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My wife has know and worked with (not directly but as part of an association) this other man for about a year and a half. We have been married 10+ years and just recently it seemed we had reached the happiest place we had been since the very beginning of our relationship. However, she started talking about and spending more and more time with this recently divorced man and was also working for his business directly and through this association of business owners. The time she spent at his place of business extended beyond just work engagements. I started becoming suspicous of all the time and energy that was being directed towards this other man and his business. My wife responded to my inquiries that they were just good friends and she was feeling sorry for him going through this recent divorce. She said he seemed lonely and she was just trying to be a good friend.
However, the being a good friend extended to what could only be described as a flirty relationship. Communication was in person, on the phone and then an increasing amount of texting. I had suspicions that went back months and had intercepted a text of two that made me wonder. Things from her like "I know you like redheads best" when she texted him a picture of him with two blondes. Then texts referring to him as "boyfriend" or do "I need to get a new boyfriend since you don't respond to my texts". I also had a chance to meet the other man in a social situation and he was a total pompous ass. He put me down about one of my hobbies on the first meeting. Then on the 2nd social meeting he went on to berate my wife on her work in front of me and others (friends of my wife) for about an hour. I told my wife how uncomfortable I was and she said that I didn't understand their relationship (bantering at such). However, when discussing the situation with her friend she said that she was "very uncomfortable with the line of conversation".
Fast forward a few more months of feeling uneasy and her talking about and spending more time away from the family to be at his place of business (the business would be considered a place where you can gather socially). I continued to ask her if she had feelings for this man as my gut was telling me something was not right. This behavior was not like her. Anyway, after not being able to stand it any longer and seeing them texting each other frequently I finally decided that I needed to do some investigation to find out if something was "actually" going on or if my wife was just a flirt (which I know her to be). I looked at her phone when she was asleep one a couple different occasions. Again, just some flirty stuff from her (but not from him) and things like signing off "Nite Nite" and "xxoo". I kept inquiring and then she changed her password on her phone and started deleting their texts nightly. Because I was still suspicious I found software online that would allow me to download and save on my computer all her deleted texts.
I did so and found more things that seemed inappropriate. Texts like "I am kidless and dateless want to meet me at XYZ". Things like "do you miss me"? "I am here now can I get a hug". Again, less communication on his part and nothing really flirty from his end. I was also able to put together that she had given me "white lies" about her plans and whereabouts so she could spend more time at his place of business. This was after I had told her I was uncomfortable with their texting, etc. This is when I couldn't take it any longer and I printed out her white lies and these flirty texts. She responded that there was nothing going on and why did I break into her phone, etc.
Finally she came clean that she had a crush on him and was "playing with fire". However, again claimed adamently that nothing happened physically. She claimed it had to do with self esteem issues, etc. In essence that she needed an ego "pick me up". She left for a handful of days to think about why she had done this and how she felt about our marriage (which she said she was actually happy with but had just settled into this safe place).
I flew off the handle a bit and said some hurtful things (I was worried about losing my family--we have a son). I also set-up a meeting with the other man. But I worded it very carefully not to accuse him of anything (since I had read all the texts going back about a year). I worded it that I wanted to get to know him better so things would be better at home. He agreed to meet me and let me know about some concerns that he had with her behavior as well. Then here came the bomb. She found out about this secret meeting and flipped out. She claimed that I had met him behind her back in order to severe their friendship. This was not the case. My wife is super strong willed and I knew that she wouldn't stop working with him. I knew I would need to find a way to reconcile this without asking he to stop working with him. I also wanted to talk to him and see if I could rule out anything more then a EM.
My wife turned all this on me after finding out about this meeting. I was the bad guy that was out to sabotage her reputation within her industry and her relationship with this other man. She started talking about leaving me, etc. But she wanted to give it some time and see. I have worked so hard for this woman and our family. She seems to bring drama into her world at every turn.
