[RaisedGarden]

Ok, Here is the story which has been repeated many times before here, but I want everyone's take on this.

My wife of less than two years, but together for 14 years has decided to take on another paramore. She has done this before with me walking in on her and a coworker both in their underwear in our 7th year of the relationship. We had an extended break, but I forgave, and we were married years later. Fast forward to married life and my wife was growing distant as she had during the first infidelity.I attempted to source the issue, but she would be very vague about her feelings and had cut off sexual relations for more than 6 months with lame excuses. I began to feel that something more was going on again. This time she was careless and was talking to someone on the phone with a mans voice I never heard before. I asked who it was and she told me it was her old girlfriend I knew well. I snooped and found out in the phone records a number that this person did not have. The number was called numerous times a day for as little as 2 minutes but up to 2 hours. She had numerous text messages back and forth(>50 a day) She also had at least 5 picture messages a day as well. When confronted she admitted to having a new friend at work an she had been lying because she was afraid of what my reaction would be.

So after our little pow-wow the calls decreased, but the texting increased to over 100 a day. Every time I pressed the issue, she lied. I began noticing she was disappearing from work at odd hours, nowhere to be found. She would always have bizarre excuses for cover. I had enough, so I installed a text tracking software on her phone. I was in for a shock, a constant "I see you when I close my eyes" lots of :'* Then she was having meetups with him at "their place" at work. I had the proof and I had a sit down, where she cried and rocked on the couch, she never admitted to anything, but nothing, I mean nothing stopped the lying or the communication. So for better or worse I listened to online advise and approached her Parents, friends, and the gentleman himself to let them know what my wife was doing and I was wise to it. Of course my extremely religious in laws got her on the phone immediately and she talked her way out of it. She did the same with the friends, and the other man never got back to me. All I wanted to do is stop the relationship and get her back to table to talk out her concerns and issues with the marriage.

Because of this, my life has gone from bad to worse. All her side think I'm a nuts stalker. My wife barely talks to me and berates me when alone. I have her begrudgingly agreed to seeing a counselor, but she keeps moving the goal post on the first meeting and the conditions surrounding it. This leads me to my questions. Should I have released the texts to the people I told via email/mail? Should I do so now that everyone thinks I'm nuts? I did not involve her HR and director as told in the advise to prevent his and her firing, was I wrong not do so? Is it even worth the pain of reconnecting with estranged family and friends considering how she lied to cause this? Should I walk away knowing that she has the propensity to cheat on the drop of a hat? Should I just call it quits and lawyer up?

 

[hookares]

RaisedGarden: You have nothing to "save" but yourself. She cried when confronted because she was caught and doesn't wish to lose the financial security you provide.

 

[RaisedGarden]

RaisedGarden: You have nothing to "save" but yourself. She cried when confronted because she was caught and doesn't wish to lose the financial security you provide.

Funny part is she makes 5 times the amount I do. If anything I'll be taking the hit if we divorce, but it's just money. What I was asking is did I go too gentle. Should I have been more aggressive and really have let the cat out of the bag by sharing her deceitful and sordid texts with her loved ones? Also, if I do make it to therapy with her, should I bring the texts with me?

 

[NYC_gray]

I honestly don't know what other people have to do with this issue. You should have confronted her and only her. She should have ceased the relationship with the other man. You both should decide to either work on it and move forward or end it. Involving family and friends just increases the pain and as you said - makes you look a little nuts. I say you exclude everyone from here on out and work on the issues yourselves. If she is still denying (lying), it's a huge sign that she is not willing to work on it and you should probably move on. Ruining her life in the process by telling others is not going to help you heal.

 

[RaisedGarden]

I honestly don't know what other people have to do with this issue. You should have confronted her and only her. She should have ceased the relationship with the other man. You both should decide to either work on it and move forward or end it. Involving family and friends just increases the pain and as you said - makes you look a little nuts. I say you exclude everyone from here on out and work on the issues yourselves. If she is still denying (lying), it's a huge sign that she is not willing to work on it and you should probably move on. Ruining her life in the process by telling others is not going to help you heal.

The telling other's was not done out of malice. It was to quote "open the windows and light up the relationship that thrived in the dark" I just wanted the lying to stop, and for her to approach therapy with wanting to work the problems through. Every time I approached her with more damning evidence and verifiable proof to the lies, she just got angrier and withdrew further. The telling friends and family was a hail marry to try to begin the process she had no interest in joining. Maybe you're right and I should just move on, but without trying I will never have any closure, or a clear conscious on my departure. She just needs to make her side of the decision, but until she breaks it off with the man at work, she will always be conflicted. Yes?

