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I met my husband 5 years ago in 2017. We were both divorced. He was retired and I was self-employed. During the course of dating, he would occasionally (maybe once every couple of months) disappear for a couple of days -- not responding to phone calls or texts. When he surfaced, he never had a reason for not returning calls or texts. As the relationship progressed and I began to spend more time at his house, this behavior stopped. We grew closer, I moved into his house and we began to thoroughly enjoy each other -- preparing dinner together, working out at the gym, going to concerts, water sports, making love. Our life together was perfect and in 2019, we bought each other rings and decided to get married in Vegas in June.

But about a week before we were to leave for Vegas, I came home one day and he wasn't there. I texted and called -- no response. He was gone for two days. I was in a panic. I called his two adult children and filed a missing person report. His daughter came over for support. While she was here, he called and said his car battery was dead and needed us to call roadside assistance. When he gave us the location, his daughter went there and came back to the house. She called her brother and I overheard her say something to the effect that "he used to do this to us...."

When my husband came home, he looked terrible. I asked him where he had been, and he confessed that he had been "drugging." He had been using crack cocaine. He cried, apologized, and promised to get help. Needless to say, I called off the wedding, but we still went to Vegas. When we returned, he went straight into an outpatient drug program, and continued to go to meetings after the program ended. This seemed to be working. He even stopped drinking.

We got married in January 2021 and life was good until the relapse of 2022.

I believe it was brought on by the stress of being the personal representative of his father's estate and the ongoing battle with one of his siblings. At first he became depressed and would sleep and want to be alone. Then he started disappearing. At first it was about every other month. Then it became monthly. Then weekly. The pattern: gone for three days, come home, sleep, eat, then gone again.

I needed to know the length of his addiction. I asked him if his ex-wife knew about his addiction. He said that she did. I asked him if he disappeared on her for days at a time. He said that he did not. Recalling what his daughter had said to her brother back in 2019, I decided to look in his divorce file and found a letter that his ex-wife had written to the court. She wrote, among other things, that he would disappear for two or three days at a time and that he was once suspended from his job because he tested positive for cocaine.

I pleaded with him to go to in-patient rehab and told him that I knew that this was a long-standing problem, and that it affected his previous marriage because I read his divorce papers. He was furious that I had snooped and said that I had no right to. I told him I did it because I needed to understand the extent of the problem because he had not been honest about it.

Did I go to far by looking at his divorce papers?

My husband is currently in an in-patient rehab program, but in one of my telephone conversations with him, he brought up my "snooping."
 

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Addicts are expert liars and always have a way of shifting some or all of the blame for their behaviour on someone else. And excuse will do for them to avoid the reality and consequences of their behaviour. If he mentions you snooping again tell him you’re not interested in listening to his pathetic bs and if he persists then hang up.
He already has you feeling guilty and this is not a road you want to be going down.
 

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......We got married in January 2021 and life was good until the relapse of 2022.

......I pleaded with him to go to in-patient rehab and told him that I knew that this was a long-standing problem, and that it affected his previous marriage because I read his divorce papers. He was furious that I had snooped and said that I had no right to. I told him I did it because I needed to understand the extent of the problem because he had not been honest about it.

Did I go to far by looking at his divorce papers?

My husband is currently in an in-patient rehab program, but in one of my telephone conversations with him, he brought up my "snooping."
In dealing with addictions, there are the concepts of "tough love" and "enabling behavior."

Did you go too far by looking at his divorce papers? No, but you could have handled it better and should probably apologize. He should also apologize for falling off the wagon without any contact with you.

Have you contacted the place where he is doing his rehab to see if they have or know of a spouse support group? You might really benefit from that. Also talk to a doctor about the signs of a cocaine overdose and what if anything can be done after calling 911 before an ambulance arrives.

Good luck, and God Bless you.
 

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I'll take a slightly different tact here.
Did you go too far? No.
Why? Because he put the burden upon you to play PI.
He will put as much of the blame for his condition on you as possible.
Your role is to be supportive but hold him fully accountable.
If you stay, he should be held to a narrow path in which he seeks treatment for his condition, and fully follows up with aftercare for the rest of his life. Because that is what is required to tackle addiction.
Explore resources for you to not only help him cope, but to help you deal with the situation you are presented with.
If he refuses to do this, cut your losses and cash it in.
 

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No you didn't go too far. Addicts are liars. I kind of get why he's upset by what he feels is an invasion of his privacy but he should have been more forth coming.

You need to go to a few Narc-Anon meetings. It's a support group for people who love addicts. They will give you the support & education you need to stay married but not get dragged down by his addiction. If he does not remain committed to staying clean, they will support you in the next steps / decisions.

