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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I met my husband 5 years ago in 2017. We were both divorced. He was retired and I was self-employed. During the course of dating, he would occasionally (maybe once every couple of months) disappear for a couple of days -- not responding to phone calls or texts. When he surfaced, he never had a reason for not returning calls or texts. As the relationship progressed and I began to spend more time at his house, this behavior stopped. We grew closer, I moved into his house and we began to thoroughly enjoy each other -- preparing dinner together, working out at the gym, going to concerts, water sports, making love. Our life together was perfect and in 2019, we bought each other rings and decided to get married in Vegas in June.

But about a week before we were to leave for Vegas, I came home one day and he wasn't there. I texted and called -- no response. He was gone for two days. I was in a panic. I called his two adult children and filed a missing person report. His daughter came over for support. While she was here, he called and said his car battery was dead and needed us to call roadside assistance. When he gave us the location, his daughter went there and came back to the house. She called her brother and I overheard her say something to the effect that "he used to do this to us...."

When my husband came home, he looked terrible. I asked him where he had been, and he confessed that he had been "drugging." He had been using crack cocaine. He cried, apologized, and promised to get help. Needless to say, I called off the wedding, but we still went to Vegas. When we returned, he went straight into an outpatient drug program, and continued to go to meetings after the program ended. This seemed to be working. He even stopped drinking.

We got married in January 2021 and life was good until the relapse of 2022.

I believe it was brought on by the stress of being the personal representative of his father's estate and the ongoing battle with one of his siblings. At first he became depressed and would sleep and want to be alone. Then he started disappearing. At first it was about every other month. Then it became monthly. Then weekly. The pattern: gone for three days, come home, sleep, eat, then gone again.

I needed to know the length of his addiction. I asked him if his ex-wife knew about his addiction. He said that she did. I asked him if he disappeared on her for days at a time. He said that he did not. Recalling what his daughter had said to her brother back in 2019, I decided to look in his divorce file and found a letter that his ex-wife had written to the court. She wrote, among other things, that he would disappear for two or three days at a time and that he was once suspended from his job because he tested positive for cocaine.

I pleaded with him to go to in-patient rehab and told him that I knew that this was a long-standing problem, and that it affected his previous marriage because I read his divorce papers. He was furious that I had snooped and said that I had no right to. I told him I did it because I needed to understand the extent of the problem because he had not been honest about it.

Did I go to far by looking at his divorce papers?

My husband is currently in an in-patient rehab program, but in one of my telephone conversations with him, he brought up my "snooping."
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
In dealing with addictions, there are the concepts of "tough love" and "enabling behavior."

Did you go too far by looking at his divorce papers? No, but you could have handled it better and should probably apologize. He should also apologize for falling off the wagon without any contact with you.

Have you contacted the place where he is doing his rehab to see if they have or know of a spouse support group? You might really benefit from that. Also talk to a doctor about the signs of a cocaine overdose and what if anything can be done after calling 911 before an ambulance arrives.

Good luck, and God Bless you.
Thank you. Yes, I am in contact with the addiction center and have attended virtual support groups. I am also scheduled for meetings with his counselor alone and him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I doubt the OP is coming back - her history shows she's started a couple of threads at different times, but never came back to participate.

So I'll just say this - OP, don't be a fool. If you think staying with a drug addict who lied to you (shocker) and who you surmise 'broke' under the stress of handling his father's estate and sibling issues, then you're not a victim.

You're a full-fledged volunteer.

You were handed your out. You'd be very wise to TAKE it.
Thanks for your response.
 
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