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39 Posts
I've been lurking on this forum for several weeks now... I have learned a lot and so wish I would have discovered TAM back when I was going through my divorce.
As I'm sure many newly divorced people do, I have been spending a lot of time autopsying my marriage. Part of what makes mine particularly bitter for me to swallow is that my former spouse and I had several conversations about why marriages fail and what it might take to keep a marriage afloat before we married in 1997. Before we married, we promised each other that if either of us ever felt compelled to stray, that we would inform the other and try to figure out what was going wrong in our relationship.
About two years in, we purchased our first home computer and I was having fun learning all about the Internet. I found some chat rooms and began an Internet friendship with a man who lived in another city. Innocent conversations started to drift into territory that felt wrong, and I realized that I was beginning to look forward to our conversations too much. After a few weeks of this, he told me that he was miserable in his marriage and that he thought he was in love with me. We had a few phone conversations and I realized it was just feeling icky. I confessed what was going on to my H. It caused us to examine some of the problems that we were having at the time and he made some changes that I asked for. I cut off the online relationship cold turkey and never spoke to that guy again. I apologized for this incident on many occasions.
Things in our marriage got much better, and then we had a child. In late 2009, I began suspecting that he was having an affair. I began investigating when my suspicions became too strong, and uncovered cell phone bills with numerous texts, credit card charges for jewelry and flowers that I hadn't received, and he kept having to go out of town for long trips to see his parents who iived five hours away. Of course, that was also where his college GF lived, who he had reconnected with on FB.
I won't relate the details of what happened because its long and awful. I repeatedly confronted him with evidence and he repeatedly stonewalled, had excuses, said they were just friends, etc. After about six months of this I went and filed for D, based solely on my suspicions. If I had been reading this forum, I would have known to install the VAR, etc. Even during the divorce process, he would never admit to the affair. He continued cake eating for months and wouldn't move out until the judge stated that she wouldn't grant the divorce because we were still living together. Then he up and moved with no notice, and left his parents address as his forwarding address. I found out about a month later than he had moved in with his AP, who had also been found out by her H and was divorced by then as a result. I later found out there had been yet another affair with a high school girlfriend going on at the same time, and her husband found out, confronted, and it caused a divorce there as well. Additionally, my H had been married once before me, and had cheated on her as well.
Our divorce has been final for over a year, and I've been dating and moving on with my life. The one thing that I've repeatedly asked him is about that promise we made to each other before our marriage. Whenever I bring that up, he always says that I cheated first.
I know what I had was a short-lived EA. I've always felt horrible about it. He wants me to believe that I deserved his infidelity as a result... that's what he's insinuated, although he still doesn't admit to the affairs (both of which I finally confirmed with the OWH's)
I've spoken to my therapist, my friends, but I want opinions from people who don't know me as I know you will all be brutally honest. I need to wrap my head around this as part of my healing process.
Did I deserve what I got in the end?
As I'm sure many newly divorced people do, I have been spending a lot of time autopsying my marriage. Part of what makes mine particularly bitter for me to swallow is that my former spouse and I had several conversations about why marriages fail and what it might take to keep a marriage afloat before we married in 1997. Before we married, we promised each other that if either of us ever felt compelled to stray, that we would inform the other and try to figure out what was going wrong in our relationship.
About two years in, we purchased our first home computer and I was having fun learning all about the Internet. I found some chat rooms and began an Internet friendship with a man who lived in another city. Innocent conversations started to drift into territory that felt wrong, and I realized that I was beginning to look forward to our conversations too much. After a few weeks of this, he told me that he was miserable in his marriage and that he thought he was in love with me. We had a few phone conversations and I realized it was just feeling icky. I confessed what was going on to my H. It caused us to examine some of the problems that we were having at the time and he made some changes that I asked for. I cut off the online relationship cold turkey and never spoke to that guy again. I apologized for this incident on many occasions.
Things in our marriage got much better, and then we had a child. In late 2009, I began suspecting that he was having an affair. I began investigating when my suspicions became too strong, and uncovered cell phone bills with numerous texts, credit card charges for jewelry and flowers that I hadn't received, and he kept having to go out of town for long trips to see his parents who iived five hours away. Of course, that was also where his college GF lived, who he had reconnected with on FB.
I won't relate the details of what happened because its long and awful. I repeatedly confronted him with evidence and he repeatedly stonewalled, had excuses, said they were just friends, etc. After about six months of this I went and filed for D, based solely on my suspicions. If I had been reading this forum, I would have known to install the VAR, etc. Even during the divorce process, he would never admit to the affair. He continued cake eating for months and wouldn't move out until the judge stated that she wouldn't grant the divorce because we were still living together. Then he up and moved with no notice, and left his parents address as his forwarding address. I found out about a month later than he had moved in with his AP, who had also been found out by her H and was divorced by then as a result. I later found out there had been yet another affair with a high school girlfriend going on at the same time, and her husband found out, confronted, and it caused a divorce there as well. Additionally, my H had been married once before me, and had cheated on her as well.
Our divorce has been final for over a year, and I've been dating and moving on with my life. The one thing that I've repeatedly asked him is about that promise we made to each other before our marriage. Whenever I bring that up, he always says that I cheated first.
I know what I had was a short-lived EA. I've always felt horrible about it. He wants me to believe that I deserved his infidelity as a result... that's what he's insinuated, although he still doesn't admit to the affairs (both of which I finally confirmed with the OWH's)
I've spoken to my therapist, my friends, but I want opinions from people who don't know me as I know you will all be brutally honest. I need to wrap my head around this as part of my healing process.
Did I deserve what I got in the end?
