[HockeyGuy28]

Hello folks, new to the site and this is my first post. Many of you may think I am stupid or crazy but I have run out of ideas so I am turning to the forums to see what they think. So here goes.

Quick back story before I go into details: I just got married in June to the first girl I ever told that I loved. I am in my late 20's and I grew up with his girl and dated her on and off from high school up till college. After college we got back together and gave it one more shot. A few years later we are married.

I absolutely loved this girl and was head over heels for her. I did everything I could to get her back and actually ended 2 previous long term relationships because I just couldn't be without her and I had to try to get her back. I did eventually (obviously).

Now that I am married everything feels like it has fallen apart. She used to be such a happy person and someone that everyone wanted to be around. Now she is miserable 24/7. She has no energy, she has no hobbies, and she has no life (no drive to do anything, etc). Her life seems to be going in a downward spiral and she is bringing me with her. However when she is around others, everyone says how giddy and happy she is and how lucky I am. She puts on a great show for people and when we get home it’s all over.

We can't talk about anything because everything I say she takes as an attack on her and gets very defensive. Usually raises her voice, walks away from the conversation, or just starts throwing out curse words and blaming everything on me. Also note, that many of my conversations I now start with "This is not an attack" or "Can we just talk about something and not get upset?" or something along those lines to try and let her know that I just want to talk about our issues and problems like adults. It never works.

I have already told her I want to go to counseling and so far she has said she’s just too busy right now and she doesn’t think that we need it.

Looking back on things I feel like I made a huge mistake. What I mean is through the relationship I always convinced myself that things would get better and they never have. My examples:

I owned a house and she lived at home. We fought because I did not go to her house every day after work and stay with her till 8-9. I had a house to take care of and paid bills for it. I did my best to see her 2-3 times a week and she stayed with me on the weekends. I convinced myself that once we lived together that would solve that issue. Well it didn't...we still fight because she wants me to be next to her 24/7 and sometimes I just need me time, like when I get home and want to relax for an hour or so. I play sports and some nights I am just not there and I feel like she hates me for leaving her by herself.

We fought when we tried to sell my house; she never wanted to move in with me because basically the house was not big enough for her and her stuff. What it boils down to is that she wanted a nicer house and something she picked out not what I had because it was not in our home town and was a starter home.

We fought buying a house, she never wanted to trust me or take my side on certain places. She always sided with the Realtor even when I had friends in the mortgage industry that could inform me when something in a particular area was too high. She just thought I was being stingy when I was being smart.

Prior to selling the house we had gotten engaged and the engagement process was horrible. She and her mom were so excited about the wedding that the relationship did not matter. I felt completely neglected, un-involved and when I tried to voice my opinion I was either shot down or they gave me petty little jobs to do because they didn't want to do them. (Things like peeling stickers or cutting out shapes for stuff for the wedding). She dreamed of this day since she was 3 and she put so much focus into it that she just ignored me. Her and her mom were so happy and excited. She was not happy about saying our vows and spending out life together, they were happy because of all the pretty flowers, the neat invitations, the crafts, etc. They missed the entire meaning of marriage. I would have went to Vegas and got hitched, I loved her that much it didn’t matter how or where I just wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.

When I tried to speak up and tell her that I was unhappy it just never sunk in. I convinced myself it was the stress of getting everything together and when we got married it would all be better....I was wrong again.

We are married now for only a few months and things are still bad. Yet I don't think she even realizes it. When we talk it’s always a fight. When we had a recent money talk she got upset because she was un-willing to give up her $200 hair cut/coloring every few months to help save money (we spent a lot when buying the house so we have lots of bills, I pay almost all of them while she just takes care of her issues and chips in a little for the mortgage)..oh yea she makes more money than me. Money is a big deal to me and I try to live by the “have 6 months of savings for an emergency fund”…well our wedding money is basically gone and we have no savings because she wants to just spend it on “fun” things. (Vacations etc.) I keep saying no so now I am the bad guy. It gives me a lot of stress and makes me worry about bills and everything and I am not one that ever stresses or gets anxiety.

She doesn't respect or trust me. If I tell her something she goes to her mom and dad to ask them rather than taking my word, even if they tell her the same thing she then believes it.

