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I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse.
For a BS with a wife in an EA; you couldn't be more wrong. You have every reason to discretely monitor her. All you need to do is be good at it. It's a skill that can be easily learned with the help you can get here.

But if you chose just to confront only, that's your call. Just be aware of one thing. Even if she agrees to stop contact and be transparent; now opens up the possibility of her taking the EA underground - being much more careful not to get caught. And that's not a good combination with a husband who refuses to monitor her.
 

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Dude, Marduk gave it to you straight. So did others.

For some reason, ppl come here looking for advice, but think we don't know what we are talking about.

My man, your situ is not unique or different. Same game, just players.

BUT think !!! She is treating YOU like this for some guys she never even met.
How bad do you think it could get, if she met someone while at the store??
Well, you just better hope not getting that kiss finally woke her up.

The biggest problem we see here, is with the BS.

I hope you and her can affair proof your marriage going forward, but if you don't take this for the serious marital violation, that it is, then you will be back here again, and it will be worst.
 

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1. go dark on her. ZERO CONTACT.
2. call a lawyer and find out what your options are.
3. DO NOT APOLOGIZE for "invading her privacy." That's not what you did.
4. What you need to know is that she is likely spending every waking hour chatting with him, videoing him, and talking to him about what an a-hole you are and getting emotional support. What you also need to know is this Canadian dude (we get horny up here too, eh) isn't gonna fly down and steal your wife -- he's gonna laugh about it to his buddies.
5. your wife is going to escalate this the more you chase her. So stop chasing her.
6. move out of the bedroom and look up the 180.
7. gather evidence -- whatever you can -- and back it up in a safe place.
8. keep a journal with a timeline of what's been happening. It can help keep you sane and keep things straight.
I agree except that I think you're failing to give your countrymen credit. I live near the Windsor border. I can be in Canada in less that 30 minutes if the crossing lanes are running smooth. If the OP lives in a border state it would be easy for his wife to physically meet up with the OM. I know a couple local wives lured to the dark side by you wily Canadian men.

I wanted to thank everyone for your supportive comments. Yes I agree with you all on in a few areas. there should be transparency, I didn't handle it well, and I need to man up and work through it. I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse.

This is what I think I am going to do. Tonight after work I'm going to sit down with her and calmly and collectively talk about it. If she refuses then that's that and we will have to be done. However believe we can work through this because I'm not done fighting for her. We just need to set some boundaries and tell each other what we expect out of the relationship.

I've never been good at relationships. I came from a broken family an never really had positive male role models in my life. The male models I did have were not good AT ALL especially in relationships. What I DO know is I have loved this woman since I met her. She, until the past few weeks, has always been nothing but a beacon of love and hope for me. I cannot possible imagine what life would be like without her.
There is something you need to understand here. You can tell her what your boundaries are using theme music and colorful graphs. She may even decide to agree with you. However, that doesn't mean anything at all.

She's already been lying to you. She knows very well what she is doing is wrong or she wouldn't have been deleting evidence and behaving so defensively and erratically. She's broken trust. You can't believe anything she says. Unless and until she rebuilds your trust, everything she says must be verified.
 

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OP,
I read this often on this site where a spouse says they want to honor the other spouses right to privacy. when wedding vows are taken ALL rights to singular privacy are waived in favor of openness and transparency to your spouse. Secrets are for espionage agents and politicians not for married individuals. Logically who is being sneaky, you who would like to know what your WIFE is doing or your wife who is keeping that from you? I see your wife as the sneaky one here and you as too passive to put a stop to it.

Also, you are not through fighting for her? Here is a newsflash for you there does not exist a relationship anywhere wherein there is only one person, it takes at least two. If she isn't fighting then defeat is eminent, despite your best efforts. You must enforce some boundaries if you have any hope of her respecting you. Either she joins the fight or you may as well surrender. I wish you good fortune.
 

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OP,

You titled your thread 'Did I overstep?'

Having that mindset is not going to solve the crisis your M is in due to your WW's EA.

You need to start seeing this from the perspective of, 'Did I deliver enough consequences for her to realize her M and family are hanging by a thread?'
 

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I agree except that I think you're failing to give your countrymen credit. I live near the Windsor border. I can be in Canada in less that 30 minutes if the crossing lanes are running smooth. If the OP lives in a border state it would be easy for his wife to physically meet up with the OM. I know a couple local wives lured to the dark side by you wily Canadian men.
My point is that Canadian girls are awesome.

Besides, he's single and bar hopping and likely hooking up on his own. He won't likely work that hard to score with some American chick who's married and with a toddler when there's awesome single Canadian babes up here... And winter is on its way.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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One more piece of advice 117,

You plan to confront her. Fine. But re-call the last time you did this you lost control of your emotions. Don't talk to her until you have calmed yourself down. Have in mind what you will say to start, and what you will say given her possible responses.

Be calm, be confident, be non-emotional, don't negotiate with her. Nothing wrong with reminding her that you love her, as a beginning of the conversation. Also remember, if you draw a line in the sand and then erase it later; that's the worst case scenario.
 

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@grandspartan117 - You didn't overstep. If anything you didn't do enough.

