For a BS with a wife in an EA; you couldn't be more wrong. You have every reason to discretely monitor her. All you need to do is be good at it. It's a skill that can be easily learned with the help you can get here.I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse.
I agree except that I think you're failing to give your countrymen credit. I live near the Windsor border. I can be in Canada in less that 30 minutes if the crossing lanes are running smooth. If the OP lives in a border state it would be easy for his wife to physically meet up with the OM. I know a couple local wives lured to the dark side by you wily Canadian men.1. go dark on her. ZERO CONTACT.
2. call a lawyer and find out what your options are.
3. DO NOT APOLOGIZE for "invading her privacy." That's not what you did.
4. What you need to know is that she is likely spending every waking hour chatting with him, videoing him, and talking to him about what an a-hole you are and getting emotional support. What you also need to know is this Canadian dude (we get horny up here too, eh) isn't gonna fly down and steal your wife -- he's gonna laugh about it to his buddies.
5. your wife is going to escalate this the more you chase her. So stop chasing her.
6. move out of the bedroom and look up the 180.
7. gather evidence -- whatever you can -- and back it up in a safe place.
8. keep a journal with a timeline of what's been happening. It can help keep you sane and keep things straight.
There is something you need to understand here. You can tell her what your boundaries are using theme music and colorful graphs. She may even decide to agree with you. However, that doesn't mean anything at all.I wanted to thank everyone for your supportive comments. Yes I agree with you all on in a few areas. there should be transparency, I didn't handle it well, and I need to man up and work through it. I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse.
This is what I think I am going to do. Tonight after work I'm going to sit down with her and calmly and collectively talk about it. If she refuses then that's that and we will have to be done. However believe we can work through this because I'm not done fighting for her. We just need to set some boundaries and tell each other what we expect out of the relationship.
I've never been good at relationships. I came from a broken family an never really had positive male role models in my life. The male models I did have were not good AT ALL especially in relationships. What I DO know is I have loved this woman since I met her. She, until the past few weeks, has always been nothing but a beacon of love and hope for me. I cannot possible imagine what life would be like without her.
My point is that Canadian girls are awesome.I agree except that I think you're failing to give your countrymen credit. I live near the Windsor border. I can be in Canada in less that 30 minutes if the crossing lanes are running smooth. If the OP lives in a border state it would be easy for his wife to physically meet up with the OM. I know a couple local wives lured to the dark side by you wily Canadian men.
this. I could not like it more than once, so I reposted it. Please read this again, until it sinks in. You need the whole picture to decide what is right for you and you won't get it by being nice. There is no room in M for secrets, especially secrets between a spouse and OSF.well OK, but you mostly found out by being a little sneaky.
Now that you will confront her she might just take it deeper underground. just keep that in mind.
you just need to cover you bases, protect yourself from more harm.
Do what is necessary to find out what she has been doing.I'm trying to absorb as much as I can here. And I get it I need to man up and work my way through it. But I am confused should I pull a 180 or should I say screw it all together and get out? Or is that one in the same? I dont fully understand this 180 stuff.
Do what is necessary to find out what she has been doing.
If you are going to stay with her, establish and enforce boundaries.
If she continues, emotionally disengage (180) to prepare yourself for life without her. This also has a small chance of re-attracting her to you, but DO NOT do it for that reason.
I realize it may seem that I am not picking up what you are all saying. But this just happened last night and I am still so overwhelmed with it all.
Thank you. I am heading home now. Wish me luck!We get it. Its difficult but you need to recogzize you are at a critical phase. You will get more advice from those who are mpre knowledgable than me. In my mind detatch somewhat and gather more information. You cannot have a meaningful discussion without it. She will simply deflect, she is caught up in the excitement of the attention she is getting from the OM.
Like I said it early for you so you are feeling like you dont want to over react. You need to. What you are demanding is completely reasonable. Privacy is for the bahroom, secrecy has no place in a marriage.