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Discussion Starter #1
Hi I'm new to this forum but I hope some of you can relate to my situation and provide some insight. I've been married for close to 15 years and we have two children ages 14 and 12.

To give a little background, my past relationships were extremely unhealthy and tumultuous. I didn't have a lot of direction in my youth and only started to get my life on track in my late 20s. When I met my husband I was 34 years old and had given up on relationships. I was finishing up graduate school and focusing on my career. It was the first time in my life that I felt I could really amount to something. Then, a year into our relationship I became pregnant and we decided to get married. I do love my husband and I did when we got married. But I have often wondered if I would have gotten married if it wasn't for the pregnancy. From the beginning of our relationship, I have always had reservations as to whether he was the right person for me. I am ambitious while he is content. I have a desire to be more “worldly” while he prefers to stay home. I have always been the one to look for new experiences, take risks and, for lack of a better word, grow as a person separate from him. He has built his life around me and doesn’t have a desire for anything else. Throughout our marriage, there are times when I’m completely in love with my husband and feel like my marriage is wonderful and other times when I wish my husband had a life outside of me so that he could bring another dimension to our relationship. He on the other hand is always in love with me and never has doubts. He even says to me that he loves me more than I love him.

We have talked and we’ve even been to counseling but I’ve never been completely honest. I usually end up blaming my hot and cold behavior to mood swings or menopause or stress. It’s not that I don’t want to be honest. It’s because I’m not 100% sure why I feel the way I do and I don’t want to hurt him by saying something I can’t take back. I should note that I am not interested in anyone else and overall my home is a happy and stable environment for my children.
 
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I don't know how to answer this for you so I'm just going to offer my opinion based on what you wrote. It seems to me that most of the problems in your marriage aren't about your husband but maybe instead are about you being unsure about the path you've taken life. Leaving him absent other issues won't solve that feeling. I don't judge because I've felt this way myself as have most people. I honestly think you'd be better off trying to fix the marriage you have and learning to find contentment with him, because what you describe is as good as if not better than the vast majority of marriages. Once again, just my opinion based on your fairly brief description of your marriage.
 

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I think you will drive yourself crazy wondering if you would have married him had you not gotten pregnant. You are better off focusing on wether you want to be married to him now. You may be better off going to see your marriage counselor on your own so you can speak freely about your feelings without your husband in the room. What you are feeling doesn't sound too out of the ordinary and the counselor may be able to advise on how to change something.
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Marriage isn't a question of marrying the right person. It's more a question of being the right person.
If you aren't being the right person, it doesn't matter who you're married to. Whether you are being a great wife is a choice you make ever day. You aren't a leaf in a stream. You have a rudder and you decide what direction your marriage takes.
 

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You are very fortunate. You said you gave up on relationships before you met your husband. You chose well when you fell in love with him. You chose well to create a family and a stable life for the last 15 yrs. you did good right? You life would have been much different if you did not meet your husband or you married one of the men who were worthless.

Think back to the time you first met your husband. You had some exciting risky times but what did it get you. You gave up hope, your view of relationships was ruined. And then this man comes along and devotes himself to you. Read some of the post from men and women in relationships with mentally or physically abusive, indifferent or hateful partners.

I think if you reflect, you have lucked out big time. Your marriage and man are above average way above. You want excitement take up an exciting hobby, learn a new language, volunteer at a homeless shelter or a battered women's shelter.

Don't shrew up your life and the lives of your family now. You know what it is like to have a screwed up life. You don't want that again do you?
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There is a saying "Choose the one you love, Love the one you chose." Often opposites attract, making the relationship work takes effort and compromise. Love is a choice.
 

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I'm sure most happily married couples at one point or another has secretly wondered if they married the right person. Don't we all wonder about the road not taken? I'll be honest. I have thought those things. I have no interest in any of my past boyfriends and would not have married any of them had they proposed, but I've wondered where I'd be in life today if I hadn't met my husband. We even sometimes openly joke and tease each other about it.

Over the years, I've learned to adapt. On the big issues, we're very compatible - religion, politics, finances, dealbreakers, child rearing...

On the smaller issues (this is where I carfully pick my battles), we're different. In the end, we want a fully developed human being, not a checklist. I'm not ordering a person to my specifications. I put up with some things just as he does with me. I'm sure there are things about you that your husband would prefer to change. But from the sounds of it, he compromises and accepts them. Can you not do the same for him? I can't tell you how to feel about your marriage. You're entitled to your feelings. From the point of view of a disinterested third party with no investment in your marriage, I can tell you that you seem to have a far better husband than 75% of my girlfriends.
 

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Oh your doing, what lots of people do.We already have so much
that we take for granted,but always want what we don't have.
You have real love of a husband and happy children.

