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13 Posts
Hello folks, new to the site and this is my first post. Many of you may think I am stupid or crazy but I have run out of ideas so I am turning to the forums to see what they think. So here goes.
Quick back story before I go into details: I just got married in June to the first girl I ever told that I loved. I am in my late 20's and I grew up with his girl and dated her on and off from high school up till college. After college we got back together and gave it one more shot. A few years later we are married.
I absolutely loved this girl and was head over heels for her. I did everything I could to get her back and actually ended 2 previous long term relationships because I just couldn't be without her and I had to try to get her back. I did eventually (obviously).
Now that I am married everything feels like it has fallen apart. She used to be such a happy person and someone that everyone wanted to be around. Now she is miserable 24/7. She has no energy, she has no hobbies, and she has no life (no drive to do anything, etc). Her life seems to be going in a downward spiral and she is bringing me with her. However when she is around others, everyone says how giddy and happy she is and how lucky I am. She puts on a great show for people and when we get home it’s all over.
We can't talk about anything because everything I say she takes as an attack on her and gets very defensive. Usually raises her voice, walks away from the conversation, or just starts throwing out curse words and blaming everything on me. Also note, that many of my conversations I now start with "This is not an attack" or "Can we just talk about something and not get upset?" or something along those lines to try and let her know that I just want to talk about our issues and problems like adults. It never works.
I have already told her I want to go to counseling and so far she has said she’s just too busy right now and she doesn’t think that we need it.
Looking back on things I feel like I made a huge mistake. What I mean is through the relationship I always convinced myself that things would get better and they never have. My examples:
I owned a house and she lived at home. We fought because I did not go to her house every day after work and stay with her till 8-9. I had a house to take care of and paid bills for it. I did my best to see her 2-3 times a week and she stayed with me on the weekends. I convinced myself that once we lived together that would solve that issue. Well it didn't...we still fight because she wants me to be next to her 24/7 and sometimes I just need me time, like when I get home and want to relax for an hour or so. I play sports and some nights I am just not there and I feel like she hates me for leaving her by herself.
We fought when we tried to sell my house; she never wanted to move in with me because basically the house was not big enough for her and her stuff. What it boils down to is that she wanted a nicer house and something she picked out not what I had because it was not in our home town and was a starter home.
We fought buying a house, she never wanted to trust me or take my side on certain places. She always sided with the Realtor even when I had friends in the mortgage industry that could inform me when something in a particular area was too high. She just thought I was being stingy when I was being smart.
Prior to selling the house we had gotten engaged and the engagement process was horrible. She and her mom were so excited about the wedding that the relationship did not matter. I felt completely neglected, un-involved and when I tried to voice my opinion I was either shot down or they gave me petty little jobs to do because they didn't want to do them. (Things like peeling stickers or cutting out shapes for stuff for the wedding). She dreamed of this day since she was 3 and she put so much focus into it that she just ignored me. Her and her mom were so happy and excited. She was not happy about saying our vows and spending out life together, they were happy because of all the pretty flowers, the neat invitations, the crafts, etc. They missed the entire meaning of marriage. I would have went to Vegas and got hitched, I loved her that much it didn’t matter how or where I just wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.
When I tried to speak up and tell her that I was unhappy it just never sunk in. I convinced myself it was the stress of getting everything together and when we got married it would all be better....I was wrong again.
We are married now for only a few months and things are still bad. Yet I don't think she even realizes it. When we talk it’s always a fight. When we had a recent money talk she got upset because she was un-willing to give up her $200 hair cut/coloring every few months to help save money (we spent a lot when buying the house so we have lots of bills, I pay almost all of them while she just takes care of her issues and chips in a little for the mortgage)..oh yea she makes more money than me. Money is a big deal to me and I try to live by the “have 6 months of savings for an emergency fund”…well our wedding money is basically gone and we have no savings because she wants to just spend it on “fun” things. (Vacations etc.) I keep saying no so now I am the bad guy. It gives me a lot of stress and makes me worry about bills and everything and I am not one that ever stresses or gets anxiety.