Sorry so long. So first question, can this be considered an EM if the other party didn't reciprocate? He was working with her so he couldn't just ignore her communication. He told me in our meeting that she made him feel uncomfortable in several work situations (just being too needy, etc.).
Secondly, does she have a leg to stand on that my reaction was out of line? From my perspective I went into "save my family" mode. This was the reason for the meet and greet with the other man.
Thoughts?
However, the being a good friend extended to what could only be described as a flirty relationship. Communication was in person, on the phone and then an increasing amount of texting. I had suspicions that went back months and had intercepted a text of two that made me wonder. Things from her like "I know you like redheads best" when she texted him a picture of him with two blondes. Then texts referring to him as "boyfriend" or do "I need to get a new boyfriend since you don't respond to my texts". I also had a chance to meet the other man in a social situation and he was a total pompous ass. He put me down about one of my hobbies on the first meeting. Then on the 2nd social meeting he went on to berate my wife on her work in front of me and others (friends of my wife) for about an hour. I told my wife how uncomfortable I was and she said that I didn't understand their relationship (bantering at such). However, when discussing the situation with her friend she said that she was "very uncomfortable with the line of conversation".
Fast forward a few more months of feeling uneasy and her talking about and spending more time away from the family to be at his place of business (the business would be considered a place where you can gather socially). I continued to ask her if she had feelings for this man as my gut was telling me something was not right. This behavior was not like her. Anyway, after not being able to stand it any longer and seeing them texting each other frequently I finally decided that I needed to do some investigation to find out if something was "actually" going on or if my wife was just a flirt (which I know her to be). I looked at her phone when she was asleep one a couple different occasions. Again, just some flirty stuff from her (but not from him) and things like signing off "Nite Nite" and "xxoo". I kept inquiring and then she changed her password on her phone and started deleting their texts nightly. Because I was still suspicious I found software online that would allow me to download and save on my computer all her deleted texts.
I did so and found more things that seemed inappropriate. Texts like "I am kidless and dateless want to meet me at XYZ". Things like "do you miss me"? "I am here now can I get a hug". Again, less communication on his part and nothing really flirty from his end. I was also able to put together that she had given me "white lies" about her plans and whereabouts so she could spend more time at his place of business. This was after I had told her I was uncomfortable with their texting, etc. This is when I couldn't take it any longer and I printed out her white lies and these flirty texts. She responded that there was nothing going on and why did I break into her phone, etc.
Finally she came clean that she had a crush on him and was "playing with fire". However, again claimed adamently that nothing happened physically. She claimed it had to do with self esteem issues, etc. In essence that she needed an ego "pick me up". She left for a handful of days to think about why she had done this and how she felt about our marriage (which she said she was actually happy with but had just settled into this safe place).
I flew off the handle a bit and said some hurtful things (I was worried about losing my family--we have a son). I also set-up a meeting with the other man. But I worded it very carefully not to accuse him of anything (since I had read all the texts going back about a year). I worded it that I wanted to get to know him better so things would be better at home. He agreed to meet me and let me know about some concerns that he had with her behavior as well. Then here came the bomb. She found out about this secret meeting and flipped out. She claimed that I had met him behind her back in order to severe their friendship. This was not the case. My wife is super strong willed and I knew that she wouldn't stop working with him. I knew I would need to find a way to reconcile this without asking he to stop working with him. I also wanted to talk to him and see if I could rule out anything more then a EM.
My wife turned all this on me after finding out about this meeting. I was the bad guy that was out to sabotage her reputation within her industry and her relationship with this other man. She started talking about leaving me, etc. But she wanted to give it some time and see. I have worked so hard for this woman and our family. She seems to bring drama into her world at every turn.
Sorry so long. So first question, can this be considered an EM if the other party didn't reciprocate? He was working with her so he couldn't just ignore her communication. He told me in our meeting that she made him feel uncomfortable in several work situations (just being too needy, etc.).
Secondly, does she have a leg to stand on that my reaction was out of line? From my perspective I went into "save my family" mode. This was the reason for the meet and greet with the other man.
Thoughts?