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Discussion starter · #41 ·
He hasn't told you his address, so you don't know where he lives after six months of dating? :eek:

That's a red flag, I think?
I do know where he lives, but as I just went inside I didn't write down the door number or postal code or anything. We're 99% at my house because he has a roomate and I have a teenage child in the house who I don't like to leave alone, so it's just practical that we don't spend time at his place much. I've only ever been there to drop something off or something.
 
Discussion starter · #42 ·
Colette,

Just to clarify I think you did the right thing by dumping him. You were setting yourself up on a few different levels for a bad ride.

BUT......I'd like to point out something to keep in mind for the future. Unfortunately it is difficult for me to explain well. You might have to
read between the lines some and read a book. I'll site some examples from your post.

"for me it was about emotions and him not showing positive ones or a true sense of emotional attachment in the language I understand."

Read your above statement ...... now read the last half a couple more times.

"his brain doesn't work the same way......"true sense of emotional attachment in the language I understand."


""I'd be utterly miserable without sex because it's one of the few joys in my life" and I was offended he felt that way about sex, but not love, or ME.

I was offended he felt that way about sex, but not love, or ME.

sex, but not love

to me, "love" was the most important thing in the world, and while sex is great - I can live without that -

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So...I think it is important to understand that people "speak" love in a few different languages.

With that in mind I recommend you read the book "The 5 love languages"

It can provide some insight to relationship communication and helped me understand a few things in our relationship.

This is a really helpful point also. My sister raised this with me and told me his love languages are quality time, touch and acts of service and for sure primarily acts of service (hence he is always trying to do things for me) but mine are the touch, quality time and words of affirmation and those words are very alien to him. I'd be willing to bet he doesn't even tell his daughter he loves her; but he will organise her computer for her. It's how he loves.
 
He does have Aspergers syndrome. Great intuition you have, so the emotional side of life doesn't come easy to him. He's a very typical Aspergers and also an INTJ personality type so he's non verbal with emotions and sees life very rationally. I don't believe he'd ever try and get me into bed by manipulative means, he's got a very strong sense of justice. I think in his view I am (in his own words) "way out of his league" and he probably never thought I would want a long term life with him anyway. He's not got a lot of self belief like that. To be honest, I don't think even now he knows I want a long term life with him. I think the way his brain works is simple: I told him that his view on life /love /relationships was painful for me, therefore he will leave me alone to be with someone better. I don't think he'd ever want me to be anything other than happy and when he says he wants to be friends I think that's genuine - he's capable of that sort of detachment.
I think you were wise to end it. If you are wanting real emotional intimacy and attachment, then an Aspie most likely isn't going to be a good match for you in the long run anyway.

I am sorry for your hurt.
 
Thank you for posting what he actually wrote, and in response to what you wrote.

I actually think both of you just expressed your honest feelings and he is right, due to his feelings he should not hold you back from meeting someone more compatible.

He is being very kind (and loving) by not trying to make things work and not standing in your way of a bigger commitment with someone else.

I know it hurts, but please do accept the gift of his kindness. It really is coming from the highest part of himself. If he was a lesser person, he could say just enough words to make you think eventually he would commit, and string you along forever.

It’s very hard for him to do the right thing, I’m sure. He does love you and doesn’t want to end things, but he knows the right thing for you is to be set free to seek what you actually need and that isn’t him.

I hope you eventually see this as a loving, adult, mature break up. This is a good thing because although you did not get the commitment you seek from this man, you got a loving gift from him that not every man could have given you. He is decent, and knowing that you ended things lovingly with a decent man is better than being jerked around by the previous guys. It means you are improving your picker, and are on an upward trajectory out of the bad picker land of misfit dates.

We sometimes have to let go of people we legitimately love. And if we can do it lovingly and for the right reasons, it always adds love to your overall life. It adds a lot of life lessons in kindness and doing the right thing, even when you can’t get your desired outcome.
 
Discussion starter · #47 ·
Thank you for posting what he actually wrote, and in response to what you wrote.

I actually think both of you just expressed your honest feelings and he is right, due to his feelings he should not hold you back from meeting someone more compatible.

He is being very kind (and loving) by not trying to make things work and not standing in your way of a bigger commitment with someone else.

I know it hurts, but please do accept the gift of his kindness. It really is coming from the highest part of himself. If he was a lesser person, he could say just enough words to make you think eventually he would commit, and string you along forever.