She doesn't respect or trust me. If I tell her something she goes to her mom and dad to ask them rather than taking my word, even if they tell her the same thing she then believes it.
I play sports, I have tried to tell her that it would be nice/mean the world to me if she would come watch me once in a while (once a year or summer time would be fine, not asking for every game, she used to come to all my games in HS) Yet she just doesn't have any interest. Actually one time in the summer I asked and she laughed at me and said no I have to get up early to go to the beach...I take interest in what she likes to do, which honestly is not much. She sits around a lot but she does love to go to the movies and doing crafts like painting pottery. I go out of my way to buy her things she loves like tickets to Broadway plays, or go to pottery places with her to paint. Yet she doesn't return the favor, any ball game or hockey game we go to is basically because I went ahead and bought the tickets...Am I asking for too much for wanting her to show some interest in what I love?
I am miserable, I hate going home and when I do I hope she’s not there so I can just be alone and not have to worry about another fight.
I feel like a complete idiot because all of the things that led up to the marriage should have convinced me to get out of the engagement, but I was scared and stupid.
I have no idea what to do, part of me doesn't even want counseling, I just want to get out, be alone and start over. I know I am not perfect and there are many things I could work on as well but I have no desire anymore. I feel like a failure.
Is it wrong of me to be thinking about a divorce so early in my marriage?
If she has not changed the self centered attitude that she has had since high school is their anyway she ever will? Will she ever mature and grow up?
I do blame her parents for giving her everything she wanted and never letting her grow up but I cannot change that. Her mom is rude to her father and treats him like dirt and he just goes along with it. I can’t do that, I can’t just be a robot and do everything I am told and have no life in me.
The next step in our life is kids, I know I cannot have a kid and convince myself that the kid will change everything...
I am so sorry for going on so much, I could keep going actually. It actually helps to get this out and hopefully some of you will take the time to read this and offer some advice. I just needed to get it off my chest.
Thank you so much in advance...
Quick back story before I go into details: I just got married in June to the first girl I ever told that I loved. I am in my late 20's and I grew up with his girl and dated her on and off from high school up till college. After college we got back together and gave it one more shot. A few years later we are married.
I absolutely loved this girl and was head over heels for her. I did everything I could to get her back and actually ended 2 previous long term relationships because I just couldn't be without her and I had to try to get her back. I did eventually (obviously).
Now that I am married everything feels like it has fallen apart. She used to be such a happy person and someone that everyone wanted to be around. Now she is miserable 24/7. She has no energy, she has no hobbies, and she has no life (no drive to do anything, etc). Her life seems to be going in a downward spiral and she is bringing me with her. However when she is around others, everyone says how giddy and happy she is and how lucky I am. She puts on a great show for people and when we get home it’s all over.
We can't talk about anything because everything I say she takes as an attack on her and gets very defensive. Usually raises her voice, walks away from the conversation, or just starts throwing out curse words and blaming everything on me. Also note, that many of my conversations I now start with "This is not an attack" or "Can we just talk about something and not get upset?" or something along those lines to try and let her know that I just want to talk about our issues and problems like adults. It never works.
I have already told her I want to go to counseling and so far she has said she’s just too busy right now and she doesn’t think that we need it.
Looking back on things I feel like I made a huge mistake. What I mean is through the relationship I always convinced myself that things would get better and they never have. My examples:
I owned a house and she lived at home. We fought because I did not go to her house every day after work and stay with her till 8-9. I had a house to take care of and paid bills for it. I did my best to see her 2-3 times a week and she stayed with me on the weekends. I convinced myself that once we lived together that would solve that issue. Well it didn't...we still fight because she wants me to be next to her 24/7 and sometimes I just need me time, like when I get home and want to relax for an hour or so. I play sports and some nights I am just not there and I feel like she hates me for leaving her by herself.