Best wishes. It won't be easy
 

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This is a bad situation. Welcome to TAM. You're going to have to judge H by his actions and not only go by what he's saying.

There are success stories after crack addictions but many more unsuccessful ones. I very much hope your situation turns into a lasting success story.
 

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If someone is defensive of another knowing the truth, there is something really wrong.

Do you know where the money is coming from to support this behavior? Or what he is doing in trade for it?

I bet there is a lot more going on here than what you are seeing... you need to end this relationship.
 

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I’m terribly sorry you’ve ended up in this position. How devastating this must be. I think you had every right to look and I would have. He neglected to disclose something that literally changed the trajectory of your life. Something that he 100% had an obligation to disclose, no matter how painful or embarrassing for him. The long term failure rate of rehab is much higher than the success rate. It’s sad for everyone. No one wants to be an addict. But you’re very likely in for this merry go round ride for the rest of your life/marriage if you stay with him long term. The fact that he’s still bringing this up kind of indicates that he’s still not completely taking responsibility for himself. Take good care of yourself through all of this. I hope you have a solid network of support. Good luck.
 

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I met my husband 5 years ago in 2017. We were both divorced. He was retired and I was self-employed. During the course of dating, he would occasionally (maybe once every couple of months) disappear for a couple of days -- not responding to phone calls or texts. When he surfaced, he never had a reason for not returning calls or texts. As the relationship progressed and I began to spend more time at his house, this behavior stopped. We grew closer, I moved into his house and we began to thoroughly enjoy each other -- preparing dinner together, working out at the gym, going to concerts, water sports, making love. Our life together was perfect and in 2019, we bought each other rings and decided to get married in Vegas in June.

But about a week before we were to leave for Vegas, I came home one day and he wasn't there. I texted and called -- no response. He was gone for two days. I was in a panic. I called his two adult children and filed a missing person report. His daughter came over for support. While she was here, he called and said his car battery was dead and needed us to call roadside assistance. When he gave us the location, his daughter went there and came back to the house. She called her brother and I overheard her say something to the effect that "he used to do this to us...."

When my husband came home, he looked terrible. I asked him where he had been, and he confessed that he had been "drugging." He had been using crack cocaine. He cried, apologized, and promised to get help. Needless to say, I called off the wedding, but we still went to Vegas. When we returned, he went straight into an outpatient drug program, and continued to go to meetings after the program ended. This seemed to be working. He even stopped drinking.

We got married in January 2021 and life was good until the relapse of 2022.

I believe it was brought on by the stress of being the personal representative of his father's estate and the ongoing battle with one of his siblings. At first he became depressed and would sleep and want to be alone. Then he started disappearing. At first it was about every other month. Then it became monthly. Then weekly. The pattern: gone for three days, come home, sleep, eat, then gone again.

I needed to know the length of his addiction. I asked him if his ex-wife knew about his addiction. He said that she did. I asked him if he disappeared on her for days at a time. He said that he did not. Recalling what his daughter had said to her brother back in 2019, I decided to look in his divorce file and found a letter that his ex-wife had written to the court. She wrote, among other things, that he would disappear for two or three days at a time and that he was once suspended from his job because he tested positive for cocaine.

I pleaded with him to go to in-patient rehab and told him that I knew that this was a long-standing problem, and that it affected his previous marriage because I read his divorce papers. He was furious that I had snooped and said that I had no right to. I told him I did it because I needed to understand the extent of the problem because he had not been honest about it.

Did I go to far by looking at his divorce papers?

My husband is currently in an in-patient rehab program, but in one of my telephone conversations with him, he brought up my "snooping."
This is a marriage deal breaker , and he lied to you about it because he knows that. He doesn't have the right to lie to you about it. I think something this important, you did what you had to do. You could have made it even more embarrassing for him by cornering his kids about it and making it all public or contacting his ex-wife.

That's a serious habit. And you may only be seeing the tail of the whale.
 
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I doubt the OP is coming back - her history shows she's started a couple of threads at different times, but never came back to participate.

So I'll just say this - OP, don't be a fool. If you think staying with a drug addict who lied to you (shocker) and who you surmise 'broke' under the stress of handling his father's estate and sibling issues, then you're not a victim.

You're a full-fledged volunteer.

You were handed your out. You'd be very wise to TAKE it.
 

