RaisedGarden: You have nothing to "save" but yourself. She cried when confronted because she was caught and doesn't wish to lose the financial security you provide.
Funny part is she makes 5 times the amount I do. If anything I'll be taking the hit if we divorce, but it's just money. What I was asking is did I go too gentle. Should I have been more aggressive and really have let the cat out of the bag by sharing her deceitful and sordid texts with her loved ones? Also, if I do make it to therapy with her, should I bring the texts with me?RaisedGarden: You have nothing to "save" but yourself. She cried when confronted because she was caught and doesn't wish to lose the financial security you provide.
The telling other's was not done out of malice. It was to quote "open the windows and light up the relationship that thrived in the dark" I just wanted the lying to stop, and for her to approach therapy with wanting to work the problems through. Every time I approached her with more damning evidence and verifiable proof to the lies, she just got angrier and withdrew further. The telling friends and family was a hail marry to try to begin the process she had no interest in joining. Maybe you're right and I should just move on, but without trying I will never have any closure, or a clear conscious on my departure. She just needs to make her side of the decision, but until she breaks it off with the man at work, she will always be conflicted. Yes?I honestly don't know what other people have to do with this issue. You should have confronted her and only her. She should have ceased the relationship with the other man. You both should decide to either work on it and move forward or end it. Involving family and friends just increases the pain and as you said - makes you look a little nuts. I say you exclude everyone from here on out and work on the issues yourselves. If she is still denying (lying), it's a huge sign that she is not willing to work on it and you should probably move on. Ruining her life in the process by telling others is not going to help you heal.
I'm so conflicted I really don't. Reason seems a distant island at this time.I am sure you have an opinion.
What is it?
.
I thought it was just the 7 year itch. We went our ways, and I got involved with a mentally unstable woman that scared me back when her relationship ended due to his infidelity within a month and a half of their being together. I felt sorry for her, and it took some time, but I never questioned her devotion until this happened. Marriage also lulled me into thinking that it would not happen again, things were going good for awhile, and then the 7 year itch bit again. Now I know she is a serial cheater and will not be dumb enough to forgive so quickly if things work out, but I'm also afraid if I come down on her with friendships going forward, she will only resent and push her further away. It's a catch 22.She has been a serial cheater to you during most of your relationship. Why did you even stay this long ?
That's all well and good, but she is telling me that everyone is telling her to divorce my ass. I honestly don't know what she is telling them, or if it's true at all. What I do know is that I can no longer speak to them about the situation considering how it all went down. I get the feeling that I'm being cut out of her life systematically, and when the time is right she is going to pull the board out from under me, and move onto her happy life with the new man that she still will not admit to. I would think that people would see that it's weird that she divorces her husband to only end up with the one that they were told she was cheating with, but people only see what they want to. Never underestimate the power of stupidity.I don't think you went at it wrong. I've been there and understand what it feels like to have everyone else think you're crazy when it was the SO that was in the wrong. Hang tight and know that at some point it will all come out and her friends and family will see that you were right. YOu can't make them see that though, They have to see it for themselves and trust me they will and then she will be the crazy one.
my honest opinion? if she's getting angry, that's not a sign of remorse. if she's not remorseful, it sounds like the end. I understand your reasons for wanting to try, but some very crucial things are missing from the equation if you want to make this work - 1. she is still maintaining a relationship with the guy, 2. she is not showing remorse and continues to lie - these are huge red flags and it's hard to work on anything in the relationship when these things are standing in the way, unfortunately.The telling other's was not done out of malice. It was to quote "open the windows and light up the relationship that thrived in the dark" I just wanted the lying to stop, and for her to approach therapy with wanting to work the problems through. Every time I approached her with more damning evidence and verifiable proof to the lies, she just got angrier and withdrew further. The telling friends and family was a hail marry to try to begin the process she had no interest in joining. Maybe you're right and I should just move on, but without trying I will never have any closure, or a clear conscious on my departure. She just needs to make her side of the decision, but until she breaks it off with the man at work, she will always be conflicted. Yes?
I'm such a sap I apologized for telling everyone about the relationship. All she could say is that everything she said to him was taken out of context. I don't know I could take anything she said out of context, but she just keeps finding new ways to explain away what she has done. She keeps putting the whole blame on me. How I ruined everything in her life because I told everyone. How she can't work out our issues because she has to deal with everyone else. How I was the reason she started feeling unfulfilled in the marriage. All problems point to me. I'm thinking it's a serious case of deflection, but between the constant barrage of guilt from her, some major head games, and major self introspection and over thinking I'm starting to loose my mind and see the problem as 100% my own and not hers. I'm being manipulated into believing her story.my honest opinion? if she's getting angry, that's not a sign of remorse. if she's not remorseful, it sounds like the end. I understand your reasons for wanting to try, but some very crucial things are missing from the equation if you want to make this work - 1. she is still maintaining a relationship with the guy, 2. she is not showing remorse and continues to lie - these are huge red flags and it's hard to work on anything in the relationship when these things are standing in the way, unfortunately.
Beat her to the punch.That's all well and good, but she is telling me that everyone is telling her to divorce my ass. I honestly don't know what she is telling them, or if it's true at all. What I do know is that I can no longer speak to them about the situation considering how it all went down. I get the feeling that I'm being cut out of her life systematically, and when the time is right she is going to pull the board out from under me, and move onto her happy life with the new man that she still will not admit to. I would think that people would see that it's weird that she divorces her husband to only end up with the one that they were told she was cheating with, but people only see what they want to. Never underestimate the power of stupidity.
So you have a path with a fork in it in front of you right now.I'm such a sap I apologized for telling everyone about the relationship. All she could say is that everything she said to him was taken out of context. I don't know I could take anything she said out of context, but she just keeps finding new ways to explain away what she has done. She keeps putting the whole blame on me. How I ruined everything in her life because I told everyone. How she can't work out our issues because she has to deal with everyone else. How I was the reason she started feeling unfulfilled in the marriage. All problems point to me. I'm thinking it's a serious case of deflection, but between the constant barrage of guilt from her, some major head games, and major self introspection and over thinking I'm starting to loose my mind and see the problem as 100% my own and not hers. I'm being manipulated into believing her story.
Valid point. Maybe I'm just holding onto the idelic image I have of her. As for the serial cheating thing, it is still just sinking in. I honestly thought when it first happened that is was just her growing up. Now I'm not so sure. The thing that is really bothering me is that it's turning into a Hatfield and McCoy thing between our two families. I understand that my family and friends have my back but they all want blood. I seem to be the calmest of the bunch right now. I don't know if it's because I'm delusional or just in shock. In any case I'm going to try my best to make the Therapy thing work, but as you said if she doesn't get the need to change her stripes and start to see some fault in the whole thing, it will never work. It's just if my releasing the information to everyone is a face saver, or will I just be looking like I'm also looking for blood?So you have a path with a fork in it in front of you right now.
On one side..it's stay married, on the other it's divorce.
Staying married is also a forked road. There's true reconciliation and the other is having a wife who's a serial cheater who's not above lieing to people to make you look bad in order to keep the cheating going.
Can you see which path your wife is walking? She wants the marriage, but she doesn't want a good marriage. She's not being remorseful.
Plain and simple she first, cheated on you, the ultimate betrayal AND THEN she lied to everyone making you the jerk. Uhmm what is there in a person who would do that to you that you want to remain married to them?
Start filing for divorce and as a parting shot, once it's all said and done, send out the proof to everyone INCLUDING her work. Let her talk her way out of being a blatant liar to EVERYONE. I wouldn't care what her family thought of me. Do you think they'll look at you worse?