me"

 

[Entropy3000]

You should have shut this down at the very beginning. Why you would sit by and watch this going on is nothing but amazing. EAs can flare up in a few weeks. Yet you watched this get worse and worse and worse.

You stood by and watched another man steal your wife. You stood by and watched your wife give herself to another man.

 

[TDSC60]

Your wife is in love with another man.

Your wife is offering herself to him at every opportunity.

Your wife lies to you about where she is and what she is doing in order to spend time with the other man.

Your wife put a password on her phone and deletes texts daily to hide her interaction with another man.

Your wife was mad at you for approaching the other man. To her the other man is more important to her than you or your marriage.

You can not control her but you can set a boundary as far as what you are willing to accept if she remains your wife.

Normally I would say that she has to go No Contact with this man and never talk to him again, but I see that this is not going to happen since her career keeps her in contact with him. You really need to put your foot down now. She is going to be in the marriage or out of it - her choice and she has to choose now.

Be ready to let her go.

 

[sharkeey]

Yet you watched this get worse and worse and worse.

You stood by and watched abother man steal your wife. You stood by and watched your wife give herself to another man.

I think your tense is wrong.

 

[the guy]

You should have shut this down at the very beginning. Why you would sit by and watch this going on is nothing but amazing. EAs can flare up in a few weeks. Yet you watched this get worse and worse and worse.

You stood by and watched abother man steal your wife. You stood by and watched your wife give herself to another man.

Like I said his WW has his number.

OP can turn this around but she won't like it.

Sure, what of, could of, should of.....but OP was affraid he would lose his wife if he stood up to her.........A mistake I will no longer make and I'm damb sure positive the guys that have already posted replies to this thread won't either!

 

[TDSC60]

It is really amazing to me how many men on here recently are so paralyzed by the fear of what WW will do, what WW will say, what WW with think that they sit by passively and let their marriage go to hell on rails and do absolutely nothing to stop it because of fear.

After it happens they sit around and cry about it and ask "How could this have happened to me?" "How could she do this to me."

Sad for them.

 

[The bishop]

Do you really want to save your marriage cause so far you are doing the opposite. Stop being afraid, stand up for yourself and give her real consequences...
You are currently plan B. Her back up plan..

Women are not into weak, spineless men. Read some threads on here you aren't alone. You will be amazed how once you give an WS real consequences, stay strong, and start acting like you could care less about them, they wake up.

Really is the only way to snap a WS out of it and achieve true R.