I play sports, I have tried to tell her that it would be nice/mean the world to me if she would come watch me once in a while (once a year or summer time would be fine, not asking for every game, she used to come to all my games in HS) Yet she just doesn't have any interest. Actually one time in the summer I asked and she laughed at me and said no I have to get up early to go to the beach...I take interest in what she likes to do, which honestly is not much. She sits around a lot but she does love to go to the movies and doing crafts like painting pottery. I go out of my way to buy her things she loves like tickets to Broadway plays, or go to pottery places with her to paint. Yet she doesn't return the favor, any ball game or hockey game we go to is basically because I went ahead and bought the tickets...Am I asking for too much for wanting her to show some interest in what I love?

I am miserable, I hate going home and when I do I hope she’s not there so I can just be alone and not have to worry about another fight.

I feel like a complete idiot because all of the things that led up to the marriage should have convinced me to get out of the engagement, but I was scared and stupid.

I have no idea what to do, part of me doesn't even want counseling, I just want to get out, be alone and start over. I know I am not perfect and there are many things I could work on as well but I have no desire anymore. I feel like a failure.

Is it wrong of me to be thinking about a divorce so early in my marriage?

If she has not changed the self centered attitude that she has had since high school is their anyway she ever will? Will she ever mature and grow up?

I do blame her parents for giving her everything she wanted and never letting her grow up but I cannot change that. Her mom is rude to her father and treats him like dirt and he just goes along with it. I can’t do that, I can’t just be a robot and do everything I am told and have no life in me.

The next step in our life is kids, I know I cannot have a kid and convince myself that the kid will change everything...

I am so sorry for going on so much, I could keep going actually. It actually helps to get this out and hopefully some of you will take the time to read this and offer some advice. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Thank you so much in advance...

 

[ThatOneGuy]

I'm going through the same thing in many ways, except I've been married for 5 years and am just now building up the courage to get out. The only thing that matters is that you aren't in love with her anymore and are 100% sure about that. It doesn't really matter what led you to this point but you've checked out of the marriage (I realized I'd checked out of my marriage when I was cheering every time she said she would be home late and I'd get to be by myself for a while). You don't have to feel guilty about leaving someone that is an entirely different person than you proposed to. Look at her parents and realize that this is how she was taught to treat a husband and that is the direction that things are headed if you continue. Thank goodness you don't have kids so there won't be any long term damage and all this can all be a distant bad memory when you find Mrs. Right.

 

[dumpedandhappy]

You got a load of issues there!
2 things stand out to me: you're un-happy and the money issues.
I guess there will be an argument here about you working it out with her, that in a marraige its "hard-work" and you have to be willing...blah blah
I ended a 23 year marriage that I spent a hell of a lot of money on...and have nothing to show for it! She never accepted responsibility for money and her parents...that's their deal too, taught her well.
But I hear you talking about commitment, I stayed int he marriage because that's what my job was right? Do as your told, make things work....blah blah
Only thing I ended up with are two great kids.
Dude: your young, way too young to be hating going home at night. Way too young to be having marital issues. You dated her for a while it seems...what happened then? Probably there were issues there as well.
I got married at 23 years old, it was a mistake to do that, she was my friend and we had great sex...but we shouldn't have married.
Our mutual negative traits just went on for years, until I grew up and realized that my life was going no-where.
I lost my twenties and thirties ( only the kids were the highlite ) and I hate to think of someone feeling the need to do that.

I will say this ( others here will not like it...but here it is...) some people, all good intentions aside are just not good for each other.

Take a break. Move away for a bit. Get counselling to confirm but in MY opinion, get out while you can. There is a woman out there for you, you will excited to drive home to, she will want to sit with you and need to come see you play ball. She will love you and be your friend and the peace you will find with her will bring such happiness into your life. You have your whole life to make mistakes, get used to recovering from them, but why hand-cuff yourself now?
Maybe, after you break it off for a while, you may be able to resolve and restore the marriage, but put a time limit on that...in fact, go ahead and file for divorce, if she and you were meant to be perhaps it could happen again later.
If you don't love her and you are not happy, you owe it to her just as much as you owe it to her, her parents and everybody concerned to just end the pain.
Tough decision, but that is life, get used to it. Only you know if it is worthwhile.