We fought when we tried to sell my house; she never wanted to move in with me because basically the house was not big enough for her and her stuff. What it boils down to is that she wanted a nicer house and something she picked out not what I had because it was not in our home town and was a starter home.
We fought buying a house, she never wanted to trust me or take my side on certain places. She always sided with the Realtor even when I had friends in the mortgage industry that could inform me when something in a particular area was too high. She just thought I was being stingy when I was being smart.
Prior to selling the house we had gotten engaged and the engagement process was horrible. She and her mom were so excited about the wedding that the relationship did not matter. I felt completely neglected, un-involved and when I tried to voice my opinion I was either shot down or they gave me petty little jobs to do because they didn't want to do them. (Things like peeling stickers or cutting out shapes for stuff for the wedding). She dreamed of this day since she was 3 and she put so much focus into it that she just ignored me. Her and her mom were so happy and excited. She was not happy about saying our vows and spending out life together, they were happy because of all the pretty flowers, the neat invitations, the crafts, etc. They missed the entire meaning of marriage. I would have went to Vegas and got hitched, I loved her that much it didn’t matter how or where I just wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.
When I tried to speak up and tell her that I was unhappy it just never sunk in. I convinced myself it was the stress of getting everything together and when we got married it would all be better....I was wrong again.
We are married now for only a few months and things are still bad. Yet I don't think she even realizes it. When we talk it’s always a fight. When we had a recent money talk she got upset because she was un-willing to give up her $200 hair cut/coloring every few months to help save money (we spent a lot when buying the house so we have lots of bills, I pay almost all of them while she just takes care of her issues and chips in a little for the mortgage)..oh yea she makes more money than me. Money is a big deal to me and I try to live by the “have 6 months of savings for an emergency fund”…well our wedding money is basically gone and we have no savings because she wants to just spend it on “fun” things. (Vacations etc.) I keep saying no so now I am the bad guy. It gives me a lot of stress and makes me worry about bills and everything and I am not one that ever stresses or gets anxiety.
She doesn't respect or trust me. If I tell her something she goes to her mom and dad to ask them rather than taking my word, even if they tell her the same thing she then believes it.
I play sports, I have tried to tell her that it would be nice/mean the world to me if she would come watch me once in a while (once a year or summer time would be fine, not asking for every game, she used to come to all my games in HS) Yet she just doesn't have any interest. Actually one time in the summer I asked and she laughed at me and said no I have to get up early to go to the beach...I take interest in what she likes to do, which honestly is not much. She sits around a lot but she does love to go to the movies and doing crafts like painting pottery. I go out of my way to buy her things she loves like tickets to Broadway plays, or go to pottery places with her to paint. Yet she doesn't return the favor, any ball game or hockey game we go to is basically because I went ahead and bought the tickets...Am I asking for too much for wanting her to show some interest in what I love?
I am miserable, I hate going home and when I do I hope she’s not there so I can just be alone and not have to worry about another fight.
I feel like a complete idiot because all of the things that led up to the marriage should have convinced me to get out of the engagement, but I was scared and stupid.
I have no idea what to do, part of me doesn't even want counseling, I just want to get out, be alone and start over. I know I am not perfect and there are many things I could work on as well but I have no desire anymore. I feel like a failure.
Is it wrong of me to be thinking about a divorce so early in my marriage?
If she has not changed the self centered attitude that she has had since high school is their anyway she ever will? Will she ever mature and grow up?
I do blame her parents for giving her everything she wanted and never letting her grow up but I cannot change that. Her mom is rude to her father and treats him like dirt and he just goes along with it. I can’t do that, I can’t just be a robot and do everything I am told and have no life in me.
The next step in our life is kids, I know I cannot have a kid and convince myself that the kid will change everything...
I am so sorry for going on so much, I could keep going actually. It actually helps to get this out and hopefully some of you will take the time to read this and offer some advice. I just needed to get it off my chest.
Thank you so much in advance...