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I met my husband 5 years ago in 2017. We were both divorced. He was retired and I was self-employed. During the course of dating, he would occasionally (maybe once every couple of months) disappear for a couple of days -- not responding to phone calls or texts. When he surfaced, he never had a reason for not returning calls or texts. As the relationship progressed and I began to spend more time at his house, this behavior stopped. We grew closer, I moved into his house and we began to thoroughly enjoy each other -- preparing dinner together, working out at the gym, going to concerts, water sports, making love. Our life together was perfect and in 2019, we bought each other rings and decided to get married in Vegas in June.

But about a week before we were to leave for Vegas, I came home one day and he wasn't there. I texted and called -- no response. He was gone for two days. I was in a panic. I called his two adult children and filed a missing person report. His daughter came over for support. While she was here, he called and said his car battery was dead and needed us to call roadside assistance. When he gave us the location, his daughter went there and came back to the house. She called her brother and I overheard her say something to the effect that "he used to do this to us...."

When my husband came home, he looked terrible. I asked him where he had been, and he confessed that he had been "drugging." He had been using crack cocaine. He cried, apologized, and promised to get help. Needless to say, I called off the wedding, but we still went to Vegas. When we returned, he went straight into an outpatient drug program, and continued to go to meetings after the program ended. This seemed to be working. He even stopped drinking.

We got married in January 2021 and life was good until the relapse of 2022.

I believe it was brought on by the stress of being the personal representative of his father's estate and the ongoing battle with one of his siblings. At first he became depressed and would sleep and want to be alone. Then he started disappearing. At first it was about every other month. Then it became monthly. Then weekly. The pattern: gone for three days, come home, sleep, eat, then gone again.

I needed to know the length of his addiction. I asked him if his ex-wife knew about his addiction. He said that she did. I asked him if he disappeared on her for days at a time. He said that he did not. Recalling what his daughter had said to her brother back in 2019, I decided to look in his divorce file and found a letter that his ex-wife had written to the court. She wrote, among other things, that he would disappear for two or three days at a time and that he was once suspended from his job because he tested positive for cocaine.

I pleaded with him to go to in-patient rehab and told him that I knew that this was a long-standing problem, and that it affected his previous marriage because I read his divorce papers. He was furious that I had snooped and said that I had no right to. I told him I did it because I needed to understand the extent of the problem because he had not been honest about it.

Did I go to far by looking at his divorce papers?

My husband is currently in an in-patient rehab program, but in one of my telephone conversations with him, he brought up my "snooping."
No you didn't go too far at all. You can't know how to approach a problem until you know how bad the problem is. Addicts have to hit rock bottom usually. Him hitting rock bottom may include losing you.
 

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Ouch. This one brings back the feels.

I can say, having gone on a 16 month crack cocaine bender to the tune of my life savings (nearly 6 figures) that left me in debt and divorced, you might not be asking the right questions.

The "networking" he has to do to obtain his supply, is rife full of prostitutes--many who are addicted to the worst substance on earth. Hint: it is not a cocaine derivative.

I do not believe you overstepped any boundaries if what you did was out of love and concern, how to help him most effectively.

But, if you knew that on each of these "benders" he wasn't just sitting in a Motel 6 alone with a rose and a 5 pack of bics, but add in a few ladies of the night who will do LITERALLY
ANYTHING for a hit or a bag of H, would you have even bothered to look in the first place?

Because, sadly, it is the nature of the beast--the two go hand in hand. Always. Ask around.

[I can speak on this with a clear a mind--would have been eligible for my 4 year coin in August, if I wasn't too depressed to have gone]

Best of luck.
 
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