Be thankful and find a hobby or something.
If you planned a trip would your husband go?
Try to add so spice to your marriage and fun.
You know he loves you so he most likely would be
willing if it makes you happy.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I wasn't sure what kind of response I would get since I've never sought advice on the Internet before. I want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice. Not only have you all made me see things clearer and realize that I really am very lucky to have what I have, but you've also made me realize that the world is fully of wonderful, giving people. I think I'll hang around here for a while. Hopefully I'll have the opportunity to lift someone up. :)
 

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Do stay around Balancing. Read some post from men and women. You will get a little taste of what really miserable relationships are like.

Not dismissing your periodic dissatisfaction with your relationship. It sounds normal. Every relationship has its highs and lows. So this low will bottom out and you'll reach the highs again.

It's not uncommon to review your life as you get older. Maybe it's MLC. You can go through it and come out more satisfied with your life with out throwing away the good things. Think of a challenge that will give you a sense of accomplishment and perhaps help others.

Your husband is steady, like a rock. He has your back. Give him a big kiss and lots of appreciation. It would be nice to see a good man get his due.
 

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Thanks for the kind words Catherine. I do realize that my situation is bliss compared to what others are going through, which is why I have such a hard time talking about how I feel. It seems ridiculous that I wouldn't be content with my life. People have suggested that I volunteer or find a hobby. I have a very fulfilling career and good friends. Outside of my relationship with my husband, I feel fulfilled. On the other hand, I don't want a divorce. I want my marriage to work. I want us to grow together, not apart. But it's like we are on two different roads and I have this fear that if I venture too far down my road, I might get lost.
 

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Seriously, nobody on earth "feels it" every day. If you set up housekeeping with anyone there's going to be occasional conflict. You grew up having some idea of what marriage would be like. So did your husband. Of course, neither of you got exactly what you were expecting because the world doesn't work that way.
Regardless of why you married, you're a mature adult, he's a mature adult, the two of you can build as good a marriage as you want. There are a thousand different reasons for emotions to rise and fall. I wouldn't gauge the strength of a marriage on something that unpredictable.
If you're a gardener, you know a beautiful garden doesn't magically happen. If you see one, you know a lot of work and attention went into it. People often seem to believe that fairy tale crap about meeting Mr. or Ms "right" and living happily ever after. It can be wonderful but it can't always be easy and it aint always fun, no matter who you latch on to. Some gardens require more work than others but they all require work. Weeds don't pull themselves, plants don't water themselves. I do believe the longer you both work at it, the less effort and drama it takes.
 

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Thanks for the kind words Catherine. I do realize that my situation is bliss compared to what others are going through, which is why I have such a hard time talking about how I feel. It seems ridiculous that I wouldn't be content with my life. People have suggested that I volunteer or find a hobby. I have a very fulfilling career and good friends. Outside of my relationship with my husband, I feel fulfilled. On the other hand, I don't want a divorce. I want my marriage to work. I want us to grow together, not apart. But it's like we are on two different roads and I have this fear that if I venture too far down my road, I might get lost.
I don't see why going down an interesting road has to mean that your life diverges from your husbands. Make sure not to let that happen. Stay on his road and branch out.

Think about it carefully. Are your thought processes taking you away from closeness? Is this a repeating problem in your life? You are in a very emotionally caring and supportive environment right now.

Are you certain that you are not trying to kill off this close emotional unit because it is unfamiliar? Were your early years chaotic and lonely? Were people there for you?

Perhaps your forays onto new paths is threatening to your husband because he senses that you want to pull away. Look at the way you talk to him about it. Are you welcoming and patient or do you tell him that if he does not follow you will drift away?

It is all in how you approach it. If you really want him to join you then you will have to work hard on welcoming him and assuring him that you want to take the journey with him.

I am not so sure that you do. Sounds like you want to do your think and he should follow you. I may be wrong but think about it anyway.

Being truly devoted to your husband and family takes some sacrifice and creativity. Any pursuit that takes you away from them is not good for anyone.

Don't make it out to be a path away from him, it will cause him anxiety and he may withdraw.

You need to work really hard on common interests. What does he like to do? If he likes watching sports, find out about his favorite sports and become a fan with him.

Showing a genuine desire to spend the time with him to develop an interest in what he likes is a show of love. It may encourage him to do the same for you.

I said before, don't mess up. Don't go back to old patterns, the results will be the same. You are experiencing what it is like to be loved and cared about. It does hobble you a bit but, it beats being lonely and having no one who cares whether you live or die.
 

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Balancing Act? If it makes you feel any better I got married at 20(and he 22) and I'm now 45 but met my husband when I was 14 and he 16 and I even had a baby when I was 14 (by my now husband) who is fixing now to have our 2nd grandchild(our baby is having babies!)...and we have 3 kids total yada yada yada..I still wonder sometimes if I "married the right person"..HECK I wonder if I should have never married at all and what my life would be like with NO MAN !!!..Nah..its right..

You have to sit back and say..."this is good" this is what it is..THIS is my life...then make the best of it..because think about it?Its not that bad..Especially if you put on some houchie couchie pants and play the music(LOUD) while you whack up the pineapple with a butcher knife!:D
 
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