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I met my husband 5 years ago in 2017. We were both divorced. He was retired and I was self-employed. During the course of dating, he would occasionally (maybe once every couple of months) disappear for a couple of days -- not responding to phone calls or texts. When he surfaced, he never had a reason for not returning calls or texts. As the relationship progressed and I began to spend more time at his house, this behavior stopped. We grew closer, I moved into his house and we began to thoroughly enjoy each other -- preparing dinner together, working out at the gym, going to concerts, water sports, making love. Our life together was perfect and in 2019, we bought each other rings and decided to get married in Vegas in June.

But about a week before we were to leave for Vegas, I came home one day and he wasn't there. I texted and called -- no response. He was gone for two days. I was in a panic. I called his two adult children and filed a missing person report. His daughter came over for support. While she was here, he called and said his car battery was dead and needed us to call roadside assistance. When he gave us the location, his daughter went there and came back to the house. She called her brother and I overheard her say something to the effect that "he used to do this to us...."

When my husband came home, he looked terrible. I asked him where he had been, and he confessed that he had been "drugging." He had been using crack cocaine. He cried, apologized, and promised to get help. Needless to say, I called off the wedding, but we still went to Vegas. When we returned, he went straight into an outpatient drug program, and continued to go to meetings after the program ended. This seemed to be working. He even stopped drinking.

We got married in January 2021 and life was good until the relapse of 2022.

I believe it was brought on by the stress of being the personal representative of his father's estate and the ongoing battle with one of his siblings. At first he became depressed and would sleep and want to be alone. Then he started disappearing. At first it was about every other month. Then it became monthly. Then weekly. The pattern: gone for three days, come home, sleep, eat, then gone again.

I needed to know the length of his addiction. I asked him if his ex-wife knew about his addiction. He said that she did. I asked him if he disappeared on her for days at a time. He said that he did not. Recalling what his daughter had said to her brother back in 2019, I decided to look in his divorce file and found a letter that his ex-wife had written to the court. She wrote, among other things, that he would disappear for two or three days at a time and that he was once suspended from his job because he tested positive for cocaine.

I pleaded with him to go to in-patient rehab and told him that I knew that this was a long-standing problem, and that it affected his previous marriage because I read his divorce papers. He was furious that I had snooped and said that I had no right to. I told him I did it because I needed to understand the extent of the problem because he had not been honest about it.

Did I go to far by looking at his divorce papers?

My husband is currently in an in-patient rehab program, but in one of my telephone conversations with him, he brought up my "snooping."
You did the right thing....addiction does not only impact he user. It hurts the whole family. I have struggled with this from my husband for nearly 20 years. Rehab...sobriety sometimes for years....then bam...relapse, other women, mental abuse, sometimes physical abuse, abandonment. I have learned one thing about addiction though no mater how much you want or pray or beg for them to stop.......until they are ready they will not. They can't be honest with themselves, how can they be honest with you?
 

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You were not it wrong for snooping.

Having an addict as a partner is a lot like having an unfaithful spouse.

They have a secret fun life that doesn't include you. They are willing to divert marriage resources of time, attention and finances to keep their secret life going.

They dream about it when they are with you and are planning their next adventure while you are together.

They are also very willing to look you in the face and lie about it and then blame you when they get caught.

If he was behaving this way with another woman would you stick around?

You can't save him from a life he wants and is putting lots of time effort and money into creating.

Save yourself instead.
 
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Addicts are expert liars and always have a way of shifting some or all of the blame for their behaviour on someone else. And excuse will do for them to avoid the reality and consequences of their behaviour. If he mentions you snooping again tell him you’re not interested in listening to his pathetic bs and if he persists then hang up.
He already has you feeling guilty and this is not a road you want to be going down.

Spot on! I've been dealing with this for nearly 20 years from my husband blame shifting is their defense mechanism and their way of validating what they do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
In dealing with addictions, there are the concepts of "tough love" and "enabling behavior."

Did you go too far by looking at his divorce papers? No, but you could have handled it better and should probably apologize. He should also apologize for falling off the wagon without any contact with you.

Have you contacted the place where he is doing his rehab to see if they have or know of a spouse support group? You might really benefit from that. Also talk to a doctor about the signs of a cocaine overdose and what if anything can be done after calling 911 before an ambulance arrives.

Good luck, and God Bless you.
Thank you. Yes, I am in contact with the addiction center and have attended virtual support groups. I am also scheduled for meetings with his counselor alone and him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I doubt the OP is coming back - her history shows she's started a couple of threads at different times, but never came back to participate.

So I'll just say this - OP, don't be a fool. If you think staying with a drug addict who lied to you (shocker) and who you surmise 'broke' under the stress of handling his father's estate and sibling issues, then you're not a victim.

You're a full-fledged volunteer.

You were handed your out. You'd be very wise to TAKE it.
Thanks for your response.
 
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