 

[RaisedGarden]

I am sure you have an opinion.

What is it?

.

I'm so conflicted I really don't. Reason seems a distant island at this time.

 

[barbados]

She has been a serial cheater to you during most of your relationship. Why did you even stay this long ?

 

[wiigirl]

She has been a serial cheater to you during most of your relationship. Why did you even stay this long ?

This.....:|

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[RaisedGarden]

She has been a serial cheater to you during most of your relationship. Why did you even stay this long ?

I thought it was just the 7 year itch. We went our ways, and I got involved with a mentally unstable woman that scared me back when her relationship ended due to his infidelity within a month and a half of their being together. I felt sorry for her, and it took some time, but I never questioned her devotion until this happened. Marriage also lulled me into thinking that it would not happen again, things were going good for awhile, and then the 7 year itch bit again. Now I know she is a serial cheater and will not be dumb enough to forgive so quickly if things work out, but I'm also afraid if I come down on her with friendships going forward, she will only resent and push her further away. It's a catch 22.
ps. I'm also a hopeless romantic and perennial optimist, a dangerous combination with this.

 

[lost inside]

I don't think you went at it wrong. I've been there and understand what it feels like to have everyone else think you're crazy when it was the SO that was in the wrong. Hang tight and know that at some point it will all come out and her friends and family will see that you were right. YOu can't make them see that though, They have to see it for themselves and trust me they will and then she will be the crazy one.

 

[tom67]

Time to move on my friend this is another serial cheater. sorry

 

[RaisedGarden]

I don't think you went at it wrong. I've been there and understand what it feels like to have everyone else think you're crazy when it was the SO that was in the wrong. Hang tight and know that at some point it will all come out and her friends and family will see that you were right. YOu can't make them see that though, They have to see it for themselves and trust me they will and then she will be the crazy one.

That's all well and good, but she is telling me that everyone is telling her to divorce my ass. I honestly don't know what she is telling them, or if it's true at all. What I do know is that I can no longer speak to them about the situation considering how it all went down. I get the feeling that I'm being cut out of her life systematically, and when the time is right she is going to pull the board out from under me, and move onto her happy life with the new man that she still will not admit to. I would think that people would see that it's weird that she divorces her husband to only end up with the one that they were told she was cheating with, but people only see what they want to. Never underestimate the power of stupidity.

 

[NYC_gray]

The telling other's was not done out of malice. It was to quote "open the windows and light up the relationship that thrived in the dark" I just wanted the lying to stop, and for her to approach therapy with wanting to work the problems through. Every time I approached her with more damning evidence and verifiable proof to the lies, she just got angrier and withdrew further. The telling friends and family was a hail marry to try to begin the process she had no interest in joining. Maybe you're right and I should just move on, but without trying I will never have any closure, or a clear conscious on my departure. She just needs to make her side of the decision, but until she breaks it off with the man at work, she will always be conflicted. Yes?

my honest opinion? if she's getting angry, that's not a sign of remorse. if she's not remorseful, it sounds like the end. I understand your reasons for wanting to try, but some very crucial things are missing from the equation if you want to make this work - 1. she is still maintaining a relationship with the guy, 2. she is not showing remorse and continues to lie - these are huge red flags and it's hard to work on anything in the relationship when these things are standing in the way, unfortunately.

 

[RaisedGarden]

my honest opinion? if she's getting angry, that's not a sign of remorse. if she's not remorseful, it sounds like the end. I understand your reasons for wanting to try, but some very crucial things are missing from the equation if you want to make this work - 1. she is still maintaining a relationship with the guy, 2. she is not showing remorse and continues to lie - these are huge red flags and it's hard to work on anything in the relationship when these things are standing in the way, unfortunately.

I'm such a sap I apologized for telling everyone about the relationship. All she could say is that everything she said to him was taken out of context. I don't know I could take anything she said out of context, but she just keeps finding new ways to explain away what she has done. She keeps putting the whole blame on me. How I ruined everything in her life because I told everyone. How she can't work out our issues because she has to deal with everyone else. How I was the reason she started feeling unfulfilled in the marriage. All problems point to me. I'm thinking it's a serious case of deflection, but between the constant barrage of guilt from her, some major head games, and major self introspection and over thinking I'm starting to loose my mind and see the problem as 100% my own and not hers. I'm being manipulated into believing her story.

 

[lost inside]

Of course they are telling her that. She is lying to them as well. I speak from eperience that right now she looks like the winner and you the loser but I'm telling you that her happy little life you think she will walk away with will not be as happy as you think. People may think you are crazy and making stuff up to be hurtful but once it's over and some time has passed she will show her true colors and everyone will realize what you were saying all along. Like I said, I have been there. It's hard to be in your position right now but what goes around, comes around and she will be the loser in the end.

