Thanks everybody. There's so many different ways to view this, but I think sometimes what's lost to people who haven't been online dating in a big city nowadays that it's very difficult to simplify the process as much as you think. 90% of the guys you meet are upfront from the beginning that they are looking for a relationship and you're on the same page. Then 5 or 6 weeks later, after 2 - 3 dates a a few kisses, you see their actions are strange and don't match this statement so you start to feel confused. It's difficult to explain what I mean, because at 5 - 6 weeks it's not about "commitment" but about intentions and behavior in early courtship.
Many men express very early on in their words that they are fully into the idea of meeting someone for a meaningful relationship, but in their behavior that they're not really in it. So you address this with them and then it transpires that they're not ready, scared of relationships, wanting freedom (or worse giving you a fake name and they are married which has happened to me THREE times -seriously). So making good decisions isn't quite so easy when you're working with these parameters.
Most recently on my previous thread here, the guy chased me for months and then wouldn't take the next step and I was completely confused because every word he said was that he was serious. Many months after me posting that thread he called me and told me he was hurting from his divorce and was really only up for casual and he knew I deserved / wanted serious so that was why he backed off. Since then he's had 6 or 7 short relationships since me because he's not ready and just wants the sex / intimacy without any feelings. In fact that guy called me a few days ago and we talked pretty openly about it. Doesn't mean he didn't waste a lot of my time and hurt me in the process.
I also recall the first man I dated after my partner had his accident and I was back on the dating scene. He was lovely at first, total gentleman, and everything was normal and then I got a message out of nowhere saying he couldn't do this, wasn't ready and he blocked me on everything. A year later he came back and apologised and said he wasn't ready / hurt from previous relationships and since then we've been friends. I've watched him attempt (and fail) at dating for years now and the irony is, he IS now ready and can't find anyone.
So this is the real problem here (maybe with modern dating, internet dating and also dating men who are divorced). I find for me, online is the only way to meet men given my job (work from home very tough hours) and being a single parent who doesn't go out in the evening. All my friends are married long ago and don't know anyone single so I don't meet anyone single - ever. So this is how we meet people nowadays and it's a great way for people who are broken / looking for comfort to go online and pretend to be everything they wish they were to fill their void. There's very little sincerity in it, so it becomes much more difficult than it should be.
This guy didn't say any of the words the other guys said, but from day one he was committed and we never really needed to talk about that because it was obvious to one and all that we were both happy and on the same page. It was easy and natural and I wasn't confused or feeling like there was a mismatch of needs at any time. I started to get fears once I knew things were serious, and I was evaluating the long term. I was worried there was a mismatch of futures.
@Rubix Cubed you're right in a lot of ways - no, he never would have left. But it's also true that there's a problem that we couldn't talk about this and that I was becoming anxious because we weren't talking about it. No one's perfect. I lost a partner suddenly...I've no wish to go through the hell of that ever again.
It's all a learning curve, but I do think it's also particularly difficult to date in the current climate. When you meet people through friends or work, they have some sort of obligation to show up authentically but the internet has changed that. I do feel a lot of regret that I found a good one, that we loved each other and that this is standing between us but I also don't think I could live without commitment (which really is just a choice right)