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Hi everyone.

I've been lurking here for a few weeks, and reading a lot in all of the forums. It's really waking me up to how closed off I have been emotionally ..not just with my wife, but with everyone. I have a rich internal dialogue, but rarely have the courage or the confidence to bring my issues out on a day to day basis. Most of the time I dismiss them as trivial, or convince myself my perspective is distorted, and simply bottle things up ... but after a few weeks of reading around here, it's like I'm on a crusade to better myself and attempt to become a better communicator, husband, person.

I've been talking to my wife lately about some fairly heady stuff ... lots of relationship talk over the last two weeks, all initiated by me. So, my latest missive is to try to tackle issues that affect us ..even seemingly minor ones ..

I guess I'm just looking for feedback here that I'm doing the right thing- that bringing up relationship issue is a good thing, and that my approach in the letter below is sensitive and constructive. As a typical male, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm trying to do good and somewhere messing it up.

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Hi, Ladybug.

You’re sleeping right now, otherwise I’d just tell you these things .. but I can probably explain myself better in writing, anyway.

I wanted to talk about a couple of things that have been on my mind for years .. and I just want to get a clearer understanding between us so we can both be just that much happier.

One of them is sleeping, yours, specifically. The other is your feelings of isolation and aloneness, as you relate to me from time to time.

So, the sleeping ..I sometimes feel a little frustrated when you sleep a lot or sleep really late on the weekends. I know you feel judged by that at times, and I can’t blame you because at times I haven’t really tried to hide that I’m upset.

But what you may not know is that it’s not the sleeping itself that is bothering me …. It’s a couple of things. One, is that over the years I’ve learned that you sleep a lot when you’re depressed or angry, or having low blood sugar. So, automatically, any time you sleep late I get worried that something’s wrong. It makes me feel anxious and a little worried. If you could give me a smile or sweet word so that I know you’re ok it would alleviate a lot of that tension in my mind. It would also be helpful if you could put some limits on it ..for instance .. you usually seem able to get up early on Sat or Sun mornings to go to an appt or church ..but if it is just spending time with me and Izzy, you might get up, or you might not ..you might sleep til 10a, or you might sleep til noon. It’s great that there is the luxury to do that ..but when I don’t know if you’re ok, or just exhausted, or whatever, or when I might expect you to join us, it is frustrating. .not a big deal, but it just one of those little things that can get under your skin after a long while.

Believe it or not ..I also get a bit jealous, not of the fact that you get to sleep. There’s only so much time on the weekends that we can spend together and it’s disappointing during those times when you say you want to take a short nap and then sleep for 3 or 4 hours. Like I said, I know from time to time that’s exactly what you need, and that’s ok ..it’s just always a surprise with no rhyme or reason, plus I have to worry about whether you’re ok.

The last thing about sleep … it would mean a lot to me, from time to time, if you could make it possible for me to sleep in uninterrupted. Though I need less sleep than you, I typically need more than I get and would love to train my body that it’s ok to sleep in on weekend mornings now and then!

Now for the other thing ..this is a lot more complex, and hopefully you’re not feeling this way now. But from time to time, you tell me how you feel that Isabella and I would be better off with out you. I always try to tell you that’s not true, and that WE certainly don’t feel that way. Just in case there’s any doubt in your mind, I just want to reassure you that I don’t feel that way, and neither does Iz. We love you, need you, and want you in our lives. Now and always. I know you’re bound to doubt that, since you doubt everything, but you just have to tell yourself that its true. No matter how low you may feel, you need your family and your family needs you.

Anyway, I hope these things are in some way helpful. I don’t want to exhaust you with all this relationship stuff … but you’ve always asked me to be open .. hopefully you view this as a good thing. I’d love to hear what I can do to help better meet your needs. However you perceive it, just know it is from a genuine desire to better our lives and relationship. If nothing else, hopefully you can respect that.
 

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She sounds really depressed. Is she being treated for it? on meds?

If she is not seriously depressed, then your letter is fine.

If she is seriously depressed (in the black hole) then she needs treatment before she can work on the marriage.
 

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Thanks for the replies.

I sent the email to her. She isn't used to me being "emotionally wordy", as she called it, and I think fears that everytime I send her an email or went to talk it's going to be some big earth shattering revelations. She was relieved I think that it was overall minor stuff, but her reaction didn't reinforce the positives of open communication. Kind of made me feel like I was burdening her a bit.

She did say it was sweet, and said she wondered why I let her sleep so much. :/

She has gone through some major depression .. she has type 1 diabetes, ocd, a mom who died a few years back and we were dealing with two miscarriages from several years ago, plus some drama over an EA (on her part) that ended about a year ago. Over the last year her depression has gotten much better, thankfully.
 

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Vulnerability within a marraige is very important..it builds connection, acceptance... can uplift spirits when 2 souls share deeply ... Hopefully your wife is welcoming this change in you... maybe she has been hiding too, and wants to find a deeper connection with you as well.....

.... there is a 20 minute video in the 1st line of my thread, click on that & hear it's importance, it is eye opening.......I tried to do an outline of what Brene Brown was touching upon in my thread.....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/29460-vulnerability-fear-power-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html
 

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Vulnerability within a marraige is very important..it buiilds connection, acceptance... can uplift spirits when 2 souls share deeply ... Hopefully your wife is welcoming this change in you... maybe she has been hiding too, and wants to find a deeper connection with you as well.....

.... there is a 20 minute video in the 1st line of my thread, click on that & hear it's importance....I tried to do an outline of what the speaker was saying .....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/29460-vulnerability-fear-power-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html
Awesome advice:)

lack of vulnerability was a gigantic roadblock in most of my relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks for the links, I'll definitely check them out.

It has occurred to me over the last week or two that I am making myself more vulnerable, so this information is very timely.

I have a little concern that it will make me seem needy or desperate, and we all know that's a desire-killer! But, I've decided that it's a risk I have to take in order to try to truly build a deeper connection.
 

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Vulnerability within a marraige is very important..it builds connection, acceptance... can uplift spirits when 2 souls share deeply ... Hopefully your wife is welcoming this change in you... maybe she has been hiding too, and wants to find a deeper connection with you as well.....

.... there is a 20 minute video in the 1st line of my thread, click on that & hear it's importance, it is eye opening.......I tried to do an outline of what Brene Brown was touching upon in my thread.....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/29460-vulnerability-fear-power-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html
Thank you for posting this--what an amazing talk.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Just sat down and watched the video ..20 minutes and was worth every second!

Thank you! It was both entertaining and enlightening!
 
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