It’s very hard for him to do the right thing, I’m sure. He does love you and doesn’t want to end things, but he knows the right thing for you is to be set free to seek what you actually need and that isn’t him.

I hope you eventually see this as a loving, adult, mature break up. This is a good thing because although you did not get the commitment you seek from this man, you got a loving gift from him that not every man could have given you. He is decent, and knowing that you ended things lovingly with a decent man is better than being jerked around by the previous guys. It means you are improving your picker, and are on an upward trajectory out of the bad picker land of misfit dates.

We sometimes have to let go of people we legitimately love. And if we can do it lovingly and for the right reasons, it always adds love to your overall life. It adds a lot of life lessons in kindness and doing the right thing, even when you can’t get your desired outcome.
Such a loving response, thank you
 
It just gets tiring that's all when all you want is just to find something lasting.
Colette, first you said you've been through a string of crappy partners. Now you say this. Do you see the problem I see?

For whatever reason, YOUR goal in life is to have a partner. It could be for financial or mental stability, it could be for image, it could be for a number of reasons. Could be something in your childhood made you feel incomplete/substandard/shameful/whatever if you don't have a mate. But one thing it's not, is healthy.

Until you can be ok being by yourself, knowing DEEP DOWN that you're ok by yourself, you will continue to seek out men - and yes, often bad men - just to have someone on your arm.

Once you let that go - as I suspect your boyfriend has - all your decisions will be for the wrong reasons, and you'll continue to get bad results. Upon reading your first post, I was thinking...well, what's wrong with what you've got? You guys are having fun together. You're enjoying life. Why do you have to bring in that pesky 'committed' thing into the picture? Why CAN'T you just enjoy your time with him and take each day at a time?

Have you done therapy? This might be a good topic to go for.
 
This is a really helpful point also. My sister raised this with me and told me his love languages are quality time, touch and acts of service and for sure primarily acts of service (hence he is always trying to do things for me) but mine are the touch, quality time and words of affirmation and those words are very alien to him. I'd be willing to bet he doesn't even tell his daughter he loves her; but he will organise her computer for her. It's how he loves.
Have you ever read His Needs Her Needs? It talks about those emotional needs and how to get them met, and how to meet your partner's. It says that if there's one of those things that your partner can't meet for you - except sex - that it's ok to find another to get it met. Like if you literally need to have someone compliment you, get that from your job or volunteering. And be secure that you're getting everything else you need from your partner.
 
Discussion starter · #50 ·
Hi Turnera, I appreciate the response and I realise in context of a couple of comments regarding bad dating experiences it can create an impression, but I guarantee you I am the LEAST likely person to need a partner out of anyone I know. I am the perpetual single girl, and always have been actually! I chose when young to travel the world with my job, then I never settled down with a partner. I'm late thirties now and have only lived with someone once for 18 months in my entire life. That's it. I've been almost completely alone (out of choice and different priorities). When I had my son, I opted not to go on a single date for five years, met someone great then but he was in an accident unfortunately and so that didn't happen. In the 5 years since that, I haven't had a string of happy partners (I have had NO partners aside from the guy on this thread). What I have had is string of crappy dates trying to find someone worthwhile bothering with.

All that said, I got the point where even my son was commenting I needed to get out and have a boyfriend again, so I have been making an effort. Ultimately though, yes I want someone to travel with, do stuff with, lean on, love, have fun with and I have been single almost all my life and I am ready now to find that. I don't think it's a psychological problem I need therapy with though - more a problem of so many jerks on online dating :D
 
I have a book for you to read. It's about why we pick the partners we pick: Getting The Love You Want, by Hendrix. All kinds of workbooks and stuff, but mainly for couples. But the main book talks about why we are attracted to certain - wrong - people.
 
Discussion starter · #55 ·
I'm usually not attracted to the wrong sorts of men, I think on online dating a lot of people lie. Boyfriends I have had have actually been really nice, I just find them to be a needle in the haystack
 
Ok, good to know. So then, why do you think your picker is broken?
I think I just don't expect people to behave so badly so I am always just innocent to it!
But in this case he didn’t actually act badly. You just overlooked red flags.

Next time you won’t. You learned a very valuable dating lesson. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

He told you he didn’t prioritize love or commitment before now but you didn’t believe him. Next time someone is telling you who they are, you will.

This one loves you and did the right thing by you even though you didn’t want to believe him.
 