1) You caught your wife red handed in an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. Just because it isn't physical doesn't mean it's not CHEATING. It still IS. She is disrespecting you and minimizing it.

2) There is no privacy in marriage unless your in the bathroom. Sorry, I don't prescribe to that nonsense. She's YOUR wife, you are supposed to grow old and DIE with this person. You should know everything about her and she should be an open book and if she's not THAT'S a concern. Vice versa applies as well, if you have nothing to hid then neither should she.

3) It's ultimatum time. The "friendship" ends now. It's YOU or HIM. She needs to send a "NO CONTACT" message to this guy (approved by you) and delete/block him IMMEDIATELY. Then you can focus on marriage counseling and rekindling your love. If she refuses, then it's probably to late. Do the 180 and have her served divorce papers MAYBE that will wake her up.

4) Your reaction was natural and understandable but to her it came across as weak. Going forward, no more crying, begging or pleading. Start going to the gym and diet if you have to. Start to alpha up. Get off the xbox and get out of the house more. Be the MAN and she will notice the change and start respecting you again.
 

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well OK, but you mostly found out by being a little sneaky.
Now that you will confront her she might just take it deeper underground. just keep that in mind.
you just need to cover you bases, protect yourself from more harm.
this. I could not like it more than once, so I reposted it. Please read this again, until it sinks in. You need the whole picture to decide what is right for you and you won't get it by being nice. There is no room in M for secrets, especially secrets between a spouse and OSF.
 

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Discussion Starter #31
I'm trying to absorb as much as I can here. And I get it I need to man up and work my way through it. But I am confused should I pull a 180 or should I say screw it all together and get out? Or is that one in the same? I dont fully understand this 180 stuff.
 

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You are getting good advice here, suggest you take it.I encourage you to keep reading this forum. Specifically threads with titles like...is my spouse cheating? or my spouse is always on their phone. You will see a pattern, and regreatably yours will be no diferent.

We have all been there, and we all recognize that it is difficult to accept considering where you are in the timeline. Like I said, keep reading and you will see that 90% of the time its a EA or PA.

We also all recognize that where you are, you are reluctamt to rock the boa,t so to speak. I encourage you to stand your ground here. What your wife is doing is crossing a boundary by any marriage standard. Imagine a time in the past before this all started. Imagine the situation was reversed. Do you believe your wife would have accepted this behaviour from you? Would any reasonable person?
 

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I'm trying to absorb as much as I can here. And I get it I need to man up and work my way through it. But I am confused should I pull a 180 or should I say screw it all together and get out? Or is that one in the same? I dont fully understand this 180 stuff.
Do what is necessary to find out what she has been doing.

If you are going to stay with her, establish and enforce boundaries.

If she continues, emotionally disengage (180) to prepare yourself for life without her. This also has a small chance of re-attracting her to you, but DO NOT do it for that reason.
 

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Discussion Starter #34
OK I am at the library trying to research all of this but I am going to need to get home soon. What should my game plan be? Talk to her more about it? Or keep my distance and monitor the situation?

My natural reaction is to get home and jump right into trying to save our marriage. But everyone is saying that will push her underground. some say do a 180 some say its bull. This huge fight happened just last night and I don't know what to do when I get home. At this point I don't even want to go home just to sit there in the akwardness of it all.

Do what is necessary to find out what she has been doing.

If you are going to stay with her, establish and enforce boundaries.

If she continues, emotionally disengage (180) to prepare yourself for life without her. This also has a small chance of re-attracting her to you, but DO NOT do it for that reason.


I was typing this when you posted this. So we are all in agreement that I SHOULD do a 180. Unless its too late for that then start prepping myself for the rest of my life?
 

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Discussion Starter #35
I realize it may seem that I am not picking up what you are all saying. But this just happened last night and I am still so overwhelmed with it all.
 

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I realize it may seem that I am not picking up what you are all saying. But this just happened last night and I am still so overwhelmed with it all.

We get it. Its difficult but you need to recogzize you are at a critical phase. You will get more advice from those who are mpre knowledgable than me. In my mind detatch somewhat and gather more information. You cannot have a meaningful discussion without it. She will simply deflect, she is caught up in the excitement of the attention she is getting from the OM.

Like I said it early for you so you are feeling like you dont want to over react. You need to. What you are demanding is completely reasonable. Privacy is for the bahroom, secrecy has no place in a marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #37
We get it. Its difficult but you need to recogzize you are at a critical phase. You will get more advice from those who are mpre knowledgable than me. In my mind detatch somewhat and gather more information. You cannot have a meaningful discussion without it. She will simply deflect, she is caught up in the excitement of the attention she is getting from the OM.

Like I said it early for you so you are feeling like you dont want to over react. You need to. What you are demanding is completely reasonable. Privacy is for the bahroom, secrecy has no place in a marriage.
Thank you. I am heading home now. Wish me luck!
 

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Cheaters lie and hide. There should be NO secrets in a marriage or you won't have one soon.

Crying in front of her makes you look weak and pathetic!!! Very unattractive to women.

You need to Man up and fast. If you want to save your marriage.

She needs to know you won't stand for this behavior. If you can't do that the OM will be her main man and you will be a plan B.

You have a lot to learn.

Welcome
 
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