 

[BundleofGuilt]

Hockeyguy28 - I could not agree more with dumpedandhappy.

I am in a similar situation but I been dealing with the nonsense for 10 years and I am tired of it. Just like dempuedandhappy said we are supposed to do the right thing to work it out to try and try and try and we end up loosing time, precious time.

I can relate with your unhappiness in the negativity and the money issues. it is exactly like that at home, only that I am the wife and my husband (an artist) is almost 40 and lost w/o direction...and does not seem to understand the value of money (he is very generous though, but he does not save a penny ever!!! and does not have a stable job...so the burden of the responsibility lies on me and when I try to talk about it he does what you wife does...walks away, lights a cigarette starts to raise his voice and that is the end of it...I say nothihng...but it's been over 10 years and let me tell you he was always like that...I guess i always hoped he would change or simply 'grow up" but it hasn't happened and I am almost done (I say almost because I have not gotten the courage to even mention it to him).

But you are young, smart (at least I gather that from your post), active, and with a lot of energy to do lots of things in life, so I would agree with dumpednadhappy, take "time off" let her be on her own and find out who you truly are with out her...it could bring you closer or help you make the decision to move on.

Do not waste your time!!! I wish someone would have told me that in my 20's so I could have more options and not such a mess to deal with now...more than 10 years later...

 

[dumpedandhappy]

BundleofGuilt,

Sorry to hear you got trapped too!! Hope you are doing hte "right thing" for yourself now!

D&H

 

[HockeyGuy28]

First of all I would like to thank you guys and gal for your response. It really means a lot to me to actually have someone to talk to about this stuff. Especially third party people who have no side to take and are outsiders.

Thatoneguy...your right I have checked out. Is there a way to get back into it? because at this point every little thing she does and says just annoys me and I am basically avoiding her. I just know people are going to say I gave up. I know I should not care about that but i guess thats my problem. I am too nice and I hate being mean and making people upset. I guess thats why she walks all over me now...

dumbandhappy, sounds like my ex. I had great sex with her and things were great in that department but when I stopped and thought about it...that was all there was. I had no trust in her. Unfortunately my wife now has no sex drive at all. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the best our sex life is about a 2-3. There is no drive, she never wants its, and when we do its just boring. She would be happy if we just cuddled and held hands all the time. She just never matured. I dont know if its the birth control (she has tried many), the diet issues (allergic to a lot of foods), depression? etc. I will admit that sex is a big deal to me, prob more than it should be but i sacrificed that because this was "The One"....so I thought.

I used to be so excited and happy to be with her, be near her and now its the complete opposite. I have no confidence that things will go back to the way they were. Is there any chance or is it going to take a divorce to get her to open her eyes?

None of our talks ever seem to sit in with her. I feel like if I even talked divorce it would be a huge shock to her even though i have tried countless amounts of times to talk to her about anything and everything that was bugging me.

Bundle, I hope things work out for you and its never too late.

I guess my next question is how do I even bring this up? How do I do it?

I am terrified to do it. I am too soft and I hate seeing anyone upset. I know in the end it may be the best thing, but how do I bring it up and handle it. If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you again in advance. It really means a lot.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Hey, HG, 55-yo woman with 15yo daughter talking to you like your mom.

LIFE IS SHORT. To be THIS MISERABLE within 4 months of your wedding means THIS IS ONE BIG MISTAKE. You should end it. See if you can get the marriage annulled.

1.) Go for 3-4 sessions of Individual Counseling. You don't need long-term therapy (at least it doesn't sound like it to me). Work with your counselor to develop some goals/dreams/plans for your life. Look at whether THIS MARRIAGE fits into those goals. If so, what must change (with you, with her)? Are you willing to make those changes? Is she? If not, then PULL THE PLUG. Seek an annulment or a divorce.

2.) Read the book "CoDependent No More"; you sound like a people-pleaser and that IS something you need to fix in yourself or you'll end up back here again with the next woman. Ask your counselor for advice on other books you can read on your own, at your own pace, to help your own development.