That being said...I understand reconciling if it was one affair. A serial cheater is a knife in your back with multiple stabs wounds meant to take you out. If you take her back now once she is exposed and comes crying back because people are being mean to her (boo hoo) then you will look the loser.

 

[Thor]

Talk to a lawyer. Go to dadsdivorce dot com amd read//follow The List. Run like your a$$ is on fire, but be smart to protect yourself. Go for alimony as per your state laws.
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[ArmyofJuan]

That's all well and good, but she is telling me that everyone is telling her to divorce my ass. I honestly don't know what she is telling them, or if it's true at all. What I do know is that I can no longer speak to them about the situation considering how it all went down. I get the feeling that I'm being cut out of her life systematically, and when the time is right she is going to pull the board out from under me, and move onto her happy life with the new man that she still will not admit to. I would think that people would see that it's weird that she divorces her husband to only end up with the one that they were told she was cheating with, but people only see what they want to. Never underestimate the power of stupidity.

Beat her to the punch.

You are in a false R, get out until if/when she is begging you back. R will only work if she wants it more than you and from what you wrote, she doesn't care enough about you right now.

Why waste your time trying to work it out with someone that doesn't want to be with you?

Don't be nice or sympathetic to her; she screwed up so she should be grateful that you let her stay. She broke the M, she needs to fix it. If she isn't doing that then you have no M and should move to end it until she convinces you otherwise.

 

[Dad&Hubby]

I'm such a sap I apologized for telling everyone about the relationship. All she could say is that everything she said to him was taken out of context. I don't know I could take anything she said out of context, but she just keeps finding new ways to explain away what she has done. She keeps putting the whole blame on me. How I ruined everything in her life because I told everyone. How she can't work out our issues because she has to deal with everyone else. How I was the reason she started feeling unfulfilled in the marriage. All problems point to me. I'm thinking it's a serious case of deflection, but between the constant barrage of guilt from her, some major head games, and major self introspection and over thinking I'm starting to loose my mind and see the problem as 100% my own and not hers. I'm being manipulated into believing her story.

So you have a path with a fork in it in front of you right now.

On one side..it's stay married, on the other it's divorce.

Staying married is also a forked road. There's true reconciliation and the other is having a wife who's a serial cheater who's not above lieing to people to make you look bad in order to keep the cheating going.

Can you see which path your wife is walking? She wants the marriage, but she doesn't want a good marriage. She's not being remorseful.

Plain and simple she first, cheated on you, the ultimate betrayal AND THEN she lied to everyone making you the jerk. Uhmm what is there in a person who would do that to you that you want to remain married to them?

Start filing for divorce and as a parting shot, once it's all said and done, send out the proof to everyone INCLUDING her work. Let her talk her way out of being a blatant liar to EVERYONE. I wouldn't care what her family thought of me. Do you think they'll look at you worse?

 

[RaisedGarden]

So you have a path with a fork in it in front of you right now.

On one side..it's stay married, on the other it's divorce.

Staying married is also a forked road. There's true reconciliation and the other is having a wife who's a serial cheater who's not above lieing to people to make you look bad in order to keep the cheating going.

Can you see which path your wife is walking? She wants the marriage, but she doesn't want a good marriage. She's not being remorseful.

Plain and simple she first, cheated on you, the ultimate betrayal AND THEN she lied to everyone making you the jerk. Uhmm what is there in a person who would do that to you that you want to remain married to them?

Start filing for divorce and as a parting shot, once it's all said and done, send out the proof to everyone INCLUDING her work. Let her talk her way out of being a blatant liar to EVERYONE. I wouldn't care what her family thought of me. Do you think they'll look at you worse?

Valid point. Maybe I'm just holding onto the idelic image I have of her. As for the serial cheating thing, it is still just sinking in. I honestly thought when it first happened that is was just her growing up. Now I'm not so sure. The thing that is really bothering me is that it's turning into a Hatfield and McCoy thing between our two families. I understand that my family and friends have my back but they all want blood. I seem to be the calmest of the bunch right now. I don't know if it's because I'm delusional or just in shock. In any case I'm going to try my best to make the Therapy thing work, but as you said if she doesn't get the need to change her stripes and start to see some fault in the whole thing, it will never work. It's just if my releasing the information to everyone is a face saver, or will I just be looking like I'm also looking for blood?

 

[WorkingOnMe]

dump her. You can't reconcile with someone who is not remorseful.