When someone tells you who they are, you need to believe them.

Someone very wise told me that many years ago.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a lifelong partner - married or not, and there's nothing wrong with not wanting one. The problem arises when those two people meet, lol.

I commend him for being honest with you, and most of all, I commend YOU for knowing in your heart that if you are really wanting a long term, committed relationship, that its not going to be with this guy.

You did the right thing, he knows where you are and IF he worded it the wrong way or he really does want to be with you, he knows how to reach you. He'll be beating your door down.

Drop his present off, don't meet up with him. Don't be friends. Wish him well in your heart and let him go.
 
I'd wager that if the "commitment" conversation had never come up you and he would have lived your lives out happily with each other and never been the wiser. It's all in each of your interpretation of the idea of "commitment"(especially considering he is on the spectrum). Some say tomato, some say tamato. Now that that can of worms has been opened it's too late, and you likely lost the guy you were looking for. You have to go with what you believe so if you actually believe he wouldn't have been there for you in the future then it wasn't a mistake for you. I guess the true test is do you regret it? If you do, have the talk with him and sort through it, good or bad. If you don't, then carry on and don't look back.
 
Discussion starter · #59 ·
Thanks everybody. There's so many different ways to view this, but I think sometimes what's lost to people who haven't been online dating in a big city nowadays that it's very difficult to simplify the process as much as you think. 90% of the guys you meet are upfront from the beginning that they are looking for a relationship and you're on the same page. Then 5 or 6 weeks later, after 2 - 3 dates a a few kisses, you see their actions are strange and don't match this statement so you start to feel confused. It's difficult to explain what I mean, because at 5 - 6 weeks it's not about "commitment" but about intentions and behavior in early courtship.

Many men express very early on in their words that they are fully into the idea of meeting someone for a meaningful relationship, but in their behavior that they're not really in it. So you address this with them and then it transpires that they're not ready, scared of relationships, wanting freedom (or worse giving you a fake name and they are married which has happened to me THREE times -seriously). So making good decisions isn't quite so easy when you're working with these parameters.

Most recently on my previous thread here, the guy chased me for months and then wouldn't take the next step and I was completely confused because every word he said was that he was serious. Many months after me posting that thread he called me and told me he was hurting from his divorce and was really only up for casual and he knew I deserved / wanted serious so that was why he backed off. Since then he's had 6 or 7 short relationships since me because he's not ready and just wants the sex / intimacy without any feelings. In fact that guy called me a few days ago and we talked pretty openly about it. Doesn't mean he didn't waste a lot of my time and hurt me in the process.

I also recall the first man I dated after my partner had his accident and I was back on the dating scene. He was lovely at first, total gentleman, and everything was normal and then I got a message out of nowhere saying he couldn't do this, wasn't ready and he blocked me on everything. A year later he came back and apologised and said he wasn't ready / hurt from previous relationships and since then we've been friends. I've watched him attempt (and fail) at dating for years now and the irony is, he IS now ready and can't find anyone.

So this is the real problem here (maybe with modern dating, internet dating and also dating men who are divorced). I find for me, online is the only way to meet men given my job (work from home very tough hours) and being a single parent who doesn't go out in the evening. All my friends are married long ago and don't know anyone single so I don't meet anyone single - ever. So this is how we meet people nowadays and it's a great way for people who are broken / looking for comfort to go online and pretend to be everything they wish they were to fill their void. There's very little sincerity in it, so it becomes much more difficult than it should be.

This guy didn't say any of the words the other guys said, but from day one he was committed and we never really needed to talk about that because it was obvious to one and all that we were both happy and on the same page. It was easy and natural and I wasn't confused or feeling like there was a mismatch of needs at any time. I started to get fears once I knew things were serious, and I was evaluating the long term. I was worried there was a mismatch of futures. @Rubix Cubed you're right in a lot of ways - no, he never would have left. But it's also true that there's a problem that we couldn't talk about this and that I was becoming anxious because we weren't talking about it. No one's perfect. I lost a partner suddenly...I've no wish to go through the hell of that ever again.

It's all a learning curve, but I do think it's also particularly difficult to date in the current climate. When you meet people through friends or work, they have some sort of obligation to show up authentically but the internet has changed that. I do feel a lot of regret that I found a good one, that we loved each other and that this is standing between us but I also don't think I could live without commitment (which really is just a choice right)
 
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