3.) If you think the marriage is salvageable (see #1 above), then your wife MUST agree to marital counseling immediately and enter into it wholeheartedly, OR you need to PULL THE PLUG. You ALONE cannot save your marriage.

4.) If you think the marriage is NOT salvageable, then talk to your counselor about helping you break it to your wife that YOU WILL BE filing for divorce immediately.

5.) Explain the situation to your family and friends as you will need THEIR support.

6.) Be sure to explain the ENTIRE relationship to your counselor. It seems to me you enjoyed the chase, but not the prize; the dream, but not the reality.

7.) If you two split, put the house up for sale, split EVERYTHING and move on. Move to a new place so you're not plagued by old memories.

 

[HockeyGuy28]

Slowlygettingwiser,

I guess the sad thing is that its been more than 4 months. It has actually been probably a year or so. We did have some ups but they never lasted more than a few weeks.

I continued to convince myself that everything would get better. There always seemed to be something that came up that I could use as an excuse. Not to go into too many details but my wife has many issues medically at a young age. From allergies to foods, to back issues etc. So something always came up that I would use as an excuse for her and say "well soon as that is fixed or figured out it will be better"...but I was stupid and wrong.

I went into my wedding just wanting to get it over with so we could move on and hopefully get better...but I should have called it before that...should never have gone on with it with the issues we were having...

1) I think I am going to look into the counseling and see if that helps any.

2) You are 100% right. I have stayed in previous relationships because I did not want to upset others or because I had such a good bond with the family and was scared to move on.

3) I honestly dont know if its salvageable because everyone I talk to seems to keep telling me I have a foot out the door already. The more I talk the more I keep wanting to just get it over with...

4) Good idea. Does anyone have any advice or can anyone give me a little heads up as to what to expect?

5) Have talked to my mom and almost all of my friends. The sad thing is that almost all of my friends (and their significant others) that know my wife are not all that surprised by it. They all seem to be saying she doesnt come across as mature and she seems very self centered.

6) I actually hated the chase. I loved her and always wanted to be with her. I actually opened my heart to her when we were just out of college and she basically said she was not interested but who knew what the future would hold. I think she just wanted to keep living the fun life and was not interested in me until her life started slowing down and she was unable to keep a long term relationship. (I know more signs I ignored)

7) I agree. We do live in the same town we grew up in though so there is always going to be chance of running into each other. We both work here, our families live down the road from each other. It's actually how we got back together, we ran into each other one night. But I know now that we cant be friends, it wont work, I need to move on...

blah!!!

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

#4: You could actually GIVE HER THE NEWS in the counselor's office with him/her there as backup/support for YOU. Counselor would probably run through likely scenarios on wife's reaction and help you consider AHEAD OF TIME how best to handle them.

#6: Sounds like maybe YOU were her 'backup plan' if she couldn't find someone better. It's cr*ppy, but sometimes it's true.

PLEASE, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP ABOUT MISTAKES YOU MADE (RED FLAGS YOU MISSED) IN THE PAST. You did THE BEST YOU COULD with the knowledge you had and the emotional handle you had on things AT THE TIME. ...NOW you KNOW better; now you are going to get a better handle on things emotionally, so NOW you will do better.

The process of growth means you're going to get better at things. It also acknowledges you weren't so good at things in the past. SO WHAT! You didn't used to know how to walk; now you do. Now you can run. It's all improvement and it all takes time.

 

[HockeyGuy28]

Slowly,

Thank you again for a response.

I wish I really could stop worrying about so many things that I have no control over. I mean I get so beat up about the fact that we just had this crazy expensive wedding and now its wasted money...I know its not something that should matter but for some reason I just care about so many other things around me.

I know I need to think of myself and my happiness but sometimes I scare myself and think maybe its my fault and maybe I am not doing enough...

I don't know its so hard to explain and once again I just re-read this post and see that I am continuing to try and find excuses for her.

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

Individual counseling will help you understand WHY you want to make excuses for everyone...and WHY you want to please everyone.

 

[Cdelta02]

In your heart you know what you need to do. Heck, you even wrote about the why in your post.

Get it annulled. Move on.